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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH says I'm controlling

107 replies

allthegoodusersaretaken · 30/05/2021 09:46

DD 16 told us the other day that she wanted to go to her school's sixth form instead of college. This was the first we'd heard of it - she applied to the college in December, got accepted and had an interview, all went well as far as I know. I told her she shouldn't go to sixth form until she's at least tried college (school have said she can come back after a week or 2 at college if she doesn't like it, but she can't go back to college if she doesn't like sixth form), but DH says I'm being controlling and we should let her choose as she's 16. AIBU to say she at least has to try college?

OP posts:

Pieceofpurplesky · 30/05/2021 09:46

It's her decision.

pointythings · 30/05/2021 09:48

It's 100% her decision. Why do you want her to try college if she can get a place at 6th form?

AFS1 · 30/05/2021 09:49

Her decision. What’s your problem with her staying in at 6th form?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/05/2021 09:49

Why would you rather she went to college than 6th form?

Roodicus21 · 30/05/2021 09:49

Surely 6th form is as good as if not better academically than a college if she is doing more academic courses (A levels)? It certainly is where I am.

Herbie0987 · 30/05/2021 09:50

Sit down and have a discussion with her to understand her decision.

Nogoodusername · 30/05/2021 09:50

YABU. Why isn’t she allowed to decide for herself whether she continues her education at her school’s 6th form or a college? It’s not like she wants to drop out

Santastealer · 30/05/2021 09:50

Absolutely her choice. You have no right to meddle in her education choices post 16.

Original poster

allthegoodusersaretaken · 30/05/2021 09:51

Why do you want her to try college if she can get a place at 6th form?

Because college gets much better results and is focused only on sixth form.

OP posts:

BarefootHippieChick · 30/05/2021 09:51

As someone with a child the same age, it's not your place to make decisions for her. And as pp have pointed out, academically school sixth forms are preferable to college.

InTheDrunkTank · 30/05/2021 09:51

YABVU unless there's a back story you're not telling us. Why on earth does she need to try college if she'd prefer to stay at her school's sixth form? To be honest trying it for a few weeks when she's already decided she wants to be at her old school sounds pointless and disruptive.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/05/2021 09:52

What’s the difference ?!
Yabu as I can’t see the benefit in making her move

jellybeansforbreakfast · 30/05/2021 09:52

Your DD is possibly having a case of 'where will my friends go? Does this mean I must grow up?' cold feet.

She will be able to go back to school in that 2 week period as then neither school nor FE college will lose money as she moves. It makes sense to at least try the FE college, YANBU to ask her to do that. She has plenty of time to make up her mind, and change it again, it makes better sense to at least keep the FE space open to her.

Your DH might want to wonder about why DD has suddenly spoken up, what it is about this time in her life that has made her uncertain. If he doesn't remember the levels of anxiety and uncertainty of moving from school towards being an adult he might want to really listen to her, to ask her for her reasons, instead of simply playing the 'good, take the easy route parent' against your more challenging one.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/05/2021 09:52

Have you asked her why the sudden change?

ProfYaffle · 30/05/2021 09:53

We had a similar decision with dd1 last year. At this age it's their decision, you can't impose your preference onto her.

DysmalRadius · 30/05/2021 09:53

What are her reasons for wanting to change and what are yours for wanting her to stay? The fact that you have mentioned neither suggests that you haven't actually discussed this, just laid down the law which would be unreasonable and controlling.

Mumdiva99 · 30/05/2021 09:53

What's the difference in the courses she will take? If they are the same let her stay at school if she wants.

negomi90 · 30/05/2021 09:53

Why does she need to try college? She wants to stay in education, she's not dropping out. What gain do you have from objecting.
She gains by staying in a fabulously environment with friends and teachers she knows after an unsettling year and a half
Lots of people stay in school and are fine. I stayed in school for 6th form and gained lots by working with the year 7s and mentoring. 6th form in school is still far more independent then year 11 in school.

Babymamamama · 30/05/2021 09:55

Most parents think school sixth form preferable to college anyway. YABU and controlling.

MakeItRain · 30/05/2021 09:56

Your reason for wanting her to go to college is a fair one, but ultimately it's her decision to make.

pointythings · 30/05/2021 09:57

negomi90 this in a nutshell. Both my DDs stayed on at their school's 6th form. A completely different experience from school - they had much more freedom, didn't have to wear uniform of any kind, were responsible for their own learning and achievement, did mentoring of the younger ones sand gained a lot from that.

And ultimately results are down to what the individual puts into their studies.

jellybeansforbreakfast · 30/05/2021 09:57

@Roodicus21

Surely 6th form is as good as if not better academically than a college if she is doing more academic courses (A levels)? It certainly is where I am.

I taught A levels, in an FE college. We took all the kids who wanted to succeed but didn't want to stay at school. We got very good results, better than the local VI forms.

It is NEVER as cut and dried as some like to make it out. Each area will have a different demographic and if, as OP says, her area has a goo FE college, then her DD will possibly be having cold feet. It's something you see a lot in FE, the greatest barrier to moving on is the FOMO is some of your friends stay at school. Its really not unusual and my advice was always to talk to school and ask them if you can go back within the first couple of weeks.

About half of those who come to FE to try it out go back to school. And some of them try very quickly to come back to FE. It is a very confusing time for some kids as they try and deal with their changing emotions.

AhNowTed · 30/05/2021 09:57

6th form would be my preference, I don't get your reasoning at all.

And it's her decision.

whiteroseredrose · 30/05/2021 10:02

I would say that it is her decision at that age.

Neither of my DC went to the school that I would have chosen, but it turns out they were right. It's your DD's life.

HeddaGarbled · 30/05/2021 10:03

You need to talk this through properly.

I can’t see any point starting at college for 2 weeks and then moving. It’s not long enough to decide whether she’s happy there or not, and very disruptive for her.

I presume you are talking about a sixth form college not a further education college?

It may be she’s getting nervous about moving to a new institution rather then the one she knows. That’s understandable. She needs to be listened to, and if that’s the problem, she needs reassurance and encouragement and to have that excitement she felt when she applied to the college re-kindled.

“If you really hate it after 2 weeks, you can move back” isn’t a bad get-out clause but it should have been your final contribution to the discussion not your opening stance.

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