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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up my dream job for the sake of my son?

435 replies

ThornAmongstRoses · 26/05/2021 20:52

Last week my dream job was offered to me. I’ve still got to officially interview for it but I’ve pretty much been told it’s mine.

This job is something I’ve wanted for about 5 years, it’s something I’m so passionate about but I never thought it would be an option - but now it’s being given to me on a plate....it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

The only downside is that I would have to move closer to the job, it’s not far away at all but it’s enough to mean I’d have to move my 7 year old to a different school.

I feel heartbroken at the thought of doing that to him....but on the other hand, I want this job so, so much.

I just don’t know what to do.

My husband has said I have to take the job and although it may be difficult at first, our son will adapt to a different school, but I feel so incredibly selfish for even considering doing that to him to follow my dream.

I am so torn, conflicted, confused, sad....a whole range of emotions and I just don’t know what to do.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Or could anyone just advise me? I feel like I can’t see the woods for the trees Sad

OP posts:
Wideawakeandconfused · 26/05/2021 22:42

Take the job and communicate during the probation period. Make sure you really do love it and once you’re decided, then you can move schools.

user1592512579 · 26/05/2021 22:42

Take the job!

waterproofed · 26/05/2021 22:43

We just moved to a different area. My DCs prefer their new school to their old one and they loved their old school. Your son will be fine.

grapewine · 26/05/2021 22:43

@partyatthepalace

Dear god woman - take the bloody job - and wind down the drama while you’re at it. Kids have to move schools for their parents’ work all the flipping time - and he’s 7, he’s not midway through GCSEs!
This with bells on. I thought he was doing A levels or something!
CheesyMother · 26/05/2021 22:46

OP, in the nicest possible way you need to change your way of thinking. It’s really not a big deal to move schools aged 7 (in lots of areas it’s really common to move from infants to juniors at this exact age) - especially if you can time the move so he’s starting the new school in September at the start of the school year.

If you live your life this beholden to your child then you will turn yourself into a martyr for him. And that is so difficult to cope with as an older child - he will likely ultimately come to resent you for it!

Rumplestrumpet · 26/05/2021 22:48

I completely understand why you would worry but I also think you should definitely go for the job (and move, don't even consider doing that crazy commute or you'll lose your mind).

I had a very stable childhood (1 primary, one secondary) and wanted that for my kids ... But am now planning to take them aged 7 and 3 to a new country, new culture and new language because if my job. I've weighed up the options and despite the upheaval I think they'll get so much out of it and it will be the best decision for our family.

All that said, I would think very carefully about how you present the move to him - don't let your anxiety and worry rub off on him. (I'm discussing the move with a child psychologist friend to think through the best way of helping the kids manage their emotions, but maybe that's OTT!!)

Good luck!!

Mydogmylife · 26/05/2021 22:48

@ThornAmongstRoses

It must be mother’s guilt or something.

I have spent almost a week agonising over this, and still am, whereas my husband gave it two minutes of thought and said, “We’ll just move, he’ll be fine.”

How do they do that?!

Because they're sometimes much more pragmatic! Take the job, I moved loads of schools when I was young, it was fine
QuestPerSay · 26/05/2021 22:48

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LIZS · 26/05/2021 22:49

Of course your ds won't be keen. However sometimes we have to override their doubts for the sake of the bigger picture. Is there anywhere between your workplaces but accessible for you by public transport, at least until you can learn to drive if needs be. Once the decision is made, then discuss implications with ds. But present certainties , that we are moving on x date to y, isn't it exciting, you will start at this school on z date, not just a vague idea and as a choice.

HelgaDownUnder · 26/05/2021 22:50

Is the new school just as good as the old one? Socially he'll be fine, the only thing that would give me a pause is if he was taking a massive step down in school quality. If the new job has more money that may advantage your son in the long term, so that should be taken into account.

QuestPerSay · 26/05/2021 22:51

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MummytoCSJH · 26/05/2021 22:53

I definitely think access to work is worth looking into here. They could help you with paying for the taxis since your inability to get there is due to losing your license because of your medical conditions. Worth applying before making your final decision, or even explaining the situation to someone on the helpline? www.gov.uk/access-to-work/apply

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 26/05/2021 22:53

I read an article recently that said according to psychologists year 2 is the best age for them to change schools so he is the perfect age OP!

Take the job definitely.

Gooseberrypies · 26/05/2021 22:54

@QuestPerSay

Kids are not resilient. They thrive on routine and changes are hard for them. They survive huge disruption, but it is what it is - a huge disruption. Anyone who uses the 'kids are resilient/adaptable'' line is likely trying to justify disrupting their lives at the expense of their kids.

Having said that - if taking this job will make you a happier mum, and not taking it will make you a resentful one - then it's probably better overall that you do take it.
A resentful mother is worse for a child than disruption.

I was terrified of driving but finally bit the bullet and learned because I found an avenue of work that I loved but couldn't do without learning to drive. Could you use this sort of motivation to learn to drive now?
Then, you'd get the best of both worlds.

Op had their license taken away for medical reasons. They cannot 'learn to drive'.
Mamatoabeauty · 26/05/2021 22:54

I voted yanbu but I meant yanbu for moving him schools. He’ll adapt. Don’t think your being selfish at all!

JackieTheFart · 26/05/2021 22:59

I think you need to take the job and move house. Your son will be fine, I promise.

My kids moved school at that age (moved into mainstream from a speciality unit) and it was fine.

Kids are not resilient. They thrive on routine and changes are hard for them. They survive huge disruption, but it is what it is - a huge disruption
Anyone who uses the 'kids are resilient/adaptable'' line is likely trying to justify disrupting their lives at the expense of their kids

Rubbish. Just absolute rubbish, and really really unfair to try and guilt trip OP.

AlternativePerspective · 26/05/2021 22:59

OP, children move all the time. As PP said, it is often a huge disruption for children to move, however that doesn’t mean that it is worse for them in the longer term.

My parents moved abroad when I was 9. And then sent me to a boarding school (it was a specialist one) where I didn’t speak the language. For the first 6/12 months I was utterly miserable. Then, I learned the language, made friends, spoke my second language better than I speak English in fact, it was a beautiful country, and when we left again 10 years later I was heartbroken. But if I’d had my way in the first place we would never have gone, and yet I’d never change any of that now.

Just a word of caution though, from experience (others as well as my own) being told you’ve as good as got the job is meaningless until you have a written offer. I know of several people who have essentially been “offered” a job, where the interview was essentially “a formality,” and then when it came to the interview the job was offered to someone else.

So I wouldn’t cross the schools bridge until you have a written offer, although obviously I would start looking to see what schools/houses are in the area for if you do get it.

LIZS · 26/05/2021 22:59

Ah missed the medical issue with licence. Even so don't feel you have to live on the doorstep of work unless you really choose to. Do you have any family support at either location? Can you claim pip which could go towards travel?

PurpleRainDancer · 26/05/2021 23:01

@legalseagull

He's young enough to move easily! Within a few months he'll have a whole new friendship group and be thinking nothing more of it.
This

It’s far more important that you’re in a job you love as your happiness and job satisfaction will impact him. Go for it.

Guavafish · 26/05/2021 23:01

Kids adapt and make new friends. It’s good for them!

Go for it- dream job sounds amazing

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 26/05/2021 23:09

We moved when my son was 8. I felt awful doing it because he was so sad to move. But that lasted only a few weeks. He started making new friends and has repeatedly said over the years he was so glad we moved. Also, the best friend he left when they were 8 continued to stay in touch. They are now 18 (well my son will be in a few weeks) and still keep in touch and see each other from time to time. Take the job. It will all work out.

StormTreader · 26/05/2021 23:12

Go for it - he might meet the best friend he keeps through the rest of his life at the new school.

MrsPerfect12 · 26/05/2021 23:14

Go for it!

notacooldad · 26/05/2021 23:14

Kids are not resilient. They thrive on routine and changes are hard for them. They survive huge disruption, but it is what it is - a huge disruption
Anyone who uses the 'kids are resilient/adaptable'' line is likely trying to justify disrupting their lives at the expense of their kids
How do you think kids learn resilience?
One way they learn is by going through change and finding they cope with it. The child will have stability because he will be going through the process with his two primary care givers, ie his mum and dad, and will learn that he can adapt and thrive with change.

LyndzB · 26/05/2021 23:16

I moved schools at 7. Adapted quickly and made new friends. I certainly don't look on it badly at all! I say do it.

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