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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:
misspattylacosta · 27/05/2021 09:27

No

because my parents have budgeted for all that, they have also budgeted for their funeral and paid for their spot in the cemetery!

Which none of us asked them to do, but they want to leave us with an inheritance, no debts, and their view is that it's much easier to plan for all that when you are (relatively) young and healthy and forget about it.

So I have planned and got insurance for MY care and funeral to help my children out if something happens.

misspattylacosta · 27/05/2021 09:27

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

I have been surprised by some of the attitudes on these kind of threads: “no, they are adults, they are on their own, not my responsibility” etc.

Me too. We’ve helped out family members, and been helped, financially or in other ways. This lack of care for mums (and dads) surprises me a bit on Mumsnet.

I wonder if it's because people have a bad relationship and are resentful, or if it's people who expect free childcare and a lot of help and are just selfish.
Starlight39 · 27/05/2021 09:28

Not in money (they are well off and I'm currently not with small kids) but yes in time, I'd be prepared to give lots of my time to look after them and do whatever they needed. That's what they did for my grandparents (both sides).

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 09:29

@abacusnights yes you have to be wealthy to pay care home fees. But unless you have dementia most people do not end up in care homes paid by the state these days. Most end up with carers coming in for a maximum of 4x 15 minutes a day. This is what happened with my FIL and it was not enough. We live a long way away. So the options where either to move him and help look after him better, or pay for more carer hours. We did the latter.

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 09:31

@misspattylacosta what insurance can you take out that will pay for the care you need?

Sceptre86 · 27/05/2021 09:32

I have asked dh to as his mum is a widow and lives with bil. it won't affect our household if he gives her a £100-200 a month. Her living expenses and obviously food are taken care of but it would be nice for her to have some of her own money so she can do what she wants. We are asian though so it is quite normal for us.

VictoriaLudorum · 27/05/2021 09:33

My parents are both dead now, but were both professionals and remained higher-rate tax payers into their retirement years. They did make provision, should it have been required, but it wasn't as they both died at home of "old age".
It would never have occurred to me to "make provision" for any kind of care, except for offering to look after them (which was rejected at the time of suggestion with the comment "over our dead bodies").
Not everyone needs to go into a care home or have home visits. In fact, knowing my parents, I think if it had ever got to that stage they would have been booking one-way tickets to Zürich!

RaiseTheBeastie · 27/05/2021 09:33

No. My mum loves in a HA house and, whilst far from well off, has enough of a pension to see her right.

My sisters and I have talked about the future and what will happen if she needs help though...and have agreed that we'll each commit to going twice a week, on different days, to do her shopping, cleaning, gardening etc and enable her to stay at home. So she'd have someone there for a couple of hours nearly every day.

If she ever gets to the stage where she needed serious personal care or supervision then she'd need to go into a home.

Boomisshiss · 27/05/2021 09:34

My parents with their private and state pensions are better off than my household .

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 09:35

No state care homes or benefits where my parents live. So if the time comes when they need care I will be probably paying for a care home. It will actually cost about the same as what I pay to support them now.

LadyLolaRuben · 27/05/2021 09:35

No

Boomisshiss · 27/05/2021 09:37

@OppsUpsSide

Fuck me these responses are harsh, hope these same people aren’t expecting an inheritance. In honesty, no I haven’t, cos they’re loaded. But if something happened I would absolutely move hell and earth to see them right and they will never be binned off in a home. I wonder what sort of relationship and expectations pp’s have of their own kids.
Binned off in a home really. Maybe you are lucky to be in the financial position that you can quit your job and look after disabled parents for 24 hours a day while you have young children at home .. Disgusting thing to say
DinosaurDiana · 27/05/2021 09:40

For all those saying that their relative would just have to go into a home, can I point out through experience that you have no way of forcing this. Even with a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s and him putting himself in danger at times, my FIL has the right to remain in his home with carers twice a day.
SS have been repeatedly involved and they continue to oppose the request of the family, and support him.

ConstanceGracy · 27/05/2021 09:40

No but my dh pays his parents water bill and pays his mum money every month which I think is a bit much considering they have decent pensions and healthy savings .. not to mention the fact that his brother and sister don’t do any of that .

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 09:41

@RaiseTheBeastie

No. My mum loves in a HA house and, whilst far from well off, has enough of a pension to see her right.

My sisters and I have talked about the future and what will happen if she needs help though...and have agreed that we'll each commit to going twice a week, on different days, to do her shopping, cleaning, gardening etc and enable her to stay at home. So she'd have someone there for a couple of hours nearly every day.

If she ever gets to the stage where she needed serious personal care or supervision then she'd need to go into a home.

She won't. The state no longer pays for care homes unless someone needs a lot of care. If you just need help with things like washing and dressing, the state pays for carers to visit to do this.
Whitchurch · 27/05/2021 09:41

No. I've told Mum to enjoy "my inheritance" herself and there is no doubt that if she needs support for care etc later we'd sort it out of her assets as much as we could. Nice if you've got enough money behind you to support family members but not everyone has. My partner and I are at the stage where we're planning for what happens to us in later life - we're already retired!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/05/2021 09:43

No. Both sets of parents are of an age that they will get a full state pension, whereas we will not.

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 09:44

@DinosaurDiana

For all those saying that their relative would just have to go into a home, can I point out through experience that you have no way of forcing this. Even with a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s and him putting himself in danger at times, my FIL has the right to remain in his home with carers twice a day. SS have been repeatedly involved and they continue to oppose the request of the family, and support him.
That is tough. But yes there are many people with dementia living alone. As long as they are deemed to have the capacity, they can make their own decisions. And the threshold for being deemed not to have the capacity is very high. SS role is to facilitate the wishes of the person about their own life. Even if they think the person would be better off in a home, they are not allowed to say this.
flowerycurtain · 27/05/2021 09:47

Yes but differently to others on this thread. We work with my inlaws in a family business. The business' priority is to pay their living costs. Then our staff. Then expansion. Then us.

knittingaddict · 27/05/2021 09:47

Not a chance. We are budgeting for our own old age.

If we paid for our parents there wouldn't be enough to fund ourselves and our children would have to help us out. No way am I going to perpetuate that toxic inheritance for generations to come.

If it helps, my husband's parents are dead and mine are very elderly. None of them were/are at all well off, but aren't suffering financially and will be fine without our money.

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 09:47

@chocolatesaltyballs22

No. Both sets of parents are of an age that they will get a full state pension, whereas we will not.
Why will you not get a full state pension?
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 27/05/2021 09:49

Absolutely not.
My mother is so determined not to leave any money to me and my sister that she and dad are frittering it away on the most bonkers stuff. The only trouble is they are struggling to get the right balance between making sure they've got enough for however long without the risk of leaving any behind.

RaiseTheBeastie · 27/05/2021 09:49

If she ever gets to the stage where she needed serious personal care or supervision then she'd need to go into a home

She won't. The state no longer pays for care homes unless someone needs a lot of care. If you just need help with things like washing and dressing, the state pays for carers to visit to do this

Yes, sorry I realise that and skipped that bit out. I meant that her daughters providing full time care or her moving in with family just wouldn't be possible. So it would be carers first and if the needs were more complex, a residential facility that would be paid for by the state.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 27/05/2021 09:50

No... but this does massively worry me, if I'm honest.

My parents died when I was young, but the in-laws are in their 70s, and DH's mum in particular has got so thin and frail during lockdown that she's struggling with stairs now. It seems that they've always been outspoken about not wanting carers or a care home, but never actually said what they do want... They put DH's nan into a retirement village at 65, and then she went into a care home with dementia where they visited once a week or so, so there's no precedent for what they're expecting.

Realistically they couldn't live with us, practically we won't have the space; and we'd do what we could to provide care but they live an hour away and we've got a baby on the way and full on careers, so something would have to give. Personally I don't think I could live with them, I love them but they're the "accidentally too overbearing" type and I think we'd just all end up upset.

We tried to talk to them about it a few months ago when they changed their mind on a long-planned move we were due to make and said that we'd break their hearts if we went, but they refused to talk about it other than saying that they don't want outside help and wouldn't allow carers. Maybe they've already got a plan - they're not short of money, and they've both been retired for a pretty long time.

It is so difficult.

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 09:51

@RaiseTheBeastie that is reasonable.
i would be prepared to move my mum into my house, but not my dad.