Friend not allowing DC to wedding BUT baby in arms...

[FinksMeNot]

Friend has sent out invites for wedding. No DC but baby in arms welcome. However, she's given the go ahead for a disabled DC of 3 to come

Other friends in same circle not happy about this as they also have DC around age 3 so think they should be allowed to come too...

What do you think?

@BlackElephant

My personal view is that wedding are family affairs

When invited to a child free wedding we declined. No fuss- didn't tell them why (partly it required overnight stay and all our geographically close family were at the wedding and partly I find child free wedding tend to be a piss up)

It is up to the Bride and Groom who they invite and up to each guest to decide to attend or decline based on their situation/views

No debate required.

But in this case it is friends complaining, not family. Do you also decline all invites from non family members that don't include children?

But in this case it is friends complaining, not family. Do you also decline all invites from non family members that don't include children?

My DC are now older but only ever invited to 1 child free wedding. Our friends and family tend to have multi-generational weddings.

@BlackElephant

But in this case it is friends complaining, not family. Do you also decline all invites from non family members that don't include children?

My DC are now older but only ever invited to 1 child free wedding. Our friends and family tend to have multi-generational weddings.

Fair enough, but I think objecting to going to friends weddings due to kids not being invited for moral reasons, rather than practical ones, is a bit much. There could be as many kids the couple hardly or doesn't know between everyone as guests and then that's halved the amount of people they actually know they can invite. I think it's really unrealistic to expect to be able to bring your whole family to somebody's wedding.

If it's difficult to attend then decline.

If I was your friend, struggling for childcare that's what I'd do.

I find all the 'no kids allowed' weddings a bit miserable. And a faff to arrange childcare for. So it's often a decline from me. Some friends lost in the process unfortunately, as they don't seem to see it as a good enough reason not to attend.

Good on the bride for being considerate of a child with disabilities and their parent, and also of breastfed babies. It sounds like she is being considerate and she probably has so many people to keep happy in many ways - as well as trying to focus on actually getting married. The complaining friends should stop being so selfish and just accept it's just one of those things. Can't believe they've complained to you about this.

@FinksMeNot

I think the main issue is, bride has now said by baby in arms means no baby over 3 months One of our friends has a DC aged 5 months, exclusively BF

We also have a friend who's absolutely skint and can't afford a babysitter, has no family to help. Why can't she be an exception too, they're wanting to know?

I feel really bad, and a bit lost on what to do. Bride is insisting I feel comfortable taking DS but I don't think she's thought it through. He would absolutely ruin the service so I won't be taking him

The ‘friends’ sound like arseholes. And the bride friend sounds lovely and pragmatic.

If they’re totally skint to the point of not affording to have a babysitter, they can’t afford to come to the wedding. When you have a child, you unfortunately have to make sacrifices :(

@justmaybenot

Good on the bride for being considerate of a child with disabilities and their parent, and also of breastfed babies. It sounds like she is being considerate and she probably has so many people to keep happy in many ways - as well as trying to focus on actually getting married. The complaining friends should stop being so selfish and just accept it's just one of those things. Can't believe they've complained to you about this.

But she's not really being considerate of BF babies - Any baby over 3 months can't come remember

It's up to the bride and groom who they invite

However if they are putting a guilt trip on the other parents that is also wrong. Other parent should either accept and get a babysitter, or politely decline - either option is fine. But if they have said 'sorry we can't come I'm really not comfortable leaving DC with a babysitter, I hope you have a wonderrful wedding and look forward to seeing the photos' and then the bride has started with 'but you HAVE to come, you can leave DC with X/Y/Z' then Bride is also wrong

I can also see myself being hurt if I was a sibling of the person getting married and was told my child (so niece or nephew of the happy couple couldn't come) but their friend's child could - regardless of disability. I know thats irrational and not fair as I do get the difficulties a parent of a disabled child must face when trying to get a babysitter, but that doesn't seem to apply here (BTW I wouldn't feel that way if I were the same level as the other parent)

I think the bride is being reasonable and kind, understanding that’s babes in arms and you DC likely need to come for you to be there. The rest of them can stay home if they like and save her some money!

And maybe she just likes you more than the other ladies with babies

And as you're not even taking up the invitation to bring your child, nobody's nose needs to be out of joint.
Surely if you don't like the way an event is organised, you just decline the invitation - rather than demand that it's restructured to suit you?

But she's not really being considerate of BF babies - Any baby over 3 months can't come remember

So this bride to be has been considerate enough to make accomodations for you child's situation, she has been considerate and kind to you but still you are slagging her off, WTF do you want OP, do you want her to have every crèche in the county at her wedding, she has made her choice to suit her circumstances but still her "friends" are slagging her off behind her back. Stay home if you're so offended and stop being two faced about her.

But she's not really being considerate of BF babies - Any baby over 3 months can't come remember

Those parents just need to decline the invitation. SIMPLE.

Wow just realised you are the one that thinks the bride is being unreasonable. She could do with a better set of friends.

What kind of moron would begrudge a baby in arms being allowed to go?

Imagine the bride saw this thread, and what OP was saying. Ouch.

Weddings involve some tough decisions, shame the brides friends can’t be more supportive.

She needs better friends.

Her wedding her choice.
You’re completely entitled to decline the invitation for whatever reason just as she is completely entitled to not want certain guests there. Live and let live.

God I really hate the expression “baby in arms”. I can’t believe people even say that in real life

I think she’s not thought this through, she should have had all kids or no kids full stop.

She's being considerate.

I can't believe that she's made an exception for YOUR disabled child and yet YOU are bitching about her.

Not all disabled children can be easily looked after by other people, yours can. Yay for you, but what if you couldn't leave him, surely you'd appreciate the special invitation???

She's being daft about the 3 months, but maybe she thinks that that specific baby would cry all the way through the ceremony or maybe she wants to exclude others and by making an age cut off they won't attend.

The other friend can simply say the baby is exclusively BF so she is unable to attend (if they don't have a room at the venue - if they have a room she can get a babysitter and just nip up to breastfeed) When I was younger I used to do a lot of wedding venue babysitting.

But I think you are being odd questioning her thoughtfulness.

My nephew's fiancee said no children and, as it was a school day (and 100 miles away), my daughter didn't go as her 8-yr old had nobody apart from me for childcare. 2 yrs later they took their toddler on a plane to Australia for her bf's child-free wedding. He cried all the way through but nephew's wife just said 'that's what they do at that age'. I think the bride sounds lovely and who they have or haven't asked is none of your business. You've made your decision not to go so nothing to do with you really - let the others flounce without involving you.

*Weddings involve some tough decisions, shame the brides friends can’t be more supportive.

She needs better friends.*

Or at least be adults and ask her about it instead of complaining about her behind her back and to strangers on the Internet. OP has yet to say if the bride knows these things other than that she and other friends don’t agree with the bride’s decisions.

Regardless of how you or your friends feel about it, you all can choose not to go if you can’t be bothered to talk to the bride about it or don’t like how she’s done things. It doesn’t sound like any of you or the friends are in the wedding party and it’s a bit of a drip feed if you actually are and even worse if you’re still discussing her behind her back.
I also agree with another poster who has said it is none of your business or the others on how she chose who could come to HER wedding. Don’t like it, don’t go.

Not all disabled children can be easily looked after by other people, yours can.

Yes! The only people that can look after our 6 yo asd is my parents who live 4,000 miles away so my husband and I depending on the friends involved would go alone to such things even if he was allowed. We’d feel lucky to have such a friend who would still consider us in such a way.

There’s lots of jealously of disabled children supposedly getting advantages but people don’t realise how hard it is and they are not advantages it’s just trying to level the playing field. There was a lot of complaining when children with ehcps were allowed to go into school this last lockdown thst it wasn’t fair. Most people without disabled children are clueless as to what life entails and to be fair I would have been before having an autistic child.

@steff13

I think that the bride and groom can have whomever they like at the wedding. And exclude whomever they like.

This. And also that the guests/ non guests can have feelings and opinions about the choices that the B and G have made.

But I think you are being odd questioning her thoughtfulness

Odder than odd. Makes me wonder WTF the AIBU is.