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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

803 replies

abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:12

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 24/05/2021 21:36

Is the wedding in Chester itself? I live there. Happy to help with any location advice with cottages or other hotels, logistics etc

Twinmammaplusone · 24/05/2021 21:37

I had a child free wedding. My friend’s 4 month old (formula-fed) baby attended. I would ask if it’s ok to take him. Completely different to asking to take an older child.

TentTalk · 24/05/2021 21:37

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

At 8 months your baby could easily be taking expressed milk from a bottle

I always wonder if the people who suggest this have actually had an EBF baby and experienced how common it is for babies who are not regularly given bottles from an early age to completely reject them. We tried for months with DS, he would NEVER, ever take one.

Even when you give a bottle regularly (or try to) they can still refuse!
Jins · 24/05/2021 21:39

I think there’s four of us now who know the area and very probably the venue and would be happy to help with suggestions

qualitygirl · 24/05/2021 21:40

OP it's very simple really....either you want to go and you will make it happen or you don't

Options are

  1. Don't go
  1. Go and bring your mum and she stays in another hotel

3.you all stay

Russell19 · 24/05/2021 21:41

OP you made people pay for their children to attend your wedding?! Thats rediculous and so insulting.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/05/2021 21:42

Hi I might be missing something but why can't your husband look after the baby, find a park or something near the hotel, meet you for feeds etc. Wont be that exciting for them but its only for an afternoon and evening.
I wouldnt ask unless the baby was a newborn as they mostly sleep and feed and can be carried around. Your baby will probably be crawling about all over the place and babbling by then.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 24/05/2021 21:42

@Chamonixshoopshoop

Of course an EBF baby can’t go without Mum! You’re their food and drink! Don’t go! Bride has made her stance clear She’ll be divorced in 4 years going by my bridezilla experiences
Calm down dear! And what a catty/cynical comment, how do you know the bride is a 'bridezilla'?

I attended a dc free wedding when my dd was a few months old, I expressed lots of milk in the days leading up to the day and my mum came to the hotel with us.
Why not try another hotel op?

FTEngineerM · 24/05/2021 21:44

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but… why do so many people ban children/babies from a wedding?

What is going to happen if they’re there?

otterbaby · 24/05/2021 21:44

@Phrowzunn totally agree! Seems so self-important to me.

And OP, I know you don't need convincing but my 7.5 month old won't take a bottle and is definitely not eating enough solids that she could be sustained for the day... some people may have babies that were eating full meals and dropping feeds by this point, but you really can't guarantee that. Mine will drink from a cup if she has to but there's no way I'd be able to leave her at this point (and her every-two-hour wake ups at night are a different story 😂)

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/05/2021 21:44

And my ebf baby took expressed milk from a bottle until 3 months old then flatly refused. For hours and hours and hours each time we tried until we gave up as it was too traumatic for everyone. Wouldn't touch a bottle again. Only started taking sips of water from a cup when they were 10 months. I don't think you can count on them taking a bottle by then

willowtree81 · 24/05/2021 21:44

I'd just trust your instincts and say you're really sorry but you can't make it. I was in the same position with an old school friend years ago. I declined in the end. I just wasn't prepared for my baby to potentially pay a price (though I think she was younger, 4/5 months). Friend might be disappointed short term but I think my friend got it a couple of years later when she had her first baby. It can be hard to understand before you have your own babies.

Cocopogo · 24/05/2021 21:45

1hr50 mins isn’t really that far, that’s some people’s commute time but if you don’t want to go then don’t go.

RosaBudDrood · 24/05/2021 21:45

And all the posters suggesting that the OP make all kinds of insanely inconvenient/ stressful and potentially expensive arrangements at the potential cost her own and her baby’s wellbeing to accommodate this kind of self absorption (including having her mum or partner drive 2 hours home at 11pm, spend an extra 150£ on a room where her mum will be cooped up all day with an 8 month old baby, introducing a bottle and leaving a breast fed baby all night for the first time ) 😲. Honestly we live in a completely bizarro culture

How is it self absorbed to not want children at your wedding? OP doesn't need to go if she doesn't want to; she's the only person coming up with these plans.

Bizawit · 24/05/2021 21:45

@RoseDelatour

We stipulated no babies or children. One of my oldest friends didn’t come as a result. I was really upset she didn’t make any effort to come for even just the ceremony (about an hour on the train door to door) and leave her 5 month old baby with her DH for an hour (he could have brought the baby into the city on the train). Our friendship didn’t recover. I now have my own DC, so have much more empathy. I still wouldn’t have wanted her baby there, but I would have been more understanding about the decision. Although I think I would have made the effort to go to her ceremony if the situation had been reversed.
Maybe if you were a decent friend you could have thought about your friend’s needs and the fact her baby is not just an “optional extra”. I would be totally insulted if one of my best friends banned my 5 month old from her wedding and then had the gall to be offended when I didn’t attend 😲, due to the enormous stress/ logistical challenge that would have created.
GreyhoundG1rl · 24/05/2021 21:45

I had a few people offer to pay for their own kids to come to the day and I was happy with that.
You really did this, op? 😂.

I hope the "Bridezilla" brigade have seen this.

PreferToSitInTheShade · 24/05/2021 21:46

DS was crawling, walking, eating and drinking from a sippy cup by then

Indeed, both mine the same. They'd have been squawking and wriggling to get down if I'd tried to hold them and stand still for any length of time.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/05/2021 21:46

@FTEngineerM

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but… why do so many people ban children/babies from a wedding?

What is going to happen if they’re there?

Some of us are just not into children.. Simple as that. Some have weddings which aren't particularly a kid thing. Many reasons. Everyone's personal choice. Only time when this should be a problem is if the b&g get in a huff because someone declines invite.. Then that's wrong.
nanbread · 24/05/2021 21:46

even if we drove for the ceremony and mum sat in our room with our son and we leave for the evening

Just do this, and go for the ceremony and maybe a bit of reception. Explain to your friend that because of DS and no accommodation nearby you'll need to leave early but there's no way you'll miss the ceremony.

theemmadilemma · 24/05/2021 21:46

I knew how this thread was going to start from the title. If you have to ask you already know they aren't welcome. Your friend was told no. Nothing makes you more special does it?

Peachesarepeach · 24/05/2021 21:46

@FTEngineerM

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but… why do so many people ban children/babies from a wedding?

What is going to happen if they’re there?

It changes the atmosphere from an adult party. It depends what people want - I had a kid free wedding. I don't take my children to weddings, they're bored and I want to chat to my friends.

I'm not sure why this always brings so much judgement.

thecatsthecats · 24/05/2021 21:46

I find a cognitive disconnect by all the people who married early and had child free weddings when there were no children to attend - no baby cousins, no friend's kids, just friends and family. Then by the time the later weddings roll around, they come with 1-3 extras of varying levels of behaviour. I feel like I should have got a Plus 1-3 to their wedding!

I had a creche at my wedding staffed by qualified childminders, and it was the best £250 we spent. No kids in the ceremony, no parents unable to attend.

Wondergirl100 · 24/05/2021 21:48

Honestly what a world we live in where people don't want a breastfed baby to be in its mums arms at their wedding. Weddings traditionally were family affairs !

Wondergirl100 · 24/05/2021 21:49

And - I had a vaguely child free wedding - I said we would not be able to accommodate children (for space reasons) - but that if anyone had real problems finding childcare we would fit them in. A couple of people asked to bring their kids and they did - and had far less fun than the people who didn't!

EL8888 · 24/05/2021 21:50

Baby clearly isn’t invited as their name isn’t on the invite Confused. So why ask? It’s just making things super awkward