Daily takeaway and slobby lifestyle

[TheTakeawayDilemma]

I know I’m BU, I just need some serious help and I’ve name changed for this because I’m horrified at how big this issue has become.

DH and I started using a delivery app a lot over the first lockdown as it was easier than trying to get a food delivery slot. This escalated and even when we could get food shopping again, we continued to get takeaways. We now spend £30-60 a day on takeaways and even if we do promise ourselves we’ll be good (and get proper food shopping/delete all the delivery apps) it only lasts a couple of days. The stupid thing is, we can’t even afford to live like this. A lot of it goes on credit cards.

On top of this, our house has become unbearable. Laundry everywhere, boxes of stuff piled high everywhere, it’s just slowly becoming a hoarders paradise.

The issue is, I just don’t know how to correct this slobby path we have fallen down. We both have respectable jobs and work long hours, sometimes 6 days a week, and you’d never think we lived like slobs if you worked with us.

I cry every night just not knowing where to start making changes. We want children soon and there’s no way I could bring DCs into this kind of life.

Please help, I’m at my wits end

Have a great weekend OP

Hey all,

Little update for you - I’m feeling very frustrated tbh.

Food wise have done brilliantly. Another 4-5 days worth of food delivered yesterday and swapped our usual takeaway fry up with bacon and egg sandwiches.

However, the house has well and truly stalled mainly due to DH. He has found EVERYTHING else to do bar help with the decluttering of the house. Yesterday he decided he wanted to put some shelves up in our garden shed which took him all day. He said it was so we had somewhere we could put things but I think it was just a massive avoidance technique. After all, I can’t be hanging winter clothes in the garden shed - and yesterday was supposed to be the bedroom sorting day.

I feel defeated I guess.
I’m so glad for all the tips and I’m proud of no takeaways, but I’ve done all of the cooking, I did the last food shop after his initial one, and his contributions have basically been to empty and reload the dishwasher when I asked for him to tidy up the kitchen (he didn’t even take the rubbish off the side or wipe it down). Oh and the shed of course.

I think it’s made me realise this could very much be a DH problem! I have said countless times how down the house is making me feel and he agrees it needs to get sorted but he would rather faff about in the shed all day. Gutted really.

OP, he may be born disorganised, in which case he genuinely won't see or work out where to start, and needs to be asked to do something very specific, such as: put these piled clothes into bin bags and take them to the fabric recycling place. Or Please empty and crush all these Amazon boxes and put them in recycling. Or get him to hoover, damp wipe and polish surfaces you have cleared.

I know you don't want to be the boss of keeping your home tidy - and you mustn't be long term, but short term, see if a specific task is easier for him. And keep it all fun with good music playing and lots of talking up how well you;re both doing and how clear the place looks.

Yeah I definitely think he is @Cowbells so I put together a big list for us to tick off together yesterday. He said he would do some when he finished the shed, but it took him forever. He actually looked disappointed that I hadn’t finished the huge list by myself when he came back in for his dinner hence me thinking it was just an avoidance tactic

If he doesn't want to do it then he can fund a cleaner ? Why should you be doing it all ?

You need to make slow changes to make it easier.
Instead of going from takeaways to home cooked meals, but some easy ready.meals instead.
Delete all the takeaaway apps off your phone.
And make a list of chores for the house and start a routine.

Once you've got it under control a bit, then start incorporating some home cooked easy meals (stir fry etc)

That’s so frustrating. But it’s good you are recognising it could be a DH problem. Maybe he will just take longer than you to catch up to the new improved lifestyle habits - but you’ll know if he takes too long.

You need to make slow changes to make it easier. Instead of going from takeaways to home cooked meals, but some easy ready.meals instead.

Why would you advise this when she’s already made progress on this?

OP that sounds disheartening and disappointing.

My DP can’t sequence tasks, or complete them. Since his diagnosis of dyspraxia and ADHD (only the AD present) this has become much easier for me to manage. I break things down and tell him, Do A, now do B. He now does the bulk of the hoovering and dishwasher, but the laundry plays more to my strengths.

However, if he’s just not willing, I’d be tempted to just put his things in a box.

Did you speak to him about it and what did he say?

I could not be with someone who was so disrespectful and dirty. Have you seen the article about the man who ended up divorced because he couldn’t wash up. That could be your DH.

article here and it’s brilliant

I agree with nice ready meals (Charlie Bighams etc), and also have healthy treat foods in (for example, seafood or steak, which would still be far cheaper than the takeaways). I second getting a cleaner to help with some of the money saved.

I am not a domestic goddess by any stretch of the imagination, in fact I'm a bit crap, but these are some of the ideas that I've picked up from various places that help stop me descending into utter chaos

1. Fold up plastic crates like these from Argos - when you're in the early stages of a declutter, sometimes you just don't have the mental room to work out where things need to go there and then. Sellotape an A4 sheet on the side of each crate with labels like "clean laundry", "gadgets and cables", "books, CDs and DVDs", "paperwork" or whatever, and then clear down all the surfaces in a given room into the crates. Once that's done you can then prioritise which crate you need to sort through first, and stack the others in a corner until you're ready to get to them. What I tend to do is have that crate beside me while I'm watching TV, and do easy quick sorts like pairing up socks or fishing out all my credit card statements, and pop out in the ad break to put them away.

It's slightly less efficient than putting stuff away there and then, but breaking it down into multiple little jobs feels more manageable than one big one. It also means I'm less likely to get hung up on the best place to put something, or distracted by something I notice on my way to put something away, and having done a first sort I've got an obvious place to look first if I can't find something.

2. Some magazine files like these from Ryman for your incoming post. I keep mine on a shelf near my front door, but if you always come in and take the post into the kitchen to read while the kettle's boiling then you could put them there. Label the first one PAY/REPLY and put any bills you need to pay or letters you need to reply to in that, and the second one FILE, for mail you don't need to respond to (or the bills once you have paid them) but need to keep for future reference. Label the third one READ, for magazines, brochures etc that you're interested in but don't require immediate attention, and the fourth one JUNK/SHRED for junk mail, used envelopes, read brochures. This way you can do an immediate quick triage of your mail when you get in, and then focus your attention on the things that require a response when you've got more time later.

When it comes to filing stuff, I keep everything for this year in an expanding file like this so I can lay a hand on it easily. Anything older than that gets transferred into box files according to whether they're bills, bank statements or whatever, and stored on top of my bookshelves as I don't need to refer back to them very often. You might find a different solution works better for you though.

3. To help with the "laundry everywhere" problem, several people have mentioned drying clothes on hangers so the creases are more likely to drop out. To help with this, and to give me more drying capacity when I've had a blitz with the washing, I've got a hanger stand that can take thirty hangers at a time, although I tend to double space it when I'm drying stuff to allow the air to circulate better. It also folds up fairly small when you're not using it.

4. Dymo labeller - for labelling the contents of the random cable box once you work out what each one is for, plugs in sockets (so you don't accidentally unplug the fridge when you meant to unplug the kettle), box files of paperwork, storage boxes in cupboards/under the bed, tupperware in the fridge etc etc

5. Finally, now you're getting into the swing of cooking, I find having a dry wipe meal planner on the fridge a big help, as you can plan your meals at the weekend when you're not tired and hungry, and then just refer back to the plan on the board when you get home. You can also make a note of things that you need to use up because they're about to go out of date, and stuff you need to buy more of because you've run out.

As I live by myself, doing all this stuff is down to me, so I don't have to deal with the "partner not pulling their weight" issue. Some people I know have found gamification techniques helpful, where basically you get points for doing different tasks depending on how difficult/time consuming they are, and then at the end of the week the person with the most points gets a reward such as choosing which takeaway you get or which film you go to see or whatever. It does rather rely on the degree of competitiveness of the people involved though.

Sorry to hear your DH has stalled. Would calling him out on his task avoidance be helpful do you think?

I can't emphasis enough How much Dayna K White (A slob comes clean) has helped me get my shit together, and I see others here recommend her too. Get listening to her podcast. One of the things she advocates for is "take it there now" - none of this putting stuff into a big pile in the middle of the room, or pre-sorting into boxes that each need to be sorted through again. It means that even if you only spend 5 minutes working on a task, you will always always end up better off than when you started, whereas if you put it all into a big pile in the middle of the room but get interrupted before you're finished, you end up worse off than when you started.

It’s a DH problem not a you problem...have a think about that....

It’s a real shame your DH is not as on board as you are. I think unfortunately change is pretty short lived if someone has no real desire to make a change.

That’s extremely frustrating when you are trying so hard and he’s not doing his bit. Hiding in the shed all day hoping you will just do it all is really not taking responsibility.

OP you have done so well up to now!

It takes energy. But it is a bit addictive once the ball starts rolling as you mentioned.

OK so OH was useless and got well and truly sidetracked in the shed. Don't be discouraged. Take a break.

And back on it. The future will be so much better with this great work you have put in.

Arrr this is really hard. You can’t make someone care as much or do as much, but also you shouldn’t have all your hard work undone by him or do it all yourself

I think you just have to talk about what realistically each of you is going to do, both to get to things up to scratch and then maintain it. Without getting into blame/defence/control etc.

M&S is your friend as is Cook — bulk up good ready meals with prepacked salad or steam some broccoli and carrots— I don’t go a bundle on hello fresh/gusto as I can guarantee H decides he ‘doesn’t fancy it’ that night and I personally ended up wasting food — keep your fridge well stocked with high end ready meals withenty of shelf life, cheese, cooked meats, Stir fry’s are a doddle too and take next to no time. I mix up 50/50 with ready meals (good ones) and cooking from scratch (usually at weekend)

On the house front OP, I find it easier to allocate some tasks whilst I am out in the day (he’s at home) — I will text and say , can you clear that table of stuff or load dishwasher etc— if I give specifics he does it and I don’t have to see his huffy expression

Christ the depression at having to parent my partner because they can’t seem to enjoy the dishwasher or what have you without being asked nicely.

Fuck. That.

Why are people recommending processed ready meals when the OP has already said she's trying cooking properly? I don't mean that in a snippy way, just I don't get it. It doesn't feel very supportive.

I totally get why you're feeling the way you do about your DH but he may not be at the same point as you yet. It's a bit like deciding to go on a diet, give up drinking or smoking, you can't really expect someone else to do the same if they're not in the right frame of mind. Just communicate and ask him how's he feeling about it all. You've made massive changes in a week (a big well done) so he might be feeling overwhelmed. Best of luck!

@DavidTheDog. I think recommending ready meals that are not full of crap isn’t a bad idea. She’s using a lot of energy she’s not used for a while, has a lot to do and a partner who has turned into a sulky teenager...fair enough not to cook as well. A bought quiche salad and potatoes isn’t going to derail but could support.

But people aren’t recommending picking up a salad and potatoes. They’re suggesting ready meals, highly processed and that won’t satisfy for long. Fair enough if it was a financial improvement on takeaways, but she’s already cooking properly.

(And thank you for answering-and offering an explanation )

Not all ready meals are 'highly processed'. If you go in M&S some are literally salmon, spinach, new potatoes, herbs and butter in a plastic tub, ready to microwave. Or Cook - it's just food that's been cooked from scratch by someone else, albeit on a larger scale.

Nutritionally identical to what you could produce in your own kitchen, but all the work done for you. If time or headspace is a barrier, a good solution and definitely a healthier and cheaper alternative to takeaways, which is what the OP asked for.