Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Cheeky friend or am I being unreasonable?

108 replies

Stockholmvillage · 29/05/2021 13:47

I need perspective as I'm pretty annoyed.
AIBU to be annoyed? I've got a friendship trio. One of my friends in the trio has been desperate to get together once lock down lifted - great.
Wanted to book afternoon tea - fine. The moment restrictions lifted she messaged us to say we need to book on that day, asap.
I was a bit stressed at this because I was working on day she kept pushing to book and also no date had been suggested.
Anyhow it transpires that my friend only wanted to do the afternoon tea on a week day and she was pushing for next week.
I replied saying I can't do next week, especially a work day without my boss signing it off. Also I don't want to give up a precious day of leave when I feel it's normal to meet friends on the weekend and we could do it then. Besides I don't have much leave left.
My friend was incredibly pissed off with this and said she can never do a weekend because she has a kid (although a weekend has never been a problem before). Sorta making it sound like she was a victim and I was wrong.
I don't have kids and this is where I'm annoyed. I feel my commitments and responsibilities are not valid or important because they're not about kids.
My friend was rude to me and made me feel like I was being difficult not to give up a days leave because she fancied a week day off.
I've been made to feel unreasonable, but am I?
The upshot is she's doing it with my other friend on a weekday without me which is a bit strange as a weekend never used to be an issue.

OP posts:

ab21 · 29/05/2021 20:00

Rather depends on her childcare options for the weekend. I have friends without kids who work; I would happily leave my kids with my husband at the weekend and see them then.

I think it's unreasonable to expect you to give up a day of leave if she can leave the kids with a partner or grandparents. And frankly rather harsh of her to book to go without you.

KDHgivb · 29/05/2021 20:46

You both just have different priorities- thats fine so you might just not meet up as often. Maybe you should ask whether weeekends just dont work anymore etx if you still want to see her.

Yes, life totally does change with kids and am sorry but most childfree people dont quite get it. I certainly didnt and we had kids about ten years after everyone else. If nothing else, because seeing friends without kids stops goes from being an inconsequential thing that you can do six times on a weekend to something to look forward to and plan as at best you might wangle a childfree outing with a mate once a month if you are lucky. I currently have this same issue with my childfree sister, she has a tendency to cancel at the last minute and just say well cant we do it another day or saturday or whatever. No matter how many times I tried to tell her that I need to schedule things in advance and no I cant do tomorrow cos the rest of the weekend (month) is already laid out etc etc.

The reality is when it comes to leisure/free time, you are currently occurring different planes. If you want to see her, then either or both will need to compromise

NCtitleofyoursextape · 29/05/2021 20:46

[quote Stockholmvillage]@OwlBeThere I disagree. My friend has always wanted to do weekends and I also disagree that i should compromise. For example if decided I wanted to do something on a week day and said to a friend let's do it on a Monday, take a day off work ....how is this acceptable?
But if I said oh I have a kid all of a sudden it's acceptable for me to expect friends to give up their leave.[/quote]
OP not sure why you put this in AIBU, you seem pretty clear you were not. Neither are unreasonable, she has childcare issues so weekday is preferable, you don’t want to take a day off work so weekend is preferable. She shouldn’t have to work around you anymore than you around her. If one of you can easily change their commitments great, if not, it’ll be another time.

Auntycorruption · 29/05/2021 20:51

@Stockholmvillage

And this happens at my work all the time. I am expected to cover others last minute because of their kids and do disportionate evening events because they have kids. It was extremely frustrating in lock down

When those people were WORKING and HOME SCHOOLING and CARING for their kids, all at the same fucking time you mean. Literally at the same time. I made lunch while on a work call while supervising my child's zoom. It was hell. If you can't have sympathy for those colleagues and give them a break for not being 100% present at work then you are being very unfair

Enough4me · 29/05/2021 20:51

I have DCs and work. It's pretty much FT between school runs for me and I'd be with you in wanting a weekend. It's not fair for her to expect you to be able to drop work.

Ipsofacto1 · 29/05/2021 21:21

@Auntycorruption sorry did someone force you to have children? You made the decision to have children and while you clearly also need to work. That’s your choice. Yes that means lockdown was likely hell for you but why do you expect people like OP to pick up the slack from YOUR decisions. Because you decided something For your life you honestly expect your work colleagues who didn’t make the same decision to pick up your slack? Get a grip.

KDHgivb · 29/05/2021 21:42

@Ipsofacto1 thats literally called society....

NCtitleofyoursextape · 29/05/2021 21:49

What a ridiculous message @Ipsofacto1

Ipsofacto1 · 29/05/2021 21:51

[quote KDHgivb]@Ipsofacto1 thats literally called society....[/quote]
So society is where you get a job and are paid with the expectation you do that job. You make a choice to do something that affects your ability to do your job and then freeload on other people who barely know you expecting them to do extra work or antisocial hours to facilitate you - and if they dare complain they get slagged off for being unreasonable. that’s news to me.

KDHgivb · 29/05/2021 22:11

@Ipsofacto1 ah no society is the general expectation that it is not just about personal interests/needs but also collective ones i.e. you need people to have kids, so that there is a junior doctor there to treat you when you get sick etc etc etc, you need someone to work in a shop when you buy food etc etc etc. Grant you society has been increasingly undermined both by contemporary politics and technological advances but nonetheless the argument of well just dont have kids is a facile one

KDHgivb · 29/05/2021 22:12

@Ipsofacto1 and I mean literally the whole point of the lockdown was to make sure that other folk dont get sick etc. I mean I've spent the whole year at home just to ensure that hospitals still have capacity to treat other people............so if you have issues with picking up the slack for other people then what have you been doing all year

Mydogmylife · 29/05/2021 22:41

@Flowers500

Like hell would I throw my annual leave away to accommodate someone else's "family time"

Absolutely

Grapewrath · 29/05/2021 22:51

I think if you’ve always done weekends then it’s fair to use a days AL to accommodate your friend. She’s obviously arranged childcare for the weekends previously. Weekends suit you, weekdays suit her. You’ve done weekends so far so a weekday next is reasonable

JackANackAnoreeee · 29/05/2021 22:56

I don't think she's unreasonable to ask to do it on a weekday or go with the other friend if you're not available. She is unreasonable to get arsy because you wouldn't use up your leave. I wouldn't use a day of leave for an afternoon tea either.

Ipsofacto1 · 29/05/2021 22:59

[quote KDHgivb]@Ipsofacto1 ah no society is the general expectation that it is not just about personal interests/needs but also collective ones i.e. you need people to have kids, so that there is a junior doctor there to treat you when you get sick etc etc etc, you need someone to work in a shop when you buy food etc etc etc. Grant you society has been increasingly undermined both by contemporary politics and technological advances but nonetheless the argument of well just dont have kids is a facile one[/quote]
I pay a high rate of tax which goes towards supporting society. I don’t have to give up my own personal free time and overwork myself because someone who had kids thinks her little darlings will be the junior doctor saving my life in 30 years so I have to pick up the slack and do their work for them.

Gosh no wonder some posters think op is being unreasonable if they believe having children absolves them from having to do their job which they are being paid to do properly and that someone else they perceive as not important (aka those without children) should do the work for them.

Ipsofacto1 · 29/05/2021 22:59

[quote KDHgivb]@Ipsofacto1 and I mean literally the whole point of the lockdown was to make sure that other folk dont get sick etc. I mean I've spent the whole year at home just to ensure that hospitals still have capacity to treat other people............so if you have issues with picking up the slack for other people then what have you been doing all year[/quote]
I’ve been doing my job all year. What a weird question

cadburyegg · 29/05/2021 23:06

I think both of you are being unreasonable

I would never expect my friends to give up their annual leave to see me on a weekday but also meeting up at the weekend without my kids can be very difficult to organise. It’s about giving a bit of flexibility and consideration on both sides, not about certain groups of people having a huge sense of entitlement.

Also if you’re being asked to step in to cover for people with kids at work then that’s a management issue you should discuss with your boss, it has nothing to do with your colleagues who have kids

Seabreeze18 · 29/05/2021 23:06

I completely get u not wanting to use your last few days of AL but u don’t seem that nice with regards to childcare needs!!! It’s not the same as having a dog! Dogs can be left at home, kids can’t and sometimes kids go through different stages of needs, which can mean that a babysitter wouldn’t work! Childminders are taking less children due to COVID so u are bring unreasonable the way u talk about mums!! Also maybe this mum is at breaking point and needs time away with her friends?

nanbread · 29/05/2021 23:11

@Seabreeze18

Agree

DaphneMoonsSeattle · 29/05/2021 23:12

I can see why the bees are in trouble. So many seem to be stuck in people's bonnets at the moment.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 29/05/2021 23:17

I’m really surprised about the responses here. It’s a clear YANBU to me. Why would she expect you take a day’s leave when you normally get together at weekends? I have a child and I wouldn’t want to use a day’s holiday for something like that.

3CCC · 29/05/2021 23:31

Yanbu

I work in a school all holiday unless it's an urgent hospital appointment or someone has died is to be taken during the school holidays

Happynewtier · 30/05/2021 00:15

I have youngish kids, so mainly "available" during the week when they're at school, but I would never remotely even suggest to any of my working friends that they should take a day off work to suit my schedule!? That's absolutely crazy. We meet on a suitable weekend/evening, usually booking ourselves in weeks in advance, so childcare, and other commitments are sorted. Just assumed that was normal...?! Having kids can make socialising tricky, but so can having a full-time job, and you shouldn't be expected to be available to socialise during your working hours at short notice?!

Ponoka7 · 30/05/2021 00:48

@Ipsofacto1, the point was that many parents didn't have a choice to go to work during lock down. You can't be in two places at once and children under 12 need someone to be physically at home with them. People whose children are at home because the schools/nurseries/childcare are closed, are contributing to society. They wasn't to blame if firms didn't bring in temporary staff. unlike dogs, children can't be left alone and are a valuable asset to society.

Auntycorruption · 30/05/2021 06:53

[quote Ponoka7]@Ipsofacto1, the point was that many parents didn't have a choice to go to work during lock down. You can't be in two places at once and children under 12 need someone to be physically at home with them. People whose children are at home because the schools/nurseries/childcare are closed, are contributing to society. They wasn't to blame if firms didn't bring in temporary staff. unlike dogs, children can't be left alone and are a valuable asset to society.[/quote]
Exactly. Yes I chose to have children and in normal time my work is unaffected, just like many others.

I didn't choose the pandemic. I didn't choose to close the schools. I didn't choose to have to keep my children at home for 6 months and be responsible for their education as well as general survival and development. I certainly didn't choose to be forced to work from home at the same time.

This is obviously a derail to an obviously goady thread, I should have known better than to post!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread