My sibling was hidden from me for 25 years. AIBU

[Wedidntknow]

Seven years before I was born my mother (early 30s at the time) gave birth to a baby who she gave up for adoption from birth. The baby was the result of a fling much like I was

Sadly, and it makes me sick to say this, the babies skin colour was a driving factor in her relinquishing him as from what I'm told my grandfather (now deceased) heavily dissaproved of her having a child of colour and had quite alot of influence.

I was raised as an only child and found out about my sibling by accident when I was 25. I asked my mother to sit down for a serious conversation about something totally unrelated and she thought I'd found out about my sibling - she rushed to defend her actions whilst I sat there gob smacked as I had absolutely no idea.

I managed to trace him via the adoption agency and now we are in one anothers lives. He had no idea about me either as she never bothered to send updates, give answers or provide any information for him at all.

AIBU to be angry that we were robbed of the opportunity to know the other existed?

Would you be?

@DumbestBlonde

That bloody programme! I hate it - or I did; I will not watch it. And look what has happened for you OP, it has reopened old wounds that will probably never fully heal anyway

I was NOT adopted (I wish I had been)- but was taken away from my mother when I was three years old. I left behind my younger sister, and never saw her or my mother until I was 16. i only met my mother's father once, not long before he died. My mother had prevented it. He broke down when we met, which was sad.

That same year, a young man was looking for his birth family - and it turned out he was my (full) brother, who had come into the world, just as I was taken away from my mother (I apparently witnessed his birth at "home" weighing less than 2lb). He was in an incubator for 6 weeks and then went straight to his adoptive parents; my mother deliberated over the decision. Apparently.

My father to this day denies that he was ever told (my mother said she called him the day my brother was born, but he hung up on her after she told him about his son). And to THIS DAY like to cast doubt on my brother's paternity.

The big things is though - that NO-ONE told me that he even exisied! I of course agreed to meet him - and we got on very well. But I was effectively a conduit to his birth parents; mother agreed straight away - and he connected nicely with her and her other children (not me - I was left out of the first Christmas in case I "caused upset") - for a while.

My (his) father on the other hand - although I told him immediately - said that (my brother) could "call in if he was passing". He lived in the South France at the time! It took 12 years for them to get together, and that was all on my father. I hate him for it; and for things that he has said subsequently.

One of the main reasons we - or I at least - should have been told is, given how well we got on (at first), it does not bear thinking about should we have met NOT knowing that we were brother and sister (!)
As it was, he became unsettled with his girlfriends because he "wanted one like me" (?) I was married and early prregnant at the time we met, but had I not been and had met someone who was on the same wavelength ---- well........

Somebody - at some point - should have told me that he existed, and something of his story of coming into the world. Two - or more - wrongs don't make a right.

Both of my parents threw me away (and still do, given the chance) and yet went on to have children in other marriages. One of my mother's daughters died as an infant. As far as I am concerned, that is absolute justice.

A few years ago - I found out that I have another half-sister from my father's second marriage. I connected a little with the family of my ex-stepmother for a short time - but to be honest - it is just to bloody hard to be an outsider to so many different families.

I seriously do hate programmes like LLF for these and many other reasons - let alone, making entertainmant out of heartbreak really REALLY pisses me off.

I'm so sorry. Your post gave me a lump in my throat.

Yes I will probably never watch it again as it almost always upsets me. I don't know why I do it to myself.

Today was a perfectly good day, spoiled within one short hour, and now I'm laid in bed awake much later than I should be - ranting online about things that I wasn't delving into on a day to day basis.

I really hope you find peace. It's a minefield trying to process these things isn't it.

I had a child in the 80s. I don't know anyone who would have thrown their child out if they were pregnant with a mixed race child. Racism was not acceptable then.

Not acceptable among people who weren't racist, but rampant in families who were racist and in which young people who were raised in such families thought was normal and impossible to fight. OP's mother I doubt made this decision flippantly and would have been under intolerable pressure from a racist and abusive father. I am honestly not trying to be combative or argumentative but I think if you've not been raised in such a family, it's maybe hard to understand how intolerable that would be. My birth mother on paper could have kept me - it was 1987 and she 'could' have had help from the state etc, but she wouldn't have felt that was possible due to coming from a religious family who would have disowned her and the deep shame that was engrained in her by them from childhood.

Adoption is so complex. I'm adopted. I've met a 1/2 sibling & my BM which I'm grateful for, but no desire to do more. They aren't my family. I have an adopted family. Not perfect but where I grew up. I now have my own family.
Don't judge others on really tough decisions that were made a long time ago.
OP are you in contact with the child you gave up for adoption yourself?
Are they part of your life?
I think it's harsh to judge your grandparents who were from another era when you yourself have given up a child? You had your own reasons too.

Not the same at all because the child isn’t mine but my children have a half sibling they don’t know about (on their dads side) I haven’t told them and I have my reasons for that and they won’t be having contact with him anyway so I won’t be telling them about him. Yes a different situation but still the same about having a half sibling that you don’t know about, I think although I can understand your upset your mum obviously had her reasons, I would try to he more understanding.

@DumbestBlonde

That bloody programme! I hate it - or I did; I will not watch it. And look what has happened for you OP, it has reopened old wounds that will probably never fully heal anyway

I was NOT adopted (I wish I had been)- but was taken away from my mother when I was three years old. I left behind my younger sister, and never saw her or my mother until I was 16. i only met my mother's father once, not long before he died. My mother had prevented it. He broke down when we met, which was sad.

That same year, a young man was looking for his birth family - and it turned out he was my (full) brother, who had come into the world, just as I was taken away from my mother (I apparently witnessed his birth at "home" weighing less than 2lb). He was in an incubator for 6 weeks and then went straight to his adoptive parents; my mother deliberated over the decision. Apparently.

My father to this day denies that he was ever told (my mother said she called him the day my brother was born, but he hung up on her after she told him about his son). And to THIS DAY like to cast doubt on my brother's paternity.

The big things is though - that NO-ONE told me that he even exisied! I of course agreed to meet him - and we got on very well. But I was effectively a conduit to his birth parents; mother agreed straight away - and he connected nicely with her and her other children (not me - I was left out of the first Christmas in case I "caused upset") - for a while.

My (his) father on the other hand - although I told him immediately - said that (my brother) could "call in if he was passing". He lived in the South France at the time! It took 12 years for them to get together, and that was all on my father. I hate him for it; and for things that he has said subsequently.

One of the main reasons we - or I at least - should have been told is, given how well we got on (at first), it does not bear thinking about should we have met NOT knowing that we were brother and sister (!)
As it was, he became unsettled with his girlfriends because he "wanted one like me" (?) I was married and early prregnant at the time we met, but had I not been and had met someone who was on the same wavelength ---- well........

Somebody - at some point - should have told me that he existed, and something of his story of coming into the world. Two - or more - wrongs don't make a right.

Both of my parents threw me away (and still do, given the chance) and yet went on to have children in other marriages. One of my mother's daughters died as an infant. As far as I am concerned, that is absolute justice.

A few years ago - I found out that I have another half-sister from my father's second marriage. I connected a little with the family of my ex-stepmother for a short time - but to be honest - it is just to bloody hard to be an outsider to so many different families.

I seriously do hate programmes like LLF for these and many other reasons - let alone, making entertainmant out of heartbreak really REALLY pisses me off.

I am so, so sorry for your trauma. I cannot imagine some of what you've been through. But this comment "One of my mother's daughters died as an infant. As far as I am concerned, that is absolute justice" is absolutely horrific. A child died.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

My birth mother would 100% have been disowned from her family if she had kept me. For example, th laundries in Ireland didnt close until 1996.

I know that Irish Catholic is difference to mixed race, but my point is that while the 80s and even 90s sound and to some feel like a long time ago - to people raised in very religions or racist families, going outside of what was 'acceptable' felt almost impossible even then.

This. My BM was given no option. But still loved the very parents that would have thrown her out of out her in a home like this if she hadn't given me away

@Blossomtoes

One of my mother's daughters died as an infant. As far as I am concerned, that is absolute justice

Jesus, and I’m accused of shitty comments. There’s no justice in a baby dying.

I knew that would get picked up on. I understand your opinion. It was judgement on my mother. She should NOT have been having any more children. And that's what I -as the very injured party - choose to believe.

Strangely, I have only just recently started to think this way.
Until the last few years I was grovelling and pleading for scraps from the table. And was still met with disdain and contempt.

She has told me more than once that I should not have been born, that even the foster parents didn't want me and the worst thing she did was writing to me when I was 16 - and both she and my father tried to kill me one way or another in the three years (less in the case of my father) I was with them

I do not care that that baby died. Why should I? And besides, she is probably better off in heaven.

Something similar happened to me a couple of years ago.

I found out I had a brother born when my mum was 18, she had to give him up for adoption because my grandfather refused to allow her to keep him.

She then married my dad a couple of years later had my brothers then me and it was never mentioned.

I found out when I was contacted via ancestry.co.uk. It was quite a shock as my mum had died probably about seven years before. My aunt knew but hadn’t told me, and a cousin and of course, my dad.

I’m so sad and angry at the lost years and at my dad for not allowing my mum to look for her son when she was alive. Also for no one telling me after she had died.

To add about my mother - unfortunately she is and always has been quite bigoted herself, which beggars belief as she had a brief but completely consensual relationship with a black man.

She has to bite her tongue around me as I abhor racism of any kind but I can tell you that my grandfather's contempt for BAME people most definitely rubbed off on her.

But am I scapegoating him to justify her own prejudices now?

Sure, i fully believe he had an influence in her relinquishing my brother but even after all these years, long since his passing, she occasionally makes 'throwaway' comments about people from other backgrounds herself.

@Litthefirealready that's so sad, I'm sorry you went through that. Did you get in touch with your sibling?

Everyone on this thread deprived of relationships with your blood relatives - your feelings of hurt and anger are entirely valid. Those feelings do not invalidate anybody else's feelings.

Everyone on this thread deprived of relationships with your blood relatives - your feelings of hurt and anger are entirely valid. Those feelings do not invalidate anybody else's feelings.

I agree but the opposite is also true.

It is equally (if not more true IME) likely that adopted people would not want contact from half siblings as adults.

That feeling should not be invalidated and should be a risk taken into consideration by half siblings who feel they have a right to initiate contact.

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes you're 100% right.

A PP said they hate those bloody long lost family programmes - I hate them too as they portray an unrealistic situation of people running into each other's arms and make it seem so simple. It doesn't show the bit where other family members aren't as welcoming, or it turns out they find out more about the situation and aren't happy, or that bio parents put their other children and their feelings first etc...

OP are you in contact with the child you gave up for adoption yourself?
Are they part of your life?
I think it's harsh to judge your grandparents who were from another era when you yourself have given up a child? You had your own reasons too

I didn't give up my child, he was taken at birth from the hospital by SS who concluded that I couldn't look after him and keep him safe.

I fell pregnant at 17 to an abusive man, after being abandoned age 16 by my mother who moved to the other side of the country leaving me to fend for myself.

I tried very hard to get my child back but SS concluded that he should be adopted because I couldn't guarantee my/his safety.

I got zero support from them but that's another thread, which I have on here on the legal matters board from some years ago.

I have a relationship with him via the letterbox contact channel and his adoptive parents have assured me that they will support direct contact in the future if that's what he wants.

I didn't give him up and never would have.

@saraclara

I am old enough to have had a child in the 80’s. If I had come home pregnant , out of wedlock with a mixed race child I would have been thrown out

I had a child in the 80s. I don't know anyone who would have thrown their child out if they were pregnant with a mixed race child. Racism was not acceptable then. 60s yes.89s no. My friend was a single mum of a mixed race child and no-one turned a hair.
OP's grandad wasn't a product of his time in the way my grandparents were in the 50s/60s. . And the mum was 30, not 16. So he must have been unusually bigoted and scary enough that she did his bidding, at 30.

Then you didn’t grow up in rural Devon. There are areas it would still be gossiped and frowned about now. As to the poster who said that there were benefits and support again that depends where in the country you lived.

He was, unfortunately, very 'old school' AKA racist.

In light of this I can totally see why she wouldn’t want to raise her child around this man. Perhaps moving away and raising him out of her fathers reach wasn’t possible. In that case she did the right thing for the child.

OP/Wedidntknow - Try not to dwell now...... That sodding programme has a lot to answer for, and you would be wise not watch it any more. It will always trigger you, I should have thought.

I have been the ultiate masochist throughout my life - walking towards trouble instead of away from it, and being a bit of a drama queen sometimes. But I know and accept that I am quite a damaged person, and it is not all my fault.

Your situation is unique to you, and only you can take the time to figure out the best and kindest way to deal with it and move forwards. I am not a fan of the phrase "move on" - but that is inevitably what happens..... whether we like or want to, or not.

Don't perpetuate the discusion on here if it is too exhausting, as these things can be --- so so sooo many opinions. Cut yourself some slack and gve yourself a big hug and get some rest. Nothing anyone says can diminish what you feel and you will tie yourself in knots trying to see all other perpectives. Just take from this what you can - and never watch LLF if you can help it.

All the best for now - from someone who understands.

I'm adopted. I have never searched for my birth family. Not sure how I would feel if someone contacted me saying they were related to me. My adoptive family is my family.

OP saying your mother never contacted your brother and kept him updated about you, was she able to?

@DumbestBlonde

OP/Wedidntknow - Try not to dwell now...... That sodding programme has a lot to answer for, and you would be wise not watch it any more. It will always trigger you, I should have thought.

I have been the ultiate masochist throughout my life - walking towards trouble instead of away from it, and being a bit of a drama queen sometimes. But I know and accept that I am quite a damaged person, and it is not all my fault.

Your situation is unique to you, and only you can take the time to figure out the best and kindest way to deal with it and move forwards. I am not a fan of the phrase "move on" - but that is inevitably what happens..... whether we like or want to, or not.

Don't perpetuate the discusion on here if it is too exhausting, as these things can be --- so so sooo many opinions. Cut yourself some slack and gve yourself a big hug and get some rest. Nothing anyone says can diminish what you feel and you will tie yourself in knots trying to see all other perpectives. Just take from this what you can - and never watch LLF if you can help it.

All the best for now - from someone who understands.

Thank you, I really appreciate that and your personal perspective on the thread.

I won't be watching that program again, it's now officially banned in this house.

I have been the ultiate masochist throughout my life - walking towards trouble instead of away from it, and being a bit of a drama queen sometimes. But I know and accept that I am quite a damaged person, and it is not all my fault

I could have written this!

I will try to get some rest now. I should've been asleep two hours ago and I'll surely pay for this tomorrow when I'm up at the crack of dawn.

Ugh

My husband was adopted. He has no desire to have contact his birth family. I don’t understand that, but I respect it is his choice.
He did take Ancestry DNA and as I am interested in genealogy, I have narrowed down his mother and father’s families. I wish there was a way to have contact, but DH isn’t bothered and his half siblings may not now he exists. There are some first cousin matches who have not made contact with him, which I find odd. I think we all have different feelings, all of them are valid. It is a shame to not know of birth relatives, aa it feels like a choice is removed.

OP saying your mother never contacted your brother and kept him updated about you, was she able to?

Yes she was.

The adoption agency welcomed updates from birth families as they did/do alot of work with the adopted person when they reach adulthood and request their file.

She could have called or sent a letter to the adoption agency at any time, whom then would have added updates to his file IE where she had moved to, siblings born etc.

@ineedaholidaynow

I'm adopted. I have never searched for my birth family. Not sure how I would feel if someone contacted me saying they were related to me. My adoptive family is my family

This is how me and almost all of my adopted friends feel. I appreciate some people with adopted relatives will say their adopted relatives don't feel that way, but the potential that an adopted relative could feel that way (or is likely to) isn't taken into account as often as it should. The level of upset it could cause them to hear from their biological family could be huge.

Shows like 'long lost family' have a lot to answer for. My family is my family, I grew up with them and they love me just as much as they would do if I shared their DNA.

I absolutely appreciate some people don't feel that way, but often feel like the feelings of people with my stance on it are dismissed quite casually.

I appreciate hearing from adoptees here, it's always interesting to hear perspectives from both sides of the coin.

I'm very thankful that in this case my brother did want a relationship with me, but I know that isn't the case for all.

@BluePeterVag

My husband was adopted. He has no desire to have contact his birth family. I don’t understand that, but I respect it is his choice. He did take Ancestry DNA and as I am interested in genealogy, I have narrowed down his mother and father’s families. I wish there was a way to have contact, but DH isn’t bothered and his half siblings may not now he exists. There are some first cousin matches who have not made contact with him, which I find odd. I think we all have different feelings, all of them are valid. It is a shame to not know of birth relatives, aa it feels like a choice is removed.

It is a shame to not know of birth relatives, aa it feels like a choice is removed.

I appreciate you think you would feel that way if you were adopted and it's good you respect the fact your DH doesnt.

But the default opinion that it's a 'shame' people don't know their birth relatives is quite dismissive and invalidating of adoptive families. Even that term is a bit rubbish for me and my parents - I don't think of them as my adoptive family. They're my family. They raised me and love me. I'm theirs.

I don't feel something is missing or lesser than. Some people who are adopted do feel that way. Many don't. Both feelings are equally valid. But the assumption from people who aren't adopted that it's sad people don't know their birth families can be harmful to adopted people, especially kids. That stance is played out in the media often as a default which is a real shame.

I found out at 26 that I have a half-sibling. My mother had got pregnant in the days before the Abortion Act. Finding this out really shook me up, because I had had no idea at all, and if my parents and their parents and siblings had all known this, what else might I have not been told?

My mother just didn't deal with anything vaguely emotionally difficult- never apologised for things and so on, just went on as if it had never happened, so in one sense, this was no different. But equally, I can see how it would never be the right time. First, I would have had to have been old enough to understand, then don't want to upset things like starting school, changing school, exams, dealing with health issues, various other things which went on. It would never have been the right time, and then it would just be something which wasn't talked about, so it was just never talked about, because there were always other things going on. So I can see how it happened that having never had the knowledge, it just never happened that it would be mentioned.

Your situation is different, and you are not me, so your reactions are going to be different, but it resonated with me. I hope you get some peace over it, whatever you decide to do.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@ineedaholidaynow

I'm adopted. I have never searched for my birth family. Not sure how I would feel if someone contacted me saying they were related to me. My adoptive family is my family

This is how me and almost all of my adopted friends feel. I appreciate some people with adopted relatives will say their adopted relatives don't feel that way, but the potential that an adopted relative could feel that way (or is likely to) isn't taken into account as often as it should. The level of upset it could cause them to hear from their biological family could be huge.

Shows like 'long lost family' have a lot to answer for. My family is my family, I grew up with them and they love me just as much as they would do if I shared their DNA.

I absolutely appreciate some people don't feel that way, but often feel like the feelings of people with my stance on it are dismissed quite casually. [/quote]
I agree with this (although I know the post wasn't directed at me). I do believe that every single individual will be different - and it is certainly a romantic and simplistic notion to believe that all adopted children will want to reconnect with their birth families --- or parts of it (if I remember, doesn't LLF go looking for thr most tenuous of connections?). I know that when my brother was looking, it was my (paternal) grandmother who was contacted (strange, given that my father did not believe he was his....) and she delegated the task of meeting him to me as she was then in her late seventies.

Had I been adopted, I could have been protected from the father who was in and out of my life throughout my childhood, messing me up at the time, and for life. And the mother I never knew - who could then - given that I already messed up - just write me a f*ing letter when I was 16, and I being the weakling that I was, would just be grateful for a crumb of affection - and walked into THAT lion's den, and to meet a sister who had been literally trained to hate me - and the golden child half-sister - and even better, the step-brother who had taken my place. And who also raped my sister.

At the same time as my father and THIRD wife popping out and heir and spare and finally living in the same town. Marvellous.

Adoption would have kept me away from all of that. Shame we can't choose to be adopted.....