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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheeky friend or am I being unreasonable?

108 replies

Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 13:47

I need perspective as I'm pretty annoyed.
AIBU to be annoyed? I've got a friendship trio. One of my friends in the trio has been desperate to get together once lock down lifted - great.
Wanted to book afternoon tea - fine. The moment restrictions lifted she messaged us to say we need to book on that day, asap.
I was a bit stressed at this because I was working on day she kept pushing to book and also no date had been suggested.
Anyhow it transpires that my friend only wanted to do the afternoon tea on a week day and she was pushing for next week.
I replied saying I can't do next week, especially a work day without my boss signing it off. Also I don't want to give up a precious day of leave when I feel it's normal to meet friends on the weekend and we could do it then. Besides I don't have much leave left.
My friend was incredibly pissed off with this and said she can never do a weekend because she has a kid (although a weekend has never been a problem before). Sorta making it sound like she was a victim and I was wrong.
I don't have kids and this is where I'm annoyed. I feel my commitments and responsibilities are not valid or important because they're not about kids.
My friend was rude to me and made me feel like I was being difficult not to give up a days leave because she fancied a week day off.
I've been made to feel unreasonable, but am I?
The upshot is she's doing it with my other friend on a weekday without me which is a bit strange as a weekend never used to be an issue.

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 29/05/2021 14:16

Your friend is expecting you to use your limited number of leave days, so that she doesn't have to use a weekend, even though she has far more weekend time than you have annual leave! And not giving you enough notice to book a day off work!

Cadent · 29/05/2021 14:17

How often do you usually meet up? Maybe propose some dates for a weekend or evening meet up in the next few weeks?

Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 14:17

@katy1213 where did I say she should cancel? I am in no way upset or angry she and my friend arrange a week day. I totally understand that I can't make it. Please read the thread before going crazy!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 29/05/2021 14:17

She’s been rude and aggressive. YANBU.

LaBellina · 29/05/2021 14:19

YANBU.

I’m a mum myself but don’t expect the world to revolve around me and everyone to adjust their schedules for me just because I have a child. If there’s an issue with childcare when wanting to meet a friend I kindly explain it to them and ask for their understanding and flexibility. This attitude will get you far. (though I was pretty pissed of recently with a friend who was 30 minutes late for our meeting for no obvious reason and I had to wait for her with my impatient and crying toddler inside a train station).

Your friend should have explained her issues to you and find a solution together with you, no matter how frustrating it all is for her.

Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 14:20

Urgh the more I read the thread the more annoyed I get. Some people really do feel entitled when they have kids.
I'd never expect a friend to use up their annual leave to the point we had our wedding on a Saturday as I felt guilty imposing that on ppl and didn't want to make them give up a days leave .

OP posts:
Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 14:21

And I'd just say that all my friends with kids are amazing and not like this.
But my boss is entitled like my friend so probably got my back up!

OP posts:
skinschool · 29/05/2021 14:23

Next week is half-term where I am

Hankunamatata · 29/05/2021 14:25

I wouldnt expect my friends who work ft to be available on a week day and certainly wouldnt expect them to use leave!

Squirrelblanket · 29/05/2021 14:29

I think it's reasonable that she wants to do something on a weekday to help her childcare issues. I also think it's reasonable for you not to want to use a day's leave for it. I certainly wouldn't!

I have an aunt who is retired and often wants to plan things on weekdays, or on weekends but including the Friday or Monday because 'you can just take a day off'. Hmm I just don't ever have that much spare leave for things like that!

CharlotteRose90 · 29/05/2021 14:30

YANBU. Having kids doesn’t trump someone working full time. In my work leave doesn’t get approved unless it’s 4 weeks in advance and I certainly wouldn’t take a days holiday for it . My guess is the afternoon tea was cheaper during the week so she made excuses over the childcare. I’d let this one go and see if she is unreasonable in the future.

Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 14:33

@CharlotteRose90 agree, probably a deal.

Just strange in all the years I've known her and childcare is now an issue. I was surprised by her reaction to me like I was being thick for not realising her child care issues 🙄

OP posts:
KFleming · 29/05/2021 14:34

Ok so it's the fact that we have always normally arranged days out and stuff together on the weekends.

This bit actually makes me feel like you are being a bit unreasonable. Weekdays are clearly more convenient for her, weekends are more convenient for you, which is fair enough, no one is unreasonable there. But if you always meet up on weekends, I can see that she might be thinking that normally things are done in a way less convenient for her, so now she’d like to arrange something on a day more convenient.

That doesn’t mean I think she’s necessarily gone about it in the best way.

Crinkle77 · 29/05/2021 14:34

@TwoAndAnOnion

She obviously has childcare issues at the moment.

Unfortunately, people with no caring responsibilities tend to assume everyone is available when they are, with no restrictions on time.

Let's bash childless people again. So annoying! Not all childless people are selfish. I don't have kids but when I plan anything with my friends who have them I always ask them when is convenient and work around them and their commitments.
Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 14:36

@KFleming nope she's always been the one to suggest weekends

OP posts:
Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 14:37

Tbh I'm fed up of people who chose to have kids thinking we all need to revolve around them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 14:38

Also none of my childless friends expect me to take time off for get togethers

OP posts:
Aprilx · 29/05/2021 14:40

She wants you to use up annual leave because she does not want to cut into family weekend time, even though she has far more of that than you do annual leave. She thinks that is reasonable because her time is more important than yours because you don’t have children.

I have always used my annual leave is for holidays, long weekends, appointments perhaps special occasions that fall mid week, but never for lunch with friends. I honestly can’t say I recall anyone I know booking a day of leave in order to go to lunch with friends.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 29/05/2021 14:42

Don't bother going. YANBU

osbertthesyrianhamster · 29/05/2021 14:43

@Stockholmvillage

Tbh I'm fed up of people who chose to have kids thinking we all need to revolve around them.
I have older kids and I agree with you. Never expected others to revolve my choice to have children.
ddl1 · 29/05/2021 14:44

I think both of you are being U: very aware of your own constraints, but intolerant of other people's. You need to discuss the issues and come to some sort of solution, but not from a perspective of 'I'm reasonable; the other person is being selfish'. That applies to you both.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/05/2021 14:45

Is she married/got a partner?

I doubt it's actually the childcare that's the problem, since it hasn't been before - I'd say it's more likely that she's either got a new hobby at the weekend, or the kids have, or she's got a new boyfriend.

For some reason that she hasn't bothered to let you know yet, her weekends have now become "her time" and she's not going to share them with you - but that's no reason why you should accommodate that.

If she's not going to be open and up front about why the sudden change, then I can't see a good reason for you to give up your holiday time.

DifferentHair · 29/05/2021 14:51

You're both being unreasonable. What a storm in a teacup.

Weekdays don't work for you, weekends she has the kids. Really not worth getting upset about.

If you want to catch up with her, offer to bring a coffee to the park while she has her kids or something.

Ask her to meet you near your office for lunch one weekday.

If you're such good friends, see a few years of tedious catch ups in the context of a lifetime. Her kids won't always need her on the weekends, just suck it up.

Leaping to getting upset and calling the other one cheeky is dramatic and odd.

Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 14:52

No idea why it's all of a sudden changed as her circumstances are exactly the same.

I think both of you are being U: very aware of your own constraints, but intolerant of other people's
So if I said I need to look after the dog because my dog walker is on holiday so you need to take holiday because of this you'd be ok with this? No you wouldn't
Replace the word dog with child and then somehow it becomes more valid.

Nothing to do with intolerance but when weekends have always been fine and most people organise things with friends on the weekend
I'd never dream of expecting someone to give up annual leave

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 29/05/2021 14:55

I bet she's paid upfront for a voucher and that's why it had to be on that day. If she's not been working she may have assumed that due to lockdowns you've not taken holiday so have lots left. Who knows? There's no need for her rudeness.