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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheeky friend or am I being unreasonable?

108 replies

Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 13:47

I need perspective as I'm pretty annoyed.
AIBU to be annoyed? I've got a friendship trio. One of my friends in the trio has been desperate to get together once lock down lifted - great.
Wanted to book afternoon tea - fine. The moment restrictions lifted she messaged us to say we need to book on that day, asap.
I was a bit stressed at this because I was working on day she kept pushing to book and also no date had been suggested.
Anyhow it transpires that my friend only wanted to do the afternoon tea on a week day and she was pushing for next week.
I replied saying I can't do next week, especially a work day without my boss signing it off. Also I don't want to give up a precious day of leave when I feel it's normal to meet friends on the weekend and we could do it then. Besides I don't have much leave left.
My friend was incredibly pissed off with this and said she can never do a weekend because she has a kid (although a weekend has never been a problem before). Sorta making it sound like she was a victim and I was wrong.
I don't have kids and this is where I'm annoyed. I feel my commitments and responsibilities are not valid or important because they're not about kids.
My friend was rude to me and made me feel like I was being difficult not to give up a days leave because she fancied a week day off.
I've been made to feel unreasonable, but am I?
The upshot is she's doing it with my other friend on a weekday without me which is a bit strange as a weekend never used to be an issue.

OP posts:
peardrops1 · 29/05/2021 14:58

Some of the responses on here are so weird! I work part time, and weekends can be tricky for me for socialising, so weekdays would be easier theoretically for socialising... but only easier for me, not for most of my friends, who work ft! I would NEVER expect a friend to take a day off work to hang out with me. YANBU × 1000.

OwlBeThere · 29/05/2021 15:02

Well if you’ve always done weekends, then maybe it’s your turn to compromise for a time it suits her better.
But I don’t think either of you are wrong, you just don’t have time off at the same time at the minute so you can’t do it together.

OwlBeThere · 29/05/2021 15:04

Also I think you are being a little unfair and conflating work issues with your friends lack of childcare: they are two separate things, it’s not her fault your boss allows this to happen.

Rainbowqueeen · 29/05/2021 15:05

Another one who thinks it is Boucher related.

I’d just move on from this and make a plan to see her at a time that suits you both
Yes she’s been weird but you have stood your ground. Hopefully it won’t happen again.

Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 15:05

@OwlBeThere I disagree. My friend has always wanted to do weekends and I also disagree that i should compromise. For example if decided I wanted to do something on a week day and said to a friend let's do it on a Monday, take a day off work ....how is this acceptable?
But if I said oh I have a kid all of a sudden it's acceptable for me to expect friends to give up their leave.Confused

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 29/05/2021 15:05

Voucher not Boucher !!

Tubs11 · 29/05/2021 15:12

As a mum I totally understand the childcare issue due to covid. Pandemic or no pandemic I wouldn't use a days leave to meet friends for an afternoon tea. You clearly have hangups about friends with kids though.

MintyCedric · 29/05/2021 15:20

Honestly your lives just don't align well at the moment and it is what it is.

Since getting divorced I see less of my married friends. They are in the fortunate position of being able to work p/t so tend to meet midweek so they are at home weekends for their DPs and kids.

I have to work full time and my job isn't flexible so instead of getting together once a month or so for coffee/lunch, we have maybe a couple of evenings out per year.

It's a bugger, but such is life.

Lorw · 29/05/2021 15:31

Both of you are being unreasonable. You will both have to reach a compromise. Being of the attitude that ‘well it’s never been a problem before and everyone meets friends on weekends’ is just the same as her ‘well I have childcare issues on the weekend so can only do weekdays’ one doesn’t trump the other and a middle ground needs to be reached.

Btw not everyone meets friends on weekends because not everybody works Monday to Friday Wink

DeathOnTheNile · 29/05/2021 15:40

I don't think you're BU for not wanting to use a leave day to meet - of course you should keep your leave for when you want/need it. But you seem to be extrapolating a lot from this incident to generalisations about people with kids and how entitled they are, which is a bit unreasonable of you. (I say that as someone who doesn't have kids, btw.) I've seen how having childcare issues can really restrict people's movements, so I don't think your friend was cheeky for asking, nor do I think you were unreasonable for saying no.

If you're good friends, this should be a simple 'no thanks, have a nice time' kind of thing.

Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 15:42

So I have hang ups with friends who have kids Hmm because I don't want to take annual leave at the drop of the hat with a weeks notice. It's mind boggling entitlement.
I did suggest later in a few months when my annual leave is topped up but she wasn't happy because it had to be in the next week....sorry but my boss wouldn't allow it.
So how much more do I need to compromise to accommodate my friends needs?

So I've got a dog, that's my choice I don't demand that my friends work around my dogs schedule because it suits me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 15:45

generalisations about people with kids and how entitled they are, which is a bit unreasonable nope it's not a generalisation it is my experience of my boss and ONE friend.
I've already said all other friends who have kids are great and reasonable.

I've been made to feel by my friend and my boss that because I don't have kids my time is up for grabs and that their commitments are far more important because they have kids.

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 29/05/2021 16:08

I don’t get it. All three of you work during the week?
So the convo would go, “hey, do you fancy taking a day’s/afternoon leave so we can meet up in the week?”

The child is a red herring, you all have work so same issue with a weekday for all of you. So it’s just about who is willing to use up holiday and who isn’t. For your friend, who seems previously to have had childcare at weekends, the incentive is that weekend DS are now no good for her. For the other two of you, the issue is that you she can’t do weekends.

Yes it is weird that she acted like you should have known weekends did not work for her, but she is of course BU to think that days off can be taken at the drop of a hat.

However you seem to have deeper issues around people with kids at work taking the piss and might be projecting a bit.

Has your mate’s husband recently left her or something and you’ve not been paying attention? Where is the child’s father?

HaveringWavering · 29/05/2021 16:09

Weekends, not Weekend DS.

Franklyfrost · 29/05/2021 16:10

Nothing screams unreasonable like comparing having a child to having a dog.

Original poster
Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 16:22

@Franklyfrost how come? They're both lifestyle choices. If you have a dog you sacrafice things just like deciding to have kids.
How is it any different?
I don't have deep issues Grin just because I don't agree that children can be used as leverage to get what you want doesn't mean I have issues.
I'd say someone using kids as entitlement has the issue

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 29/05/2021 16:23

Expecting someone to be able to take a/l at a weeks notice unreasonable

Who usually looks after child ? Is it partner?

Reality life is far less flexible with children. Childcare has been much tougher with restrictions.. that is a reality.

I think you are making a lot of generalisations about people with children. My sitation lp with a child with sn is probably very different to mum of teenager who is a stay at home mum.. you can't compare

Your friend though was also rude.

billy1966 · 29/05/2021 16:30

OP,
Of course YANBU.
Annual leave is so precious I definitely wouldn't give it up for afternoon tea.

Her rudeness is unacceptable.

As is your boss.

My extremely well qualified friend is just after upping and leaving a position where she was hugely valued but her employer had been taking the piss and she handed in her notice and because she had so much untaken leave she finished up in two days!

She had had enough.
She's single and has carried the load for a number of back to back maternity leaves where it was difficult to get extra cover.
She had enough.
One of her colleagues is now having a second baby and she has said fxxk it, I'm done.
Her employer is genuinely very upset and really wanted her to stay but she won't budge.
She's taking the summer off and will think about work in the autumn.

Just because you don't have children does not mean that you get the shit hours and awkward slots.
I think you are mad to accept it.

HaveringWavering · 29/05/2021 16:32

[quote Stockholmvillage]@Franklyfrost how come? They're both lifestyle choices. If you have a dog you sacrafice things just like deciding to have kids.
How is it any different?
I don't have deep issues Grin just because I don't agree that children can be used as leverage to get what you want doesn't mean I have issues.
I'd say someone using kids as entitlement has the issue[/quote]
I didn’t say you had “deep issues”, I said you had “deeper issues” with your colleague than with your friend and you are letting those influence your view of your friend. You’ve made it plain that your colleagues have been pissing you off for a long time.

I also said you were not being unreasonable! Why won’t you answer the question about why the kid’s father can’t look after it?

baldafrique · 29/05/2021 17:16

Its actually insane expecting someone to use A/L because they dont wish to meet at a weekend. Wtaf.

blaisealex · 29/05/2021 17:32

YANBU. I have a three year old and only work two days a week now, so my preference is weekdays rather than weekends but I'd never expect a friend to use AL! When I was working FT, my annual leave was really important to me and I wouldn't have used it up for afternoon tea with a mate. Even now, I'll meet friends who work FT at weekends, even though I'd rather do weekdays.

DeathStare · 29/05/2021 18:26

In terms of when to meet up, neither of you is being unreasonable. She can't do weekends, you don't want to use annual leave to meet up in the week. Both are fair enough. Yours involves a choice, whereas hers probably doesn't, but it's not an unreasonable choice.

So just let it go. Her and your other friend are obviously happy to meet midweek, you aren't so you will have to miss out this time. That's life.

In terms of the way you have spoken about your friend and the way you have spoken to other people on this thread - yes you are unreasonable. And rude.

VeganCheesePlease · 29/05/2021 19:18

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. But I would ask if you really want to catch up, why not use a day of leave and make sure you tell her you're having to use the day so you want to make the day really count.

WestendVBroadway · 29/05/2021 19:33

I am a little bit on the fence with this one. At the moment I work in education, so could not possibly do a week day durIng term time. However I do think parents are treated more fairly in some instances. Before I had a child I worked in retail and had to give priority to colleagues with children, when booking annual leave. This basically meant that I could not have a summer vacation during the school holidays. Okay so it may have been cheaper, but if not going abroad the weather would be cr*p.

mumtoallbhoys · 29/05/2021 19:41

Maybe she doesn't want to go at a weekend because it is more expensive or the slot is shorter? Why wouldn't she just say that though.