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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:
CosmicComfort · 27/05/2021 09:03

No, won’t be expected or possible.

My parents have benefitted from low house prices and extremely good pensions. They are much better off than we will ever be. What I do know though is they would use their savings and downsize or sell up if they needed a lot of care or residential care and there wouldn’t be inheritance. Not worried about that at all.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 27/05/2021 09:04

I don't expect to, no. My parents own their home & have a holiday house which would release a decent chunk of money if needed, but also have savings in addition to decent private pensions which would cover a better than average full time care home.

They are very paranoid about care costs and determined that it should be their financial responsibility and have done as much as they can to try to ensure they have the money in place to meet their own costs.

That said, DH and I are not short of money and if there was a shortfall I would happily top up what my parents have to ensure they got decent care.

riotlady · 27/05/2021 09:04

My parents are much more well off than we are or are ever likely to be, so no.

My FIL currently manages very well on his low income but he’s only 60, so although we don’t save specifically to support him, we do sort of have half an eye on maybe needing to help him out in the future if we can.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/05/2021 09:04

@OppsUpsSide, it’s precisely because of my experience of caring for elderly relatives with dementia, that I would never, ever, want or expect my dds to do the same for me.

There is an added section to that effect in my Health and Welfare Lasting Power of Attorney.
Dh feels, and has done, the same.
Luckily there should be sufficient funds to pay for whatever care may (God forbid) be needed.

Smartiepants79 · 27/05/2021 09:05

Hmm, financially, no I don’t think we will specifically budget for it.
My parents I know for sure have made sure that the money will be there if needed. They’ve been lucky enough to be able to plan for that. If money was needed though I think we’d do our best to help.
Time wise, then yes. My family would be ok with a good care home but making sure they are safe and cared for when needed is something I see as my responsibility. I give up my time right now to help my mother with my grandmother.

OhRene · 27/05/2021 09:05

Ha! No. Maybe me didn't budget for me as a kid, I won't be supporting her. She's an adult.

OhRene · 27/05/2021 09:05

mine didnt*

Pleasegodgotosleep · 27/05/2021 09:06

I will help my dm as she will struggle. She couldn't work when we were kids as my ds has a serious illness. When ds was more stable and dm could have worked dm became and remains ill with a heart condition. Df was a very high earner who told her everything would be fine and a significant inheritance would cover their retirement but he buggered off with ow leaving dm with very little. We currently pay her for childminding a few hours a week after school but will continue to do this when the kids are up and away.

shivawn · 27/05/2021 09:06

No not specifically but I would help if needed. My parents are pretty good at investing for their own futures though.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 09:07

I think the bottom line here is not whether you are the parent or the child, but that, if you have family members you love, you help them if they need it and you are able to. Whether it is parents helping children or children helping parents. I have been surprised by some of the attitudes on these kind of threads: no, they are adults, they are on their own, not my responsibility etc...

Of course it is different if the family members are/were abuisve, selfish, horrible etc etc

MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers · 27/05/2021 09:11

Both my parents have died and we only have MIL to think about. She's in her 90s and comfortably off. If she needed financial help, we'd do what we could ( and would have done so for my parents) but we're not exactly flush ourselves.

Hoppinggreen · 27/05/2021 09:15

No, never occurred to me to.
If I could afford it and my Mum needed anything I would help but I have no plans to make a regular contribution

CatsPyjama · 27/05/2021 09:15

No, they’re much better off than we are. We couldn’t afford it anyway.

HarrietHairbrush · 27/05/2021 09:15

Nope

Billandben444 · 27/05/2021 09:17

@ThursdayWeld
It wasn't aimed at you but if it hit a nerve and a bit of profanity makes you feel better, crack on and, as you've no idea what any of us have to put up with either, you can put your judgy pants away as well

jay55 · 27/05/2021 09:18

No, there's no need, my dad is mortgage free with a great civil service pension and a funeral plan.

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 09:18

@purplecrane I totally agree. But does explain why some grandparents are unwilling to help with grandchildren if that is the general ethos of the family.
I have never needed financial help from my family and they are not wealthy. But whenever things have been tight my mum has always reminded me that she can help. She has also done things like sent gift cards for supermarkets - I guess as she knows things have to be desperate before I ask for help.
I would always do the same for her. Why would you not help each other out?
And sure my parents could have saved more money at times and didn't, but they have hardly been wasting their money snorting coke. Just going out for pub lunches and holidays. Basically having a nice time.
I really do not understand people on MN. But then I am not very well off like many on here. Maybe it is different amongst the middle-classes? Parents expected to help adult children but there is no help for older parents? Amongst my friends, everyone helps parents out or vice versa unless their parents were abusive.

GreyStep · 27/05/2021 09:18

Nope

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 27/05/2021 09:21

Care homes eat up people’s savings and assets at frightening speed. If you have to rely on state-funded care, you have very little choice and I have heard too many reports of underfunded and inadequate care.

We haven’t set aside a specific budget, but would expect to support parents if it became necessary. Main problem is PIL’s other children spending all PIL’s money as fast as they can.

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 27/05/2021 09:21

Both our dads have excellent pensions and own their flats so I doubt we would be needed for general expenses

We certainly don’t budget for potential care home fees as they would pay for that initially

If they needed money we could probably give them a certain amount but not endlessly

I will admit that friends of ours who have a similar income and lifestyle have been asked for 20k from a parent to buy a place closer to them...the parent lives in a cheap area and the children in a more expensive area, and our friends have refused which surprised me

But each to their own

RaiseTheBeastie · 27/05/2021 09:22

My grandmother’s care home is £2000 per week! Once her money runs out from house sale then the state will fund her place

Sorry but they definitely won't. She'd have to move to a council run home or a far cheaper private one - the local council will have a list. I'd imagine it won't be nearly as nice as somewhere costing £2k a week.

If this isn't realised within your family or by your grandmother then I'd definitely raise it to avoid any nasty shocks.

MrsPerfect12 · 27/05/2021 09:22

No, we don't save for either of our parents and I certainly wouldn't burden my children with the expecting that they save for my retirement or my extensive care. I will of course help when the time comes but not to the point it takes away my life.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 09:25

Because I am white British and very much middle class, I am probably quite an anomaly in supporting my parents. My parents happen to be spectactularly bad at financial planning, and have literally absolutely nothing whatsoever in place for their old age. But they did happen to be spectacularly good at "purplecrane" planning, and poured everything they had (not just money but huge effort too) into my education/upbringing. I guess if I had later shrugged off my career opportunities and run off to join the circus they would have been stuffed now. But that's not how it went.

abacusnights · 27/05/2021 09:25

No. My dad died before he needed care and my mum ended up in a care home (paid by local authority) with early onset dementia. There is no way I could have paid for the fees for that and I don't need to as the state is. You'd have to be pretty wealthy to afford to support your parents financially as well as your own family.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 27/05/2021 09:26

I have been surprised by some of the attitudes on these kind of threads: “no, they are adults, they are on their own, not my responsibility” etc.

Me too. We’ve helped out family members, and been helped, financially or in other ways. This lack of care for mums (and dads) surprises me a bit on Mumsnet.

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