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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up my dream job for the sake of my son?

435 replies

ThornAmongstRoses · 26/05/2021 20:52

Last week my dream job was offered to me. I’ve still got to officially interview for it but I’ve pretty much been told it’s mine.

This job is something I’ve wanted for about 5 years, it’s something I’m so passionate about but I never thought it would be an option - but now it’s being given to me on a plate....it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

The only downside is that I would have to move closer to the job, it’s not far away at all but it’s enough to mean I’d have to move my 7 year old to a different school.

I feel heartbroken at the thought of doing that to him....but on the other hand, I want this job so, so much.

I just don’t know what to do.

My husband has said I have to take the job and although it may be difficult at first, our son will adapt to a different school, but I feel so incredibly selfish for even considering doing that to him to follow my dream.

I am so torn, conflicted, confused, sad....a whole range of emotions and I just don’t know what to do.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Or could anyone just advise me? I feel like I can’t see the woods for the trees Sad

OP posts:
Embracingthechaos · 27/05/2021 06:20

You'd be ridiculous not to take the job. Only on MN do you hear people insist that you must never move once you have children. In the real world this happens very frequently and the children live to tell the tale. It's not that big of a deal, especially at such a young age. It's not as if he's in the middle of his GCSEs or something.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/05/2021 06:22

It sounds like there are lots of pros to taking the job. Career progression so presumably more money. That will benefit your whole family including your son.

Of course he would say he doesn’t want to and will miss his friends. He’s 7!! This is why adults are the decision makers.

I’d be more on the fence if you said he was a sensitive child who struggled at school and with friendships but you haven’t said that.

Take the job. Sell it to your son as an exciting move where he can still catch up with his old friends on weekends, he gets to make more friends, special treat of some kind that would appeal to him.

Show him that you value yourself, your career and your happiness.

You know this change will make you happy. You have no idea whether if it will make him happy or unhappy but presuming he’s NT, generally happy there’s no reason to think it won’t.

Ravenspeckingearly · 27/05/2021 06:24

I wouldn't pull a kid out of a good school that they are happy and thriving in, not for my own needs

We did. It’s been a total disaster and we are having to move DC schools again, but there is no guarantee that had we stayed at the previous school the status quo would have remained. DC are looking forward to the next chapter of life. Sometimes life throws you a curved ball and the younger you learn to deal with it the better.

Oneweekleft · 27/05/2021 06:25

My son moved schools at that age. He started year 3 at a new school. He had said up until that point he didnt want to move and it was nerve wracking but hes been fine and has completely settled into his new school. That age is actually an ideal age to move imo. He wont have lost his experience of his last 3 years at his current school. He'll move onto new exciting experiences and hopefully a new bunch of friends.

nathanandfanny · 27/05/2021 06:28

Definitely Do it! Not worth martyring yourself for. Mine moved school at seven and were completely fine - happy at the first and happy at the second (happier actually)

cariadlet · 27/05/2021 06:29

Primary school teacher here. Every year, I've had new children join my class and every single one has made new friends and settled into the class. Some seem to settle straight away, some take a few days, occasionally some will take a few weeks. But I have never taught a child who has been unhappy in the new class because they miss their old friends so much.

If you ask your ds now whether he wants to move, then of course he will say no. He lives in the present. He has friends in his current class and has an emotional attachment to them.

He hasn't yet met his new friends. He doesn't yet know how much fun he's going to have with them. He isn't able to grieve the loss of a friendship that he hasn't yet experienced.

If he has a best friend in his current class , then they can still keep in touch with video chats and by having sleepovers in the school holidays.

Don't put your life on hold over this. Your ds will be fine. It's your dream job and you have a lovely supportive dh who is happy to move.

Take the job.

Mostlylurkingiam · 27/05/2021 06:31

I gt you are worried but people move schools all the time, and he is so young. I wouldn't give it a second thought! And don't go by what your son says, of course he will be a bit sad, but that's fine, he will settle in. Don't use that as an excuse not to take the job.

BoattoBolivia · 27/05/2021 06:32

Speaking as a primary school teacher- take the job! Your son will be fine. We have children moving in and out of the school all the time. After a few weeks it can be hard to tell who the new kids are. You're not so far away that he won't ever see them again but you will be amazed at how quickly he moves on. I moved countries at 9- sobbed when we left and sobbed 3 years later when we left to come home again! Children are very conservative in many ways but also incredibly adaptable if their parents have the right attitude.

AlwaysLatte · 27/05/2021 06:39

Take the job and have regular sleepovers and weekend get togethers for his friends so he can keep with them, at least until he's made new friends. Maybe actually arrange a few of these in advance so he knows it will definitely happen and something he can look forward to.

ittakes2 · 27/05/2021 06:42

A happy mum would make for a happy family. But I think you should try the job to make sure you like it before you move him.

Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 27/05/2021 06:42

Thank you everyone,

My son is a very chatty, friendly and sociable little thing so I would like to think he’d be okay with a school move and in a few ways we aren’t very happy with the school he’s currently in so I don’t think we’d be removing him from a school that is particularly amazing anyway.

I did say to DH that if we were to move I would like to do it ASAP ready for DS to start school in Year 3 in the September rather than have to disrupt him midway through a school year.

After having slept on it I do feel more comfortable about the thought of moving and DH is completely supportive of whatever I want to do.

I was approached about the job two weeks ago and the interview is in another two weeks. I know what the job will involve as it’s one I have been pushing for, for years and years and now the funding has come through to secure the role. I already know the team I will be working in, I pretty much do the job now without the recognised role and without the pay I will be getting once the title is officially recognised. I can’t work from home as the job is within a nursing capacity so very hands on.

There are people who live near me who work that way, but they would be starting work two hours earlier than me and three less days then me so that’s not an option either.

Moving is the only feasible option.

It’s 6 months until I can get my licence back, and yes I could probably put up with a shitty commute for that time if I knew getting my licence back in December was permanent, but it won’t be. Yes, it is epilepsy I have and so could lose my licence again quite easily. I have to be in a position where getting to and fro work is not reliant on me being able to drive.

I had a brief look into financial assistance regarding the Access to work scheme but the impression I got is that they will only fund travel if there is no public transport available - which sadly there is for me except it’s a really awful option. I will have a deeper look into it later though when the children aren’t about and I can have some peace and quiet.

OP posts:
AlwaysLatte · 27/05/2021 06:43

NB I remember whenever a new kid started in my son's school he would get excited about a new playmate - the new ones were so fussed over it was impossible for them not to make friends! And my son moved at the start of year 8 because he was very unhappy at his old school, and he's made a lovely group of friends.

Bigbus · 27/05/2021 06:46

I moved schools at exactly the same age and I was fine. When I went to a primary school reunion many years later no one remembered that I hadn’t been there since the beginning. In my sons school now kids move in and out all the time and as pp said, the other kids are always really excited to meet new kids.

annie335 · 27/05/2021 06:46

Why would you have to move closer to the job if it's only 25 minutes away?

ScissorsBike · 27/05/2021 06:48

Oh my goodness, such a drama llama. Children move schools all the time. There is literally no problem here.

OwlBeThere · 27/05/2021 06:48

@annie335

Why would you have to move closer to the job if it's only 25 minutes away?
She already explained all that. She cantdrive medicallyx l
ScissorsBike · 27/05/2021 06:49

I would also advise seeking advice for your anxiety - this is not a normal level of worry for moving 25 mins away.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/05/2021 06:52

You need to take the job, he will adapt and be fine in no time at all.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/05/2021 06:52

Is there no bus?

ComfyBed · 27/05/2021 06:54

@ScissorsBike, I’d advise getting advice for your lack of empathy!

The OP has totally normal maternal concerns about the impact of changing her son’s school. I’d be more worried if she didn’t have those concerns.

ScissorsBike · 27/05/2021 06:59

@ComfyBed Don't dress anxiety up as "maternal concerns". This is a batshit way of looking at mental health, adding a weird gendered element. Most of us commenting are women and mothers, and we're telling you that this level of concern is not normal for "mothers". This is anxiety, and the OP would benefit from support.

MaMaD1990 · 27/05/2021 07:01

I would take the job. We moved loads when I was younger and I still think now its given me a really good life skill of being resilient and making friends easily - change isn't always bad! It may help your son come round if you're looking at new houses, he gets to chose his room and where he'll put his stuff - it'll take his mind off changing schools and make it more exciting for him. Nothing awful will happen if he moves schools, it'll be different and may take a bit of time to settle in but he sounds like a lovely boy and he'll be making new friends in no time.

LynetteScavo · 27/05/2021 07:01

Of take the job.

Two of my DC moved schools, around and honestly they never looked back. If I'd asked three if they wanted to move they'd have said no, but I didn't give them a choice, just sold it as a positive.

reprehensibleme · 27/05/2021 07:02

Take the job. Your wellbeing has an impact on your son, and you doing a job that is fulfilling, rewarding and makes you happy will mean your son has a happy mum.

You do not have to sacrifice everything for your children. Your needs should come higher up the ladder than their wants, and you could conceivably be working for the next thirty plus years - if that can be in a job you live it's a no brainer.

DP's moved every 2-3 years when we were primary aged (job related). Looking back they framed it as a big adventure rather than something to be worried about, so it was always exciting.

Primary age is the easiest time for children to move schools - they adapt quickly.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 27/05/2021 07:02

7 year old is optimum time to change schools imo