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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum doing adult son's washing- would this turn you off?

404 replies

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:29

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry.
I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK.
I mean his MUM.
I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

OP posts:

HaveringWavering · 27/05/2021 12:41

Oh I bet she has used the same washing powder for years and he thinks it just doesn’t smell the same when he does it himself…bleurgh.

Have you asked him why he does it?

Kokosrieksts · 27/05/2021 12:43

It would turn me off.

DandelionRose · 27/05/2021 12:43

Re PP who say their parents would do all manner of things in their house including sticking on washing etc - it's probably fine for singles, it just doesn't give too much elbow room for a romantic relationship.

With the man I dated whose mum did washing including bedding etc, they were stuck in their original family dynamic of parents "doing" and (adult) children "needing" help because what they got out of it was the Mum feeling like she was still young enough to have kids who "needed" her, and the adult DS quite enjoyed still feeling "young" enough to warrant parental care even though he was fully grown, very responsible and in a serious career. It made them both feel that time was standing still a bit, so when a romantic relationship came along it threatened the status quo of all. DS felt responsible for not booting his DM out of the picture for a new woman. DM was not about to step down uninvited and lose her grasp on her DS. That's what can be unhealthy about it. It's not about the actions, it's the motivation and the willingness to move on or change when something significant changes ie a serious romantic relationship.

QioiioiioQ · 27/05/2021 12:43

He does sound like a mummy's boy doesn't he
What's the sex like?

HunkyPunk · 27/05/2021 12:45

Since when was having someone wash your pants considered “enjoying their company”?!!!

But you have no idea what the rationale is?!!! Maybe they have a meal together and a chat when he drops it off and picks it up? Maybe if she's on her own, it makes better sense and is more economic to put on a full load of washing? She may have to wait days before it's worth putting the machine on for just her clothes.

Original poster

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 12:45

Sexism issues aside, I just do not for the life of me understand how any woman (if not late teens/early 20s where, yeah, neither of you are expected to be completely independent) could be aroused by a grown ass boyfriend and share his bed KNOWING his mum would be washing sheets afterwards.

It's just nauseating.

OP posts:

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 12:46

People keep comparing it to doing the odd bit of DIY or gardening, cooking the odd meal when someone comes round, or providing childcare, and it is not the same at all! No-one does laundry as a hobby, doing the laundry isn't a social occasion for the family to enjoy together, laundry doesn't involve any special skills or tools (beyond a washing machine), and no-one enjoys interacting with and establishing a relationship with someone's dirty clothes.

Laundry is a basic task that needs doing every single week (or more), and is akin to wiping your kitchen surfaces down or emptying your bins. Unless someone does not have access to a washing machine, or is incapable for some reason, there is no excuse for not doing it yourself, or at the very least making arrangements for it to be done by a cleaner.

I wouldn't judge someone who asked their parents to help them out with a DIY task, or childcare, but laundry is such a different kettle of fish.

AppleSouffle · 27/05/2021 12:46

Dealbreaker for me. Would massively give me the Ick. I like an independent, capable man and have zero respect for women who martyr themselves to their family.

Either the man is incapable for organising himself or using a washing machine, which is deeply unattractive
OR
He thinks that washing his own pants is womans work/somehow beneath him. Also deeply unattractive
OR
He is unable to stand up to his possibly overbearing mother (in the unlikely event that she is insisting on washing for her Man-child). Also deeply unattractive.

Original poster

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 12:47

Oh well got the ick. And you can never go back from the ick.

OP posts:

HaveringWavering · 27/05/2021 12:47

This was 20 years ago i met him he told me he thought is was a big negative to not know how to cook or do his own washing and he was too embarrassed to ask at uni.

@Somersetlady your husband had got into University but he didn’t think to read a cookbook or the back of a washing powder packet? There was even internet 20 years ago I think, and definitely would have been books about domestic chores available in bookshops.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 12:48

@HunkyPunk

Since when was having someone wash your pants considered “enjoying their company”?!!!

The fact that he won't pop round and see his parents without getting his washing done would be a turn off. It's entirely possible for him to do the social bits without expecting to get his chores done.

The average adult can fill a washing machine roughly once a week, so I don't buy that she needs to wash his clothes in order to make it worth turning her washing machine on.

aiwblam · 27/05/2021 12:49

Are you certain his machine is in good working order? My mum occasionally does my 40yo db’s washing because he’s in a rented flat and the washing dryer is shit, won’t always close properly and the landlord doesn’t care.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 12:49

There was even internet 20 years ago I think, and definitely would have been books about domestic chores available in bookshops.

Yes! 20 years ago was not the dark ages... there was plenty of information out there about how to cook etc.

999Alex · 27/05/2021 12:49

It wouldn't really put me off but I guess it depends. It might have been something that started when he was young and had his first place & didn't have a clue and mum offered. Maybe he's scared to hurt her feelings by stopping maybe he's really lazy, who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not fussed about the washing but I'd gladly let my mum iron my stuff if she was stupid enough to offer 😆

Lahlahlah · 27/05/2021 12:49

To me it indicates that the Mum might not really want her son to grow up and end up being overbearing.

A mum offering to do it as a one-off because the washing machine has broken is one thing, but doing it on a regular basis is strange.

Anordinarymum · 27/05/2021 12:51

@Larkstongues

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry. I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK. I mean his MUM. I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

Having read most of the thread and your comments I am at a loss as to why you brought this up OP?

The guy takes his washing to his mum's, so what ? Does she live alone ? Perhaps it gives her a purpose knowing she is helping him ?

If he were 40 and still living at home I might have sympathised with you a little, but to be honest I think he has dodged a bullet here

Anna727b · 27/05/2021 12:53

I would probably tell him that you find it a bit odd and ask whether he can start doing his own laundry? If he does, then carry on with him; if he doesn't then he's basically a man-child and won't make a good partner!

ineedaholidaynow · 27/05/2021 12:53

Does he have a sister? Does she do hers as well?

WaterBottle123 · 27/05/2021 12:54

@sadperson16

Interesting, I used to (frankly) despise women who did this kind of thing......now occasionaly I am that person. It is a tricky stage becoming redundant as a mother.

@sadperson16 Laundry is not mothering,

RantyAnty · 27/05/2021 12:54

Yuck that would give me the ick and fast.

I couldn't imagine having a parent do my laundry unless I was ill or recovering from surgery or something like that.

Visiting my parents was simply that. Hanging out and talking. Cooking a simple meal or getting some takeaway. My Mum would walk me through her garden showing me all that was growing or talk about books and other things. Me and my Dad would talk about cars or fishing. I guess I saw them as people with their own interests, not just someone to do things for me.

Naunet · 27/05/2021 12:57

The guy takes his washing to his mum's, so what ? Does she live alone? Perhaps it gives her a purpose knowing she is helping him?

Jesus Christ 🙄

quizqueen · 27/05/2021 12:57

This is telling you the sort of person he is. Does he expect his dad to do his washing or just his mum? If he has no washing machine then he buys one. If he doesn't have space for a washing machine then he pays to have his laundry done or he takes it to the laundrette or he goes to his mum's and does his washing himself and provides his own washing powder etc. and also buys her something to compensate for the use of electricity and water. His family have brought up a man child and that doesn't bode well as you know full well.

MsSquiz · 27/05/2021 12:57

When DH and I first starting dating (mid 20s) he would take his washing to his mum's on a Thursday, play football and then go back to hers for his tea. He would then go for lunch on a Sunday and collect his washed and ironed laundry.

This continued for the first few months after I moved in, until I pointed out how weird it was that he took his laundry to his mums and I did my own using his washing machine and iron!

She claimed she "liked to do it" but it was definitely a way of ensuring he visited her at least twice a week, as not long after he stopped, he also stopped going every Sunday for lunch and she made a dig about how she used to see him every Sunday but now it was hit and miss... I laughed

Shadedog · 27/05/2021 12:58

Friends DP did this when they first met. He’d go round to her house every morning and pick up a clean, ironed uniform and a packed lunch. Friend moved in with him and it continued for a bit then fizzled out. 10 years on and friend does everything around the house. If he needs to cook then it’s takeaways. He’s quite a bit older than her and I think they are one of those couples where she has matured beyond him.

Anordinarymum · 27/05/2021 12:59

@Naunet

The guy takes his washing to his mum's, so what ? Does she live alone? Perhaps it gives her a purpose knowing she is helping him?

Jesus Christ 🙄

Please do not bring Jesus into this. The thread is entirely bad enough without religion brought in to bolster things along :)

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