To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

I thought your baby would be 5 months. At 8 months YABU and I agree with the poster who says you are pushing it. I'd leave DH in the hotel room with the baby or take your mum and one of you two stay sober and drive home letting mum have the night in a hotel. 2 hours isn't that long.

I think just ask them, politely, no pressure. They can say no if they want
Why put them in the awkward position of either having to say no again (they know op has the baby, and they've still stated it's a child free wedding), or feeling so bad that they give in and it detracts from their day and other guests get pissed off that there were exceptions made?
It would be monumentally pushy to "just ask", really.
Op already knows it's a no.

Someone who makes it difficult for me to attend their wedding has given me the gift of an excuse to not attend.

I wouldn't go!

Whatever you do, I wouldn't put her on the spot by asking if she'd make an exception for your baby. The most I'd do would be to tell her why I was declining and leave it to her to decide whether or not to make the offer. My guess is she'll say she's sorry you can't attend and leave it at that.

FWIW my wedding wasn't child free and I have a 10 month old.

We didn’t ask, my mum offered. She was more than happy to do this for us.

I’m sure she is happy to do it, but I still wouldn’t want her to - it’s a lot to ask of someone, so that someone you know doesn’t risk an infant stealing a moment of “their day”.

If they want a no children wedding that’s entirely their choice but they have to understand this means that those with dependent babies / older children for whatever reason can’t practically attend, especially if not local. You’re going to extraordinary lengths to try and find a way to make this work because of their decisions. Tell them (politely) no.

@PreferToSitInTheShade

Could she look after DS in your room for the day and you can pop in and out for feeds then you can leave the wedding earlyish and get her a taxi back to her own hotel?

A friend of mine did exactly this. There's bound to be somewhere else to stay a taxi ride away.

I have looked and the closest is 18 miles away £156 for a room which I think it’s too pricey. (Maybe I’m tight)

I haven’t looked at cottages or air bnb so I guess that would be my next attempt.

Most of the no-kids brides I know end up becoming the most PFB mums - best to run now

If this is a serious comment (and I hope it’s not), then I just don’t get why people keep trying to slag off the characters of brides who have child free weddings. Not only are they not getting married for the right reasons and the marriage won’t last, they also end up being precious parents. Wtf? Loads of people I know had child free weddings and pretty much none of them went all pfb. It’s a totally separate issue.

Why can’t people just disagree with the decision to have a child free wedding without bringing all these other ridiculous comments into it?

No children will include babies. I don’t think you can expect her to allow your baby to come. I would decline the invite.

This has probably been suggested, OP, but in your shoes I wouldn't have booked the hotel but would have looked for a 2 bed self-catering place nearby. Your mum could have a nice evening watching TV with the baby somewhere she could actually make herself some dinner and a cup of tea and you could go to the wedding and come back and enjoy the rest of the weekend in your own place.

I don't understand why people want to take babies to weddings tbh...so stressful ! We had three at our wedding (eight children in total) and I felt sorry for the parents. The older kids had a great time though .

I haven’t looked at cottages or air bnb so I guess that would be my next attempt

I'd try to find a 2 bedroom then you could all stay at the same place. It's bound to be better value than 2 hotel rooms.

@SlipperyDippery

Most of the no-kids brides I know end up becoming the most PFB mums - best to run now

If this is a serious comment (and I hope it’s not), then I just don’t get why people keep trying to slag off the characters of brides who have child free weddings. Not only are they not getting married for the right reasons and the marriage won’t last, they also end up being precious parents. Wtf? Loads of people I know had child free weddings and pretty much none of them went all pfb. It’s a totally separate issue.

Why can’t people just disagree with the decision to have a child free wedding without bringing all these other ridiculous comments into it?

It is a serious comment, based on those i know, as I made extremely clear in my post.

I had two babies between 6 and 12 months at my wedding - didn’t negatively impact anything and it doesn’t surprise me at all that those who are precious about this are also precious about other things. But again, only my experience.

If it is a church wedding the baby can attend- no issues

You then just have the reception to cover?

Why are you any different? No children means none- not even yours- hard though you seem to find that to understand.

There are other things in the world than your child- such as this wedding.

If you really want to go, bring your mum to the hotel, leave her and baby in the room, do all the wedding stuff, then you can all drive home about 9pm. Definitely do not ask to bring the baby to the wedding.

Why don't you ask her if there are any spare rooms? When we got married we booked all the rooms it might be that there could be a spare one your mum could have?

I have been to many child free weddings (my own included!) but babes in arms have always been the exception. Ushers are primed to politely ask people to pop out if babies cries during key parts of the ceremony or speeches. If you don’t allow EBF babies then you can’t complain if people with them don’t attend.

Don’t be ‘that person’, OP.

‘No children’ means what it says, and your friend’s wedding does not revolve around your child. Explain the situation and politely decline the invite.

A good friend of mine had a wedding abroad in her home country that was adults only. Tbf to her, weddings in her country aren't that kid friendly.

My daughter was 5 months at the time and EBF. She refused all bottles and I knew she wouldn't sleep without a feed.

We looked at every single option, but none worked. I had to decline the invite.

We sent a gift and we saw them when they got back. My friend totally understood and we're still friends.

Like you though I totally freaked as to what to do.

Just ask OP. She’s a friend after all. The worst she can say is no and then at least you’ll know and can make alternative arrangements. On another note, I really don’t understand these no children allowed weddings...I my experience, and I accept this may be a cultural thing, weddings are huge joyful occasions and that includes all the family especially children! Just seems a bit dry and mean spirited to say no children.

I'm sure she is happy to do it, but I still wouldn’t want her to - it’s a lot to ask of someone, so that someone you know doesn’t risk an infant stealing a moment of “their day”.
So op can just decline the invitation.
I don't know why you've put "their day" in inverted commas, that's exactly what it is; someone else's wedding day.

Op's baby will mean slightly less to them that he or she does to op 🤷🏻‍♀️

@SinkGirl What an absurd comment 😂

@SarahBellam

If you really want to go, bring your mum to the hotel, leave her and baby in the room, do all the wedding stuff, then you can all drive home about 9pm. Definitely do not ask to bring the baby to the wedding.

Yep-this is a sensible option and if you don’t want to do that, then decline.

@GreyhoundG1rl

I'm sure she is happy to do it, but I still wouldn’t want her to - it’s a lot to ask of someone, so that someone you know doesn’t risk an infant stealing a moment of “their day”. So op can just decline the invitation. I don't know why you've put "their day" in inverted commas, that's exactly what it is; someone else's wedding day. Op's baby will mean slightly less to them that he or she does to op 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree. If you cannot attend without your child you politely decline the invite.

@SlipperyDippery

Most of the no-kids brides I know end up becoming the most PFB mums - best to run now

If this is a serious comment (and I hope it’s not), then I just don’t get why people keep trying to slag off the characters of brides who have child free weddings. Not only are they not getting married for the right reasons and the marriage won’t last, they also end up being precious parents. Wtf? Loads of people I know had child free weddings and pretty much none of them went all pfb. It’s a totally separate issue.

Why can’t people just disagree with the decision to have a child free wedding without bringing all these other ridiculous comments into it?

Because women who appear not to LOVE and WANT children are wron 'uns... Some people just can't process there is nlthing wtong with us

I think you should leave your 8m old and have a night off, go and have a good time!