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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheeky friend or am I being unreasonable?

108 replies

Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 13:47

I need perspective as I'm pretty annoyed.
AIBU to be annoyed? I've got a friendship trio. One of my friends in the trio has been desperate to get together once lock down lifted - great.
Wanted to book afternoon tea - fine. The moment restrictions lifted she messaged us to say we need to book on that day, asap.
I was a bit stressed at this because I was working on day she kept pushing to book and also no date had been suggested.
Anyhow it transpires that my friend only wanted to do the afternoon tea on a week day and she was pushing for next week.
I replied saying I can't do next week, especially a work day without my boss signing it off. Also I don't want to give up a precious day of leave when I feel it's normal to meet friends on the weekend and we could do it then. Besides I don't have much leave left.
My friend was incredibly pissed off with this and said she can never do a weekend because she has a kid (although a weekend has never been a problem before). Sorta making it sound like she was a victim and I was wrong.
I don't have kids and this is where I'm annoyed. I feel my commitments and responsibilities are not valid or important because they're not about kids.
My friend was rude to me and made me feel like I was being difficult not to give up a days leave because she fancied a week day off.
I've been made to feel unreasonable, but am I?
The upshot is she's doing it with my other friend on a weekday without me which is a bit strange as a weekend never used to be an issue.

OP posts:
TwoAndAnOnion · 29/05/2021 13:51

She obviously has childcare issues at the moment.

Unfortunately, people with no caring responsibilities tend to assume everyone is available when they are, with no restrictions on time.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/05/2021 13:53

Your friend was rude to you. That’s enough to put her in the “unreasonable” category, regardless of your own attitude or behaviour.

Her needs and wants are obviously far more important than your own and for this reason in your place I’d be taking a step back from this friendship

CounsellorTroi · 29/05/2021 13:54

YANBU. It is unreasonable to expect someone who is working full time to be available on a weekday at a moment's notice.

babblingbumblingbandofbaboons · 29/05/2021 13:54

Unless there are details you have missed out, with no children and a job that is presumably Monday to Friday with weekends off, I’m in the YABU camp.

I’m struggling to understand why you wouldn’t want to take a day off to catch up with friends that can’t (for whatever reason, even if they could before) do weekends - is that not one of the things annual leave is for? After months of lockdown and an inability to do anything close to normal friend catch ups I’ve loved being able to take days off to spend time with mine - appropriate notice given for all parties is the only caveat I can see here.

Thesearmsofmine · 29/05/2021 13:55

I don’t think either are being unreasonable. It sounds like maybe she is wanting a day off while she has childcare in place, she can get ready in peace and have a nice relaxed day. You don’t want to use your leave which is fair enough. Just meet up another day.

BendyWendy18 · 29/05/2021 13:55

YANBU, as you said you're working and your time/employment commitments are as valid as your friends are. I'd try and plan ahead and find a way to compromise - it may be that she has other weekends she could do, or you could arrange to do something at a weekend with her child as well, or see if you can accrue any time in lieu to leave work early.

babblingbumblingbandofbaboons · 29/05/2021 13:55

I should add that I’d still be annoyed that she was rude though - that’s not on. And it sounds like it was very rushed!

VettiyaIruken · 29/05/2021 13:58

Neither of you are unreasonable . You aren't available on weekdays, she isn't available on weekends. You could take annual leave to go on a weekday but don't want to, she could pay for a babysitter on the weekend but doesn't want to. They're equal iyswim.

Why not arrange something similar on a weekend with the other friend?

Mooda · 29/05/2021 14:00

Does she actually have childcare issues or does she just not want to see you at the weekend? If it's the former it's not unreasonable to ask you to consider taking a day's annual leave. If it's the latter she's unreasonable. Why should you sacrifice annual leave for something that's perfectly easy to do at the weekend. Very strange.

Ipsofacto1 · 29/05/2021 14:02

@TwoAndAnOnion

She obviously has childcare issues at the moment.

Unfortunately, people with no caring responsibilities tend to assume everyone is available when they are, with no restrictions on time.

I would say it’s the opposite. People with caring responsibilities thing those without should be available for them any time or day. As is the case here! Friend doesn’t care that the op can’t get a workday off at short notice and that her leave is nearly all used up. As she has no kids she is made to feel like her friend with kid says jump and she should say how high.
snowdropsandcrocuses · 29/05/2021 14:02

As others have said, it's often easier in the week because kids are at school or nursery or whatever so no childcare needed. Also a lot of people like to keep their weekends for family time. Is it really so difficult for you to take some time to be with friends or are you just digging your heels in because you're annoyed? It seems to me you had a choice to either go or not go and you're now pissed off because they're going without you.

Cornettoninja · 29/05/2021 14:05

I don’t think either of you are UR either, you’ve just got conflicting priorities/resources right now. I wouldn’t be impressed with someone trying to dictate my annual leave usage either.

You could arrange to go to her house one evening for a takeaway/drinks to save her worrying about childcare so you can all catch up.

Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 14:06

Ok so it's the fact that we have always normally arranged days out and stuff together on the weekends. So I assumed this meet up would be the same.
Child care has never been an issue for her ever before but it is, for some reason now.
When I said I could we do a weekend her response was as if I should've known she has childcare 'issues'
I only have 2 days leave left and I need to have those just incase of an emergency so for anyone saying I'm being unreasonable to not give up a days holiday I disagree. Also I very much felt that her needs and what she wanted was more valid because she has kids.
Again it's the idea that people without kids don't have important commitments

OP posts:
Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 14:09

And this happens at my work all the time. I am expected to cover others last minute because of their kids and do disportionate evening events because they have kids.
It was extremely frustrating in lock down

OP posts:
Cadent · 29/05/2021 14:12

@TwoAndAnOnion

She obviously has childcare issues at the moment.

Unfortunately, people with no caring responsibilities tend to assume everyone is available when they are, with no restrictions on time.

Or even people without jobs assuming people working can take time off whenever they want.
Cadent · 29/05/2021 14:12

@Stockholmvillage

And this happens at my work all the time. I am expected to cover others last minute because of their kids and do disportionate evening events because they have kids. It was extremely frustrating in lock down
Don’t let them get away with this, OP.

Tell them you have caring responsibilities for your parents if you have to.

Flowers500 · 29/05/2021 14:13

So weirded out by the responses on here, no way in hell would I take a day off work to hang out with a friend? That's what evenings and weekends are for. AL is for holidays and essential appointments, chores, house maintenance etc., who has enough AL to spend on things like this??? Afternoon tea is a bank holiday or a weekend thing

Cadent · 29/05/2021 14:14

@snowdropsandcrocuses

As others have said, it's often easier in the week because kids are at school or nursery or whatever so no childcare needed. Also a lot of people like to keep their weekends for family time. Is it really so difficult for you to take some time to be with friends or are you just digging your heels in because you're annoyed? It seems to me you had a choice to either go or not go and you're now pissed off because they're going without you.
Why is this woman’s time more important than OP’s?

OP’s job is important to her too and annual leave is scant.

Flowers500 · 29/05/2021 14:15

I assume your friend doesn't work? So when the kids are in school (during normal working hours...) she needs entertainment? Then she needs to get SAHM friends, not expect people who work to accommodate her schedule.

diddl · 29/05/2021 14:15

Time off work for afternoon tea??!!

Er no!

katy1213 · 29/05/2021 14:15

You're both unreasonable making an issue of it. She asked you to something on a weekday - you can't come - she's going with someone else. Why should she cancel to suit you? Any more than you should take a day's leave to suit her?

Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 14:15

Thank you for the responses.
I think there is a big divide between those with kids who some how think they're entitled to special treatment and the rest of us who can drop (our non responsibilities) at the drop of a hat.

OP posts:
baldafrique · 29/05/2021 14:16

Haha what a joker! Reminds me of a friend who wanted me to use A/L to see her when she was on mat leave. Nope! Weekends only soz.

TwoAndAnOnion · 29/05/2021 14:16

@Stockholmvillage

Ok so it's the fact that we have always normally arranged days out and stuff together on the weekends. So I assumed this meet up would be the same. Child care has never been an issue for her ever before but it is, for some reason now. When I said I could we do a weekend her response was as if I should've known she has childcare 'issues' I only have 2 days leave left and I need to have those just incase of an emergency so for anyone saying I'm being unreasonable to not give up a days holiday I disagree. Also I very much felt that her needs and what she wanted was more valid because she has kids. Again it's the idea that people without kids don't have important commitments
See, now you've padded out your OP, there's more detail, no YANBU to want to save your holiday and she is also NBU becasue she has child care issues.

TBH, if people actually communicated fully with each other about their restrictions, then these issues wouldnt arise.

Flowers500 · 29/05/2021 14:16

Like hell would I throw my annual leave away to accommodate someone else's "family time"