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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:
StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 27/05/2021 16:46

@purplecrane

I am not individually criticising anyone who cannot afford to support their parents financially, just bemoaning the structure of a society where this is the norm.
How would you change this then? What possible changes to the structure of society would there need to be? Because I don't see what could be done to ensure people could afford to financially care for their parents? What do you suggest?
purplecrane · 27/05/2021 16:51

@huuuuunnnndderrricks that is all excellent reasoning in your case and I quite agree. My situation is completely different as my parents don't have the means to pay for care (or anything else at the moment) and I do. I wouldn't be able to give them time (live in another country for a start, and am a sole breadwinner in the family and work very long hours anyway). What I can do is support them financially so I do.

monthin · 27/05/2021 16:53

No 🤷🏼‍♀️

countrygirl99 · 27/05/2021 16:54

@purplecrane

I am not individually criticising anyone who cannot afford to support their parents financially, just bemoaning the structure of a society where this is the norm.
We have 4 living parents aged 82 to 94. 2 are physically very frail, one severely disabled, the other has dementia. They live approximately 2 hours apart. Both sets an hour from us. They all live at home but to pay for the care that just 1 receives at home would be £607.50 per week. That's £31,590 a year. For one. We have 4. We do a lot of hospital appointments, admin, researching help and jobs around the house. But we still have our own bills to pay. It just isn't feasible to do more.
purplecrane · 27/05/2021 16:54

Oh @StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind that is a very big question. My answers would include a lot of political and social change, including socialism, decrease in individualism, and the return of the concept of extended family and community/commmunalism as the centre of our society. Aint going to happen any time soon.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 27/05/2021 17:00

@purplecrane

Oh *@StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind* that is a very big question. My answers would include a lot of political and social change, including socialism, decrease in individualism, and the return of the concept of extended family and community/commmunalism as the centre of our society. Aint going to happen any time soon.
But you are talking about financial support so I don't really know what 'individualism' has to do with it? And frankly I get a bit tired of all us these days as being labelled as 'individualistic'- I think the events of the last year have actually shown that people will actually give up quite a lot for others. I think people are essentially the same as they always have been anyway.

I guess the boomer generation may well be financially better off than their parents but overall the same can't be same for their children! If you want to fix the issues around elderly care long term then you also need to consider the decreasing living standards and finances of the younger generation as well.

Templetreebreeze · 27/05/2021 17:00

@purplecrane

I am not individually criticising anyone who cannot afford to support their parents financially, just bemoaning the structure of a society where this is the norm.
Aaah yes Lets all go back to a time where daughters had to give up their own lives to care for elderly relatives Hmm I absolutely will not be expecting my children to end up exhausting themselves looking after me and so have made provision.
StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 27/05/2021 17:08

@Templetreebreeze very good point too, we all know the burden falls to women the vast majority of the time.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 17:15

@StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind part of what I meant exactly the point made by @countrygirl99 's situation, regarding the total disconnect between what most people actually earn/have available, and the costs of care for the elderly.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 17:21

@Templetreebreeze no not what I meant at all. I was talking about financial support and how it is provided. I myself am a daughter who could never personally care for my parents (in the sense you mean). That is not what they need from me. I am lucky to be able to give them what they do need from me (well, the "luck" started with them, by the route of my education, so their karma really).

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 27/05/2021 17:23

[quote purplecrane]**@StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind* part of what I meant exactly the point made by @countrygirl99* 's situation, regarding the total disconnect between what most people actually earn/have available, and the costs of care for the elderly.[/quote]
But @purplecrane you mentioned 'individualism' and social changes- what you are actually saying is that everyone should be paid a lot more? Am I reading that right?

JeepersCreeping · 27/05/2021 17:33

Er,no.

Between childcare to afford a smaller dream house than my parents bought as a starter home, tuition loan fees, ridiculous commutes, paying into a crap private pension.... Vs my parents in a 4 bed house, civil service pension despite the fact that my dad was an unskilled worker and my mum a sahm... We (literally) live like paupers compared to my parents.

I've never asked them for a penny, and happy to have paid my way myself, but the idea we should or could pay for their old age is staggering!

My dad retired at 55. I'll be working until I drop.

My parents have significantly more disposable cash than me.

We earn more on paper, but by the time you factor in mortgage, childcare bills and commuting costs, bills we cannot avoid.. we literally have hundreds of pounds less than them to live off.

I love my parents but I can't help wondering how rich I'd have been if I'd had the same work ethic but been born 30 years earlier.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 17:36

Pay/benefits should reflect real life requirements. The disparity between average pay/benefits levels versus costs has got to ridiculous levels in the UK (the same as house prices versus average pay etc).

That is not really pertinent to my particular situation though (neither me nor my parents live in the UK, although I used to). It is just my thoughts on what others have said. I would like to see more family members able to help and support each other (not just children to parents) and it is clear from replies on this thread that a main reason this does not happen is because the children themselves are struggling to make ends meet. The vast majority of reasons people have given for why they won't consider supporting their parents are not because they don't care about them, it is simply that they cannot afford to.

BackforGood · 27/05/2021 17:40

I think it depends. I am shocked at how people in the west are so ruthlessly I devoted to their parents but maybe that's due to the way they were brought up. In many other cultures, parent scrimp and spend every penny on securing their children the best they can. The best education, college funds, cultural enrichment etc so it would be absolutely right to use the money you now earn due to their investment in you to look after them. It's a cycle. But I guess if your parents dragged you up, gave no shits about you and your future then it would be more reasonable to not support them back so much. Still, living my mum as much as I do, I couldn't live happily knowing she or anyone else I cared for was struggling. It's not possible for me. It's like the saying 'you are only as happy as your least happy child' but include in that your parents.

But that wasn't part of what the OP asked.
The OP - who I note still hasn't returned to the thread - asked if any of us "budget for helping out our parents in their old age".
She didn't ask " If your parents were struggling financially and you had the wherewithal to make their life more comfortable, would you? "
That's a completely different question.
I suggest that a large majority of posters are saying "No, I don't because there is no need. My parents are considerably wealthier than we are. My parents own their own home which they could sell if their savings and pensions ran out"

No-one here has said "I wouldn't help out if someone I loved / cared for were struggling" Hmm

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 17:40

@JeepersCreeping when you finally pay off your mortgage your financial situation will improve. xx

JeepersCreeping · 27/05/2021 17:42

The numbers touted here (£600 a week for care for a single elderly parents) is more than most people I know earn in net wages. How are people meant to support up to 4 elderly parents when even 1 would be undoable here?

I can't afford that despite being in a stable job. Nor can I afford time - I work full-time, 4 hours away from 1 set if parents, 2hrs away from the in laws.

It's not feasible logistically or financially to do much.

And men aren't guilt tripped in the same way about their commitments making it unviable - women's unpaid labour Mostly jjust fixed the problem until recent years.

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 17:45

@JeepersCreeping nobody unless very rich is paying a care home bill for their parents. They might be paying an electric bill.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 17:49

I will be paying full care home bills for my parents if it comes to that, as there is no alternative (well, my brothers might contribute a bit), but the costs are way less in their country than in the UK.

calamityjam · 27/05/2021 17:54

No. My parents both have fantastic pensions. My mum is due to retire in 2 years and my dad retired at 63. They have assets from their parents wills as well as a house which is fully paid for. They are my retirement fund

calamityjam · 27/05/2021 17:55

I would literally do anything for them though. If they needed nursing at home I will do it and if they needed to live with me ever, that's a given.

KindnessCrusader · 27/05/2021 18:02

I don't budget for it but I'd definitely help as much as I could if needed. I can't see it being needed though, my Dad has been very generous to us financially already and he's unlikely to run out!

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 18:09

@BackforGood you are right, the OP was about something a bit different from what many of us have ended up discussing, but the reason for many people saying they have not budgeted for this is likely to be the same reason why they would not do it. Lack of resources not lack of care.

I HAVE budgetted for it, my parents' medical insurance payment has been in my monthly budget for over 20 years (and when DH met and married me 16 years ago he was aware both of this and that I was likely to have to support my parents in the future), and of course this monthly budgetting has also meant I have always thought about additional financial requirements in the future and how they would be met, and planned accordingly. Because I can meet them (although if I could not I dread to think what would happen to them, and as I have said, without the medical insurance they both would probably have been dead anyway).

Grapewrath · 27/05/2021 18:12

No but my mum was a terrible parent throughout my life so I owe her nothing

maddy68 · 27/05/2021 18:12

No absolutely not and I wouldn't expect my children to do that for us either ?

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 18:36

A long and interesting thread, but the OP never came back...