People who monologue rather than having a conversation?

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My sister does this. A lot.

We went for dinner and when I politely asked about it (I responded to something she was saying and looked affronted, and replied “can I finish please?”) to which I reminded her that it was a conversation, not a lecture/monologue... she very firmly replied that no she wasn’t monologuing, but nevertheless carried on and in.

Sadly I think our relationship is pretty non existent anyway (or at least headed that way) - she has a rigidity of thinking where she just won’t accept or tolerate other people’s different opinions.

Anyone have any advice?

I have a friend who does this and is completely unaware of it. If you try to chip in she just raises her voice quite aggressively and pointedly and keep on talking. I have cut back on seeing her because it is so exhausting.

My Dad is like this - us children have taken to rescuing each other if necessary. I can be quite clearly manoeuvring out of the room, even to the doorway, and he’s still talking!!

This is awful but I avoid eye contact with my dad when he starts and hope he catches someone else in his headlights.

I love him but he doesn’t read or respect any social cues at all. He does sometimes ask me things but can’t really listen to the answer.

I feel really sorry for partners brought into our family. My sisters husband has hearing problems and is generally a man of few words but even he loses patience with not being allowed to speak very occasionally.

I can handle just my parents graciously but when there’s also my sister competing for dominance and the next generation in the mix I just guzzle wine and try to space out so I don’t find myself talking pointlessly and trying to be heard too.

My boss does it, he can go on for at least an hour. We were on the phone once and I said I was in a place where I couldn't speak and his response was 'perfect', as he launched into the monologue. Generally I let it go on and don't really listen. When I have enough I just interrupt him and say 'let's stop now'

I have told him that conversation is a 2-way street and he'll be mortified for a while and try harder but the resulting conversations are so awkward that I'm kind of relieved to relax back into the monologues.

I have a friend who does this. I'm very much the listener in all our conversations. Last night she was monologging at me about her autistic children. I managed to shoehorn in to the conversation that we must all be on this spectrum somewhere, that no one is 'normal'. It culminated in her getting me to do an online test and one of the questions was about dominating conversations with monologues. I asked her if I do this and she said yes, before launching in to another 45 minute attack. It's exhausting.

The weirdest evening we've ever spent was with a couple like this. We'd been to a friend's wedding abroad and got to know her parents a bit during the week we were there. They were a bit in your face, and frankly barmy, but there were plenty of guests to dilute any interaction. I'd helped out a lot with the wedding arrangements and my friend's parents said they'd like to invite us for dinner when we were back home, as a thank you for all my help.

The resulting evening was like an episode of Inside Number 9. They talked at us all evening, none-stop. Talked over each other, interrupted each other - the mum with her high pitched voice and hysterical laughter, and the dad with his droning tone and disgusting table manners.

There was only one table lamp in the room with a very weak bulb so we sat practically in darkness being talked at. They told us the cost of the ingredients for the meal they prepared, how much everything in the room cost, the names of all my friends cuddly toys that were still in her old room, her life story from birth to present day (the house was like a shrine to my friend, with large canvas photos everywhere) . On and on and on. We barely said a word all evening and both felt a bit traumatised by it afterwards 😄

Had one like this at a hobby group I used to go to.
I started to get quite stroppy with her and now she notices my body language and lets everyone have a go.
It's fucking rude holding court like that

My late brother used to do this, and DH does it from time to time. Usually I just want him to clarify or repeat a bit of what he's just said, but like the OP and her sister, I then get the snippy 'let me finish!'. Makes me want to slap him, so I usually just walk off and he can give the rest of his speech to an empty room!

Do we think it's a sign of (undiagnosed) Asperger's?

My ex was like this he would just talk at me I would just nod and smile and just zone him out it was easy to do because he was boring as fuck he also like to talk down to me a lot he did have autism though.

My mother does this. I could tell her I was terminally ill in the middle of one of her monologues and it just wouldn't register at all, nothing can stop her when she's in full flow. You can try to start talking about something else but she just goes straight back to what she was yammering on about. She has no listening skills whatsoever and as a result knows very very little about my life.

I call them Talkers. I find it so infuriatingly rude. When I was working as a carer I popped in to see a client, he didn't need anything doing, AN HOUR later I texted my husband begging him to ring me with an emergency so I could make my escape, I couldn't get a word in edgeways, this man wasn't taking any of my cues (looking at my watch etc). This client turned up as a patient a few years later on the ward I then worked on at the hospital, I insisted on looking after the ladies bay that week!

I had a friend like this. She always talked a lot about herself, but the last time time we met up, after a fairly long gap, she talked non stop about herself , her job, her son. If I attempted to talk, she just talked over me.
Just as I was getting back into my car, I almost shouted at her, saying I’d started a new job 5 months earlier.
The response was “ Good for getting a job during an epidemic” - then straight back talking about herself again. Absolutely Zero interest , and I’d listened to her for nearly an hour.
I haven’t met up with her since.

Elizabeth funnily enough I’ve been told I’m secretive and never tell them anything 🙈 I don’t think they could even tell you what I studied at university

I said to DB once that conversation should be like a game of ping pong, you know, batted backwards and forwards. He appeared to get it, but was back to his monologuing next time he rang.

In my experience it has been mostly men that do this, but there are loads of female examples on this thread. But come to think of it, the raising the voice pointedly when someone tries to interject that someone mentioned - my mum does that! But then my dad is a big talker (though not a monologuist), perhaps it's necessity!

@TheHoneyBadger

Elizabeth funnily enough I’ve been told I’m secretive and never tell them anything 🙈 I don’t think they could even tell you what I studied at university

Ha, yes, she always says I'm secretive and don't tell her things. I don't get a bloody chance 😁

I think because my sister is the same she would just demand attention and hold court. I wasn’t secretive I just didn’t see the point in fighting to be heard if people aren’t interested.

FIL does this about work projects from the 70s/80s. When he gets to 45 minutes I get my phone out, and start reading it. DH has to pretend to be interested then, and I just sit and read. I know it’s incredibly rude but he can easily go 2 hours just talking away about something no one has any knowledge or interest. He doesn’t pause for breath, so you can ask questions (even if you wanted to).

I’m pretty sure he’s ASD, as our daughter is and she does the exact same thing in moderation. She desperately tries not to as she’s been bored to death by him over the years, so it has at least been some help.

My FIL does this, drones on and on and if you dare react to something or chip in - as you would if having a normal conversation - he says "Oh sorry do you want to finish this story?" or "Oh excuse me I didn't mean to talk while you were interrupting." So fucking obnoxious.

I have a lovely chatty friend who always asks me questions about my life, my work etc - but she doesn't actually listen to my responses, because her kids (10 and 14) are always butting in. A couple of years ago I realised that I had tried to finish a response - not massively detailed, honest - 4 times, so I just stopped speaking. She didn't even notice. I give 1 line replies now.

I know someone who does this. Can't get away from it, unfortunately.

A colleague of mine does this, he talks incessantly totally unaware that those around him are completely disinterested or have zoned out. The stories are the same or he'll just go off on a tangent moaning about things. He talks over you, interrupts you and has no clue about social awareness. I wonder if he's on the spectrum so I try and be kind to him but the last few days of dealing with him have worked my last nerve!

My mother in law, sister in law and cousin all do this. It’s draining. I dread having to speak to any of them.

Oops..I do talk a lot.I thought it was coming from a large family of my anxiety.
In lockdown I obviously learned to talk less so now I'm back working I force myself to not speak.Thank heavens for threads like this make us aware how exhausting it is.

My mum’s sister does this to her and says ‘let me finish my story’ if she tries to even take part in the conversation. I have a friend like it too, totally self absorbed. I’ve totally stepped back. It’s a complete waste of my time when what she’s saying isn’t even interesting a lot of the time. I’ve persevered for years and I genuinely am a really good listener and friend but everyone has their limit. I’m sorry I have no advice, but you are definitely not alone.

@CounsellorTroi

Does she live alone? And possibly internalises things a lot? Then again perhaps not. Being talked at rather than to is wearisome.

Yes, because everyone who lives alone becomes socially incapable