My sibling was hidden from me for 25 years. AIBU

[Wedidntknow]

Seven years before I was born my mother (early 30s at the time) gave birth to a baby who she gave up for adoption from birth. The baby was the result of a fling much like I was

Sadly, and it makes me sick to say this, the babies skin colour was a driving factor in her relinquishing him as from what I'm told my grandfather (now deceased) heavily dissaproved of her having a child of colour and had quite alot of influence.

I was raised as an only child and found out about my sibling by accident when I was 25. I asked my mother to sit down for a serious conversation about something totally unrelated and she thought I'd found out about my sibling - she rushed to defend her actions whilst I sat there gob smacked as I had absolutely no idea.

I managed to trace him via the adoption agency and now we are in one anothers lives. He had no idea about me either as she never bothered to send updates, give answers or provide any information for him at all.

AIBU to be angry that we were robbed of the opportunity to know the other existed?

Would you be?

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

To clarify - I'm not being critical of the OP's mum giving up the baby. I can't imagine the pain and trauma of that. It's about the hiding and keeping that from her adult child. It may not be easy but it's an action that has consequences and OP's feelings are entirely valid.

But not knowing would have had no effect on either OP or her half sibling or any additional effect from the existing trauma of her mum.

Knowing has a knock on effect to OP, trauma to her mum and potential huge upset to her half sibling.

I think people who aren't adopted (and this is no judgement of uou as it's hard to understand when you aren't) there's a perception that all adopted people want to know their birth family and it ends in reunions on tv shows.

The reality is very different and can be hugely unsettling and often traumatic and intrusive for the adopted party.

Ends in happy reunions like on tv shows that was meant to say!

But not knowing would have had no effect on either OP or her half sibling or any additional effect from the existing trauma of her mum.

Well it obviously did have an effect as the OP is very upset about this.

I just don't think enough consideration is given to the children's feelings in these situations.

Please, as an adopted person myself, close your eyes and imagine the actual experience of her going through pregnancy and childbirth then walking away from her baby likely in pain physically and emotionally, because she felt there was no other option available to her.

I know only too well.

My first born child was adopted against my will due to being young (17 when I fell pregnant) a victim of domestic abuse and having no support. SS made that decision on my behalf - so I understand the pain of losing a child, a very much wanted one in my case and one I fought incredibly hard to keep.

I write to my child every year and have updated his adoptive parents via the correct channels when I went on to have another child, and then my youngest.

He knows he has siblings and if he decides to pursue a relationship when he reaches adulthood he has the information nessecary to make it happen.

I would never keep that information from him or the children I have in my care.

Just putting that out there to make it clear that I do understand the pain of being parted from a child, but still I would never keep their existence a secret from their siblings.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

But not knowing would have had no effect on either OP or her half sibling or any additional effect from the existing trauma of her mum.

Well it obviously did have an effect as the OP is very upset about this.

I just don't think enough consideration is given to the children's feelings in these situations.

Well it obviously did have an effect as the OP is very upset about this.

I said not knowing as in if she never knew, never found out. As some people were saying that it is always wrong for a younger half sibling to not be told at some point that their parent gave a child up for adoption.

Fine to be shocked but it sounds like your mum was pretty vulnerable, at the time. Have some compassion.

@DonorConceivedMe

Dear OP, I was conceived via a sperm donor, and my parents concealed this from me. I found out by accident as a teenager.

I can relate to many of your feelings but I'm afraid that often such feelings are angrily squashed by people who don't understand -- as has happened on this thread. In my case it was basically "Shut up and be grateful". Time and again adults' feelings are supposed to completely trump children's needs and rights.

You've been lied to, and unfairly deprived of a relationship with your own brother, because of your mother's cowardice. It wasn't as if she was a teenager at the time of your brother's birth!

You have every right to all your feelings and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I'm so sorry that you can relate on such a personal level.

I don't think you should "shut up and be grateful" at all.

I believe everybody has the right to know where they came from.

@Wedidntknow

Please, as an adopted person myself, close your eyes and imagine the actual experience of her going through pregnancy and childbirth then walking away from her baby likely in pain physically and emotionally, because she felt there was no other option available to her.

I know only too well.

My first born child was adopted against my will due to being young (17 when I fell pregnant) a victim of domestic abuse and having no support. SS made that decision on my behalf - so I understand the pain of losing a child, a very much wanted one in my case and one I fought incredibly hard to keep.

I write to my child every year and have updated his adoptive parents via the correct channels when I went on to have another child, and then my youngest.

He knows he has siblings and if he decides to pursue a relationship when he reaches adulthood he has the information nessecary to make it happen.

I would never keep that information from him or the children I have in my care.

Just putting that out there to make it clear that I do understand the pain of being parted from a child, but still I would never keep their existence a secret from their siblings.

I'm really sorry you went through that, truly

Just as the choice was removed from you, so too was it removed from your mum in a way you potentially can't understand (different parent / child dynamic, abusive father, racism, era etc) and that is likely hugely compounded and exacerbated by what you went through as you feel she did have more than a choice than you and you fought to keep your baby while you feel she didn't.

What you went through is unimaginably hard and I'm so sorry you did go through it

I think that attitudes to single parents, mixed race relationships and children born out of wedlock has changed hugely in the last 40 years.
Your mother may have been physically capable of raising her son but if she was on her own and had to work to support him , who would have cared for him whilst she worked, would she have been able to get housing.
You say you didn’t have a great childhood, perhaps the combination of her father not wanting the child and there being no support left her feeling there was no other option.
I am old enough to have had a child in the 80’s. If I had come home pregnant , out of wedlock with a mixed race child I would have been thrown out. I would not have had enough money to support the two of us. Benefits and support were not so easily available then, you would have been judged by most.
You are viewing this through modern eyes not setting your head in that time period.
Whilst I understand your feelings of loss, how do you think your mother has felt? Have you tried to put yourself in her shoes, thought about how you would have truly managed during that time.
Many people cope with major life trauma by shutting it out, prehospital it hurt your mother so badly tht she never really recovered the ability to feel again.
As a side note I’ve met many, many fathers who look as though they were the kindest people on earth, that have emotionally damaged their children so badly they never recover. Just because he was nice to you does not determine that he was nice to her.
Why not enjoy your new relationship with your brother, let the hate and anger go -it’s only hurting you and try and look at this with empathy.

A member of my family has a full sibling who was given up for adoption, but their mother refuses to tell them of the sibling’s existence. I think not to tell is cruel and deprives the (now adult) siblings of the chance to form a relationship. I am unable to tell them myself as she has threatened to commit suicide if the secret comes out. She says she is the only one who has the right to tell her child about their sibling but refuses to do so. This breaks my heart and I think she is considering no one’s feelings but her own. I believe that the child has rights to know too and feel very sorry for you op, that you were deprived of this relationship for so long.

I agree, your mother has the right to a private life and no doubt she did the best she could in the circumstances she was in. You don't have a right to know, any more than she has the right to know about your life.

If she didn't want / couldn't handle a relationship with him then that is entirely her prerogative, but we are blood relatives and should have the right to decide for ourselves surely.

And now you can have a relationship. You really don’t like your mum much, do you?

"You've been lied to, and unfairly deprived of a relationship with your own brother, because of your mother's cowardice."

That's not a particularly fair statement. You don't know anything about what her mother was going through.

youvegottenminuteslynn Thank you for your compassion.

that is likely hugely compounded and exacerbated by what you went through as you feel she did have more than a choice than you and you fought to keep your baby while you feel she didn't.

I can't disagree with you, I do think that plays a factor even if it's deeply subconscious on my part.

I have refrained from outwardly judging her and have always been compassionate and understanding when we speak about him, it just hurts that neither of us were given the information we needed.

It came as a huge shock to both of us to find out so much later on in life and whilst we're both very thankful to have found each other, we were both incredibly sad about having missed out on so much time.

@Blossomtoes

If she didn't want / couldn't handle a relationship with him then that is entirely her prerogative, but we are blood relatives and should have the right to decide for ourselves surely.

And now you can have a relationship. You really don’t like your mum much, do you?

What an unnecessarily shitty comment. Have you read all the OP's posts?

Depriving children of a relationship with siblings, no matter how the land lies, is quite cruel. Even crueler to tell said sibling to STFU about it

"Benefits and support were not so easily available then". Rubbish! Speaking as someone who was raised on benefits...

The posters setting out reasons why one should have compassion for the mother giving up her child for adoption are missing the point. It’s not the adoption that is the main problem but the concealment of the child’s existence for so long. If op had been told she had a brother earlier then she could have searched for him and had him in her life much earlier.

And now you can have a relationship. You really don’t like your mum much, do you?

It's complicated. I love her but don't always like her. If you knew the type of things I was exposed to due to her neglect and lack of basic maternal instinct you wouldn't like her very much either.

My brother being adopted was the best thing that could have happened to him, I'm relived he didn't have to go through the shit that I did, but we are both firmly in the camp of believing we deserved to know about each other and should have done.

@DonorConceivedMe

"Benefits and support were not so easily available then". Rubbish! Speaking as someone who was raised on benefits...

She was on benefits before she had me and has never worked a day in her life since being in her late 20's.

That bloody programme! I hate it - or I did; I will not watch it.
And look what has happened for you OP, it has reopened old wounds that will probably never fully heal anyway

I was NOT adopted (I wish I had been)- but was taken away from my mother when I was three years old. I left behind my younger sister, and never saw her or my mother until I was 16. i only met my mother's father once, not long before he died. My mother had prevented it. He broke down when we met, which was sad.

That same year, a young man was looking for his birth family - and it turned out he was my (full) brother, who had come into the world, just as I was taken away from my mother (I apparently witnessed his birth at "home" weighing less than 2lb). He was in an incubator for 6 weeks and then went straight to his adoptive parents; my mother deliberated over the decision. Apparently.

My father to this day denies that he was ever told (my mother said she called him the day my brother was born, but he hung up on her after she told him about his son). And to THIS DAY like to cast doubt on my brother's paternity.

The big things is though - that NO-ONE told me that he even exisied! I of course agreed to meet him - and we got on very well. But I was effectively a conduit to his birth parents; mother agreed straight away - and he connected nicely with her and her other children (not me - I was left out of the first Christmas in case I "caused upset") - for a while.

My (his) father on the other hand - although I told him immediately - said that (my brother) could "call in if he was passing". He lived in the South France at the time! It took 12 years for them to get together, and that was all on my father. I hate him for it; and for things that he has said subsequently.

One of the main reasons we - or I at least - should have been told is, given how well we got on (at first), it does not bear thinking about should we have met NOT knowing that we were brother and sister (!)
As it was, he became unsettled with his girlfriends because he "wanted one like me" (?) I was married and early prregnant at the time we met, but had I not been and had met someone who was on the same wavelength ---- well........

Somebody - at some point - should have told me that he existed, and something of his story of coming into the world. Two - or more - wrongs don't make a right.

Both of my parents threw me away (and still do, given the chance) and yet went on to have children in other marriages. One of my mother's daughters died as an infant. As far as I am concerned, that is absolute justice.

A few years ago - I found out that I have another half-sister from my father's second marriage. I connected a little with the family of my ex-stepmother for a short time - but to be honest - it is just to bloody hard to be an outsider to so many different families.

I seriously do hate programmes like LLF for these and many other reasons - let alone, making entertainmant out of heartbreak really REALLY pisses me off.

@Whatapickle21

The posters setting out reasons why one should have compassion for the mother giving up her child for adoption are missing the point. It’s not the adoption that is the main problem but the concealment of the child’s existence for so long. If op had been told she had a brother earlier then she could have searched for him and had him in her life much earlier.

Thank you, yes that was the angle I was coming at it from.

The adoption was definitely for the best as she didn't afford me a reasonable quality of life at all. I'm glad he had better opportunities. We just feel robbed of a relationship.

@Whatapickle21

The posters setting out reasons why one should have compassion for the mother giving up her child for adoption are missing the point. It’s not the adoption that is the main problem but the concealment of the child’s existence for so long. If op had been told she had a brother earlier then she could have searched for him and had him in her life much earlier.

Please do try to understand that those of us who are adopted can only share our personal experience, which often (IME with adopted friends) is that we don't necessarily want contact with our birth family. Assuming that all adopted children do is presumptuous and simply not the case. It can be a very unsettling and intrusive thing to deal with. Just as often as it's a joyful thing, it's an unwanted thing and that should be taken into consideration when people find out they have a relation who was adopted. I'm not saying that to be argumentative, it's just my experience and that of many adopted people I know.

It's terribly dismissive to say we are 'missing the point' when we are giving another point of view, that of the adopted sibling. Not all of course, but many.

OP has been generous in her taking on board our comments so please extend the same courtesy instead of saying we are just missing the point. Not everyone would react how OP's half brother did.

I am old enough to have had a child in the 80’s. If I had come home pregnant , out of wedlock with a mixed race child I would have been thrown out

I had a child in the 80s. I don't know anyone who would have thrown their child out if they were pregnant with a mixed race child. Racism was not acceptable then. 60s yes.89s no. My friend was a single mum of a mixed race child and no-one turned a hair.
OP's grandad wasn't a product of his time in the way my grandparents were in the 50s/60s. . And the mum was 30, not 16. So he must have been unusually bigoted and scary enough that she did his bidding, at 30.

One of my mother's daughters died as an infant. As far as I am concerned, that is absolute justice

Jesus, and I’m accused of shitty comments. There’s no justice in a baby dying.

My birth mother would 100% have been disowned from her family if she had kept me. For example, th laundries in Ireland didnt close until 1996.

I know that Irish Catholic is difference to mixed race, but my point is that while the 80s and even 90s sound and to some feel like a long time ago - to people raised in very religions or racist families, going outside of what was 'acceptable' felt almost impossible even then.