Daily takeaway and slobby lifestyle

[TheTakeawayDilemma]

I know I’m BU, I just need some serious help and I’ve name changed for this because I’m horrified at how big this issue has become.

DH and I started using a delivery app a lot over the first lockdown as it was easier than trying to get a food delivery slot. This escalated and even when we could get food shopping again, we continued to get takeaways. We now spend £30-60 a day on takeaways and even if we do promise ourselves we’ll be good (and get proper food shopping/delete all the delivery apps) it only lasts a couple of days. The stupid thing is, we can’t even afford to live like this. A lot of it goes on credit cards.

On top of this, our house has become unbearable. Laundry everywhere, boxes of stuff piled high everywhere, it’s just slowly becoming a hoarders paradise.

The issue is, I just don’t know how to correct this slobby path we have fallen down. We both have respectable jobs and work long hours, sometimes 6 days a week, and you’d never think we lived like slobs if you worked with us.

I cry every night just not knowing where to start making changes. We want children soon and there’s no way I could bring DCs into this kind of life.

Please help, I’m at my wits end

Morning all,

Thanks for all the suggestions. I couldn’t sleep last night going through some of the recommendations for decluttering and cleaning etc.

In a typical day we’re up at 5am, out by 6 and then not back home until 7pm, sometimes 8pm - so slow cooker is out, unfortunately! I’d love to take some time off but it really isn’t something either of us would be able to do in our roles at the moment. Perhaps in a couple of months that will change.

I downloaded the organised mum app so will focus on one room a day when I get in (entrance way today) and DH is going to swing by M&S on his way home to grab some ready meals and bags of veg/salad. I do think it’s become a bit of an addiction with the takeaways so hoping we can wean ourselves off them that way.

As for the DH issue, it’s not that he doesn’t DO anything it’s just that he doesn’t think to do anything. He wouldn’t actively start cleaning or decluttering, but he’d do it if I make a list of things to do. I set up a joint todo list as PP mentioned so we can start tackling each room at a time together.

I’ll also be using this thread for accountability at the end of each day to help me stay on track.

I am really grateful for all of your advice, thank you.

First thing I'd do is get the laundry sorted. start getting two loads on a day. One in am and one before bed if you can.
Then I'd also think about cooking larger portions of meals so make spaghetti Bolognese but make it for six people. Freeze 3 portions. Have a portion each for your dinner and then you have one portion left to split for lunch the next day.
Make cottage pie, lasagne, chilli etc and keep freezing a couple of portions. The on the days where you just can't be arsed to cook, you got lots of things to pick from in the freezer.

Also, instead of buying fresh veg, buy frozen already chopped/cut veg. We do this now and we are throwing away far less stuff.

Think about quick meals. Pasta and pesto with some peas thrown in. Baked potato with tuna and cheese with a side salad.
Fajitas. Those Thai cook bags from Lidl or Aldi are really good and you just add chicken and some of the frozen veg. Buy some packets of microwave rice and that meal is done in the time it takes to cook the chicken and let the sauce heat up.
I'm not saying these are the healthiest of meals but it will be a lot healthier than takeaways and much cheaper too.

If your DH doesn;t 'think' to do anything , do explain about women;s mental load to him. It's not your responsibility to carry all that. But alos, just teach him how to do a couple of the more time-consuming jobs and then tell him these are his on a regular basis: He's in charge of shopping for cheaper ready meals and for laundry - washing, drying, folding, putting away. You are in charge of tidying, for example, which frees you up to do more smaller fiddly jobs that demand thinking about. Just as time consuming but harder to delegate.

Yes how does he know to "think" about doing stuff for work.
He's pulling your leg there. He's an adult and if he lived alone he would be doing these things...

Sorry to push this but have you considered the possibility that this is a symptom of depression?

I speak from experience. A few months ago I was prescribed an antidepressant- after a few weeks my attitude and energy towards chores totally changed and I was back caring and giving time to it.

Go easy on yourself. You sound very busy. I agree with previous posters who suggest throwing some money at the problem if you can - nice ready meals, prepped veg and a cleaner once you get on top of clutter.

You need a CBT/ motivational interviewing approach. These are the best ways to break a bad habit

1. Sit down with DH and list all the positives of getting takeaways. Try to include everything eg convenience, enjoyment etc. It's important to acknowledge that there are positives because that is why you are doing it.
2. Then list all the negatives eg debt
3. Look at your lists and see whether in fact the negatives are outweighing the positives. If they aren't then that would explain why you can't change. Maybe you'll find that one or both of you don't really want to change
4. If you do decide it is worthwhile to change then specifically think about how you can get the positives of takeaways in other ways eg food boxes or ready meals for convenience
5. Set yourself a date that you are going to make the change and a target eg only one takeaway a week. Choose a meaningful reward for hitting the target
6. If you fail and don't make the target them just start afresh the next day and accept that making changes to ingrained habits is hard rather than punishing yourself
7. If you succeed then review your goal and decide if you want to keep it the same or eg cut down more.

I'm just not into takeaways or apps so this isn't my particular vice but I do work a long hrs stressful job and don't always feel like cooking in the week. I allow myself to have easy options at least a few times in the week eg some pasta with ready made sauce. I try to value add stuff like that by choosing healthier options if I can and always adding veg even if it's some frozen peas. I try to make up for the week nights by making time to cook nice family meals at the weekend. I used to use recipe books but these days everything is easily accessible online. I get a lot of achievement and enjoyment out of cooking from scratch but if you don't then I don't think you can force it. I do also have decent basic cookery skills (DH does not he just reheats!). If it's that holding you back and you want to learn then maybe you could book a weekend course. It might be a fun thing to do as a couple.

I can also sympathise on the messy house. Ours was so bad at one point that I was in tears over it. I am great at cleaning but I suck at tidying and DH is terrible at throwing things away so there was just piles of crap everywhere. I was very close to booking a professional declutterer and I still might do it but DH baulks at the cost. Instead DH agreed to help and we booked some days off together and hired a skip and agreed to do one room at a time. That has made a fairly good impact although there are still problem areas (spare room...)

I would try and book some annual leave or half a days emergency leave . To to tackle one room at a time and I would say ty to reduce to 1-2 takeaways and try hello fresh too

Slow cooker could work if you use what are called "dump" bags. Not done it myself but you in essence prep and freeze several bags of ingredients (chicken casserole/curry/whatever). Get a bag out the night before so it defrosts and then just dump it in the slow cooker in the morning.

One way I meal plan is to write every meal we like down on a small piece of paper. They are in a plastic box - when I am doing my supermarket order I just pick out 6 or 7 pieces of paper and they are our meals for the week. We write them (so like them). If I (cos I do it so I am the ultimate decision maker) don't fancy something one week, or can't be faffed to make it - I just swap it for something else.

The reduction in having to think about meal planning has been brilliant. That was what I have always hated about it. But I will say, having a meal plan to guide shopping/planning for the week etc is hugely useful.

Well done for making some changes, it really isnt easy.

You need to throw yourselves into this change fully, as if you half arse it it will be so easy to slip back into old ways. If you decide one day you're too tired and order that takeaway and not do your cleaning, you'll do it again the next time and the next & before you know it you'll be back where you started. And that's both of you!

It can be done, it wont be easy so you need to push yourselves.

Good luck OP

At least you admit you "can't afford to live like this" but sadly that credit card will be a humongous mill stone round both of you,your spending & reckless spending,will end in serious consequences,sooner or later. Money matters have to be addressed. 7 days to earn money,7 mins to get rid of it,,& it becomes a very very miserable life.

We do Hello Fresh. It's been amazing. Life changing actually.

Well done op and using the thread for accountability is a great idea.

In a typical day we’re up at 5am, out by 6 and then not back home until 7pm, sometimes 8pm - so slow cooker is out, unfortunately! I’d love to take some time off but it really isn’t something either of us would be able to do in our roles at the moment. Perhaps in a couple of months that will change.

You must be utterly knackered, so go easy on yourself.

As others have said, try starting small. A ready pizza takes 15 mins to cook, but is a fraction of the cost of a take away.

Pick one room a week and blitz them one at a time.

I would make 3 suggestions.

Living better - Get a cleaner. You say you would be embarrassed for friends to see your house the way it is so maybe getting a cleaner will embarrass you into straightening the place up a bit before she arrives. Book a few days off to de clutter knowing that the cleaner will be there on the last day.

Managing money better. Cut up your credit cards and delete the apps. Do a household budget that allows for home cooked food and maybe 2 takeaways a month as a treat. The day you get paid take every penny that isn't needed for essentials like the cleaner, utilities and food and use that to pay down your credit cards. Then exist on the actual amount you have left for the rest of the month. If you don't have access to credit cards you won't be able to spend what you don't have. If that means some days all you eat is beans on toast and apples it will be healthier than constant takeaways and save you between £25 and £50 a day. That's over £1000 a month paying down your debt whilst improving your health and environment.

If you really struggle with this I would consider seeing a clinical hypnotherapist. They aren't a cure all and you still need motivation and determination but they can really help with breaking bad habits and establishing new ones.

Isn't your work life balance the root cause?

Working 12hr days routinely and neither of you able to take any leave for months. That sounds a crappy existence to me.

After all that work it seems you have nothing to show for it. You forced into living a lifestyle you hate and you are in debt so presumably not raking in cash for all this work. Something seems wrong to me.

You literally could not have a child and continue to work as much as you both do so at some point something will have to change. I realise that a job is a precious thing in today's world and that it might be scary to think of making changes now but honestly your jobs are the cause of your unhappiness aren't they?

As for the DH issue, it’s not that he doesn’t DO anything it’s just that he doesn’t think to do anything. He wouldn’t actively start cleaning or decluttering, but he’d do it if I make a list of things to do..

Seriously, do not have children with this man.

What did you eat last night!?

I am quite concerned that you are working cuchincredibly long hours with no option to take some time off? Why not?

Dh is in a very high stress role with air of responsibility but a heart atttack in his 40s gave him the push to carve out a much more effective work life balance. Don’t be him. Don’t work yourself into ill health.

Put prenatal controls on your Wi-fi so when you delete the apps they stay deleted.

Sounds like a positive start OP, good luck.

But sorry to bang on about work, but it does sound like the main driving factor of your issues.

The time you're at work is unsustainable. Is it due to the pandemic you're working such long (illegal) hours or has it always been like that? I hope you get paid well and if you do, you can use extra money to buy in help - cleaner, gardener, healthy food that you don't need to spend time on.

But what about your annual leave - are you being allowed to take it? For the last 15 months and probably the next few months you have nearly 6 weeks a year where you are allowed to have time off work but can't really do anything with - use this time to get on top of things and into a better routine, as well as having some proper down time.

And if you can't take your minimum leave entitlement and are being forced to work 60 hours a week, I'd seriously start looking for another job with a better work life balance. It's no life you have right now and it will only get worse.

In a typical day we’re up at 5am, out by 6 and then not back home until 7pm, sometimes 8pm

With these hours, I'd give up any idea of being able to cook properly during the week and focus on eating healthier options that cost much less.

• Healthy microwave meals. Add a prepared salad.
• Sling chicken kiev, salmon fillets or breaded fish in the oven (20-25 mins) and eat with a side salad.
• Scrambled eggs with smoked salmon on toast. Takes minutes to make.
• Batch cook a few things at the weekend (chilli etc.) and heat up with microwave rice or fresh pasta.

I think you've got to be realistic about how much energy you have. In your shoes, I'd spend any spare energy tidying and sorting the mess so you can get a cleaner in rather than cooking. You'll feel so much more in control with a clean house.

We used Gousto sporadically, but stepped up to 4 meals a week during first lockdown when supermarkets were manic.
We enjoy cooking (I love prepping veg!) but they do a lot of meals that literally take 10 minutes, plus quite a few that might take loner to actually cook but all the ingredients come ready chopped. One of you could be making the 10 minute meal while the others sees how much tidying up or cleaning you can do in the same 10 minutes.

Can you pick one thing to do better, like getting an early night so you have more energy? Or putting away one box before you can start work? Getting started is always the hardest part.

Perhaps you could block your credit card or decide that you need to wait 15 mins after making a decision and doing something nice for yourself before following through to give time for your brain to make a ratiinal rather than impulsive decision?

Some great ideas here - good luck, OP. And don't be too hard on yourselves, it's been a crappy year and lots of us have fallen into bad habits. Small steps rather than trying to tackle everything at once or you'll just get overwhelm paralysis.

Re mess and clutter, it can be overwhelming when it’s built up, and seem like an impossible task that makes you feel depressed and exhausted just thinking about it.
As pps have said, one small step at a time. One room, or part of it, one pile of laundry or paperwork.

As for meals, I do agree that ready meals for a while will at least be cheaper than takeaways. Google quick and easy meals - BBC good food will probably be good for this - promise yourself to make one a week at first, check the recipe and make sure you’ve either got everything, or make a shopping list to get what’s needed.

The following week, repeat with two.

Yes, it will take a little willpower, but sticking to small, achievable steps will soon help you to start feeling better.

In a rush so only read OP's posts so this has probably been mentioned, but identify which part of your lifestyle bothers you the most then focus on that. You need to develop new, better habits, but only one small thing at at time. So for example, if you're most concerned about the money focus on how to deal with that first. You could swap the takeaways for cheaper (and healthier) ready meals, which wouldn't take any more time (apart from the shopping part) but would likely save money. Once you've broken the takeaway habit you can then look at introducing cooking again if you wish. You may well find you feel a bit more energetic simply by swapping takeaways for healthier ready meals, so could start on the clutter. But one small goal at a time.

It sounds like you are not able to achieve a work/life balance with those hours, you poor thing.

I definitely second having a look at microwave meals - Cook do some nice ones that aren't too unhealthy. They aren't cheap - but they are a lot less than a takeaway. Whenever you do have time to cook, make huge batches and freeze - it is not really much more effort than cooking just one meal.

With the cleaning, start small. Flylady used to start with cleaning your sink, which is actually quite a sensible place. If you both put in 20 minutes a day, it is surprising what you can get done.

Also, if you're anything like me, the takeaways are more t an "just" food - they are a moment in the day where someone else looks after you. And that can be emotionally very powerful and important when you are struggling and low. Finding an alternative way to look after yourself, and to feel nurtured, may be key here.