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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

803 replies

abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:12

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
twentypoundcoinsinabag · 25/05/2021 19:51

I've been at a wedding with a baby allowed in despite an official no child rule (I didn't demand, just enquired casually and they actually said yes straight away). Even though I hadn't pushed, it was still a shit experience compared to being at a wedding where kids were actually welcome. I was incredibly self-conscious the whole time of whatever my baby was doing and couldn't actually relax at all - I felt in the wrong because I knew probably other people might have wanted to bring kids and couldn't.

Like a pp has said, people have childfree weddings for all sorts of reasons including hidden infertility, and only a minority are precious bridezillas (or people who don't understand that babies can't all be left as easily as that, who just need you to bring your baby to show them the error of their thinking). They. just. don't. want. kids. there - even yours.

Not only that, but all their other guests will know they didn't want kids there and yet there you are with yours. Having technically got permission won't actually stop you knowing that while you're there.

If it turns out that they don't understand why you have to decline and get all arsy about it, unfortunately that will almost certainly still be a better outcome than asking for an exception to be made for your baby.

The one thing is that if you decline they might wonder why you and your dh just can't take shifts in the hotel room with the baby, though, so at least one of you can be there for each bit of the wedding. They might think that it is supposed to be their day for you to witness and celebrate in whatever way you can, even in shifts, rather than a party experience for you that's not worth doing unless you can come as a couple.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/05/2021 19:52

Not inviting children to what is effectively a jazzed up version of a night at the pub does not a shitty host make.
Who really imagines a dance floor full of drunk people is a place for children?
It is not unreasonable to want a DC free wedding for their safety too, ebf babies are different and unlikely to see much or interrupt the dancing.

drpet49 · 25/05/2021 19:52

* Take the stress and sorry out of the next three months op and decline the invitation.You don't owe her an explanation unless you want to give one. You,your baby are in a very special period which won't last forever,enjoy it.*

^This. Politely decline and leave it at that.

TillyTopper · 25/05/2021 19:53

Just decline and let her know why.

twentypoundcoinsinabag · 25/05/2021 19:54

@PreferToSitInTheShade

or the guests aren't having as much fun as you?

The guests who were happy to come without their children will be having fun. The people who were not happy to come without their children won't be there. So everybody's happy

The guests who have left their babies with someone else for the first time and are finding it stressful, or who are not drinking so they can drive home to send a babysitter home, will not be having as much fun and are very likely to be looking daggers at the OP!
PinkSatinMoon · 25/05/2021 19:54

Decline the Invite ... Sorted 🙄

twentypoundcoinsinabag · 25/05/2021 19:57

Despite what I said about them then wondering why you couldn't do shifts, I agree with those who have said just decline politely. If you can't or won't do shifts with your dh, and can't find another hotel/airbnb arrangement for your mum, then just decline. The two things that would absolutely not be OK would be asking to have your baby there despite them saying they don't want kids, and turning up with the baby uninvited.

halfathreepence · 25/05/2021 19:59

Not inviting children to what is effectively a jazzed up version of a night at the pub does not a shitty host make.
Who really imagines a dance floor full of drunk people is a place for children?

But that's my point. It's the hosts choice to have that type of wedding, knowing it won't be suitable for children. If you don't want kids at your wedding that's fine but don't pretend it's because it's "not suitable" when there are lots of choices you could have made to make it more suitable if you had wanted kids (or parents of kids) to attend.

whittingtonmum · 25/05/2021 20:01

Luckily we were only invited to a child free wedding once when DS was a baby. We thanked for the invite and politely declined as we didn't want to leave DS. All sorted.

I am sure if you are inviting friends with children - especially very young ones - to a child-free wedding you expect a certain number to decline because of the hassle, expense and sheer impracticability of it all.

DeusEx · 25/05/2021 20:03

@RoseDelatour

We stipulated no babies or children. One of my oldest friends didn’t come as a result. I was really upset she didn’t make any effort to come for even just the ceremony (about an hour on the train door to door) and leave her 5 month old baby with her DH for an hour (he could have brought the baby into the city on the train). Our friendship didn’t recover. I now have my own DC, so have much more empathy. I still wouldn’t have wanted her baby there, but I would have been more understanding about the decision. Although I think I would have made the effort to go to her ceremony if the situation had been reversed.
How old was the child?
GreyhoundG1rl · 25/05/2021 20:04

It's the hosts choice to have that type of wedding, knowing it won't be suitable for children.
That's it, exactly 👏
Some people want that kind of bash, rather than serving nothing stronger than lemonade and jelly & ice cream, and having a massive soft play area instead of a dance floor so that other people's children are happy.

SlipperyDippery · 25/05/2021 20:05

@halfathreepence

*Not inviting children to what is effectively a jazzed up version of a night at the pub does not a shitty host make. Who really imagines a dance floor full of drunk people is a place for children?*

But that's my point. It's the hosts choice to have that type of wedding, knowing it won't be suitable for children. If you don't want kids at your wedding that's fine but don't pretend it's because it's "not suitable" when there are lots of choices you could have made to make it more suitable if you had wanted kids (or parents of kids) to attend.

So your point is not planning your wedding to be a day which is designed to be suitable for children makes you a “shitty host”?
JackieTheFart · 25/05/2021 20:05

I mean, you can ask but expect a no.

FWIW I left my then 9 month old twins with their dad while I went to my cousins wedding, that was overnight and two hours away. Bit different I know as they were with dad, but it really depends how well your baby knows your mum.

SlipperyDippery · 25/05/2021 20:05

@GreyhoundG1rl

It's the hosts choice to have that type of wedding, knowing it won't be suitable for children. That's it, exactly 👏 Some people want that kind of bash, rather than serving nothing stronger than lemonade and jelly & ice cream, and having a massive soft play area instead of a dance floor so that other people's children are happy.
Well said.
quizqueen · 25/05/2021 20:06

I'm sure Chester and surrounding areas have a reasonable number of hotels your mother could stay at. She could be with the baby in your room, so you can pop back regularly, and then go and stay at her hotel for the night. If she's willing to help then I don't know why it's so complicated or just don't go to the wedding. You can't expect your friend to make an exception for you though.

AbsolutePoppycock · 25/05/2021 20:07

Good God, the child was not on the invite, she has been told categorically that the bride and groom do not want children there
It would be beyond rude to ask
Just decline gracefully
They are not rude or killjoys or any of the other silly names they've been called on here. They are entitled to have the day they want,
All this 'I had children at my wedding' etc is totally irrelevant, nobody cares what you had, you had the wedding you wanted, so let them have theirs without the discomfort of having to say no

GalOopNorth · 25/05/2021 20:10

Great excuse not to go 😁

Takingshape12 · 25/05/2021 20:12

The complete ignorance on here about breastfed babies is astounding

halfathreepence · 25/05/2021 20:15

So your point is not planning your wedding to be a day which is designed to be suitable for children makes you a “shitty host”?

I just don't get why people plan a party that they know that some people (who they like enough to invite in the first place) won't be able to attend. If you're not that bothered about people attending and would rather do exactly what you want, then why invite guests at all? If you really want people to be there, then make it suitable for them to attend.

You can't have it both ways - everything all about you, but also trying to pretend you would have loved your friends to come and it's their fault that they can't and not yours.

Sophiethegiraffe1 · 25/05/2021 20:17

Could you get a room for the grandma in a different hotel? There must be another in Chester. Can she come and sit for your kid in your room, in the hotel that the reception is in, then when you guys head to bed, she can bugger off to her hotel.
Problem solved

GreyhoundG1rl · 25/05/2021 20:20

@halfathreepence

So your point is not planning your wedding to be a day which is designed to be suitable for children makes you a “shitty host”?

I just don't get why people plan a party that they know that some people (who they like enough to invite in the first place) won't be able to attend. If you're not that bothered about people attending and would rather do exactly what you want, then why invite guests at all? If you really want people to be there, then make it suitable for them to attend.

You can't have it both ways - everything all about you, but also trying to pretend you would have loved your friends to come and it's their fault that they can't and not yours.

Lots of the couple's friends will come. Seriously, don't waste your pity here, most people manage to drag themselves away from their children for a couple of hours if they really want to. And the guests that go will have a great time!
Killahangilion · 25/05/2021 20:20

In your shoes, I’d politely decline the invitation and gently drop the friendship. If she can’t accept that your baby is now part of your immediate family, then it’s not a friendship that’s worth keeping hold of.

Galdos · 25/05/2021 20:20

It's the couple's wedding and what they (or their parents - old fashioned I know) want, and if it's no babies, it's no babies. You might check if the venue has a walk in freezer: when DD1 was 6 months old we went to a party in a restaurant with a walk-in freezer, and DD1, wrapped up, slept like a top in the freezer while we boogied. She was hardly noticed by anyone. (She had had experience, having been to Norway where nurseries routinely lay the babies outside in the snow, well wrapped up.)

I have politely declined to go to weddings where the code was to my mind silly or over fussy (a Louis XIV wedding...?), but it's the couple's day, not the guests' so if you can't/don't want to go with the required theme, don't go (very politely, lying if necessary: it's their day, not yours).

TheTigerSleeps · 25/05/2021 20:21

OP I had a child-free wedding, very child-free in fact, held in the evening. However one of my friends had a 7mo breast feeding and we allowed her to attend as we saw this as "babes in arms" which overrules the no child rule. It was fine and I was glad my friend could attend.

GreyhoundG1rl · 25/05/2021 20:22

That's a novel one, Galdos Grin

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