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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

803 replies

abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:12

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Galdos · 25/05/2021 21:23

Baby, not babies. OK, full story, not sure it's creditable ... DP and I scuba-dived. DD1 came along, and while that meant a gap, we were keen to continue (social as well as physical). So DD1 was dragged along to various scuba diving weekends when she was young. One was in the Lake District, in winter ... scuba dive weekends usually involved some time in the pub/restaurant ... the Lake District did not then (c.2000) have much in the way of child facilities (um, none?). So what were we to do? Stay with the child in a warm B&B, bored out of our minds, or go out where there was a freezer? We knew from Norway that the freezer option worked ...

TheKeatingFive · 25/05/2021 21:30

Stay with the child in a warm B&B, bored out of our minds, or go out where there was a freezer? We knew from Norway that the freezer option worked

I have no idea what this means 😂

Lottapianos · 25/05/2021 21:31

'Good God, the child was not on the invite, she has been told categorically that the bride and groom do not want children there
It would be beyond rude to ask'

This X 10000

Baby is not invited. Do not put the bride in an awkward position by asking. Don't leave your baby if you're not comfortable. Don't go through daft elaborate manoeuvres involving your mum and hotel rooms. Just decline politely and get on with life

TheKeatingFive · 25/05/2021 21:32

Found relevant post, ignore me 😆

CrankyFrankie · 25/05/2021 21:32

I would expect an exception to be made for a newborn but I don’t really think a 5MO qualifies here. Your mum has offered to help, plus you don’t really even need to stay overnight if you don’t want to. The first time I left my EBF first child was at (almost) 5 months for a close friend’s wedding a similar distance away. We went home the same night and my mum came and babysat at our house. I felt very emotional initially but just focused on all the excitement. My boobs were exploding and I needed to pump in the toilets but otherwise it went well! But then I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Imagine how many people must be bugging/hinting at your friend to allow their kids to go. That must be stressful for her!

If you don’t want to go, I think you should decline the invite in a “I would do love to come and I’m so gutted etcetc but I just can’t work it out with the baby” way, so that if she wants to make an exception she can (but you’re not directly putting her on the spot like your mate did)... but don’t be surprised if she infers that you’re not really that arsed about your friendship.

Luxembourgmama · 25/05/2021 21:33

Yes this. I had a child free wedding and now that I have kids I still enjoy childfree weddings

SchrodingersImmigrant · 25/05/2021 21:34

I love that @Galdos
Thanks! 😁
From uptight, selfish, horrid non woman😂

Galdos · 25/05/2021 21:39

Schrodingerslmmigrant - as my mother taught, kids are to be taught, not to be taught by ...

GreyhoundG1rl · 25/05/2021 21:40

@Galdos

Schrodingerslmmigrant - as my mother taught, kids are to be taught, not to be taught by ...
Your mother was a wise woman 👍
welshmuminessex · 25/05/2021 21:53

YANU. I couldn’t attend a close friend’s wedding as my son was 6 months old and exclusively breastfed. No children means no children.

CantBetheRealMe · 25/05/2021 22:00

No friend is worth leaving your baby for. Even for one night.
Even for their wedding.
If she can't accept a child under 1 needs their mum then she's not a good friend.

buckeejit · 25/05/2021 22:10

That's so annoying & inconvenient. But it is what it is. Either go for just the ceremony if you do want to be part of it, or stay over & take turns with dh looking after the baby in the room. You could effectively skip the meal & speeches & go to eat with dh & baby. I doubt she'd be massively offended if you declined unless you're really close.

BusyLizzie61 · 25/05/2021 22:12

@RoseDelatour

We stipulated no babies or children. One of my oldest friends didn’t come as a result. I was really upset she didn’t make any effort to come for even just the ceremony (about an hour on the train door to door) and leave her 5 month old baby with her DH for an hour (he could have brought the baby into the city on the train). Our friendship didn’t recover. I now have my own DC, so have much more empathy. I still wouldn’t have wanted her baby there, but I would have been more understanding about the decision. Although I think I would have made the effort to go to her ceremony if the situation had been reversed.
Equally, I think that being so self centred and bridezilla about having children at a wedding is unreasonable. For many families they have no childcare and/or the desire to be parted from their children. And to enforce such requirements on a supposed friend shows how little they value their friendship.
TableFlowerss · 25/05/2021 22:18

@CantBetheRealMe

No friend is worth leaving your baby for. Even for one night. Even for their wedding. If she can't accept a child under 1 needs their mum then she's not a good friend.
Hmm

OTT post of exercise seen one. Most folk go back to work when baby is 9 months, shock horror baby isn’t with mam 24/7!

fogiemwense · 25/05/2021 22:22

Wow people are being really fierce, if she's actually a friend surely you can ask, personally I think it's fairly weird to not want children at a wedding ,imagine going to a wedding in the Mediterranean with no children, or in Nigeria, strange society that wants to exclude children, but especially babies, surely being married implies that you value families etc . From your reply above to someone elses comment she hasn't actually told you not to bring the baby, totally fine to ask her

TableFlowerss · 25/05/2021 22:26

@fogiemwense

Wow people are being really fierce, if she's actually a friend surely you can ask, personally I think it's fairly weird to not want children at a wedding ,imagine going to a wedding in the Mediterranean with no children, or in Nigeria, strange society that wants to exclude children, but especially babies, surely being married implies that you value families etc . From your reply above to someone elses comment she hasn't actually told you not to bring the baby, totally fine to ask her
Weddings are so expensive and it’s quite common to have child free wedding to save on costs and also not wanting other folks kids running about etc... there’s lots of reasons and if they allow some kids and not others it becomes awkward. A no kid policy is certainly gaining popularity
hopingtochangeeachtime · 25/05/2021 22:37

I said no to a wedding because of this and the bribe de-friended me. Very sad, as we were good friends. Even once she had her own baby she went to Paris for a weekend without her baby, when it was a few months old, so I don't think she was an attachment parent type. Everyone is different, but it's a shame.

Oly4 · 25/05/2021 22:39

But your mum has offered a solution

Localocal · 25/05/2021 22:53

I would just say you have loved to be there, but you can't leave the baby overnight and you can't bring him without a room for your mum.

Do not feel guilty about missing the wedding. If your friend had cared that much about having you there she would be less rigid about not having your baby there.

PreferToSitInTheShade · 25/05/2021 23:30

Can you fit a child into a home freezer?

Well there's only one way to find out!!

Coldwine75 · 25/05/2021 23:33

I would ask, but she will say no as a baby counts as the no child rule. I must admit i dont understand why people do this!

user1472151176 · 25/05/2021 23:33

Decline the invite. It will put the bride in an awkward position to ask of you can take your baby and if she wants you there she'll offer. I've been in the same position before and felt gutted I missed the wedding but I wasn't prepared to leave my baby.

Borisisafecklesstoad · 25/05/2021 23:33

Could you tackle this explaining the situation and asking the bride if she can let you know if there are any cancellations of rooms or maybe ask the hotel to put you on the waiting list? With covid no doubt someone won't be able to come or will book a holiday last minute, you still have 3 months ..

At least then she knows you are keen to come but not asking to take the baby?

Totallyrandomname · 25/05/2021 23:59

Of course it’s not unreasonable to ask. Not much of a friendship if you can ask each other a simple question like that. So long as you do so without expectation that she will say yes and accept if she says no.hopefully she’ll also accept if you cannot attend without baby.

Maybe there will be a compromise like the baby comes, but your partner stays with baby during the ceremony.

My brother was married when my baby was 3.l months old. He specific no children so I said I wouldn’t be able to attend without my baby as he was breastfed and obviously any family was at the wedding anyway (not that they baby sat my children that young anyway). He decided to let me bring baby and it wasn’t an issue at all.

I think clear open communication is best.

Amaksy · 26/05/2021 00:38

I would still ask - had a similar one when DS was born in April and wedding was in July. They thought I needed a child chair but he was still too small for one so I carried him most times. Though it meant I was seated at the parents with baby table where I knew no one but at least got chatting.

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