To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

It's not unreasonable to ask

It's also not unreasonable to decline if she says no.

However I would have expressed and left mine with the grandparents and enjoyed an adult night out with my husband. (Mine were happy to take bottles of expressed milk)

It doesn’t need to be complicated - if you want to go, take up your mums offer, go - and have a fun evening!
If you don’t want to do that don’t go. Easy.

Also at 8 months the e b f thing is less important because you could easily express.

I assume this is your first baby. Lots of people on here have told you that an 8 month old is very different from a 5 month old. You should listen to that. It would be different if you were talking about an EBF baby under 6 months old but at 8 months they are into everything! And they are much more vocal. It won’t be the lovely evening you are picturing with the baby strapped to your chest and people cooing at how cute she is. It will be no fun for you and probably everyone at your table. Oh and also once they are eating solids (as a typical baby would be at 8 mos, often with great gusto) their poo is a lot stinkier. Nobody at a wedding wants to smell that it’s diaper change time. Seriously you won’t believe how much your baby changes in such a short time.

Can you ask your friend if she can contact the hotel to find a room for your mom? When we blocked a bunch of rooms for our wedding the hotel accommodated our requests even when they had said no to friends who inquired directly. If not I would try to find another place to stay. You can look at a map on Airbnb to find places that are close to the venue.

Just don't go. I don't get, or understand how a baby can 'mess up' a wedding personally, it's not a rom com Disney moment, it's a chance to make a lifelong commitment in front of family and friends, it's so artificial to ban children. But since that's the rules, it's clear that your presence is not essential or even particularly desired, an invite made with the expectation it will be declined, unless she's failed to notice you've had a baby?

It's a shame she hasn't mentioned it. We had no children, but specifically invited the two bf babies, both under six months.

If you're 100% sure you don't have an alternative, then decline and explain why, which gives her one last chance to say your DS can come.

That said, by five months I would have happily expressed enough and left DS with my mum and make the most of the chance to have some time away.

I just think that having a child free wedding means accepting that some friends who don’t live near by and do have children, can’t come. So you’re fine to decline.

That said, I have been to lots of child free weddings which have made exceptions for EBF babies. So definitely tell the bride the reason that you are regretfully declining.

We didn't have kids at our wedding due to numbers, but babies didn't count in the venue's numbers so didn't care if people brought them - we specifically told the baby people that though.

I personally hate taking my kids to weddings, they aren't child friendly events on the whole and my kids don't do well on a late night so we end up leaving early. I don't dislike other people's kids at weddings though, so long as I don't have to look after them.

I'd do as pp said and decline, giving the reason why (though baby won't be ebf by then). She'll let you know if you can bring baby.

Every single childfree wedding I have ever been to has made exceptions for breastfed babies under 1. And that's 12 weddings that I can remember. I don't know anyone who's been so desperate to exclude every baby that they will risk a good friend not being able to attend. And parents of older children left with sitters haven't seemed bothered by this, me included.

To be honest I couldn't have left my baby who was EBF but I wouldn't have wanted to left a FF baby either. My choice. I definitely wouldn't want to be 2hrs away from my child overnight now. Again my choice.

Just decline the invite and say 'I can't / don't want to leave the baby as they are breastfed and therefore can't make it, have a wonderful day'.

It won’t be the lovely evening you are picturing with the baby strapped to your chest and people cooing at how cute she is. It will be no fun for you and probably everyone at your table.
This. It beats me why people think someone else's baby would be such an asset at a wedding! People want to drink, dance, reconnect with people they haven't seen for a while and have a laugh. It gets very loud.
No place for a baby,

By 8 months, I wouldn’t imagine the baby will be EBF.

To add to above, my first was a bottle refuser, so whilst I could express enough to feed a small village, baby wouldn't take it! So I just declined wedding invites for that period and DH went alone.

Asking will put the bride in an awkward position. Don't ask just politely decline. I had a child free wedding (and am not yet divorced and haven't become a pfb mum) but if someone important to me had declined for this reason i probably would have reconsidered. Leave the ball im her court without making it awkward.

Another one saying don't go. Let yr mum babysit and enjoy a night out locally.

For the avoidance of doubt John and Jane op's surname means John and Jane. If the baby or other children were invited the invitation would read John, Jane, and Peter op's surname.

Understanding who has been invited really isn't hard. If you don't wish to go without the baby, decline gracefully.

@ValerieMalone

I assume this is your first baby. Lots of people on here have told you that an 8 month old is very different from a 5 month old. You should listen to that. It would be different if you were talking about an EBF baby under 6 months old but at 8 months they are into everything! And they are much more vocal. It won’t be the lovely evening you are picturing with the baby strapped to your chest and people cooing at how cute she is. It will be no fun for you and probably everyone at your table. Oh and also once they are eating solids (as a typical baby would be at 8 mos, often with great gusto) their poo is a lot stinkier. Nobody at a wedding wants to smell that it’s diaper change time. Seriously you won’t believe how much your baby changes in such a short time.

Can you ask your friend if she can contact the hotel to find a room for your mom? When we blocked a bunch of rooms for our wedding the hotel accommodated our requests even when they had said no to friends who inquired directly. If not I would try to find another place to stay. You can look at a map on Airbnb to find places that are close to the venue.

@ValerieMalone

What a delightful picture you have painted of my son (and other 8 month old babies)

I didn’t invite kids to my wedding during the day, but it was cost related and they were invited to the evening.
I had a few people offer to pay for their own kids to come to the day and I was happy with that.

I didn’t once think about smelling a shitty nappy
🤣

Every single childfree wedding I have ever been to has made exceptions for breastfed babies under 1

Exactly. I don’t understand the resistance to asking. It may be that the bride simply doesn’t get that the baby can’t be left. I wouldn’t have understood this prior to having babies myself.

@GreyhoundG1rl

It won’t be the lovely evening you are picturing with the baby strapped to your chest and people cooing at how cute she is. It will be no fun for you and probably everyone at your table. This. It beats me why people think someone else's baby would be such an asset at a wedding! People want to drink, dance, reconnect with people they haven't seen for a while and have a laugh. It gets very loud. No place for a baby,

I agree.

At 8 months your baby could easily be taking expressed milk from a bottle

I always wonder if the people who suggest this have actually had an EBF baby and experienced how common it is for babies who are not regularly given bottles from an early age to completely reject them. We tried for months with DS, he would NEVER, ever take one.

The alternative if you can't book accommodation for your mum is to book a taxi home for her at around 10 pm
Would that work for you?

Your Mum (is she is agreeable) & baby could occupy the room while you are at wedding & some of reception & then at a reasonable hour to let your Mum travel home (or to your house if closer) & then you & DH take it in turns to join the party/stay in room with baby...or just call it a night early on. I think if no kids at weddings then that includes your baby as if bride makes exception for one, there will likely be some other friend who will be put out as they wd have preferred to bring their child instead of leaving overnight. I know friends/relatives who've done the above & it worked out perfectly well.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Every single childfree wedding I have ever been to has made exceptions for breastfed babies under 1. And that's 12 weddings that I can remember. I don't know anyone who's been so desperate to exclude every baby that they will risk a good friend not being able to attend. And parents of older children left with sitters haven't seemed bothered by this, me included.

That’s fair enough for those couples to do that but those aren’t really childfree weddings though.

I also think it’s wrong to assume that once a baby is over 1, parents are magically able to leave them behind. Lots of people don’t have childcare for their older children, but people don’t seem to care about parents not being able to attend on those occasions. If the rule is you should have children along because otherwise people might not be able to attend, it’s not fair to restrict that to babies.

What time is everything?

Could you just go for the ceremony reception?

If so would there be an area at the reception venue where your mum could be or is there anywhere nearby that she could take him?

@Phrowzunn

The amount of people who seem to think it’s normal to specify that your dearest friends and family ditch their children for the day to attend your wedding is shocking! I totally agree it’s Bridezilla behaviour. Honestly, do they think that a child making a noise during the ceremony nullifies the marriage? Honestly I can’t imagine being so up myself that I would tell my closest friends that their beloved children were banned from attending an event I was putting on because I was just so important that I needed silence and complete undivided attention from all guests for the entire day. Agree that surely these women don’t make good, enjoyable life partners!

This.

And all the posters suggesting that the OP make all kinds of insanely inconvenient/ stressful and potentially expensive arrangements at the potential cost her own and her baby’s wellbeing to accommodate this kind of self absorption (including having her mum or partner drive 2 hours home at 11pm, spend an extra 150£ on a room where her mum will be cooped up all day with an 8 month old baby, introducing a bottle and leaving a breast fed baby all night for the first time ) 😲. Honestly we live in a completely bizarro culture.

@Exhausted4ever

He's not a newborn, he won't be exclusively bf at 8 months and there's really no need, bar your anxieties, that he needs to be there. Don't ask just decline politely stating you are unable to get a sitter. Don't be that person

This is absolutely right.

Don’t go. It’s already stressing you out so the sooner you decline the easier for everyone.