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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:

Youdoyoutoday · 27/05/2021 12:17

No, my parents took care of all of that themselves by buying another house to rent out, it's now mortgage free and will be sold when the funds are needed. Mum was very sensible in that respect.

OverTheRubicon · 27/05/2021 12:22

@purplecrane

It does seem clear that the point is that many people would not do this because they are less well-off than their parents, which is absolutely fair enough. But if it is massively the other way round, surely whatever culture you come from, it changes things completely. That's why I understand of course people saying we can't afford it, but some people seem to see it as a matter of principle, which I don't get. Why should money go "down not up" in families?

I'm sure that many people who are much better off would. But unfortunately because of house prices, increasing life expectancies and with that rates of dementia etc, and women having children older, that is not the case for the vast majority of families. My older friends are just starting to experience parents having issues with ageing, but at the same time have mortgages and their own children, even for relatively well off families there isn't usually much over to provide a lot of support for parents, especially if you allow for university costs and/or children staying home longer due to prohibitive rents.

There's an intergenerational equity point too - many of our parents benefited from very cheap housing that has rocketed in value, or far more plentiful council housing, and sometimes a free uni education too. Of course I'd feel differently if my parents had struggled through on minimum wage jobs in rented accommodation - but many have benefited a lot from changes over the last 40-50 years, and it would be pretty terrible to reduce the chances for their grandchildren to fund them if they didn't ever make their own provisions.

OrangePowder · 27/05/2021 12:30

Never mind your parents what about your own or your husband's care? DH is only 52 and needs full time care. We've saved for an early retirement all our lives, which we were planning to take in the next 3-5 years. He's at home and I'm caring for him with the help of paid carers. I'm unable to work becuae he can't be left and the money that was supposed to support me is (not so) slowly trickling away. No state support until all the savings in his name (half) are gone.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 12:34

Oh I agree totally. If it was the case that I was worse off then it would not be the same thing at all. But my parents have no property, so that part about rocketing property prices did nothing for them (they did have but lost it). They have not struggled on minimum wage employment but had their own business, which has had to decrease as my father has got older and now has been finished off by the pandemic. In their country there are no benefits of any kind and if they need care the state is not going to provide anything at all. So they are very much not in the position of many of the parents described on this thread.

honeybuns007 · 27/05/2021 12:35

@purplecrane

I think the bottom line here is not whether you are the parent or the child, but that, if you have family members you love, you help them if they need it and you are able to. Whether it is parents helping children or children helping parents. I have been surprised by some of the attitudes on these kind of threads: no, they are adults, they are on their own, not my responsibility etc...

Of course it is different if the family members are/were abuisve, selfish, horrible etc etc

You and I are on the same page. Where is the love? Why are so many people washing their hands of their loved ones? I love my DH and my DC. I also love and treasure my mother as does my brother. We would always do whatever we could for her. We WANT her to feel the love and care she has always shown us. Something seems to have gone wrong in so many families.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 12:41

namechange fail there, I have asked MN to amend!

countrygirl99 · 27/05/2021 12:59

[quote WeWantAMackerelNotASprat]@OppsUpsSide I hate people who state that they'd never bin people off in a home. How lucky that you don't have a parent with dementia who needs 24 hour care and not enough space at home to look after them or ability due to working etc. It's not binning them off it's giving them the best care. It's really offensive and rude what you are saying, a care home doesn't mean you don't care 🙄[/quote]
Yes, they clearly aren't expecting to cope with 4 frail elderly parents each with significant needs, all living at least an hour away and not in the same direction.

VestaTilley · 27/05/2021 13:01

No, of course not. That’s not usual practice.

Of course if they needed physical help or a good shop doing/taking out on trips etc I’d gladly do this once a week or so, but I wouldn’t set aside money for them, that’s mad.

Your job is to provide for your own retirement, and maybe help out your own children IF you can afford it. I’d only sub money to my parents if they were in dire straits or if I was very rich indeed.

VestaTilley · 27/05/2021 13:01

*food shop

countrygirl99 · 27/05/2021 13:08

Why are so many people washing their hands of their loved ones?

There is a difference between washing your hands of them and not supporting them financially/giving up work. Most people still have their own bills to pay and maybe DC to support but still use annual leave for hospital appointments or weekends for maintenance jobs etc.

LuvMyBubbles · 27/05/2021 13:12

I won't be expecting my children to do this.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 13:12

@VestaTilley why is your "job" only to help yourself and maybe your children? I don't see family like that at all.

Onesnowynight · 27/05/2021 13:14

I can barely afford to contribute to my own pension each month never mind my parents!

mindutopia · 27/05/2021 13:19

No, my dad is dead and I'm NC with my mum (she married a horrible man who makes an annual salary that is about 10 years worth of my relatively high earning salary). She'll have to manage herself.

Dh and I have certainly discussed that we would do our best to support MIL if she needs in when she is older. But no, we aren't saving for it. If we can at the time, we'll do our best. But there are other more tangible needs than that in the present. That said, both of our mums have a lot of equity and cash savings, so they are quite comfortable.

yetmorewaiting · 27/05/2021 13:20

We actually own the flat that is my Mum's home. This is thanks to some bad business and relationships history and a patchy NI record she lives off less than the full state pension but is not entitled to top ups so while buying a 2nd property wasn't in our budget, it was better than paying some shitey landlords rent. I guess if the time comes that she needs more than that, the home will get sold and we'll have to sort any care home fees as doubt she'll be entitled to any state help (residency issues). It is what it is.
MIL on the other hand has pots of money so helping her isn't on our radar.

TheMostHappy · 27/05/2021 13:27

Absolutely not! My mother is made of money following two quite nice inheritances - typical boomer - and I'm scrimping and scraping. So absolutely not.

purplecrane · 27/05/2021 13:39

You see, all those reples make absolute sense. If your parents are financially fine and you are struggling, or just not just as fine, why would you help them? Same as if I was talking about my brother.

But if either the brother or the parents were not fine and you were, why would you not help them? Why does it matter what generation you/they are? They are still your immediate family (totally different if the relationships are not good, people have been horrible or abusive etc, as I have already said). What I dont get is people who say oh they are adults, should look after themselves, it's not my job to look after them. That's not a good enough reason not to help.

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 13:50

@purplecrane I agree. I do not help my parents currently because they do not need it. We helped FIL because he did. My parents would help me if we needed it and have. Its just how life should operate if you have a non-abusive family.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 27/05/2021 13:50

It's not something I can afford to budget for- I'm already worried about how I'll be able to help my DC financially in the future and that is my priority.

However if I were in a position to help my parents financially and if they needed it, I would help them in a heartbeat. I love them dearly and want to pay back all they have done for me over the years- so want to be there for them as they get older. It may not be financial help but I'd do whatever I could to help them.

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 13:52

@TheMostHappy It is not boomers who are predicted to be most likely to benefit from inheritances, but Millenials. Millenials are predicted to have far larger inheritances than any other generation, although obviously not everyone. Although you should never rely on an inheritance, most people do not end up in care homes.

JustPoppingToWaitrose · 27/05/2021 13:55

@fruityorange That’s an absolute load of crap. In any event, why should millennials have to wait for somebody to die before getting on the property ladder?

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 13:59

@JustPoppingToWaitrose It is not crap. It is outlined in formal economic forecasts. There is concern amongst economic researchers that economic inequality is going to increase massively as a result and lots of papers written about the potential social impacts. This isn't just something I have read in the Daily Mail you know.

And of course, Millenials shouldn't have to wait until an inheritance to get onto the property market. I never claimed anything of the sort. The housing situation in this country is a disgrace.

lazylinguist · 27/05/2021 14:06

No. If they were unable to pay for care and needed it, then absolutely my dsis and I would do what we could within our financial means. However, my parents are fairly well-off and their house is worth at least £800k.

Incidentally, my (boomer) parents did not become well-off through inheritance, but through earnings, and we have all benefited from their generosity over the years even as adults.

Castlepeak · 27/05/2021 14:11

I do figure if any of our parents end up in government funded care we will provide an allowance for treats and things that just don’t get covered. A bit of pocket money really isn’t something we need to plan or budget for.

migmogmash · 27/05/2021 14:14

@Mumoftwoinprimary

Nope. My mum is a retired accountant. She has spreadsheets for every possibility. Many many spreadsheets.

This made me laugh, my mother is also a retired accountant with many, many spreadsheets

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