My sibling was hidden from me for 25 years. AIBU

[Wedidntknow]

Seven years before I was born my mother (early 30s at the time) gave birth to a baby who she gave up for adoption from birth. The baby was the result of a fling much like I was

Sadly, and it makes me sick to say this, the babies skin colour was a driving factor in her relinquishing him as from what I'm told my grandfather (now deceased) heavily dissaproved of her having a child of colour and had quite alot of influence.

I was raised as an only child and found out about my sibling by accident when I was 25. I asked my mother to sit down for a serious conversation about something totally unrelated and she thought I'd found out about my sibling - she rushed to defend her actions whilst I sat there gob smacked as I had absolutely no idea.

I managed to trace him via the adoption agency and now we are in one anothers lives. He had no idea about me either as she never bothered to send updates, give answers or provide any information for him at all.

AIBU to be angry that we were robbed of the opportunity to know the other existed?

Would you be?

One of my mother's daughters died as an infant. As far as I am concerned, that is absolute justice.

That’s one of the most despicable things I’ve ever read. Not just on Mumsnet but anywhere.

@katy1213

I agree, your mother has the right to a private life and no doubt she did the best she could in the circumstances she was in. You don't have a right to know, any more than she has the right to know about your life.

I’m sorry OP but I agree with this.

@AngeloMysterioso

One of my mother's daughters died as an infant. As far as I am concerned, that is absolute justice.

That’s one of the most despicable things I’ve ever read. Not just on Mumsnet but anywhere.

All right. I understand why you think that; I am sure it reads as shocking. But you must have a sheltered life if it's the worst thing you have ever read.... Note, I did NOT wish the baby dead - hell, she is another one I didn't know about at the time. I am stopping just short of saying, "It serves her [my mother] right"..... For all I know she actually DID do harm anyway (shrug) People who neglect, cause harm to, try to abort and then try to kill (and fail) at least one child (i.e. me) should not even give birth to ANY more As I have said, the baby is probably better off in heaven

I've only read half the thread.

I actually like LLF, though I rarely see it. I find it interesting & moving. And coming from a family from hell, I always used to wish that I might suddenly find out that my family wasn't really my family, & that I had a real, better one out there somewhere.

Used to - until I accidentally stumbled across an anomaly in my mother's birth record & mentioned it to my brother who'd been doing genealogy. He told me what he knew & I got a copy of her birth certificate, which proved it: my mother's parents were not the couple I'd been told were my grandparents. At this point I should've been going, "Hallelujah!" & finding my LLF - except my real grandmother was someone else in the family & I disliked her intensely because she was just as bad as the rest of them: I'd had very little contact with her growing up, & what there had been was unpleasant. My real grandfather isn't named on the certificate & it's impossible to find out who he is.

All this had been deliberately kept secret from my brother & me, & when he was told (when he started the genealogy, to preempt his finding out via records), he was told not to tell me, & he hadn't until I found out for myself. What hurt & angered me most was that I'd gone through lots of medical stuff by then - I was in my 50's - & I kept giving family medical histories which, unbeknownst to me, were complete bullshit. Knowing the correct history might've had an impact on my treatment. Yep, that's how much they cared about me.

I felt so sorry for my mother, even though I was well into being NC & she'd died quite young. It explained a lot, & I've no idea when she found out about her history. Her own mother lived a few minutes walk away & I don't rememebr her ever being in our house. I find it hard to get my head round that situation, looking back at it.

My real grandmother went on to have other children, but I have no relationship with them & though I vaguely remember them as OK people, frankly I'm glad to have walked away from the family. It was just easier to give up on the lot of them.

I'm so glad you've found your brother & have a good relationship with him, OP. All the best.

@DumbestBlonde my life hasn’t been sheltered at all. It doesn’t “read as shocking” it’s just evil. It takes a pretty twisted person to refer to a baby dying as justice. Under any circumstances. And I’m being exceptionally restrained by only using the word twisted. As far as I’m concerned you’re no better than either of your parents.

I am adopted and have several full siblings who I learnt about in my 30s. They were only told about me when I went looking for my birth mother (and found birth father too as they married after having me).

They claimed that they had planned to tell their children once the youngest turned 18. Not sure if this is true though and BM tends to romanticize everything.

10 years on my youngest sister is still very sad and angry that she did not grow up with me. It makes me sad but I can’t be angry as otherwise I would not had my wonderful and lovely family that I grew up in.

So lots of mixed emotions on all sides. No one can tell you that your feelings are not valid.

I personally find Long Lost Family as massive trigger and rather Disney version of adoption search and reunion.

I am glad you found out and glad you have a good relationship.

You should be angry with your grandad. However there’s no point to bitterness. Be great full you have each other now and many years ahead

I feel your pain @Wedidntknow My dad had a daughter 14 years before me who was given up for adoption and I didn’t find out until I was 31. We’ve tried to make a relationship but tbh we’ve never really truly bonded. Too much time has passed and there’s quite a large age gap plus she lives 300 miles away so no opportunity for impromptu coffees to get together. I too feel robbed of a sibling

I'm sorry you went through this, but I'm glad you have a relationship with him now. similar situation for me, but I was 21 when I found out about my half brother who was born in 60s. He was raised by a family member as my mum was too young, and it was all kept quiet, though I'm sure he knew. He has no contact with DM and doesn't want to know me at all which makes me very sad. I do feel sorry for DM as there was a lot of pressure at the time - I can't imagine giving up a child myself. DM is not the easiest person, but I'm sure a lot of that has to do with her early experiences.

OP remember it’s only fairly recently that people who give their child up for adoption have been able to try and make contact . My mum had me in the 50s . I am mixed race and I know that due to attitudes at the time her life would have been hell . She eventually married when I was two to a man who wanted a housekeeper really . He was a very difficult man but she passed him off as my father . I only found out from a chance remark when I was a teenager he was not my biological father. My mum never gave any details of my real dad but I thought I would try trace him after she died . Sadly I haven’t found him yet but I can’t be angry with my mum. She loved me and did what she thought best at the time .

hi OP, I'm glad you have got your sibling in your life. You only found out about this recently, so yes I think yanbu to be angry with your mother. I would suggest that you have counselling to help you with your feelings towards your family.

fwiw I have been through similar - I found 2 half siblings at different times of my life (one fairly recently actually, and I'm 50!). Counselling has helped me immensely process my feelings about my family and also made me understand an awful lot about myself. I think anger, while useful at times, won't be beneficial to you if you hold onto it forever and a counsellor will help you to process this. I think also from a distance, I can see why your mother took the decision that she did, particularly if she was very controlled or influenced by her father.

@Wedidntknow your mum let you down in so many ways, didn’t she? Her failure to support you in your teens played a part in losing your first child. It’s no wonder that you feel so much anger and loss, for the lost years with your db.

You sound so strong by comparison; literally a force of nature. Circumstances that made her weaker, have made you stronger and more determined to give your dc a good life. In some ways it’s as if you are living your life righting her wrongs. And the wrongs that you can’t right (the lost years) are all the more painful for it.

Have you an outlet in real life to talk through these things? In counselling a therapist is trained to listen to facilitate you to talk through your feelings. MN is no substitute because everyone wades in with an opinion, and to tell you what you should think. It has its uses but sometimes we need more.

@Mixitupalot
You could get some answers by doing a DNA test. My dh did.
If you are in the UK you can access your original birth cert. A right still not granted in Ireland 🙄 but there is legislation in the pipeline for that. And there are other ways of obtaining the information.
You could contact Barnardos if in the UK or Ireland.
There is an Adoption Board in Ireland and the Adoption Alliance is very helpful.
I'm sure there are even better support systems in the UK.
Of course you could live in an entirely different country and the above may not be relevant at all.

I’m adopted and have never felt the urge to look for my birth mother/father. I had a happy childhood and my mum was my mum as far as I’m concerned. She couldn’t have loved me any more if I was her flesh and blood and she frequently told me that.

I also think that my BM would feel she didn’t have a right to search for me or try to make contact as she gave me up. She made that choice .... or rather she was forced to. Another Irish catholic in rural Ireland, late 60s. There’s no way her parents would have accepted an illegitimate grandchild.

So she made the decision to get the boat to England and head to London, pretending she had been offered a job there. She was 17.

I now wonder, having read about the horrific convents that unmarried girls were sent to, if she knew about that, hence her decision to leave the country. Her family did not know she was pregnant and that may still be the case. Tracing her could cause all sorts of problems.

Thank you all for the replies and the kind messages of understanding. I'm really touched by alot of your posts.

Yes I feel hugely let down by my mother and that extends to my dear brother too. I know it does no good to hold onto bad feelings but sometimes I can't help but feel very sad about that little baby he was being left at the hospital, un named.

I think because of my own experiences that makes it all the more raw as I fought incredibly hard to keep my first son and the idea of relinquishing him willingly didn't, and still doesn't, bare thinking about.

Also due to my mother's failings where I'm concerned, and how badly she let me down, it makes it all the more difficult to be just compassionate. In ways it serves as another painful reminder of how some people just shouldn't have children.

FWIW regardless of our pain I'm incredibly glad that adoption does exist as he was given a much better life than I was and I'm so pleased his adoptive parents were well rounded people able to raise him properly and give him the tools (and love) that have enabled him to grow into the caring, motivated and successful man that he is today.

My heart goes out to all of you who have been in a similar position, thank you for understanding and making me feel less alone (and less unreasonable!)

Be kind to your mum. Yes you have missed out but on some level she has carried this. Be glad you have found him now. Times were different and bigots could entirely ruin people's lives for no good reason.

@finallymightbehappening

Be kind to your mum. Yes you have missed out but on some level she has carried this. Be glad you have found him now. Times were different and bigots could entirely ruin people's lives for no good reason.

I try to, I really do.

It's just hard not to be bitter when she made such a shit show of raising me, resulting in me being exploited from an early age and failed miserably.

Even these days she's still letting me down as she has become a problem drinker. I'm sure some will say that's a byproduct of her trauma but that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

I love her but can't always like her.

I don’t think we owe our children, or anybody, a full life history of who we were before they were born.

I must admit the timings here seem a bit off. Have I understood correctly? Your brother was born in the mid 1980s. You were born seven years later - early 90s? You had a baby at 17, so he will be approaching his teens now. And two more children, with someone of non white heritage, with a racist mum.

I think there is a lot going on here, to be honest, and I don’t think it’s just about this adoption.

I think counselling is a good idea. If I had sufficiently processed everything then I shouldn't be so affected by a television program, I think I definitely need to explore the feelings I have and make peace with them.

@lavenderandwisteria

I don’t think we owe our children, or anybody, a full life history of who we were before they were born.

I must admit the timings here seem a bit off. Have I understood correctly? Your brother was born in the mid 1980s. You were born seven years later - early 90s? You had a baby at 17, so he will be approaching his teens now. And two more children, with someone of non white heritage, with a racist mum.

I think there is a lot going on here, to be honest, and I don’t think it’s just about this adoption.

My brother was born in the late 80's, me in the mid 90's.

I fell pregnant at 17 and had that baby at 18, yes.

I went on to have two further children who are in my care whom are mixed race. Not the same nationality as my sibling but not Caucasian.

Yes my mother is bigoted, although is careful not to express that in my company as she knows how I feel about racism.

Of course there's alot going on beyond the adoption as is usually the case in dysfunctional families where there are secrets, but watching LLF last night has caused feelings of anger to resurface about the situation with my sibling specifically.

Feeling robbed of a relationship is a stance we both share in that sense.

Having your baby taken away must have been extremely traumatic.

There are issues with your mother but in a general sense I do not feel that this was something that she necessarily needed to share with you and I can understand why she did not. The past really is a different country.

[quote AngeloMysterioso]@DumbestBlonde my life hasn’t been sheltered at all. It doesn’t “read as shocking” it’s just evil. It takes a pretty twisted person to refer to a baby dying as justice. Under any circumstances. And I’m being exceptionally restrained by only using the word twisted. As far as I’m concerned you’re no better than either of your parents.[/quote]
OK - I see your point.
But I don't have much invested in what you think.

It is judgement on my mother that she lost the infant (whether or not she wanted her, which is unlikely). And, as I said, for all I know , she had a hand in it.

I am 1000x better than either of my parents. You know nothing.

OP, with all due respect, this is your mother's decision and you have zero right to complain. It is her privacy and should be respected

I think my gut reaction would be upset but id try to understand that raising a baby as a single mum with no support 25 years ago would have felt impossible. It sounds like your mum might have been vulnerable and she probably tried to block it out.

You should seek the relationship you want woth your sibling though.

FWIW my dad told me when i turned 30 that he has a sibling which hed never talked about. From a previpus relati9nship his dad had. He doesnt want to make contact. It makes me sad but its not my decision.

It is not surprising that the programme was a trigger OP and I think it's valid to have feelings of anger towards your mother about your own childhood and a feeling of loss about a sibling you did not grow up with.

I do think though that we can't really understand the different pressures placed on women not all that long ago. Personally I think your mum deserves compassion. Her decision might be different today but she made it within the context of that time. A different decision made in a similar context today is not really comparable.