Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doing adult son's washing- would this turn you off?

404 replies

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:29

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry.
I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK.
I mean his MUM.
I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

OP posts:
LondonMiss · 27/05/2021 13:51

Grin it didn’t really bother me, DPs mum has always done his washing, she likes to feel like she’s helping him and it means she gets to see him

SpeakingFranglais · 27/05/2021 13:51

No way, I haven’t see a worn pair of DS’s undies since he left home at 25. When he went he took everything with him, everything. And nothing is coming back clean or dirty.

Naunet · 27/05/2021 13:53

it didn’t really bother me, DPs mum has always done his washing, she likes to feel like she’s helping him and it means she gets to see him

If she likes to see him, why doesn’t he take her out for lunch once a week, rather than giving her his dirty pants to wash?

CharityDingle · 27/05/2021 13:58

It wouldn't impress me, OP. I wonder would he expect to continue doing it or for you to take over, if the relationship continues.

On a slightly related note, I left a Facebook group recently, because of all of the apparently incompetent husbands and partners mentioned on it. They are incapable of doing the most basic of things around the house, 'don't see mess', see it as the norm for them to leave stuff lying around for the 'maid' to pick up... and so on.

In one case, a husband was not impressed when the slave hadn't immediately tidied up the mess he created. Another was at the end of her tether with all she had to do, but pathetically grateful that her husband 'helped' by bringing their child to school Hmm

Naunet · 27/05/2021 14:01

@CharityDingle

It wouldn't impress me, OP. I wonder would he expect to continue doing it or for you to take over, if the relationship continues.

On a slightly related note, I left a Facebook group recently, because of all of the apparently incompetent husbands and partners mentioned on it. They are incapable of doing the most basic of things around the house, 'don't see mess', see it as the norm for them to leave stuff lying around for the 'maid' to pick up... and so on.

In one case, a husband was not impressed when the slave hadn't immediately tidied up the mess he created. Another was at the end of her tether with all she had to do, but pathetically grateful that her husband 'helped' by bringing their child to school Hmm

Ugh. It’s like feminism never happened. Too many women seem content playing a supporting role to a man, it starts to make me wonder if we actually are inferior to men.
C152 · 27/05/2021 14:08

Anything that suggests 'man child' - which, getting his mum to do his laundry certainly does - would be a deal breaker for me.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 14:10

@LondonMiss

Grin it didn’t really bother me, DPs mum has always done his washing, she likes to feel like she’s helping him and it means she gets to see him
I will never cease to be amazed at the low standards some women have.

Please tell me you're not planning to move in with or have kids with this guy? No-one can say you didn't have ample warning....

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 14:13

@BinocularVision

There is a direct correlation between some of the 'Oh, it's fine' responses to this and the preponderance of lazy, strategically incompetent men who feature on the Relationships forum.
Yes! All these people who turn a blind eye and make excuses for lazy men, and are then shocked, shocked(!), when the guy still doesn't pick up after himself after 40 years of being facilitated by the women in his life. You make a rod for your own back when you put up with this stuff.
FuckyouCovid21 · 27/05/2021 14:15

When I first got together with my now ex, his sister was shocked that I didn't get up to make him a hot drink to take with him to work...at 4.00 in the morning.

MargosKaftan · 27/05/2021 14:20

Honestly, it doesn't matter why thr mother is prepared to do it, what matters is why he does.

He has a washing machine and the time to do his own washing, so why doesn't he?

Is he incapable? Does he think its complex? Why hasnt he tried to learn?

Is it hes too lazy?

Does he want to save water and electricity and prefer to put the costs on his parents than his bill?

It is that he feels its woman's work? (Run)

I genuinely can't think of a good reason for a man with basic intelligence, who owns a working washing machine to not just do it himself. Wanting to see his mum is not a good reason, he could pop over anyway. Does he only give affection and attention to people who do stuff for him? Does he see relationships as transactional?

This isn't the same situation as someone who doesn't own a washing machine or a student who has to pay to use machines, hes ready got one.

MargosKaftan · 27/05/2021 14:24

And yes- can we all book mark this thread - every now and then there's one about how some woman are "lucky" to have a great DH, and how others are unlucky to end up with someone shit.

This is a very clear sign he is one of the shit ones. I bet those of us saying "nope" are in the "lucky" category- because we wouldn't let someone like this get past the dating stage.

Some people should just be single. This man is one of them. He's going to make someone a terrible husband. He's already a bad son.

Proudboomer · 27/05/2021 14:32

When I met my husband he was in his 30’s, lived at home and his mum did everything for him. Cooking, laundry, changing his bed the lot.
But when we got together he did his fair share of everything including childcare. The only thing he never touched was the garden as gardening is my hobby.
His mum only did everything as she was at home all day and he worked.when we got together and we were both working he did his share.
Now I am at home all day so I do their laundry but I don’t do any of the other stuff and they are perfectly capable of working the washing machine. In fact they did all my laundry and all household chores for 4 months whilst I was laid up with a broken leg.

Proudboomer · 27/05/2021 14:33

Their meaning my adult sons

OrangePowder · 27/05/2021 14:36

I suppose if he was paying her and using it as a reason to support her a bit, if she needed it, that might be OK, but yes on the face of it, it would concern me.

My dad helps me a lot though (I'm 50) with things on the car and house and that's OK. A double standard?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 14:42

Do the things on your car and house need doing every week, week in, week out? Or are they one-offs?

Do they require special skills, and tools that you don't own?

Laundry is not the same as DIY.

Laydeechez · 27/05/2021 14:44

@QioiioiioQ

He doesn’t even say Thankyou when she makes him food.

I can’t imagine him caring for anyone!

EdgeOfACoin · 27/05/2021 14:46

So many posters saying 'at least she gets to see her son'.

Honestly, if my adult son would only visit me if I did his washing for him, I'm not sure that our relationship would be built on a solid foundation!

Spidey66 · 27/05/2021 14:47

Fair enough if, for example the adult son lives at home, mum is putting a wash on, and puts some of son's clothes in to make a load. Odd otherwise.

ILoveShula · 27/05/2021 14:49

Same as @EdgeOfACoin.

IME, the sort of men who have this sort of relationship with their mothers are best left alone.

BogRollBOGOF · 27/05/2021 14:49

The difficulty with a mum doing routine chores for an adult son is that very often he'll just swap the dynamic of mummy doing it to the wife doing it and never actually fend for himself. It's much rarer in a mother-daughter dynamic, and cliché "dad jobs" tend to be more sporadic.

When I went back home for a year, I used to bring my washing up to (now) DH's because he had a better set up with tumble dryer and DM was annoyingly precious over the washer and it was just easier that way. But I was washing it myself and just using the facility. A big difference to offloading it onto someone else.
Hiring a professional is also different because it puts a value on the work being done and there is a level of responsiblity being applied in recruiting someone rather than feeling entitled for them to do it for free for you.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 14:49

I do all my own DIY to be fair, but I do ask my dad for advice because he used to do a manual job and often has really good knowledge of how to fix things. Recently I've been doing a lot of carpentry, and it's a real skill to do well. I've had to buy special tools, learn how to use them, and work really carefully in order to get a reasonable finish.

If I wanted a really good finish I would definitely hire a professional, and I would see no shame in anyone (male or female) deciding that they didn't have the time/tools/skills to do a complex DIY job and asking for (or purchasing) help.

It's a million miles away from bunging some clothes in the wash, and then hanging them out. I've been able to do that since I was about 10.

WhatsappRicky · 27/05/2021 14:53

Yeah 100%. I went on a few dates with a lad I met in town and by total coincidence it turns out his mum was the cleaner in my office. It wasn’t anything serious but we were chatting one day and she mentioned him coming around with his washing and she prepped ALL his means and dropped them around. Literally every meal. I had no idea. I was already thinking in my
Head that I was going end things later when she started telling me a lovely story about a time the previous year when he’d gotten back from holiday and Dropped his suitcase in for her to wash. She’d started emptying it and found a pair of pants covered in shit where he’d had some kind of beer induced accident. Rather than throwing them in a bin like a normal person he’d just slung them into his suitcase with the rest of his stuff for his poor mother to deal with. She was telling me this in an ‘aww what a shame he must have been so embarrassed’ kind of way.

I texted him later, blocked his number and avoided her like the plague. Weirdos

WhatsappRicky · 27/05/2021 14:53

Meals not means

user1497787065 · 27/05/2021 14:55

I can't believe how many people think this is awful. If his mum is happy and has the time to do her son's laundry why not?

ineedaholidaynow · 27/05/2021 14:57

Exactly @EdgeOfACoin.

Also if they want to feel useful or need to fill their time, I am sure there are better things to do than wash your adult son's pants