To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

Thanks @Peachesarepeach @SchrodingersImmigrant but definitely not being judgy, I was asking for my own wedding where we’ve said all welcome, babies kids adults whatever. Even some dogs not for the ceremony obviously, and I’d started thinking is this an awful idea.

@FTEngineerM

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but… why do so many people ban children/babies from a wedding?

What is going to happen if they’re there?

For us it was numbers. We had a tight budget and even tighter time frame (dying close relative) and we wanted the max number of people possible so booked a cheapish medium size venue. It could accommodate 100 people. We would have had 30ish kids and I felt it should be all or none so went with none. Because each child was a friend or relative we couldn't invite.

So in answer to "what is going to happen" - take up the space of someone I felt would value the place more and that I'd like having there more. If we could have afforded a bigger venue, I'd have had kids there, but we couldn't.

@Peachesarepeach I think the reason people will never stop questioning child free weddings is because they are deeply inconvenient for some guests - and weddings end up often being fairly inconvenient in lots of ways for guests - ie travel, costs, days off, accommodation - it is just another way often that the day is a hassle for guests.

I also think it's obvious that a big party could be a fun thing for mixed generations - there were some kids at mine and it was lovely seeing them run around with each other having fun - isnt that the point of family get togethers?

I do understand why people have to limit children or not have them or may not be keen - but it's also obvious why a lot of people would prefer weddings to be big family do type things where they don't have to make complex child care arrangements for tiny babies

@FTEngineerM it isn't an awful idea - I think mainly people limit kids as unfortunately they count in the head count if you have a sit down dinner - so it means you can't invite other people you want there or have to pay per head and can't afford it. I think big mixed generation get togethers are lovely -

@FTEngineerM

Thanks *@Peachesarepeach* *@SchrodingersImmigrant* but definitely not being judgy, I was asking for my own wedding where we’ve said all welcome, babies kids adults whatever. Even some dogs not for the ceremony obviously, and I’d started thinking is this an awful idea.

I would actually welcome dogs 😁

It's all personal choice. Whatever is person comfortable with. If someone likes kids and knows they want them there, great. If someone doesn't, great. As long as they don't huff when someone declines invite.

Can you attend the wedding and your husband stay in the room with baby?

Not ideal, but if being there for your friend is the most important thing then it sounds like it would be the best of both worlds.

What's the rationale in inviting dogs? Will the venue allow it?
I think it would be quite odd to have people randomly disappearing to take their dog for a comfort break!

I went to a wedding when my baby was six months. We rented an air bnb nearby with 2 bedrooms and my parents came too. They loved having a weekend away and time with the baby without me there, we had a great day out

At 8 months will you still be breastfeeding as much? The baby will have moved onto solids by then too dont forget

I personally would rather know if that was the reason you couldn’t attend my wedding as would definitely make an exception, I would not want that to be a barrier. To me my wedding day was a chance to celebrate and spend time with the people I care about. 8 months babies don’t cost anything. I was completely not ready to leave mine overnight at 8 months and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Your friend might feel differently and that is ok too, but will have to accept that having these rules in place do mean people may not be able to attend. Which is fine but people should understand that people’s children will always come first to them. People should have the wedding day they want as long as they are reasonable about it.

@mowwiththebow

Can you attend the wedding and your husband stay in the room with baby?

Not ideal, but if being there for your friend is the most important thing then it sounds like it would be the best of both worlds.

Maybe your mutual friends 10yo could watch tv there as well if she can't find a sitter.

Crap weekend for him though!

Definitely ask your friend. People don’t necessarily put babies names on the invitation. I didn’t - yet I was happy to have babes in arms at my wedding. That said, 8 months is slightly tricky because they aren’t newborn. Your baby will be eating solids by 8 months. My niece has just started walking at 8 months! It’s not quite the same as a tiny newborn. But you should definitely ask. It’s nothing like asking if a 10 year old can attend.

What a load of crap..I had no children at my wedding back in 2002 and I'm still married

Likewise. 1982

@RosaBudDrood I think Phrowzunn did a good job of articulating how it is self absorbed. And actually several of the suggestions I raised have come from pps and have been (understandably) rejected by the OP as impractical/ too much.

I do understand people wanting to limit numbers of children due to costs- that’s just the reality of how expensive these things are these days. But that consideration doesn’t apply to a BF baby- costs relate to bums on seats/ catering etc. Banning babies is , imv, totally precious/ self absorbed and so unreasonable to ask of guests, unless of course they are keen for a baby free night.

For all those people that think brides that want child-free weddings are bridezillas, do you really not see the irony in expecting your child to be invited to an event just because you are? Mumzillas anyone?

Quite often it just comes down to numbers and what the venue can accommodate/the couple can afford. It does not mean that the bride expects a Disney rom-com wedding/hates children/is a spoilt princess.

OP, I brought my 10 month old to a wedding (dc was invited!). It was a waste of time really - got through the ceremony and dinner fine but as soon as the microphone came on, dc lost it and we had to take her out so one of us was on our own for the speeches and dancing while the other was in the bedroom with dc and we swapped over and back.

Can you go to the ceremony on your own?

I wouldn't go to any trouble for someone who hasn't invited your totally dependent baby. Don't worry about it just decline

Who cares if it looks self absorbed? It's their bloody wedding, they're organising it in the way it suits them 😂
Attendance is voluntary.

Decline, I wouldn't ask.

If SHE asks tell her.

Her wedding.

I must admit I think weddings are family affairs and I thinking banning children related to you is off, but each to their own.

[quote Bizawit]@RosaBudDrood I think Phrowzunn did a good job of articulating how it is self absorbed. And actually several of the suggestions I raised have come from pps and have been (understandably) rejected by the OP as impractical/ too much.

I do understand people wanting to limit numbers of children due to costs- that’s just the reality of how expensive these things are these days. But that consideration doesn’t apply to a BF baby- costs relate to bums on seats/ catering etc. Banning babies is , imv, totally precious/ self absorbed and so unreasonable to ask of guests, unless of course they are keen for a baby free night.[/quote]
It is not self absorbed to want a childfree wedding. The world does not revolve around other people's children.

It's hard to know exactly what people mean and their reasons, I always assumed no kids meant absolutely none, but then I know of quite a few weddings where it didn't mean breastfeeding babes in arms, as they wouldn't require a seat or feeding and the mother wouldn't have been able to attend without them. Some people declined as felt it rude to ask and then it turned out other babies were there and the person felt silly for not asking.

I'd say do as MrsTP suggests and tell them why you can't come and then see what they say. We once told someone we couldn't come to their wedding as even if we had someone to leave him with, it would have been 3 days away from our 5 month ebf ds1 who wasn't invited and they got the right hump and said they thought they were doing us a favour as we'd want a break.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Who cares if it looks self absorbed? It's their bloody wedding, they're organising it in the way it suits them 😂 Attendance is voluntary.

Exactly

It’s fine to have a child free wedding but what you can’t then do it get difficult with guests that can’t attend.

For all those people that think brides that want child-free weddings are bridezillas, do you really not see the irony in expecting your child to be invited to an event just because you are? Mumzillas anyone?

Errr no, it’s not remotely equivalent. A baby is a person. Parenting / caring for them is a responsibility/ imperative. It’s not a personal “preference”.

I wasn’t sure how to vote. You’re absolutely not being unreasonable to not leave a 5 month old - especially one EBF. It might be unreasonable, however to ask, but maybe giving your reason for why you need to decline would give them the option to include your child if they wanted to make an exception?

@GreyhoundG1rl then the OP shouldn’t feel even remotely responsible/ compelled to make inconvenient arrangements so she can attend. Clearly she does. In many / (most?) cases people attend weddings - even at cost/ inconvenience to themselves- to be supportive , because they care about their friends and it is expected of them. That care and thought and responsibility goes both ways. At least it should in my world.

I'm suprised there are no other hotel rooms available within 18 miles of Chester tbh!