My sibling was hidden from me for 25 years. AIBU

[Wedidntknow]

Seven years before I was born my mother (early 30s at the time) gave birth to a baby who she gave up for adoption from birth. The baby was the result of a fling much like I was

Sadly, and it makes me sick to say this, the babies skin colour was a driving factor in her relinquishing him as from what I'm told my grandfather (now deceased) heavily dissaproved of her having a child of colour and had quite alot of influence.

I was raised as an only child and found out about my sibling by accident when I was 25. I asked my mother to sit down for a serious conversation about something totally unrelated and she thought I'd found out about my sibling - she rushed to defend her actions whilst I sat there gob smacked as I had absolutely no idea.

I managed to trace him via the adoption agency and now we are in one anothers lives. He had no idea about me either as she never bothered to send updates, give answers or provide any information for him at all.

AIBU to be angry that we were robbed of the opportunity to know the other existed?

Would you be?

Your feelings of anger are very valid.
However, I think I’d want to understand more about your grandfather - was he an abusive bully and would she have been financially dependent on him to keep her son?

Actually I think your mum had a right to a private life.
This must have been a very stressful and upsetting time for her, and maybe her way of dealing with it was to forget it happened.
Your actually only thinking of how you feel, and you have not had decades of pain and hurt to deal with.

@Cocomarine

Your feelings of anger are very valid. However, I think I’d want to understand more about your grandfather - was he an abusive bully and would she have been financially dependent on him to keep her son?

He wasn't a violent no (I've dug deep to find out whether that was the case)

He was, unfortunately, very 'old school' AKA racist.

She wasn't financially dependent on him but very easily swayed by his influence, not a very intelligent woman emotionally or otherwise.

When she fell pregnant with me some years later my grandparents reacted very differently because my father was white. I was welcomed into the fold and my brother was never mentioned again, at least not within ear shot of me.

Heartbreaking.

I'm so happy for you that you are enjoying being in each other's lives.

I don't think your anger is unreasonable. But it is pointless.

Your mum made decisions at the time that she might not make today. Or maybe she would. You weren't in her shoes and you can't be. You can't change what's happened. Try to accept and look to the future.

@Whythesadface

Actually I think your mum had a right to a private life. This must have been a very stressful and upsetting time for her, and maybe her way of dealing with it was to forget it happened. Your actually only thinking of how you feel, and you have not had decades of pain and hurt to deal with.

It's not just about her though is it?

He grew up knowing next to nothing about where he came from and why he was given up, has never had a true feeling of belonging or identity.

If she didn't want / couldn't handle a relationship with him then that is entirely her prerogative, but we are blood relatives and should have the right to decide for ourselves surely.

It is heartbreaking. I’m very sorry but glad you’ve finally managed to reconnect to your brother. Your DM does still have the right to privacy in her own life, and for the decisions she made. I doubt she didn’t tell you out of spite.

@BoomBoomsCousin

I'm so happy for you that you are enjoying being in each other's lives.

I don't think your anger is unreasonable. But it is pointless.

Your mum made decisions at the time that she might not make today. Or maybe she would. You weren't in her shoes and you can't be. You can't change what's happened. Try to accept and look to the future.

Thank you, has an incredible person and I'm thankful to have him in my life and vice versa.

You raise a good point.

This all came to light two years ago, the anger has resurfaced tonight after watching long lost families (I know)

I didn’t ask if he was violent. Abusive bullies are t always violent. When you say she isn’t intelligent - do you mean she has learning difficulties? What about her mother - where was she when racist father was putting pressure on her to give up her son?

I am sure I would be as angry as you. But when you say she lacks emotional intelligence, that’s what you have to make sure that you don’t do - in relation to this situation.

@CausingChaos2

It is heartbreaking. I’m very sorry but glad you’ve finally managed to reconnect to your brother. Your DM does still have the right to privacy in her own life, and for the decisions she made. I doubt she didn’t tell you out of spite.

I don't think her silence about it was coming from a place of spite, more so shame and not wanting to open Pandoras box so to speak.

Unfortunately he still doesn't have many answers as she hasn't been able to 'remember' details about his father, nor has she ever been able to give me concrete details about mine.

Hi, no one can vote (IMO) unless they’ve been in this situation. I was given up for adoption 39 years ago, I’ve no idea who gave birth to me, what the situation was. That’s how it was back then and I’ve made leave with it.

Your poor mother was in a terrible situation where she had no support and was being forced to give her child up for adoption. She’s been shamed enough, surly you can show some compassion?

No judgement from me for either side, it’s a very emotional Journey for everyone involved.

It’s great you and he have now formed such a bond.

I don’t think you have any business being angry with your mum. It’s a very tough decision to give up a baby and she’ll have been doing her best at the time. She will also have been carrying a lot of pain and she may have found it easier to keep it locked away.

I suspect you have some separate anger issues with your mum that you should perhaps deal with. But you have to remember she’s human, she was young, and it doesn’t sound like she had a great time with her own parents.

How long ago was this? Because times have really changed and it's not that long ago that this sort of thing would be considered completely unacceptable and a mother in this scenario may have felt she really didn't have much choice.
I think your anger is understandable but I don't know if you are being completely fair to your mum.
Maybe she thought life would be better for him if he was adopted.
I'm sure she has suffered from feelings of guilt and the pain of being separated from her child. I find it hard to imagine that being easy for most people to do.

You sound as though you don't like your mum very much. Things were different in the past and even if she was 30, you don't know what effect her relationship with her father had on her or indeed what effect giving away her child did. Women don't just do it willy nilly. Perhaps she couldn't face things which is why she didn't give information.

You're entitled to be angry, but she's also entitled to her own private views.

@Cocomarine

I didn’t ask if he was violent. Abusive bullies are t always violent. When you say she isn’t intelligent - do you mean she has learning difficulties? What about her mother - where was she when racist father was putting pressure on her to give up her son?

No diagnosed learning difficulties but she isn't very bright. I don't say that to be spiteful.

Everything I've been told about my grandfather from other family members has been positive. I had a close relationship with him myself until he died when I was a teenager and I don't recall a time he ever rose his voice but he was definitely bigoted.

She’s been shamed enough, surly you can show some compassion?

Outwardly I have shown compassion. I'm not vocal about these feelings I write about here.

I suspect you have some separate anger issues with your mum that you should perhaps deal with.

Yes you would be right about that, I do. I didn't have a good childhood and was neglected alot.

You sound as though you don't like your mum very much

I love her but I don't always like her, we have a strained relationship due to my childhood and the lasting effects of that.

How long ago was this?

He was born in the mid 80s.

Its an incredibly sad story, but you have found each other now.
It sounds as though your mum, even though she wasn't a young mum herself, was very controlled by her father and she probably felt she had no choice. I'm guessing your brother was born in the early 90s, when there were still some very strange attitudes about a womans place in the family. If you need to be angry, be angry at him.

YANBU at all.

There's another thread running at the moment where the OP is pissed off that child relatives let slip that their sibling isn't their full sibling. No word of sympathy or taking responsibility for this bombshell that has deeply hurt her kids. People in these situations seem to take on the self pity route rather than owning the consequences of their actions.

You have every right to be mad, though it doesn't sound like your mum is very sorry! I'm so pleased you found your brother and you are in touch with each other. Good luck with everything my love

Actually I think your mum had a right to a private life

No one has a right to keep things like siblings from their children. Having an actual human is not a private event.

Your poor mother was in a terrible situation where she had no support and was being forced to give her child up for adoption. She’s been shamed enough, surly you can show some compassion?

I'm adopted and agree with this. I'm quite shocked with how dismissive you are of her experience. She carried and gave birth to a child who she clearly felt pressure into giving up for adoption and / or didn't feel capable of caring for. Can you not imagine how traumatic that is?

I was born in 1987 so not far off when your mum went through this. My birth mother had pressure due to being Irish Catholic and not married. Times were different, choices were limited and she did the right thing by placing me somewhere she thought was safe. A hospital in her case. Dangerous but the best she could do.

Please, as an adopted person myself, close your eyes and imagine the actual experience of her going through pregnancy and childbirth then walking away from her baby likely in pain physically and emotionally, because she felt there was no other option available to her.

Don't make this about you. It isn't, at all, no matter how you feel about her within your own relationship with her.

If she had kept her first son and raised him, you probably wouldn’t exist. She wouldn’t have gone on to meet your father etc. So a weird one to be angry about (although I appreciate feelings aren’t logical).

Should she have let you know sooner, so you could form a bond sooner, and your brother have a sense of identity - yes arguably.

If you need to be angry, be angry at him.

I am. If he were alive now I wouldn't have forgiven him. I feel as though the lovely relationship we had was based on a lie and I certainly wouldn't want his love if it came on the condition of my skin colour.

I know things were very different back then I just can't fathom relinquishing my child under those circumstances, and I say that as the mother of two mixed race children.

Anybody who thought badly of them (or me) on account of their heritage would have no place in my life.

No one has a right to keep things like siblings from their children. Having an actual human is not a private event.

It's likely a painful, traumatic one when you are unable to take care of that baby or coerced into believing you can't. Nobody does that lightly.

Please try to have compassion for women who do. My birth mother did and I feel so much sympathy for her. If she hasn't told her children, if she's had them, I understand her decision. Partly because I probably wouldn't choose to have contact and would feel so shaken up if they got in touch because as far as I'm concerned she should be the gatekeeper to my past.

While some wouldn't feel that way, many do - I obviously have lots of friends who are adopted over the years through charities and clubs.

Some have been almost ambushed by half siblings on things like Facebook and it's been hugely upsetting and in some cases traumatic for them.

They could be going through anything in their own life the day a half sibling goes in touch and it throws them off course completely especially as they are unlikely to have ever had contact with their birth parent if their half sibling is getting in touch out of the blue.

To clarify - I'm not being critical of the OP's mum giving up the baby. I can't imagine the pain and trauma of that. It's about the hiding and keeping that from her adult child. It may not be easy but it's an action that has consequences and OP's feelings are entirely valid.

Dear OP, I was conceived via a sperm donor, and my parents concealed this from me. I found out by accident as a teenager.

I can relate to many of your feelings but I'm afraid that often such feelings are angrily squashed by people who don't understand -- as has happened on this thread. In my case it was basically "Shut up and be grateful". Time and again adults' feelings are supposed to completely trump children's needs and rights.

You've been lied to, and unfairly deprived of a relationship with your own brother, because of your mother's cowardice. It wasn't as if she was a teenager at the time of your brother's birth!

You have every right to all your feelings and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.