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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:
Tulipomania · 27/05/2021 08:44

If they needed my support financially then I would give as much as I could afford. They helped me out when I was young, and shelled out a huge amount of money for my education.

However I', pretty confident they will be able to support themselves as they live in a large house without a mortgage.

Billandben444 · 27/05/2021 08:45

@Mrgrinch
I'd give up whatever I needed to, to care for my parents if they needed it.

At last, a bit of compassion 💐

Ontheroadtorecovery · 27/05/2021 08:45

Just to mention the 3rd party top ups are not allowed by law to be paid by the person that is in the home. He would have to wait until his money was under 23,250 to be eligible for LA funded care but then they would take his contribution based mainly on his income and the notional interest on capital over 14, 250. So he could well be able to afford to top up himself just not allowed 🤷‍♀️

ThursdayWeld · 27/05/2021 08:45

@OppsUpsSide

Fuck me these responses are harsh, hope these same people aren’t expecting an inheritance. In honesty, no I haven’t, cos they’re loaded. But if something happened I would absolutely move hell and earth to see them right and they will never be binned off in a home. I wonder what sort of relationship and expectations pp’s have of their own kids.
You clearly have very little experience of the reality of ageing parents.

Maybe stop with the judgemental attitude until you do, @OppsUpsSide?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/05/2021 08:45

If o came into money now - lottery win realistically - I'd make sure my parents and MIL were both ok financially, and if I had a really well paid job and I knew they were on a basic pension I'd make sure they had enough to be comfortable. But in reality we just don't have the money

ThursdayWeld · 27/05/2021 08:46

[quote Billandben444]@Mrgrinch
I'd give up whatever I needed to, to care for my parents if they needed it.

At last, a bit of compassion 💐[/quote]
Oh f*ck off with your "bit of compassion" Hmm

Many of us have had to deal with realities that you obviously can't imagine.

m0therofdragons · 27/05/2021 08:47

No, but at the moment they pay when we go out for meals so that might shift when dc leave home and my parents are older. They’re mortgage free with decent pensions.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 08:48

Yes. My parents are in fact right now (due to the pandemic) completely fiancially dependant on me. I have posted about this before under this username and got some odd replies imo. In many countries/cultures it is the norm for the next generation to support the parents in their old age. The fact that I am white British and yet do this seemed incomprehensible to many.

My parents scrimped and saved to educate me and the consequence is that I am a high earner. They have no income right now. That is a no brainer. But the actual question asked by the PP is whether I planned/budgeted to support them. The anser is yes. I have paid their private health insurance for over twenty yeears (they would both probably be dead if I hadn't) and now I support them fully My father is nearly 80 and I cannot see him going back to running his business after the pandemic eases. So this state of affairs is probably for the rest of their lives.

Tulipomania · 27/05/2021 08:48

We helped out the PILs when they were still alive occasionally too when they had a few bills they couldn't pay. MIL repayed us before she died by giving me her old fur coat Blush and some jewellery.

cupsofcoffee · 27/05/2021 08:49

No.

My parents have more money than I do!

JustPoppingToWaitrose · 27/05/2021 08:49

God no! We would never be in that position. No savings, no pension, never got on the property ladder. We can’t even afford to support ourselves.

Fr0thandBubble · 27/05/2021 08:50

God no. Especially given the disparity between cost of living between the boomer generation and our generation.

And, on the other side of the coin, I’d die before I let my children take care of me in my old age.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 08:50

And yes, like some other pp have pointed out, there are countries with no state aid/benefits/state pension/proper NHS etc. My parents live in such a country.

xyzandabc · 27/05/2021 08:51

Definitely not. We are comfortable but both parents and in laws are far better off than we are and probably ever will be.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/05/2021 08:51

[quote Billandben444]@Mrgrinch
I'd give up whatever I needed to, to care for my parents if they needed it.

At last, a bit of compassion 💐[/quote]
It's got nothing to do with compassion. Would I see my parents or MIL go hungry or without basics? No,but that kind of crisis situation is something that would have to be dealt with as it arose because we can't afford to set aside thousands in case something happens. They're all responsible for covering their own costs just like I am and I wouldn't have my children going without to set up a contingency fund for their grandparents. Neither would they want me to. My first responsibility is to my kids. But in a crisis or an emergency we'd do what needed to be done

m0therofdragons · 27/05/2021 08:52

My grandmother’s care home is £2000 per week! Once her money runs out from house sale then the state will fund her place so how would me paying be anything other than causing myself financial hardship. I’m comfortably off but don’t have £8k per month available. I doubt there will be any inheritance left - she’s devastated and wants to die as her quality of life is so limited and there was £2.5 million she wanted shared amongst family that’s instead gone on care that others get for free. (Family isn’t worried about the money and the main thing is she is getting the right care but she’s openly spoken about wanting to leave a financial legacy for the family and being saddened she can’t).

LigPatin · 27/05/2021 08:52

Interesting question.

My Mum sacrificed a lot for me (struggling single parent) and whilst she made a lot of mistakes, she did what she thought was best with what she had.

As an adult I have helped her out financially to quite a high degree and will continue to do so if and when it's needed, and if I'm able to.

My Father is a fuckwit of enormous measures, he made my childhood a misery and has never provided support, emotional or practical, through my entire life.
He will never get anything from me, as far as I'm concerned he isn't my parent - he certainly has never behaved like one. (Fortunately for him he's a millionaire, so I doubt he'd ever need me anyway)

I don't believe people are automatically obligated to help their parents just because they gave related - as callous as it sounds... Life is very tit for tat - if your parents helped you, you should help them.
If your parents didn't look after you, well... There are many other charities to donate to.

Of course, whether or not your parents "deserve" your help is entirely subjective

LigPatin · 27/05/2021 08:53

@m0therofdragons

My grandmother’s care home is £2000 per week! Once her money runs out from house sale then the state will fund her place so how would me paying be anything other than causing myself financial hardship. I’m comfortably off but don’t have £8k per month available. I doubt there will be any inheritance left - she’s devastated and wants to die as her quality of life is so limited and there was £2.5 million she wanted shared amongst family that’s instead gone on care that others get for free. (Family isn’t worried about the money and the main thing is she is getting the right care but she’s openly spoken about wanting to leave a financial legacy for the family and being saddened she can’t).
Good Lord, totally off topic but is care really that expensive? Does she have extra provisions that raise the cost to £2k weekly? £1k a week I can get my head around (sort of), but £2k is insane
OrangePowder · 27/05/2021 08:53

@m0therofdragons

My grandmother’s care home is £2000 per week! Once her money runs out from house sale then the state will fund her place so how would me paying be anything other than causing myself financial hardship. I’m comfortably off but don’t have £8k per month available. I doubt there will be any inheritance left - she’s devastated and wants to die as her quality of life is so limited and there was £2.5 million she wanted shared amongst family that’s instead gone on care that others get for free. (Family isn’t worried about the money and the main thing is she is getting the right care but she’s openly spoken about wanting to leave a financial legacy for the family and being saddened she can’t).
The state won't pay £2000 pw (not in England anyway), so once her money runs out she'll either have to move somewhere cheaper or be supported by family.
honeybuns007 · 27/05/2021 08:56

I think it depends. I am shocked at how people in the west are so ruthlessly I devoted to their parents but maybe that's due to the way they were brought up. In many other cultures, parent scrimp and spend every penny on securing their children the best they can. The best education, college funds, cultural enrichment etc so it would be absolutely right to use the money you now earn due to their investment in you to look after them. It's a cycle. But I guess if your parents dragged you up, gave no shits about you and your future then it would be more reasonable to not support them back so much. Still, living my mum as much as I do, I couldn't live happily knowing she or anyone else I cared for was struggling. It's not possible for me. It's like the saying 'you are only as happy as your least happy child' but include in that your parents.

honeybuns007 · 27/05/2021 08:57

*UNdevoted!! Not I devoted.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 08:58

@honeybuns007
Exactly so. That is the case for me too.

LondonJax · 27/05/2021 09:00

OK @OppsUpsSide I'll bite with your 'binning your parents into a care home' idea. Here's our story (shortened or you'll be here all day).

Mum developed Alzheimer's 6 years before she died. She was living in sheltered accommodation so had her own flat but with a communal area and warden on patrol.

We started off helping her with her shopping, then the cleaning as she forgot to change beds, clean toilets, wipe down surface in the kitchen. We got a cleaner (thanks to attendance allowance) which took some pressure off. Imagine going into your parent's home and finding a dirty loo and the kitchen surfaces sticky with tea/food etc., Short of going in every day you need a cleaner.

Then she started calling at 3am to say her diabetic nurse hadn't been (she used to come at 3pm but dementia often takes away the fact that there are 2 x 3 o'clock each day).

She had a heart condition, diabetes and kidney problems so one year I covered 27 separate appointments - on top of her dementia help.

She started having falls and ended up in hospital on a number of occasions. On one occasion she was on her kitchen floor from 9pm until 6am as she left her pendant alarm off!

We got her moved to an extra care facility - same as sheltered but with carers on site. They took over her medicine regime as she'd started taking warfarin and we found she'd left some in her poppet pill box or (worse) she'd taken two lots (plus) in one day as she'd forgotten what day it was. Even if we called her (four times a day) to remind her to take a tablet, she'd forget on her way to the tablet box or would remember twice and take two days worth.

Then, a few years ago, we discovered her putting her dinner in the oven at 9am. The carer would get her breakfast and do her dinner but would find meals 'missing' (she'd cooked them just after breakfast). As a diabetic she needed regular meals, not breakfast immediately followed by dinner and then a gap til a sandwich at lunch time. We then got the equivalent of meals on wheels for her so she didn't have to worry about cooking and there wouldn't be food in the fridge to cook. The carer would do breakfast and make her a sandwich in the evening as she had her hot meal delivered mid day.

The 3am calls continued then she took to wandering and was found heading for the main doors in her flats by a carer - it was 4.30am and a main road was outside...

Then she had a massive collapse. I was there and she literally couldn't move her feet. I got her to the floor, ambulance arrived and she never went back.

She was assessed in hospital as needing respite care but the respite people said she needed 24/7 care as she was, by then, tripping up regularly. She then began to lose control of her bowels but would try to clean herself up - with bare hands...(often happens with Alzheimer's).

So a decision was made to find a care home and she moved into one. The change was amazing. She had company, 3 regular meals plus snacks. They put her on a diabetic safe diet so her diabetes came back under control. She had a number of falls but instead of me having to rush round to her flat they called paramedics or got her back to bed as they were trained to assess her. When I was getting calls for falls I would either be leaving DS who was at junior school with DH who would have to call into work to say he'd be late so he could get DS to school or, on more than one occasion, I had to leave DS to be picked up from school by a friend as DH was working 600 plus miles away at one time. He'd have to fly home as I'd often be in A&E for 12 hours plus then on a ward trying to settle her.

When mum was in the care home she continued with the bowel problems (we'd often have to summon help to get her clean as she'd use her hands to wipe her bottom, smear the poo on the walls, drop it on the floor then step in it). I'm telling you this so you can see dementia doesn't always mean a lovely little old lady who can't remember certain things. It affects everything from swallowing to toileting, movement to temperament.

The care home saved my sanity and gave me a couple of precious years of actually sitting with my mum chatting over a cup of tea instead of checking medications, shopping, cleaning, laundry, hospital appointments and the dreaded phone call in the early hours.

Don't knock care homes or those who use them until you've walked in their shoes.

LondonJax · 27/05/2021 09:01

Oh, and that, as I said, was the shortened version of 6 years with Alzheimer's...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 09:02

My parents put far more than they could ever afford into my education, and that is the only reason I can support them now.

I will be in a better position when I am older (do have property, pensions etc, which my parents have none of), but I would still hope that my stepdughters, who I have raised and also poured large resources into their education, so they will also be high earners, would help me out if it was needed for some reason. (That was not the reason I educated them btw, that was because I love them and their father, but one would hope they would feel the same way I do now should push come to shove).

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