To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

It’s under 2 hours away. I would personally just go for the day and drive home after the meal 🤷‍♀️

YABU. You say you have a room booked at your hotel, but there isn't one available for your mum. Have I understood that correctly? So can't your mum look after the baby in your room during the wedding, and then overnight elsewhere afterwards?

@Chamonixshoopshoop

Of course an EBF baby can’t go without Mum! You’re their food and drink! Don’t go! Bride has made her stance clear She’ll be divorced in 4 years going by my bridezilla experiences

Nice So just because the bride specifies no kids, she's being difficult?

We had a "no children" wedding and made perfectly clear to guests that they weren't welcome. I wouldn't have been too pleased if someone had asked if they could bring theirs, I'd rather they declined the invite.

Given you've exhausted the other options, can you really not reconsider going child free? At 8 months old they will surely be able to have expressed milk along with their solid food. It's one night, your friend will only get married once, your baby is in the hands of a capable grandparent. I'm sure you and your DH would appreciate a childfree evening together by then

As PP have said, you just need to decline if you can't attend without your DC.

@eatsleepread

YABU. You say you have a room booked at your hotel, but there isn't one available for your mum. Have I understood that correctly? So can't your mum look after the baby in your room during the wedding, and then overnight elsewhere afterwards?

Seriously? Would you expect your mother to do that?

@Frazzledstar1

Is there another hotel room near by OP? If so you could book Mum a room there and she could stay in your room with baby during the wedding and then taxi to nearby hotel to stay in her own room when you retire for the night.

Nearest one is 18 miles away

Tho sure if op mentioned the venue , local works find a cheaper air bnb etx

Tho if op had booked a room , she assumed baby was coming even tho not invited

@Lottapianos

'Good God, the child was not on the invite, she has been told categorically that the bride and groom do not want children there It would be beyond rude to ask'

This X 10000

Baby is not invited. Do not put the bride in an awkward position by asking. Don't leave your baby if you're not comfortable. Don't go through daft elaborate manoeuvres involving your mum and hotel rooms. Just decline politely and get on with life

No, the OP has not been told categorically that the bride and groom do not want children there, she has been told by a mutual friend who asked for her own older child to attend, that the bride said no. For me, a breast-fed babe in arms is different from a walking, talking, running, boisterous, child and I still don't think it is unreasonable or at all rude for the OP to ask her friend if she may bring her baby, always knowing that if the bride-to-be says no, the OP won't be going to the wedding. All this loss of friendship over children attending weddings is ludicrous.

Why would it be the loss of a friendship @Jaichangecentfoisdenom? It doesn't have to be a drama. People have to decline invites all the time
Having children does not top trump what the couple have requested, just respect that and decline gracefully, it's that simple

@AbsolutePoppycock

Why would it be the loss of a friendship *@Jaichangecentfoisdenom*? It doesn't have to be a drama. People have to decline invites all the time Having children does not top trump what the couple have requested, just respect that and decline gracefully, it's that simple

I agree, @AbsolutePoppycock, I was just referring to earlier posters who have mentioned losing friendships because their friends with children couldn't make it to their child-free weddings.

Ah, apologies @Jaichangecentfoisdenom

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been put in this position. Having been a bride (and a bridesmaid 8 times). I’ve really struggled with the idea of ‘no children’ weddings. However, given the current climate and number limits, I suppose it will be more common. It is the bride and grooms day and if they’ve stipulated no children, then that’s how it is. In my experience you won’t be missing much, the weddings with children are usually much more fun! We had a 9pm bedtime rule for children at our wedding (mostly to protect the kiddies from drunken folks). Each to their own, it really is the bride and grooms choice. I’m not sure it helps much, but if I were in your position I would decline the invitation. Save the money you’ll get back from booking the room and do something lovely with your little one. Send your friend a lovely wedding gift and card to arrive on the day so they know they are important to you and look forward to a good catch up with them in future

A babe in arm is not a possible crawling /wriggling 8mth into everything

Easy solution.

Take mum with you. She’s in the room. You go back and bf , tho at 8mths will be on solids and possible a bottle

Then all drive home at 9pm

For me, a breast-fed babe in arms

An 8 month old is not a babe in arms. They're squiggly and noisy, they babble and crawl. Some even walk. Many cruise. They're at the beginning to explore everything stage. Definitely not a babe in arms.

Have a break, take your up you Mums offer and enjoy some time without a baby.

See this is why I had children at my wedding, they were literally no bother to me at all, didn’t even see most of them, and there parents weren’t put in this awkward position of trying to find childcare which as any parent knows can be really though, especially when you’re like me and have no family support!

Oh gosh we didn’t invite children to the wedding because there would have been too many but a babe in arms is a different story! YANBU, please ask!

(Or an 8 month old. Under one I’d say ok to need Mum!)

Under one I’d say ok to need Mum

Totally agree with this. We had a child free wedding, but of course I would accommodate a child this small.

Hang on so OP has stated

1. She herself had a child free wedding (unless the parents were willing to pay OP for the children to attend)
2. She isn't willing to try expressed milk in bottles just to attend this wedding

But it's the bride who is entitled and self centred?

Honestly if attending this wedding means so much to you, you'll find a way to make it work. If not, decline and explain why. It's really that easy.

FWIW we did have kids at our wedding, one couple had their mum pick their baby up (under 1) after the ceremony. Another had a 1yo and had travelled 200 mile to attend, she said she wished she had left him with GP as she was back in the room putting baby to bed at 8pm.

Just go for the day - if you feel able at the time, leave the baby home with your mum and cancel the room.

If you're still bf, take your mum and baby who can use the room in the day, and leave after the first dance/cake cutting and all drive home. If you're still feeding, you won't want to be drinking much anyway.

@TheKeatingFive

Under one I’d say ok to need Mum

Totally agree with this. We had a child free wedding, but of course I would accommodate a child this small.

But over 1 not ok to need mum? It depends on the child.

Also babies of 8m and above are really really difficult at weddings, generally they just won’t stay in the same place and protest loudly if you try to make them!

I honestly don’t get why weddings are in some special category that you are a bitch if you don’t invite little children, when everyone understands in normal circumstances babies can’t go to everything and sometimes the parents can’t go. Somehow weddings seems to be exempt from this. It’s bizarre.

All these passionate reposes. Literally op just needs to politely speak to her friend about her issue with attending and see if there is some compromise they’re both happy with.

Even if the dc gets the OK to go who wants to be all dressed up wresting an 8mo baby to sit still in a church full of strangers...
Flustered springs to mind...
Embarrassed also creeps in..
No thanks.