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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I'm controlling

107 replies

allthegoodusersaretaken · 30/05/2021 09:46

DD 16 told us the other day that she wanted to go to her school's sixth form instead of college. This was the first we'd heard of it - she applied to the college in December, got accepted and had an interview, all went well as far as I know. I told her she shouldn't go to sixth form until she's at least tried college (school have said she can come back after a week or 2 at college if she doesn't like it, but she can't go back to college if she doesn't like sixth form), but DH says I'm being controlling and we should let her choose as she's 16. AIBU to say she at least has to try college?

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 30/05/2021 11:14

Her choice. End of.

Rewis · 30/05/2021 11:15

It is ultimately her choise but it does not mean that you can't be there for guidance. You can go through a pro-con list together and discuss how each choise will affect her futute and then she can decide.

I fully agree with pp's that it is her decision but I do think parents have a bit of a right to interfere and give their opinion. If her reasons are relating to her future plans, great. If it's related to something a bit more questionable (cute boy, rumours about the school being more relaxed, friends thinking place x is for losers etc.) I do think parents can be a bit pushy but not make the choise.

Daphnise · 30/05/2021 11:26

Another MN parent trying to manage the details and choices of a teenager.

It's her decision.

Surlyburd · 30/05/2021 11:28

It's ok. She will be fine wherever she decides to go

DeathStare · 30/05/2021 11:30

There is no point us all debating whether sixth form or college is better, not just as - @berthatydfil rightly pointed out - because we don't know the local context, but also because "better" is so subjective and individual.

Academic results on paper are meaningless as they only show what students got, not whether they achieved their potential. A college/sixth form could seem to have great results but the students could still not be reaching what they could be reaching. And college/sixth form is about so much more than just academic results - it's about being inspired, enriched, finding your tribe.

Loads of evidence shows that kids achieve their best academically if they are settled and happy. Lots of factors play into that and they will be different for every child. For some kids something like the bus journey or lay out of the social space can be really stressful, for others it doesn't matter at all. There are so many little tiny factors that make a sixth form/college better for a child.

Lots of people have said she might just be following her friends - if she is, is that a bad thing? For most kids having friends around them is part of what makes them happy and settled. Some kids make friends easier than others. Some kids could make new friends easily but just don't want to. Is that really a bad thing? There are so many aspects of sixth form college - outside of formal education - that are part of that social learning and that journey to adulthood. It's part of the fun of being a teenager. Even in normal times I think if a kid wants to be with their friends then that's a valid reason, but for this year's year 11s they have already missed so many of those teenage moments that if they want to stay with their friends (assuming that everything else about the college/sixth form seems ok) then that seems like a really good decision.

OP - you've raised her to nearly adulthood. Have some faith in her and some faith in your own parenting. You've spent 16 years giving her the skills to make this decision - now let her make it. She might not make the same decision you would make but she will make the one that's right for her. And if she doesn't, you and your DH will be around to support her in sorting that.

TeenMinusTests · 30/05/2021 11:39

I would say it is her final decision but as this is a change of plan you need to understand why she has changed her mind and that her reasoning is reasonable and not e.g. just being made out of fear of change.
She needs to show she is mature enough to go through the pros and cons of each choice, and then make the decision in full knowledge of the situation.
There is a mid way between 'controlling' and 'it's her decision'.

UserAtRandom · 30/05/2021 11:54

@3cats2kids1dog

what a strange parallel universe mumsnet is. and full of contradiction.... all this "100%" her choice", "nothing to do with you" virtue signalling. she is 16, still legall a child and so still a legal responsibility of the parent. of coursr you should have input... so, of course, should she. sit down and work it out between you. if you can't agree then there will need to be compromise certainly, but its completely bonkers to just say.. "its her future her choice". the irony is if this was a question about your 16yr old dd and an older boyfriend.... all the responses would be about "she's a child" and making emotional decisions etc... utterly wierd performance parenting posying going on...
Nothing to do with virtue signalling and everything to do with realising that a 16 year old is nearly an adult and you don't get to tell her what to do in the same way as you would a 6 year old. By all means OP should explain her reason for thinking college is better but it's not up to her to "tell her she has to ...". It's hardly as though DD has said she wants to drop out of education to become a sex worker. It sounds as though she is choosing between two perfectly valid and sensible choices.

I'd be interested to know if the original choice of college was actually driven by the DD or was she steam rollered into it and she's now starting to think "hang on - I don't actually want to do that".

paralysedbyinertia · 30/05/2021 11:56

Yes, sharing opinions/pointing out the advantages of one choice over another is fine. That's very different from telling a 16yo what to do. My dd would discuss her ideas with us and take our advice on board, but ultimately, she would make the final choice. It's her life.

Bluntness100 · 30/05/2021 12:01

Well this ones fairly unanimous op that you’re being unreasonably controlling

Viviennemary · 30/05/2021 12:02

Schools are usually better than colleges. And her friends are probably staying on at school.

gobackanddoitproperly · 30/05/2021 12:05

I don't know the difference between the two as I'm not in the UK. But if I understand correctly, one decision is reversible and the other isn't?

Surely it makes sense to try the reversible decision first?

DinosaurDiana · 30/05/2021 12:07

My DD did this and it was her choice. In the end it was the right choice.

UserAtRandom · 30/05/2021 12:08

I'll add that my DS made what I thought was the "non-optimal" (it wasn't wrong; in the same way that OP's DD's choice is not wrong) choice for sixth form. I thought he should move so he could study a subject he was interested in; he wanted to stay in his school sixth form where the subject wasn't offered. Now at the end of Year 12 he does sometimes say he slightly regrets not being able to study the subject he was interested in, but he has embraced the subjects he is doing, and, especially with Covid, not moving to a different education provider has provided other soft benefits in helping him build his confidence, for example.

I will say that I think his Post 18 path will be the same as it would have been if he'd gone somewhere different, so actually the choice ended up just being 2 different routes to the same destination.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/05/2021 12:11

Yes you are being controlling. The whole point of a 16yr old applying to several colleges and sixth forms is so that they can then choose which offer of a place to take. There is no obligation to accept the first place offered. It is her choice not yours, this is her life not yours.

I hope you won’t be like this come University time.....controlling your DD to accept the first university offer that comes through....

UserAtRandom · 30/05/2021 12:14

@gobackanddoitproperly

I don't know the difference between the two as I'm not in the UK. But if I understand correctly, one decision is reversible and the other isn't?

Surely it makes sense to try the reversible decision first?

It's not really a reversible decision. Basically once you've picked a sixth form provider you need to stick with it. There is a slight window of leeway to move about in the first few days of term, but realistically a few days in a sixth form are really not long enough to know if you'll like it or not. If DD is determined she doesn't want to go to college then forcing her (if you can even force a teenager) to go there for a few days are unlikely to make any difference.
Pebbledashery · 30/05/2021 12:19

@allthegoodusersaretaken

Why do you want her to try college if she can get a place at 6th form?

Because college gets much better results and is focused only on sixth form.

I went to sixth form. I got 3 A's in my A levels then went onto get a first in my degree. I wouldn't say college would be better. It's her decision, not yours.
saraclara · 30/05/2021 12:30

If you force her to go to college, she'll resent it, will resent you, and is not going to be motivated to learn or achieve.

If staying for sixth form is what she wants, she's more likely to be motivated there and do well.

IEat · 30/05/2021 13:02

College or sixth form is all the same she might just want stability of what she knows and a place where she knows and is know. Nothing wrong with that .

ChristmasFluff · 30/05/2021 13:31

My parents let me choose at age 11 when I was offered a place at a selective school, and I wanted to go to the local comprehensive with my friends.

They were totally right to let me. Yup, looking back, I could have achieved more if I'd gone there - but at the cost to my mental health.

I was briefly friends with someone who would have been in my year there. Yeah, I'd have hated it.

Teach your daughter to trust herself by trusting her decision. That's worth more than any marginal benefit a different place might have.

Looubylou · 30/05/2021 14:01

People are ignoring the fact that in OP's case their local college gets better results than sf, and also that school will let her back in, where as she would lose college place. I still wouldn't push it though, it needs to be her own informed choice. In my case 6th form closed so no choice to be made - I wasn't mature enough and turned from a high achiever to a couldn't be arsed to make the effort for the 2 hours offered per day at college at random times with no structure. That was just me though - OP's daughter may be very mature.

zingally · 30/05/2021 14:16

She's old enough to choose for herself.

Round here (Northamptonshire), Sixth Form is definitely seen as the more academic option than college... What does she want to study?

Onesnowynight · 30/05/2021 14:20

I wish we had this problem- all our 6th forms in the borough have been closed for a super college. Bitterly regretting not sending him to our 2nd choice high school in a different borough who have an amazing 6th form.

Please let her choose!

TeenMinusTests · 30/05/2021 14:28

In areas with loads of school 6th forms, 'college' is often primarily for vocational courses.

In other areas 'college' can be highly academic. Peter Symonds, Winchester as quoted above is nearly all A levels, with a massive ~2000 students per year. it has its downsides, but you can do pretty much any combination of A levels you choose - no timetabling issues to contend with.

Original poster
allthegoodusersaretaken · 30/05/2021 14:29

Sorry, only just had a chance to check MN.

DD would study the same subjects either way. My reasons for her going are:

  • Larger class sizes (she wants to take politics and a language so I feel that discussion/debate is important)
  • Teaches independence
  • She'll study in English (school is Welsh medium) - I feel that now would be a good time to transition back to English
  • Better results as I said before

Her reasons for staying are:

  • Her friends are there (she does know people going to college but they're not friends)
  • She'd study in Welsh - but this wasn't a concern until a few days ago and she actually agreed that studying in English would be better when she applied to college
  • She thinks she'd do better with smaller classes

However school have definitely overexaggerated the benefits of sixth form so I do think it's influenced her decision.

OP posts:
peboh · 30/05/2021 14:30

You are being controlling. I get that you'd rather she'd attend the college that have better results, however that doesn't mean your daughter won't get the same results at sixth form that she would at college. Allow her to make the choice herself.

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