To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

Would be totally unacceptable to ask. No children means exactly that.

Somehow weddings seems to be exempt from this. It’s bizarre.

Probably because you only usually get one chance to go to someone's wedding. It's not like missing a birthday party or a housewarming or something.
I get why the OP wants to try to make it work if it's a close friend.

People make allowances for vegetarians, people in wheelchairs, and all sorts of other things so that people can attend their wedding, even if it means compromising on things a bit or adding extra options for people. It's bizarre to me that parents and children aren't included in that.

@halfathreepence

Somehow weddings seems to be exempt from this. It’s bizarre.

Probably because you only usually get one chance to go to someone's wedding. It's not like missing a birthday party or a housewarming or something.
I get why the OP wants to try to make it work if it's a close friend.

People make allowances for vegetarians, people in wheelchairs, and all sorts of other things so that people can attend their wedding, even if it means compromising on things a bit or adding extra options for people. It's bizarre to me that parents and children aren't included in that.

I agree.

And I'd rather take a few noisy babies & toddlers any day over "must-invite" family members who are prone to cause a scene and actually ruin a wedding.

It's not unreasonable to ask, but it is unreasonable to expect.

I am getting married, and having no kids (apart from our own) mainly because all of our family and friends have kids and we would be looking at 70+ kids coming. That's not the kind of day I want, and selfishly, it's my wedding, I am paying!

Saying that, if a close friend asked me and had good reasons, of course I would bend so they didn't have to miss out.

I am not anti-kids, I am anti-throngs of kids!

And I'd rather take a few noisy babies & toddlers any day over "must-invite" family members who are prone to cause a scene and actually ruin a wedding.

I’m sorry if you have family members like that. I don’t.

@halfathreepence

Somehow weddings seems to be exempt from this. It’s bizarre.

Probably because you only usually get one chance to go to someone's wedding. It's not like missing a birthday party or a housewarming or something.
I get why the OP wants to try to make it work if it's a close friend.

People make allowances for vegetarians, people in wheelchairs, and all sorts of other things so that people can attend their wedding, even if it means compromising on things a bit or adding extra options for people. It's bizarre to me that parents and children aren't included in that.

But that’s exactly the point - you only get one chance to get married.

Surely the day is more important to the bride and groom than it is to the guests? So why should the day be spoilt for them just so some people don’t have to decline?

I get why OP wants to go and make it work. I don’t get why that means the bride and groom have to risk crying though their vows - it might be fine but if it’s not, they don’t get a second chance. And that’s even if there’s only one baby.

There might be a few people with children they can’t leave (and it’s not restricted to babies - do you think they should have to allow 4 year olds if the guest has no childcare? Why not, if it’s essential people can’t be prevented from going due to childcare)?

Providing a vegetarian option doesn’t risk the ceremony being spoilt, or affect the dynamic of the day.

And please don’t compare living with a disability to having a baby. It is never acceptable not to make adjustments for a disability. It is not the same thing at all

The Bride has said no to one friend. Its really mean putting the pressure on to ask again.
She can't say no to one and yes to another.

Op accept the decision and sort out how you are going to manage. Some 8mth babies are on the move, it's when the fun begins they aren't content to sit in a pram and be coo'd over.

The Bride has said no to one friend. Its really mean putting the pressure on to ask again. She can't say no to one and yes to another.

I don’t follow this logic at all. A 10 year old and an 8 month old BF baby are totally different prospects.

Yip 10 year old will sit in a corner with a tablet. An 8mth old is likely to be crawling all over the place with a parent chasing after them.

Both count in the head count of the maximum numbers in the venue.

@CounsellorTroi

And I'd rather take a few noisy babies & toddlers any day over "must-invite" family members who are prone to cause a scene and actually ruin a wedding.

I’m sorry if you have family members like that. I don’t.

As if that's the actual choice for most normal families. The reaching some people do is hilariously bonkers 🤣 🤣🤣

Yip 10 year old will sit in a corner with a tablet. An 8mth old is likely to be crawling all over the place with a parent chasing after them.

No, an 8 month old needs access to their mum. But if course, you do know that.

Both count in the head count of the maximum numbers in the venue.

Our venue didn’t count under 1s. Why would they? They aren’t getting a seat or a meal.

And the poster who compared the scenario to making provision for disabled people needs to take a fucking look at themselves, you're a bloody disgrace.

@TheKeatingFive 8 month olds don’t necessarily need access to their mum. This one does and that’s fine, but lots don’t.

And if the mother of the 10 year old has no one to watch him? She can’t go without him just as much as OP can’t go. Yes a 10 year old is usually capable of being babysat, but only if there’s someone to do it. And plenty of 8 month olds can be left.

You’re only looking at this from the parents’ point of view. From the couple’s point of view, a 10 year old is likely to be less of a nuisance at the wedding.

@TheKeatingFive

Yip 10 year old will sit in a corner with a tablet. An 8mth old is likely to be crawling all over the place with a parent chasing after them.

No, an 8 month old needs access to their mum. But if course, you do know that.

Both count in the head count of the maximum numbers in the venue.

Our venue didn’t count under 1s. Why would they? They aren’t getting a seat or a meal.

Many 8 mth olds are in nursery all day, they are well able to have a few hours away from mum.

The Fire regulations make no difference between a baby who can't walk or champion sprinter. The venue will have maximum numbers it can hold.

You’re only looking at this from the parents’ point of view. From the couple’s point of view, a 10 year old is likely to be less of a nuisance at the wedding.

I’m very pro child free wedding actually, I had one myself.

However, any sensible person can see that a BF baby under a year isn’t as easy to leave with someone as an older, less dependent child. I don’t even know why that’s being questioned.

They are free to say no, and that’s fine. I just don’t see what’s wrong with asking. The fact that they’ve said no to the ten year old isn’t analogous. It’s a different prospect.

Many 8 mth olds are in nursery all day, they are well able to have a few hours away from mum.

Some are. This one isn’t.

I honestly don’t get why weddings are in some special category that you are a bitch if you don’t invite little children, when everyone understands in normal circumstances babies can’t go to everything and sometimes the parents can’t go. Somehow weddings seems to be exempt from this. It’s bizarre.

This! Is someone selfish and self centred if they don't invite children to their 40th birthday? or how about engagement parties? Big anniversaries? Funerals? New Year's Eve? Or how about adults only events are a normal part of life, and when you choose to have a child you accept that you might not be able to go to them all because the child isn't welcome and if you can't/won't find childcare you have no other option, you child has to be your priority, but only yours, no one else's.

People make allowances for vegetarians, people in wheelchairs, and all sorts of other things so that people can attend their wedding, even if it means compromising on things a bit or adding extra options for people. It's bizarre to me that parents and children aren't included in that.

Vegetarians aren't a risk of screaming through the ceremony, or running about where they shouldn't be, or grabbing for things and knocking other things over. They're very easy to accommodate, you just let the caterer know, and they don't change the dynamic. And comparing choosing to have a child with having a disability is disgusting. I can't believe you'd even think they're in the same category.

I once asked if u could take my 3 months EBF baby ,bride said no. I went to the wedding reluctantly and found 2 other babies there. Their parents hadn't asked bride, so they did not get a no.
Lesson learned. Next child free wedding, I took my baby without asking. There was nothing the bride could do about it, besides wedding carried on smoothly.

@halfathreepence

Somehow weddings seems to be exempt from this. It’s bizarre.

Probably because you only usually get one chance to go to someone's wedding. It's not like missing a birthday party or a housewarming or something.
I get why the OP wants to try to make it work if it's a close friend.

People make allowances for vegetarians, people in wheelchairs, and all sorts of other things so that people can attend their wedding, even if it means compromising on things a bit or adding extra options for people. It's bizarre to me that parents and children aren't included in that.

Vegetarians and people in wheelchairs don't tend to be inclined to scream and shout, crawl around on the aisle, swipe food from tables, get into places they shouldn't, or pull their clothes down (all examples I've seen first hand).

Small children have limited social development, and certain types of event may be incompatible with this. It's absolutely OK to decide not to invite them.

It's not remotely comparable to vegetarians or wheelchair-users, FFS.

I'd just pay the extra for the accommodation so your mum can stay - another hotel/ air b&b or whatever or if you don't want to do that, unfortunately you'll have to decline the invitation.

@MoChridhe

I once asked if u could take my 3 months EBF baby ,bride said no. I went to the wedding reluctantly and found 2 other babies there. Their parents hadn't asked bride, so they did not get a no. Lesson learned. Next child free wedding, I took my baby without asking. There was nothing the bride could do about it, besides wedding carried on smoothly.

And childless women are the self-absorbed ones? Christ on a bicycle.

@MoChridhe Self-entitled much?

@MoChridhe

I once asked if u could take my 3 months EBF baby ,bride said no. I went to the wedding reluctantly and found 2 other babies there. Their parents hadn't asked bride, so they did not get a no. Lesson learned. Next child free wedding, I took my baby without asking. There was nothing the bride could do about it, besides wedding carried on smoothly.

What gave you the right to do that?

@TheKeatingFive

You’re only looking at this from the parents’ point of view. From the couple’s point of view, a 10 year old is likely to be less of a nuisance at the wedding.

I’m very pro child free wedding actually, I had one myself.

However, any sensible person can see that a BF baby under a year isn’t as easy to leave with someone as an older, less dependent child. I don’t even know why that’s being questioned.

They are free to say no, and that’s fine. I just don’t see what’s wrong with asking. The fact that they’ve said no to the ten year old isn’t analogous. It’s a different prospect.

Fair enough, I got the wrong end of the stick and thought you were saying the bride would be wrong to say no to the 8m old. Apologies.

An 8 month old is harder to leave on average, of course, but there isn’t exact correspondence between being under 1 and being unable to be left, and over 1 and being able to be left. So if the rationale for people thinking a baby should be able to go (which I now realise you aren’t saying but some are) is because otherwise the mother will have to decline, all I’m saying is there is no basis for restricting this to babies and not all children who can’t be left for whatever reason.

There are plenty of hotels in Chester with availability throughout August. for much less than £156.
You're saying you can only find one 18 miles away and it's for that price.
Is the wedding actually in Chester?