Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doing adult son's washing- would this turn you off?

404 replies

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:29

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry.
I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK.
I mean his MUM.
I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 27/05/2021 11:55

My brother did this for years, probably until his very late 20s. He moved 100 miles away and brought his washing home every fortnight and stayed over. Every time he came home he had 10 work shirts, 14 t-shirts etc all on the washing line and he would buy my mum a takeaway for doing it.

He wasn't a manchild. Left home at 18, managed his own home, cooking, got himself through uni, maintained his own car, had a responsible job/career, good social life, very hand with DIY fitting his own kitchen/tiling/bathroom/electrics etc all with no support from my very hands off parents.

The washing thing was just a way he and my mum kept connected. She was a very traditional SAHM/wife to 5 kids and it (sadly) was a thing of hers to wash and line dry everything. She wanted to do something for him and she got her takeaway in return. He was more than capable of doing it himself and would if he needed anything between visits. She used to tell me to bring my washing over too, especially after ds was born, but I never took her up on it as it was more hassle the hang about hers for hours while it line dried than do myself!

It wouldn't bother me if the washing was the only issue.

Flossie44 · 27/05/2021 11:55

An ex used to have his mum come in once a week, clean his house, change bedding and do all his washing and ironing in that time too!!
Was a real turn off. And I got quite cross with the mum as felt She was bringing up a complete knob!

Standrewsschool · 27/05/2021 11:57

The thing that bothers me in this situation is that he hasn’t learnt to do it himself. Why doesn’t he wash his own clothes. Is he still a mummy’s boy, or does he think this is ‘woman’s work’? What’s he like on other housekeeping duties - does he clean the house, cook, etc? If it’s just an excuse to visit his mum, fair enough, but if it because he can’t be bothered/mummy’s boy/woman’s work etc, then run.

Sittingonabench · 27/05/2021 11:58

Yes this would be a deal breaker for me- a red flag for co-dependency issues... does she need to be needed, is he genuinely hopeless or enabling her or genuinely going with the easiest route- none of these are glowing traits I would want in a partner and suggest further down the line there will be issues as to his time, energy and ultimately whether he would put your needs/potential dc needs on a par with his mother or whether her needs would come first so he ‘doesn’t want to upset her’. Seen that so many times on here. Save yourself the hassle and and heartbreak and get out while the going is good and you have positive feelings about him

Somersetlady · 27/05/2021 12:01

If you really like the guy @Larkstongues tell him!

I really like you but the whole mummy doing your washing isn’t very sexy. After all shes been facilitating/encouraging this behaviour for 40 years maybe he just needs it pointing out how unattractive it is in a grown man!?

I have a mil who things i am ‘hard’ on my DS4 and DS6 because they have to do chores. (Just emptying dishwasher, some light hoovering, sorting washing etc. ) she did DH washing at uni he bought it home every weekend.

This was 20 years ago i met him he told me he thought is was a big negative to not know how to cook or do his own washing and he was too embarrassed to ask at uni.

He does all his own now - although neither of us like ironing and I would love to drop it round to MIL😂😂😂

Lemonwoe · 27/05/2021 12:02

For context, I have a 5 year old son who can fill a basket with the correct coloured clothes, load the machine with them and switch the machine on (alas, he cannot out the liquid in the machine as it’s at his eye level, so I still so this for him)

YanTanTethera123 · 27/05/2021 12:04

I do think that there are mums who like or need to feel needed, it fulfillls something for them. So long as it’s not a coercive situation I don’t see anything wrong with it.
Surely if the mum doesn’t want to do it then she’d say so? I am quite happy to my DCs washing if they’re visiting and I would be equally happy if it were regular.
That doesn’t mean that my DCs don’t know how to do their laundry!
I am, however, retired and I suspect that puts a different perspective on it.

Naunet · 27/05/2021 12:09

I do think that there are mums who like or need to feel needed, it fulfillls something for them. So long as it’s not a coercive situation I don’t see anything wrong with it

Yes because behaving like a domestic appliance makes them feel needed. How sad is that for them? No self worth outside of cleaning and washing. Should their own children really be encouraging that? Or should they maybe, instead of dropping their dirty pants round to mum, offer to take her out for a coffee once a week, or a painting class or something like that?

HunkyPunk · 27/05/2021 12:09

This thread reminds me of 'Take Me Out', where the slightest whiff of a grown man stilll liking the company of his Mum, seems to result in a flurry of extinguished lights! Poor guy. It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me unless it was part of a pattern of dependent behaviour. It doesn't sound as though you know him well enough yet to have established that. I think you should give him a chance!

Naunet · 27/05/2021 12:13

This thread reminds me of 'Take Me Out', where the slightest whiff of a grown man stilll liking the company of his Mum

Since when was having someone wash your pants considered “enjoying their company”?!!!

burnoutbabe · 27/05/2021 12:14

Ironing shirts I'd accept.

Washing pants less so!

cookiecreampie · 27/05/2021 12:18

I knew a guy like this. His mum did his washing and he went round for tea three nights a week. The tea thing is probably normal now and again but this was set in stone. He's 40 and never had a relationship lasting over 6 months.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 12:18

100% yes, it would turn me off. Working FT does not prevent someone doing their own washing. Surely taking it round there takes just as long as doing it himself?

If he genuinely doesn't have time, he should get a cleaner in who does laundry. Reliance on his mum is weird at that age, and very off putting.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 12:19

@Naunet

This thread reminds me of 'Take Me Out', where the slightest whiff of a grown man stilll liking the company of his Mum

Since when was having someone wash your pants considered “enjoying their company”?!!!

Exactly!

I like my dad's company, but I don't demand that he comes round and does my household chores for me. Instead I visit him or invite him round for tea like a normal person.

Serena1977 · 27/05/2021 12:21

When I met my now dh, he was 34. He lived alone and didnt have a machine. My dh couldn't afford a water point installed or the actually machine because he wanted to get on the housing ladder and the mortgage was high. She also did his ironing and dropped it off when she took him shopping to the supermarket. Couldn't afford a car either.

Didnt put me off, I saw the whole of him ot just who did his laundry.

My mum did my washing and ironing too because I lived in a rented bedsit with no room for a machine.

When I moved in, we put our wages together and were able to afford it.

It all depends on the circumstances.

Family help each other. Now his mum is a lot older, we do her gardening, DIY etc

Anjo2011 · 27/05/2021 12:25

It’s a no from me.

Bbq1 · 27/05/2021 12:30

@UCOinanOCG

Does his home have a functioning washing machine that he could use? TBH when my DD and her partner visit I do their washing for them, underwear and everything. I have no idea why this might be weird or skanky.
I agree. I don't see it as weird or skanky. The ds may not have access to a machine or maybe his mum wants to do it and it's more for her benefit. Can't judge without knowing their relationship. It wouldn't personally bother me. There are bigger things to be concerned about.
KevinTheGoat · 27/05/2021 12:31

Yes, it would. I'd think 'manchild' or 'lazy'. If he's capable, and he has access to a washing machine or a launderette, he should be doing it himself.

viques · 27/05/2021 12:32

@Wantubackforgood

I wouldn't have a problem with this .If his mum has the time perhaps she likes doing it and knows she gets to see him at least once a week .
If that is the case it doesn’t say much for him does it, if the only reason he goes round once a week is to drop off last weeks washing and pick up the clean and ironed stuff. What happened to going round to see his mum to do stuff for her, like mow the lawn, wash her car, take the bins out, do a bit of diy, or just sit down and chat.
JediGnot · 27/05/2021 12:32

@Naunet

I do think that there are mums who like or need to feel needed, it fulfillls something for them. So long as it’s not a coercive situation I don’t see anything wrong with it

Yes because behaving like a domestic appliance makes them feel needed. How sad is that for them? No self worth outside of cleaning and washing. Should their own children really be encouraging that? Or should they maybe, instead of dropping their dirty pants round to mum, offer to take her out for a coffee once a week, or a painting class or something like that?

This.
contrary13 · 27/05/2021 12:33

Yes, it'd turn me completely "off" him and any relationship with him.

My 16-year-old son has been doing his own washing for the last few years - something completely unprompted by me - and I can't see myself agreeing to take on that task again. Even though I'm his mother. In comparison, his father was 30 and having his washing done by my ex-MIL. He lived with his parents, though, so perhaps that makes a difference - but our son lives with me, and manages to work the washing machine/hang clothes out to dry... It's hardly rocket science, after all! But if a then 13-year-old can figure it out, and a grown man can't... what's wrong with the man, I wonder?!

It might simply be a case of enablement on the part of his -mother- parents. My daughter's boyfriend (26) has a mother who enables him in every way possible - despite there being nothing "wrong" with him (and he is a nice lad, really, simply spoiled by his mother's pandering to his every need...). It's been made very clear, though, that they expect my daughter to take over when the mother cannot perform her daily enabling tasks - and they seem flummoxed by the fact that she refuses point blank to do so.

I'd be very wary of the possibility that the man involved would be looking to replace his washer-woman of a mother with me, if I found myself in that sort of a relationship. Because, at some point, the mother is going to get too old to wash his dirty undies and sweaty socks for him - and the poor lamb won't know what to do... Hmm

wingsofsteel · 27/05/2021 12:34

I had an ex who's mum did all his washing and ironing. He had his own place with a fully functioning washing machine, dryer and iron but she used to let herself in every few days to collect washing from his wash basket and put all his clean clothes away for him. It should have made me run for the hills- he was a total arse with no respect for women.

This was not a case of spending time with his mum/helping eachother out etc- she just made his dirty washing disappear whist he was at work and clean clothes re-appear in his wardrobe.

DandelionRose · 27/05/2021 12:35

I would question it, definitely. It's not so much just the washing. It's whether either of them could or would step back if the man's romantic relationships turn serious. I've dated a man like this and when I asked if his DM really needed to strip and wash the bedding that we slept on together, he treated me like I was mad for suggesting she shouldn't, it's what a close family does for each other, I was jealous of his DM and just because my DM didn't wash my bedding for me didn't mean nobody else's mum could for their adult DCs, etc etc etc...

Diamondnights · 27/05/2021 12:36

I think it COULD be fine (families develop their own little traditions and ways of doing things) IF he does lots for his Mum and is generally an ace son.

If not, then ... Shock

SoupDragon · 27/05/2021 12:38

I think it's a bit weird to take it round to his mothers so she can do it.

I mean, I wash adult DS's but that's because he lives at home and
I bung everyone's at once. No ironing though 😂

Swipe left for the next trending thread