Friend not allowing DC to wedding BUT baby in arms...

[FinksMeNot]

Friend has sent out invites for wedding. No DC but baby in arms welcome. However, she's given the go ahead for a disabled DC of 3 to come

Other friends in same circle not happy about this as they also have DC around age 3 so think they should be allowed to come too...

What do you think?

@CoffeeRunner

I would think that leaving or finding suitable childcare for a disabled child to be significantly more difficult than for most.

I would therefore assume that the bride & groom had based their decision on this in the interests of fairness..

Or they just like the OP and her child more than the other people's children and actually WANT both of them at their wedding?

Once again this is a situation where parents think the world should change to suit them.

The couple do not want children at the wedding but have made an exception for a disabled child, knowing probably that it's harder to find childcare for children with additional needs.

The "friends" without a child can either not go, or find a babysitter. If they don't trust babysitters and don't want to leave the child, that isn't the couples' problem. I

@FinksMeNot

I won't actually be taking friend up on her kind offer, I want a night away too!

I always find it a bit off when people say 'their wedding, their choice'. It's a bit like 'their birthday party, their choice who they invite'. Which of course it is, but doesn't make it any better if the behaviour is a bit odd and unfriendly

DS will happily settle with anyone thankfully, although it'll be early hours before he goes to sleep...

A wedding is not the same thing as a birthday. It costs a huge amount per head which birthday's generally don't, and a large amount of it is actually a formal ceremony that kids aren't great at respecting, which again rarely comes up on people's birthdays. I think it is a false equivalence.

They shouldn’t have made it common knowledge that there was an exception being made for your child, if you weren’t going to bring them. It’s now opened up a bit of a can of worms with others who may not have childcare or don’t want to leave their DC.

Don’t get me wrong, I think the friend was right to make the exception but now others feel there is wiggle room on the no children rule.

This is the problem with making exceptions, better to just go totally childfree if that’s what they want and accept that some might not come. If people are very keen on attending most can find a way. Or alternatively just invite all the children, half and half is always going to be difficult

I think your friend was right to make an exception for a disabled child. But not for babes in arms who can be more of a nuisance than older children.

I can see why they are fed up but presumably the DC with disabilities has additional needs that maybe the parents do not feel comfortable with baby sitters/grandparents etc for a whole day/night? Personally I wouldn't want to take my 3 year old to a wedding but he has no additional needs so I know he will have a better time with my mum than he would at a wedding. Also weddings are expensive and the day of the bride/groom so really they should be able to choose.

@AnUnoriginalUsername

Sounds like she's being reasonable to me.

Me too.

I've always thought that child free weddings should make exceptions for babes in arms, especially as they're likely to be breast fed. Even if they're onto solids, the parents would likely just give a small amount from their own plate and/or bring their own food for the baby, so it's unlikely they'll need an extra meal. I imagine most venues would have a small amount of high chairs.

I can't see the issue with a disabled child either. It's likely the parents struggle to get a reliable babysitter.

@topwings

It's a wedding, not a democracy. They can invite whoever they want.

Fully agree!

@Viviennemary

I think your friend was right to make an exception for a disabled child. But not for babes in arms who can be more of a nuisance than older children.

Really? I'm not a parent but the only issue with a baby would be occasional crying. They're unlikely to be running round getting in the way, drinking Grandad's beer and stepping on the bride's train.

Babies and young children are both disruptive, they get bored, cry and it totally changes the dynamic of a wedding. If you’re at an age where lots of friends have kids I’d personally just embrace and accept it and provide something for them to do but I totally respect it’s up to the bride and groom. I’ve left a small bf baby for an afternoon wedding, it is doable although inconvenient. But it’s totally up to the couple, it’s very unreasonable to moan or ask for an invitation for the kids because of x,y or z. Your child has been invited theirs haven’t, they just need to get on with it!

Nothing like a wedding for finding out who your friends are!

Really!! Zzzzzz obviously your friend is trying to be considerate - babies in arms covers breast fed babies and excludes toddlers / infants crashing around the place and do you really begrudge a little girl with disabilities a special day out! Your friend is trying to be kind. Try it some time. You could always decline your invite and stay at home with your dc if it bothers you that much.

@Yaya26

Really!! Zzzzzz obviously your friend is trying to be considerate - babies in arms covers breast fed babies and excludes toddlers / infants crashing around the place and do you really begrudge a little girl with disabilities a special day out! Your friend is trying to be kind. Try it some time. You could always decline your invite and stay at home with your dc if it bothers you that much.

OP is the mother of the disabled child. People really need to RTWT here!

The friends need to wind their necks in! My friend had a child free wedding, our DC was 6 months old and we left him for the evening with GPs, showed out faces and didn't stay too long. There were other babies, close friend and family babies, there.
Didn't occur to me to be miffed about that. I could see the distinction.

Their wedding their choice.

Perfectly acceptable to make an exception for babies in arms ,who are harder to leave, and a disabled child, which this may also apply to. The friends need to wind their necks in. They must be so daft if they can't see the distinction! I would have thought the last year would have taught people about keeping things in perspective. Honestly.

@FinksMeNot

I won't actually be taking friend up on her kind offer, I want a night away too!

I always find it a bit off when people say 'their wedding, their choice'. It's a bit like 'their birthday party, their choice who they invite'. Which of course it is, but doesn't make it any better if the behaviour is a bit odd and unfriendly

DS will happily settle with anyone thankfully, although it'll be early hours before he goes to sleep...

Great move.

You can smile and say

"Disability perks. There has to be some advantage right?"

And look them.in the eye ....

If this is the first time you’ve had some kind of exemption because of your disabled child, you’ve done well so far.

It certainly won’t be the last and a whole lot of people without disabled children will decide they are being unfairly treated and will probably tell you so. DD is 12 and we get it frequently. I offer to swap their lives with mine then we’ll see who has the better end of the deal.

I think it's great that the bride and groom are making an exception for a disabled child.

What a bunch of entitled twats your so called "friends" are. Just ask them if they have ever heard of the Equality Act and reasonable adjustments.

If this is the first time you’ve had some kind of exemption because of your disabled child, you’ve done well so far.

How true. My own sisters exclude me from things “because they don’t think my disabled son would handle it” (they both have children the same age as him).
Would be nice to be offered 🙄

Apologies @FinksMeNot and @aSofaNearYou I really should have read all OPs comments. I got completely the wrong end of stick. 🤐

I hate people who get stressy about their children not being invited to weddings, but it does cause upset when exceptions are made. Some exceptions eg family children only are reasonable, some aren’t.

An exception for a disabled child is in my opinion clearly reasonable and your friends are dicks if that’s what they’re upset about.

I don’t think the babes in arms exception is great personally and if these friends are struggling for childcare and moaning about a 7 month old being allowed, I have more sympathy (I could have left my daughter aged 7 months far more easily than I could now she’s 2 and gets frightened when I’m gone) - but I still say it’s up to the bride and groom.

We have a severely disabled 5 year old. Also been invited to a family wedding this summer. Kids not invited which is fine but due to distance & lack of childcare it’s unlikely I will be able to go. Daughter has medical needs that mean basically myself or my husband are with her at all times out with a few hours a day in nursery.

Options are I go alone which leaves my husband home for 3 days (distance to wedding is a 6.5 hour car drive or 8+ hours on public transport each way) with sole care for our daughter & her high needs alone or I don’t go.

I personally think it’s very considerate that the bride has offered this. In our case it would mean we could go. We have an older daughter who I would have many childcare options whether that be leaving her with friends where we live or taking her with us to wedding town where I grew up & asking family on the other side to have her for the day of the wedding. Neither of these option are available to us for our youngest (who wouldn’t cost a penny to attend wedding as she is partially tube fed & has a particular puréed diet).

Personally the other ‘friends’ should consider themselves grateful they don’t have these things to consider in their lives!

I don’t think the babes in arms exception is great personally and if these friends are struggling for childcare and moaning about a 7 month old being allowed, I have more sympathy (I could have left my daughter aged 7 months far more easily than I could now she’s 2 and gets frightened when I’m gone) - but I still say it’s up to the bride and groom.

I could have done too but I see a huge amount of people on here posting that they've been invited to a child free wedding but surely that doesn't apply to breastfed babies? I imagine this exemption is a reflection of that.