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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH says I'm controlling

107 replies

allthegoodusersaretaken · 30/05/2021 09:46

DD 16 told us the other day that she wanted to go to her school's sixth form instead of college. This was the first we'd heard of it - she applied to the college in December, got accepted and had an interview, all went well as far as I know. I told her she shouldn't go to sixth form until she's at least tried college (school have said she can come back after a week or 2 at college if she doesn't like it, but she can't go back to college if she doesn't like sixth form), but DH says I'm being controlling and we should let her choose as she's 16. AIBU to say she at least has to try college?

OP posts:

Louloubelle78 · 30/05/2021 10:18

@jellybeansforbreakfast I agree. OP also hasn't necessarily said FE college either. My daughter had this decision last year. We live near one of the best sixth form colleges in the country. It's basically like getting an independent education for free. Her school were not great through covid and we wanted to make sure she had as much help and support through A Levels. She wanted to stay at school for ease, rather than what was best. We asked her to try college for a week and she never looked back. Through the last lockdowns the support and guidance and quality of teaching has been faultless compared to her school. She wants to study on a competitive degree course and I have no doubt she has positioned herself much more favourably than if she had stayed at school. She still sees her school friends but has widened her circle, which is massive for her as she has struggled with friendship groups. Yes we applied a bit a pressure/ control whatever you want to call it. All kids at this age have different maturity levels and we felt we needed to step in and guide rather than just leave it up to her.

Bagelsandbrie · 30/05/2021 10:20

100% her decision. Offer advice but ultimately it’s up to her.

Ponoka7 · 30/05/2021 10:25

It might take a month for her to realise that she hates college and then that will impact on her results and MH, she will also resent you. She should get a day in her future and you need to start accepting that while we might know best, they have to make their own mistakes.

imumme · 30/05/2021 10:26

I agree with everything @jellybeansforbreakfast said too.

It is your daughter's decision and you do have to respect that. Fwiw, I had the reverse last year. My daughter wanted to go to college, and I wanted her to stay on at school, because she never was the most dedicated of students, and I was worried she'd be allowed to coast too much. To my surprise, she's gone from an average student (got 6/7s in her GCSEs) to being predicted A* AA. I don't think her school teachers would recognise her now. Even Im surprised at the things they say at parents evening.

She's 16, you have to trust your daughter's decision. It's hard but they have got to live it, and if you make her do something she doesn't want to do, it'll just go horribly wrong. Let her hold both places open until Results are out and decide then.

DeathStare · 30/05/2021 10:29

Your DH is spot on. It's your DD's decision and yes you are being controlling.

My DD is the same age. She has researched colleges and sixth forms herself and has made her own decision. She has changed her mind twice in that process - I think that's fairly normal. It's a big decision and she needs to pick the place that feels right to her - it's not just about results. Occasionally she has asked my opinion on specific things about colleges and I've given it, but I've always emphasised that it is her decision. It's my job to support her in that. If she starts one and then changes her mind, it will be my job to support her then in exploring her options (and there will be options, there always are).

chocolateoranges33 · 30/05/2021 10:31

I think you need to have an open conversation with her about why she feels like this and support her yo make the best decision for her - not you.

Ultimately though it's up to her where she goes and you shouldn't try to force her to go to your choice.

CatsPyjama · 30/05/2021 10:32

AIBU to say she at least has to try college?

Completely. Let her make her own decision. I went to school 6th form and my brother went to college.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/05/2021 10:34

It is absolutely her decision. Not yours (I have dealt with the exact reverse and although I’d have preferred DD stayed in 6th form, her choice was college). You are unreasonable to “insist” on this. And if that is an indicator of your approach to parenting your 16 year old I think it would be helpful to re-think things a bit.

Bluntness100 · 30/05/2021 10:34

Yes. Respect her wishes.

Happinesscomesfromwithin · 30/05/2021 10:35

Sixth form is better for A Levels. Perhaps she wants to go to UNI after. College is where the trouble happens IMO

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2021 10:39

Have either of you tried to have an actual conversation with her rather than throwing out orders?

I’m sure things might have changed but when I was that age the only people from our school who went to college were those who didn’t get the GCSEs to get into sixth form.

It’s natural she wants to stay if most of her friends are staying. It’s the place she’s known for years.

YABVU not to TALK to her. If you want her to grow into a sensible well-rounded adult who takes responsibility for herself you need to listen and respect her thinking.

cushioncovers · 30/05/2021 10:39

It's her decision. I know it feels hard to let go a bit but this is what happens when your child starts to move towards adulthood. It's a learning curve for us parents as well as our kids.
You have to let them make their own choices.
My ds messed up his A levels as he just didn't want to put the work in. Now at 20 he's decided he wants to go back to college and do engineering and starts in September. You gotta let them work out for themselves.

namechange30455 · 30/05/2021 10:41

How are you proposing to force her to "at least try" college? She's 16! You sound like you're communicating with a toddler who doesn't want to eat their veg 😂

You are being very controlling.

cupsofcoffee · 30/05/2021 10:42

YABU.

It's her choice.

Topseyt · 30/05/2021 10:45

It is 100% her decision. Be there for advice and support if she asks for it but stop trying to drive it for her.

Your DH is right. You need to back off.

Berthatydfil · 30/05/2021 10:45

I think all the pps saying 6th forms are better than college are projecting their limited local knowledge to the op’s position and not putting anything into context.
Where I live most schools do not have 6th forms and the ones that do are dire mainly because funding isn’t great, they can’t offer a great range of subject and teachers are focussed on Year 11.
Parents also think that students will be left to their own devices and there won’t be the structure and discipline of a school.

A good well resourced college concentrating on year 12 and 13 will beat a school every time.
However it is your dds choice but you need to understand why she has changed her mind - is it a friendship issue, is it a wobble, leaving school growing up etc can be very daunting so perhaps she is clinging onto the familiarity, also schools where I am put on events trips (not so much with Covid) and try to tempt the year 11s to stay.
What subjects does she want to study and does she have any ideas of what she wants as a career? Does the school actually offer those - or are they likely to say that they will try but it depends on the numbers and if you get drop outs you may find they then say it’s not available and offer less suitable alternatives.
What is the schools track record on these compared to the college ?

At her age you will find it difficult to force her to attend somewhere she doesn’t want to, so it may be better to wait and as she has her college place I wouldn’t give it up now, see how she feels nearer the time and see if you can persuade her to try college for a few weeks.

JellyTumble · 30/05/2021 10:46

Of course YABVU. It’s her future, it’s her choice!

Absolutely nothing to do with you.

imumme · 30/05/2021 10:52

"Sixth form is better for A Levels. Perhaps she wants to go to UNI after. College is where the trouble happens IMO"

I'd ignore comments like this - shows a real lack of understanding about the different set ups of colleges around the country.

At the last school I taught in, all the best students went to the sixth form college, and only the worst students stayed on for sixth form. Usually because they couldn't be bothered to get up early for the college bus (rural area).

At my current school, the best students stay on for A level or they travel to Peter Symond's College in Winchester (quite a trek, so only the most academic do it) but the least academic or most naughty often go on to the local FE college.

You really can't make a blanket statement. It really is as ridiculous as saying "all secondary schools are rubbish / excellent / any other comment"

Hermanfromguesswho · 30/05/2021 10:52

If it was my child I’d have a good talk with them first snd then let them decide.
I’d find out why they’d changed their mind. If it’s cold feet at such a big change (the high school 6th form probably feels more familiar) then I’d remind her that it’s normal to get cold feet snd it might be worth having a go at college. Remind her that if she tries college snd doesn’t get on with it that she has the option to swap to 6th firm but she can’t do that the other way round.
At the end of the day though all you can do is make sure she’s got all the info and let her decide.

pilates · 30/05/2021 10:56

Is she doing the same a levels at sixth form as college? If so, I would let her go where she wants but she needs to be aware she can’t switch back if she doesn’t like it. Is there a back up plan if she doesn’t like sixth form?

paralysedbyinertia · 30/05/2021 10:58

She's 16. Both are valid choices. Your DH is right, you need to let her make her own decision.

MustardRose · 30/05/2021 11:00

What was she going to study at college, and would she be doing the same subjects at school, or different?

What is her ultimate career goal, or is she undecided?

To be honest, she is 16 so you really need to let her explain her reasoning, and if she is adamant, then you can't insist that she goes somewhere she doesn't want to go. You don't do well in an environment you don't like, however 'good' it is supposed to be.

UserAtRandom · 30/05/2021 11:04

@allthegoodusersaretaken

Why do you want her to try college if she can get a place at 6th form?

Because college gets much better results and is focused only on sixth form.

You do realise she won't get the much better results just by virtue of going to college? She'll get much better results if she is happy and feels in control of her decision - and if that's the school sixth form, then that's a perfectly good place to be. Has she applied for her school sixth form? If not, she should do so, and see how she feels in August when results come out.

PatsyJStone · 30/05/2021 11:08

I speak as someone who’s mother told her what GCEs to do, what to do after school (college) and continued to until I dropped out of work based study (kept the job) at 18. She went mad and I said I had to start making my own decisions at some point.

Mistake or not, you have got to loosen the reins at some point and let your children start to learn. It’s a tough lesson to learn if she makes the wrong decision, but I’d have a good talk with her around the options and pro’s and con’s. Then let her make the decision knowing she’s in possession of the full facts and if she gets it wrong she has to deal with that.

3cats2kids1dog · 30/05/2021 11:13

what a strange parallel universe mumsnet is. and full of contradiction.... all this "100%" her choice", "nothing to do with you" virtue signalling. she is 16, still legall a child and so still a legal responsibility of the parent. of coursr you should have input... so, of course, should she. sit down and work it out between you. if you can't agree then there will need to be compromise certainly, but its completely bonkers to just say.. "its her future her choice".
the irony is if this was a question about your 16yr old dd and an older boyfriend.... all the responses would be about "she's a child" and making emotional decisions etc... utterly wierd performance parenting posying going on...

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