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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:
C152 · 27/05/2021 08:15

No, as I simply can't afford it. Though I have always had in the back of my mind that if, necessary, my surviving parent might have to come and live with me at some stage.

caringcarer · 27/05/2021 08:16

My Dad died when I was 18 and my Mum could financially manage very well as comfortable. When my Mum got pancreatic cancer and given 7-8 months to live I gave up my teaching job and moved back in with her to care for her. My sisters did too. My children were older and their Step Dad could manage to care for them. I came home at weekends. Although prepared to do it for 7-8 months in the end Mum only lived 7 weeks. There was no pressure on me to do this but I did not want my Mum to end her days in a hospice. I will always be glad I did it, even though it was very hard seeing your Mum dying. I inherited a good sum from my Mum which I have been able to use to help my own children with deposits for houses and I bought a btl. It was harder for my youngest sister as she still had younger children and so she came up almost daily when kids at school and left in time to be home when they got home. I lived too far away from Mum to travel each day so lived with her. I have never felt closer to my siblings than when we were all caring for Mum.

3ismylot · 27/05/2021 08:16

For my Mum? absolutely not for my Dad? if needed to give him a decent standard of life.
I was given up for adoption as a baby and have been in contact with my Mum over a decade now and while we have a relationship she has never done anything to support me in any way, in fact if anything she has made my life more stressful and I have had to be the parent on many occasions. She is at risk of having to sell her home in the next year but I will not be assisting her financially as she has wasted money for years and not needed to be in this situation,
My Dad has been in my life only a few years (he didn't know about me until I traced him) and he has been a parent from the start, he has never supported me financially in that time (not needed as am financially stable) but I also know if I ever needed anything he would be there. I doubt he will need help but I would offer it if he did.

Myrighteyeball · 27/05/2021 08:17

For my parents, no. They expect to be able to support themselves in retirement and old age and have worked/budgeted accordingly.

For my MIL, yes. She has spent almost all her money on jewellery, clothes, international travel, maintaining a household staff, paying various expenses for relatives, paying off debts for relatives and otherwise playing Lady Bountiful. This is annoying - but she also paid for my husband's international school and uni fees and gave us a small amount of money we married so in some ways it is fair enough, and we can afford it (just about).

Pancakepipsqueak · 27/05/2021 08:18

I’d give up my time and effort to help care for them but I would expect them to financially take care of themselves.

Lulola · 27/05/2021 08:18

I couldn’t afford to. I earn more than my parents (who are divorced) but I have more outgoings - higher mortgage, car on finance etc there is very little left at the end of the month. They both rent unfortunately but they have small flats each so not as expensive, they are both in their 50s and neither put money away, I can barely afford hobbies or days out as it is - haven’t had a family holiday in 5 years but they both go away a few times a year. I wouldn’t be willing to have even less now and enjoy life less to subsidise them when they aren’t themselves.

godmum56 · 27/05/2021 08:18

@JaceLancs

I didn’t plan it But ended up paying DF 3rd party top ups Because it was the best place for him Also saved me time and fuel costs I could visit every day on my way home from work The bit I didn’t understand is that DF could afford to pay himself the top up but wasn’t allowed to - it had to come from a relative I think there is a lot of misunderstandings in real life re care fees and options - also a lot of misinformation on here and net in general about such matters
Hmmm this sounds like he had enough money to exceed the point at which the council contribute to care but that it was somehow hidden from the assessment process. Be really careful as councils can claw their money back.....assuming you are in England which is what I know about...and I really do know about it! www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs40_deprivation_of_assets_in_social_care_fcs.pdf
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/05/2021 08:20

@WeWantAMackerelNotASprat, I do so agree.

I wouldn’t wish dementia on anybody, but I do often think that those people who so piously say that they’d never put a parent in a care home could do with having their eyes opened by experience. At least a month of it, on their own, 24/7 with no breaks or time off.

Lalliella · 27/05/2021 08:24

In our society you’re not expected to. If your parents go into care, their assets are first of all used to pay for it, then when they get down to £23,000 the state takes over. No responsibility or expectation that their children would step in. You might want to out of the goodness of your heart, but you might prefer to save your money for your own future care.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/05/2021 08:24

No. That's not a cultural norm in the society I live in.

I know that people who've done well for themselves often help parents who'd struggled. That's lovely but it's always seen as a 'nice thing to do' for which one gets a pat on the back and a warm glow, therefore not an expectation.

My parents' generation are the classic early baby-boomers who did extremely well for themselves (in relation to their ability and effort) compared to their children's and especially contrastingly so, to their older grandchildren's, generations. They do not need anyone's financial help.

ImaHogg · 27/05/2021 08:24

My parents have enough money in their savings to buy my house outright so a definite no from me. However, mum has Alzheimer’s and I help care for her 6 days a week (without any payment from government or my parents) so I feel confident that I am doing my ‘bit’ for my parents.

caringcarer · 27/05/2021 08:26

My fil is very ill but mil cares for him. He gets attendance allowance so could pay for a carer to come in but does not want a stranger. If he gets worse it will have to happen. My mil's health is ok but she worries about fil a lot and no longer goes swimming or to gym with friend as she knows he does not have much time left. Mil's health will probably improve after fil passes as she will resume excercise. Financially we help them by buying odd things they need eg new dishwasher.

Redsquirrel5 · 27/05/2021 08:26

No, I didn’t.
My dad died young and I used to make purchases for my mum when I visited. Last time was new, very good quality bedding. She lived on the other side of the world and my sister would have contacted me if mum needed anything.
I have supported my sisters through the pandemic though.

Mrgrinch · 27/05/2021 08:28

I'd give up whatever I needed to, to care for my parents if they needed it.

ImaHogg · 27/05/2021 08:31

@OppsUpsSide

Fuck me these responses are harsh, hope these same people aren’t expecting an inheritance. In honesty, no I haven’t, cos they’re loaded. But if something happened I would absolutely move hell and earth to see them right and they will never be binned off in a home. I wonder what sort of relationship and expectations pp’s have of their own kids.
If either of your parents develop dementia believe me you will not have this black and white attitude. No one just ‘bins’ parents in a home. They are usually people like me and my family who are on their knees looking after their loved ones with little help from the government. My mum will eventually need to go into a home and it is far from something we want to do. Attitudes like yours are deeply upsetting. You have no idea, none!!
TheFunBus · 27/05/2021 08:33

I help pay to look after my dad. He lives in a country where there isn't state aid or social security. I think sometimes people in the UK forget how lucky they are. In a lot of other countries you have to pay for medical treatment and there is no social security net if you are old and can't afford to live.

Me and my sisters buy my dad food each month - his pension is paying for his living expenses at the moment as long as they don't go up too much! Luckily he hasn't needed a lot of medical attention but he has insurance which is just about affordable at the moment. Not sure what will happen when it becomes unaffordable.

quiteathome · 27/05/2021 08:33

No, but my parents seem to have things planned in that respect.

In law wise- one of my SIL said that we should get some savings together for my MIL. I am unwilling. Over the next few years I will have my children to put through university. (Should they wish to go)

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 27/05/2021 08:33

We did, for MIL (DM died relatively young, my father suddenly but I wouldn't have anyway, he'd alienated me). We eventually found MIL was better off than expected so stopped, but did part-fund capital investment so she could stay at home.

And I agree with all those saying, never say never about putting a parent in a home. It became impossible for MIL to be cared for at home, she needed care around the clock, could be angry and aggressive as well as confused. Even with carers sleeping in it was too much.

Confusedandshaken · 27/05/2021 08:38

No. My MIL is in a care home atm. She has enough in the bank to cover the next 30 months. After that the costs will come from selling her home which should get her another 10 years. Since she's in her 90s that should be enough.

My own mum is younger, only in her 70s but she is getting physically frail so may need a care home or sheltered housing soon (if she will agree, which is another story). Again, her savings would do a few years and then the sale of her home.

If there was a cash flow problem for either of them we would step in and cover any shortfalls for either of them but it would only be temporary and we would probably view it as a loan. We need our savings for our own old age so when our turn comes we aren't a financial burden to our own DC.

Quickchangeartiste · 27/05/2021 08:38

We used to pay for MIL private health insurance as she has an ongoing condition; then we found she had cancelled it and was passing the cash to SIL,; which I might have been ok about, but we only found out when she needed health care and wanted us to pay for it . I have left it to DH to decide, but I won’t be contributing,

My parents are dead, but they cared for themselves financially, but siblings and I helped practically, and I am glad I was able to do that.

Ontheroadtorecovery · 27/05/2021 08:40

I just wouldn't be able to financially but emotionally and practically without a doubt I only have DM as I lost my DF a little over a year ago. PIL aren't very close and DP has numerous siblings so hopefully they will have support too.

ThursdayWeld · 27/05/2021 08:42

@Waitingforamate

I’m not putting money aside, like we do for our children for example, however we have discussed parents living with us if ever needed and I would give them time and cash in a heartbeat after everything they’ve done for us over the years! Not sure I’d pay for care home though, would rather give up work and care for them myself.
Good luck with 24 hour, secure care, if they get dementia.

To answer the OP, I have not budgeted for this. Both my relations who are in care homes are council-funded as they were in under Section 3 care of the Mental Health Act (ie they were sectioned and stayed in for more than 28 days).

Nomorepies · 27/05/2021 08:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Brown76 · 27/05/2021 08:43

No they have pensions but I am preparing to be able to care for them if needed. Am from a non-white British background and we do/did send money to older relatives who are in countries where that is how families support older people.

Brainwave89 · 27/05/2021 08:44

We provided financial some financial support for my FIL and provided care when he had several operations and when he was dying with cancer. As an Indian by origin mumsnetter I am a bit surprised by the sharpness in some of the responses. Not all relationships are good I know, but by and large these are the people who raised and cared for you, and should deserve some respect.