To give up my dream job for the sake of my son?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

Last week my dream job was offered to me. I’ve still got to officially interview for it but I’ve pretty much been told it’s mine.

This job is something I’ve wanted for about 5 years, it’s something I’m so passionate about but I never thought it would be an option - but now it’s being given to me on a plate....it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

The only downside is that I would have to move closer to the job, it’s not far away at all but it’s enough to mean I’d have to move my 7 year old to a different school.

I feel heartbroken at the thought of doing that to him....but on the other hand, I want this job so, so much.

I just don’t know what to do.

My husband has said I have to take the job and although it may be difficult at first, our son will adapt to a different school, but I feel so incredibly selfish for even considering doing that to him to follow my dream.

I am so torn, conflicted, confused, sad....a whole range of emotions and I just don’t know what to do.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Or could anyone just advise me? I feel like I can’t see the woods for the trees

A man would not be asking himself this question. Take the job

If it helps you feel any better a new child joined my daughters junior school class this week. I said make sure you are extra nice to them and she told me everyone always wants to be friends with the new children. My younger son agreed. Hopefully your son would make new friends in no time!

Congratulations on the new job - it sounds very exciting!

But honestly, you need counselling. You are self-saboting to a pretty extreme degree. Giving up a 'dream job' that you have fought for years to land because your Y2 will needs to move school - that's worrying. Your dh's reaction was correct - 2 minutes to decide that moving is the best option and your dc will adapt. But even with a supportive spouse and an avalanche of 'take the job' on here, you were still 'deciding'.

Please do NOT let on at interview that you suffered even a moment's doubt.
It all smacks of looking for an excuse not to take the job.

I would also advise seeking advice for your anxiety - this is not a normal level of worry for moving 25 mins away.
I think that's an extreme reaction. 25 mins isn't much but when it turns into 4 hours of public transport meaning the child has to move schools then it is a big deal. Even though I would make the move myself - still a big change and I'd be worrying about it too.

A few years down the line, your son will not understand why you didn't take the job and put him in the new school.

Another vote for take the job. My Dd moved schools last year age 7 into a different language school. She’s fine
I moved country and school when I was 9. Am also fine

Your son will be fine. Don’t project your stuff onto him, remember you are the adult, you are making the decision. Important to listen to him and help him with the transition of course but do start with the mindset that this is fun and an adventure and it will be great for him and for all of you. Children thrive on knowing that mum and dad are running the show and know what they are doing.

Not ‘I’m so sorry to do this to you darling please forgive me’

My parents moved me 4 times during the ages of 5-11 (due to my dad's job). Each time I was upset but within a couple of weeks I had made lots of friends and was fine. Unfortunately we always moved too far away to keep in touch with my old friends so your DC will be lucky in that he can still have play dates with his old friends.

Definitely take the job!

I moved Dd school when she was in year 3. She was hysterical on her first day, the head literally had to peel her off me. She was fine by lunchtime, had made friends and trotted off happily the next day. She never mentioned her old friends again or the old school. I moved primary at the same age and was also fine....friendships at that age are superficial.

Your son will be fine.

[quote ScissorsBike]@ComfyBed Don't dress anxiety up as "maternal concerns". This is a batshit way of looking at mental health, adding a weird gendered element. Most of us commenting are women and mothers, and we're telling you that this level of concern is not normal for "mothers". This is anxiety, and the OP would benefit from support.[/quote]
So does she have a medical condition you’ve diagnosed via a few posts on mumsnet or is she -as you so nicely put it- a drama llama??
Delightful way to speak either way. She has concerns, parental concerns for her child and that’s not necessarily anxiety, just not wanting to upset her child.

I'm really glad that this thread seems to be helping you balance your concerns. I agree that you need to take this job and move to take it; with epilepsy in the picture you don't need the extra stress of a long commute.

I think mothers get used to putting our child's needs first - after all, when they are infants that is exactly what they need. But there comes a time when they stop needing us and indeed may need to push us away. In between, ideally there is a gradual shift. The mother gradually letting go as the child gains independence. A mother putting her own needs first when necessary is a really positive part of this process.

There are very very few reasons not to move a child's school at this age. We didn't move for my husband's job because our youngest had the opportunitiy of an amazing choirschool that wouldn't have been matched in the alternative area. I struggle to think of anything else that would count against moving at 7.

Very best wishes for the next steps. Moving house and all is scary, but clearly sound the right thing for you and your family at this point. Share your worries with your husband and sort it out together. Focus on the adventure side! Good luck!

He’ll be a celebrity in two schools! New pupils in school are always a big deal for a while and these days teachers are very clued in and will help him settle.
He’ll also be a huge story in his current school when he says he’s leaving. The last one who left ds’ class did a zoom meeting with them after she moved and they all sent cards and letters.
My dc feel very badly done by that they can’t move.

@ScissorsBike how is it introducing a gendered issue? I’m simply referring to a normal level of parental concern that the OP has. And as she is a mother the word maternal applies, all by itself, without me having to ‘introduce’ it. I feel a bit sorry for any children that you have/ may have if this is how you would minimise a life changing event such as moving schools, to be honest. And I speak as teacher and a parent of teens (who moved school in primary school). Sure, school moves can be spun positively but change can still bring major upheaval.

@Grumblesigh
Agree wholeheartedly.
I’d be no brainier for me, unless there’s a backstory or certain circumstances that OP doesn’t want to share.
For me NOT taking this job would not be an option. People move house and jobs, it happens all the time. We can’t put our children in a bubble and protect them from every single discomfort. We don’t even know if there will be any discomfort, because OP’s child may as well be super excited about the move, depends how OP presents it/frames it.

@OwlBeThere- agreed.

Turn it into an adventure for him. New opportunities and the digital era means he can FaceTime his friends from the old school- he's not losing them. Holidays will mean you have more things to do as you go visit old pals and see the new ones.

Of course he will miss what he knows and at that age it is a bit hard to have the perspective on what it would be to move. Talk about the excitement of a new home / bedroom decorating/ garden etc

Your son will be able to adapt and it will be good learning in the long term on change.

By the way, I don't think it's the job or the school change that is at the root of your guilt. It's maybe your medical condition. It's how your medical condition impacts your dc lives.

And you must know that's not your fault. It will impact your dc, and that's okay and unavoidable. You are doing your very best and working hard for them and others and you should be really damned impressed with yourself!

In a few years your son is going to move anyway and you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it at the time.

Moving schools - it’s not that big a deal unless you make it one.

Is there another reason you feel this way? Seems quite an extreme reaction.

I'd take the job. Seven is a pretty good age to move, at this age its easier to make friends at school and with activities than it is when they're older. We moved when our youngest was due to start 3 and the school made sure he settled in, they were used to it. If you move over the summer he can start a new school year there, he probably won't be the only new starter either.

We moved our dcs twice in primary school. Once because we moved house and again because we got the place we wanted.

I felt guilty for a short period but knew it was the right call for all of us. My eldest struggled a bit but literally a few days and he’d made loads of friends.

I wouldn’t put this decision in the hands of your son - you’re the parent here.

Ring up and find out which schools have places and ask to have a chat with the head about how they transition new kids in.

Do it! I moved school around that age did for a parents job, it wasn’t easy but ultimately I was fine and I’d say over the long term it built my resilience.

@ComfyBed
Life changing? I feel like it’s too dramatic for the situation, moving primaries?
Even within the same school, teacher leaves a job, change in friendship dynamics or an incident, and you will have the same effect like moving schools. Imagine how OP would feel if she refused her dream job, and their current amazing school suddenly stops being so amazing. It happens!

I would take the job your son will be moving schools in a few years anyway when he goes to high school.

A parent happy in their job is going to offer more value than a few friends at school that may be forgotten about when he moves to high school anyway.
Arrange for him to meet up with friends frequently as a compromise

To add and I know. I one knows me to say whether I am actually okay or not but I went to 6 different primary schools, I only went to one high school.
My family moved around a lot, sometimes only by a couple of postcodes but they always changed my school.
It didn’t phase me at the time and I don’t have bad memories looking back.
I find it easy to talk to anyone and make friends easily

Agree with everyone else - take the job! We moved our DS twice in primary school, we had to move from one side of the country to an other and he survived, in fact I think it was good for him (& all of us) to get out of our comfort zone, to have to make new friends, find new clubs, sports teams etc ... he's now a 20 year old Uni student and is one of the most sociable, confident young people I know ... thrives on meeting new people and has coped with this last, difficult year incredibly well.

Congrats on the job!!

It's incredibly normal for a family to move because of their parents' jobs. It will not impact a 7 year old (from experience) and he'll probably find it exciting.

But also...it's your dream job. You have to take it.

I remember always thinking my mum was really cool and interesting when I was growing up, and that was because she had her own job and life, had her own sense of style and didn't just live for me as her child.

You can be an inspiration to your son by going after your goal.