To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

Ok.
Stop with the offsprings or not offsprings at wedding arguments.😱

@Galdos tell us more about the freezer babies!

Some of my favourite weddings have been child-free ones where we’ve chatted and danced the night away with family and friends!

There’s been other weddings I’ve turned down because eg I would be over 9m pregnant. I knew I wouldn’t fancy it because I’d either be hugely pregnant and grumpy or have a newborn and be in a bit of a mess! My choice-the couples each time were more than understanding.

Go, or don’t go-it’s your choice.

Bride is perfectly entitled to say no children, it's her wedding.

OP is perfectly entitled to politely decline the invitation and not feel that she has to go out of her way to attend the wedding if it causes a lot of difficulty for her.

Bride would only be a bridezilla if she then kicks off at OP for declining the invitation because of her baby- if you want all your friends and family to be able to attend and it not be difficult/expensive for them then saying no kids isn't the best way to go about it.

By the nature of things, wedding guests are going to include a considerable cohort of young mothers. It's unreasonable for you to get special consideration.

@halfathreepence

So your point is not planning your wedding to be a day which is designed to be suitable for children makes you a “shitty host”?

I just don't get why people plan a party that they know that some people (who they like enough to invite in the first place) won't be able to attend. If you're not that bothered about people attending and would rather do exactly what you want, then why invite guests at all? If you really want people to be there, then make it suitable for them to attend.

You can't have it both ways - everything all about you, but also trying to pretend you would have loved your friends to come and it's their fault that they can't and not yours.

Who said anything about it being their fault they can’t attend? I think it’s perfectly fair enough to decline a wedding due to not wanting to or not being able to leave a child who isn’t invited. That’s how events work. Someone organised them and invites people. Some people will want to and be able to go, some people won’t. The suggestion you can’t organise an event unless everyone can come is not founded in reality.

Is it “shitty” to get married on a weekday if there is a teacher on the guest list?

What about the hen party? Does that have to be child friendly so that it’s suitable for everyone with childcare difficulties to attend?

What about birthday parties? Or in fact any social event? They all have to be designed around being suitable for children to attend, otherwise it’s all about you and you don’t care if no one attends, and so shouldn’t bother inviting anyone in the first place?

@halfathreepence

So your point is not planning your wedding to be a day which is designed to be suitable for children makes you a “shitty host”?

I just don't get why people plan a party that they know that some people (who they like enough to invite in the first place) won't be able to attend. If you're not that bothered about people attending and would rather do exactly what you want, then why invite guests at all? If you really want people to be there, then make it suitable for them to attend.

You can't have it both ways - everything all about you, but also trying to pretend you would have loved your friends to come and it's their fault that they can't and not yours.

I can't believe you don't have the cognitive ability to comprehend this

Perhaps because the way of life means not everyone you invite to everything can come anyway, even if it is 100% suitable for them, sometimes people have other commitments. Because when you're inviting more than one person to an event different plans and circumstances are going to suit different guests to different degrees - you can't please everyone! Because sometimes you invite people because you want them to know you've considered them, and would love them there in ideal circumstances, even if they can't come because life isn't ideal (think inviting family who live abroad and their school holidays align differently, rude to not invite them, but you pretty much accept they can't come). Because there's no guarantee people with children can't come to a childfree wedding, plenty of childcare available! A wedding is all about the couple, and they invite people to share it with them because often people like seeing people they care about get married, even if they don't love all the details themselves.

It's like going to a restaurant you don't particularly care for to celebrate a friends birthday. The friend likes the restaurant, and it's their birthday so you want them to have the meal they'd prefer. And as their friend you want to celebrate with them, so you suck it up and eat food that you don't absolutely love. Because overall you'd still rather celebrate the occasion with them than go off on your own, eat something you'd prefer, but do it alone and miss out on the celebrations.

Also OP's friend didn't know OP wouldn't be able to attend, her baby will be 8 months old, its a reasonable assumption that she could find childcare for the night. In fact she can find childcare, so OP can attend, just doesn't want to leave her baby (as is her prerogative), but she can do, OP is making as much of a choice as the friend is.

I just don't get why people plan a party that they know that some people (who they like enough to invite in the first place) won't be able to attend. If you're not that bothered about people attending and would rather do exactly what you want, then why invite guests at all? If you really want people to be there, then make it suitable for them to attend

I agree with this. When I got married (twice) I thought about where would be the most practical location for the majority of guests. I chose the food and drinks that most people would like etc. As the host I felt it my duty to make attending a pleasure rather than a chore or a dilemma. I'd have been horrified at guests having family members in hotel rooms all day and having to pop back and forth to breast feed a baby - just for what - to attend my wedding!? You don't get much time with each guest on the day, so I'd rather they hadn't have come than to put themselves to all that stress and expense. After all, you invite people you like to your wedding, you don't want them to put themselves out too much.

One of my oldest friends didn’t come as a result. I was really upset she didn’t make any effort to come for even just the ceremony (about an hour on the train door to door) and leave her 5 month old baby with her DH for an hour (he could have brought the baby into the city on the train).

I simply would never do this or expect anyone else to. Seriously, what would be the point? Having people lugging babies around on trains and hang about city centres so another person can attend a ceremony you won't even be aware of them being there (because you are facing a different direction and pretty occupied). They'd just sit at the back then say a quick congratulations then leave. How would that enhance your day? Just so you can think 'ahh she really put herself out for me, I must be so important to her'? I'd be embarrassed expecting that of people.

Why is it unreasonable to ask a perfectly valid question? Have all these commenters ever breastfed? These babes can’t be left to go hungry and those boobs can’t be left unmilked. It’s far ruder to decline with no explanation. Just ask nicely and if she says no babies accept it graciously and send a card.

Some people have a ban on children because they are expensive, they won’t have to pay for a baby to attend so might apply different rules. I’ve taken my tiny ones to weddings that were otherwise childless and left my bigger ones when other people have brought their babes in arms.

I had this exact station with a 10 week old. I had DH stay in the room and I attended the wedding alone (although he and baby ended up joining after the reception). I didn't really know anyone (except one person I seriously dislike) but it was fine as I was put with another single person

It was pretty seamless to go up and feed

Stick by your guns Op if you don't want to leave your baby over night. I know lots of people on here are suggesting your baby will be fine by 8 months, but all babies are different and only you as your babies Mum know what's best for you and your baby. I wouldn't have left either of mine over night at 8 months. Both mine were exclusively bf till 6 months. My oldest bf till over 2 years (I weaned her just before my youngest was born). My youngest self weaned just before her 3rd Birthday. My oldest in particular would only suckle to sleep. My youngest always had a night feed at bedtime and at 3years continues to have a night time cuddle to sleep. I left my oldest at 1 year for myself and DH to go to a concert (back early hours). I couldn't totally relax and enjoy it as I knew how upset she would be. My parents had loads of trouble getting her to sleep and she was very upset. I felt very guilty. I notice my Mum who had been pushing me to go out and that she would look after her stopped pushing after that. I think she realised it was a mistake. The only time I have left either of them since was my oldest when I went into hospital to have my youngest. It's only now that my youngest has weaned I would be happy leaving them overnight and would know they would be ok.

Personally I think that your only real option is for you to accept and DH decline but DH comes with you and looks after the baby in the room. Then you can go to the ceremony and maybe some of the evening do.

I had a baby who was just f*ing hard work and there’s no way my mum could have coped with her alone overnight. The baby would have given husband an awful time as they were a screamy baby at least a year. I declined a couple of invites rather than deal with the stress and hassle of spending loads on hotel rooms and travel etc.

It’s up to you how much you value the friendship as to how much inconvenience you want to accept. It’s not going to be easy but you could go, if only for the ceremony. DH could go for an hours walk nearby if need be.

I'd ask because the baby depends on you whilst a child that's weaned and older isn't so it's ok to clarify.

but if she says no then that's that. you just can't go and that's ok.
we have not gone to weddings (or DH went alone) in similar situations and everyone survived!

I judge people who have child-free weddings, because even though they cite lots of reasons I think their priorities are wrong.
But my opinion doesn't matter when I get such an invite.
If I can't make it I don't agonise over it, I just decline and wish them to have a great day.

Your children are nobody else's priority, Zing. Nor should they be.

Really difficult! Am in a similar situation as I’m going to a wedding when I have a 3 month old and they’ve said no babies and children. I don’t think anyone that doesn’t have their own baby understands how difficult that would be when breastfeeding but we completely respect their decision as we said the same for our wedding. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask the question but they are not unreasonable to say no either x

You could ask... but if your baby's name is not on the invite then it should be assumed that they are not invited.
If the couple say no, you either have to make arrangements or just not go. I don't think that it makes the bride a Bridezilla for wanting a childfree wedding. It is their money, and their celebration. Who goes or not is 100% up to them.
I went to one years ago and a couple ignored the childfree request (and the fact the invite only had their 2 names on) and showed up with 2 toddlers anyway. They were sat on our table, kids were not catered for at all (because they were not expected!). We all ended up giving part of our meals away to them.

I judge people who have child-free weddings, because even though they cite lots of reasons I think their priorities are wrong.

What 'priorities' exactly @ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba ?

Not putting your kids above their maximum enjoyment of their wedding day which is about them and which they are offering (offering not demanding) to pay for you to join them in? Oh yes what absolutely terrible people they must be for putting their own happiness first on their own wedding day.

Being judged that someone else's children aren't my priority is a new one😂

Agree, leave the baby with DH in the room. I would do an inner groan if I was a guest at a wedding and o was seated next to someone with an 8 month baby there. Also, @Galdos WTF about the freezer baby?! Please do not try this at home Mumsnetters!

@GreyhoundG1rl

Your children are nobody else's priority, Zing. Nor should they be.

that's not what I said so why twist it?

Please do not try this at home Mumsnetters!

Can you fit a child into a home freezer?🤔

that's not what I said so why twist it?
What does "their priorities are wrong" mean, so?

@GreyhoundG1rl

that's not what I said so why twist it? What does "their priorities are wrong" mean, so?

superficial, pretentious, snobby, uptight, control-freak things usually.

but as I said it doesn't matter what I think so I don't give my opinions to them.
I only said it here to make a point that despite what I think about the child-free trend I still agree that it's their choice to have whatever wedding they want and if they don't want a baby there it's best to just not go. it's easier than arguing.

hope that's clearer now.
good night

Haha!

@PreferToSitInTheShade

I think some have child free weddings because of the sheer number they'd have to invite. My friend's daughter had child free because 30 of the 75 guests would have been children aged 1 - 9. That's way too large a percentage. Having a child free wedding meant she could invite more friends and family and also have more chance of an enjoyable day for everyone. My own daughter invited all the children of family and friends because there were 90 guests and only 5 children. A much more manageable number. It's not that one likes kids and the other doesn't. The ratio of kids to adults was just too many.

This was the exact reason we had to have no children from most of our guests. We invited nieces and nephews only and that was 16 children. We organised a crèche/children's party in a separate part of the wedding venue. Had we invited the children of all our guests we'd have had 75 children which neither the venue or we could manage.

OP could you just go to the wedding and have your DH in the hotel room looking after your baby? I'm presuming there would be other people there you know so you wouldn't be too lonely.

It honestly beggars belief that people equate wanting to have an adult celebration with being “snobby, uptight, pretentious” etc.

Honestly @ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba the fact you are so small minded and nasty in your approach to this says more about you than the people who prefer a different kind of celebration for their wedding than the one you would choose.