To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

Yes, @Shinytaps is spot on, that's very well put.

At 8 months old he's not going to be reliant on being breastfed. I'd drive from your house, attend the wedding and drive back (not sure why a less than 2 hour drive means you have to leave him overnight). Leave him with your mum and some food, possibly some expressed breast milk in a cup but he'll be fine.

Or don't go. You're making an absolute mountain out of a mole hill.

I think a baby is fine - it’s very different to small children running around. Baby will eat and sleep - I’d just take breastfed baby along.

It doesn’t actually specify this on the invite.
It’s addressed to DH & I.

That is how invitations work. The invitees are named. Your friend presumably knows that you had a baby. If they were invited they would have been named.

We had a child free wedding because we had been to too many where children messed about in the church, running up and down the isle during the ceremony, shouting look at me I’m a bridesmaid , screaming, crying, having tantrums and not taken out until people started giving the family dirty looks. ( at the time no close family had children anyway so it’s was just cousins children etc plus we could not afford to feed them all ) We did say they could attend the evening reception but most people took the opportunity to be child free for the day and night. I am sorry but child free does included babies of any age .

@Toomuchtrouble4me

I think a baby is fine - it’s very different to small children running around. Baby will eat and sleep - I’d just take breastfed baby along.

He'll be 8 months old!

For what it's worth... I've been unpleasantly surprised many times through the years when hosting (and paying for) various social events.

There are a surprising number of people out there who seem used to demanding whatever they want and generally running their mouths like you work for them and didn't do your job adequately. ("Asking" is different from "demanding" but I think that good manners dictate even doing that sparingly and with thought, as it can put the host in an uncomfortable position).

A few people took their entitled attitudes so far that I came to greatly dislike them over it and dropped them from my future guest lists.

Who "should" be invited to anything is whoever the hosts decide to invite, as is everything else about their event that they are hosting, planning and paying for. They already understand that those who can't or won't do it that way won't attend.

For me I would ask. If not is there a hotel nearby that your mum could stay in and have the baby there. If not I wouldn’t go. An 8 month old baby isn’t going to be a nuisance but no kids means no kids .

@Toomuchtrouble4me

I think a baby is fine - it’s very different to small children running around. Baby will eat and sleep - I’d just take breastfed baby along.

And you'd be an arse for not checking

Some people (you only have to search on MN to see) have child free weddings because they're privately dealing with the heartbreak of infertility and just want for their wedding day, one of the happiest days of their life, to be able to enjoy some adult company with their friends, without being reminded of what they desperately want and can't have, and try to give themselves a boost that they can still enjoy and be fulfilled in life without having children.

You would be a prize bitch to think that just because you think it's fine that you shouldn't check with the people who's day it actually is, and are being kind enough to invite, host and pay for you to celebrate with them in the way they want.

You can’t go. Get used to it lol

@Anneeone

You can’t go. Get used to it lol

Just about sums it up

@CharlotteRose90

For me I would ask. If not is there a hotel nearby that your mum could stay in and have the baby there. If not I wouldn’t go. An 8 month old baby isn’t going to be a nuisance but no kids means no kids .

An 8 month old baby isn’t going to be a nuisance?! You’ve obviously come across very different 8 month olds to me I think it’s a really tricky age, teething, newly mobile, found their voice...

All the "Baby won't be a nuisance, Baby will just eat and sleep" comments are clearly from posters who have never even met an 8 month old, never mind had one.

It's your friend and you'll know how she might be about this. My ex-h wanted a child free wedding but then some of my closest friends wouldn't have been able to come. Ended up with some kids, and one baby who was taken out of the ceremony when she cried. Could always ask your friend with zero pressure and tell her you're fine if it's a no.

Yes, this.

Where are people having weddings that can facilitate all the children of their friends and family? Is it that you only know one or two couples with children?

We invited our nieces and nephews and the children of our cousins to our wedding but if we had invited the children of all other invitees we would have added about 65 to our guest list - it would have meant a change in venue and a significant extra cost to us.

Neither I nor anyone I know have ever been to a wedding where non-family children were invited.

Do you all bring your children to your Christmas work do?

If you know others at the wedding you could go with your mum and baby to stick to the 2 adults per room rule and leave your DH at home?

Another option would be to see if baby will take the bottle.

I do understand your friend not wanting children/babies there and you seem to as well. If no other options just tell her you can't go as don't want to leave your baby. She may accommodate you....

I’d decline the invite. My EBF baby would have had expressed milk from a bottle by 8 months, same as she did if my mum babysat for us, but I wasn’t happy leaving her. Don’t stress about it.

Who "should" be invited to anything is whoever the hosts decide to invite, as is everything else about their event that they are hosting, planning and paying for. They already understand that those who can't or won't do it that way won't attend.

While that's true that a host can do whatever they want, it also kind of makes that person a shitty host. Surely when planning a party of any sort, it's desirable to take the wants and needs of the guests into account? What's the point of having a party that's all about you and your wants if it means some of your close family or friends are excluded, or the guests aren't having as much fun as you?

I had a child free wedding but included babies.
Other friends have had child free weddings but included any babies not walking. The one that didn't (didn't even include babies in the family) I didn't attend but my husband did.

One friend had a child free wedding and no guests who had children under 1 year at the time. For various reasons I had no one to babysit my 1 year old. I politely explained that my husband would be declining the invitation but I'd still come (because in my world friends talk to each other!). She insisted I bring my child as she wanted both me and my husband there more than she wanted no children at all.

If she is a good friend you ought to be able to speak her with her. She's not told you herself that it's a child free wedding. Some people don't include babies on invitations just because they're not setting a space for the baby. So it's perfectly reasonable to have a quick conversation with her to check if you baby can attend or not. Then take it from there.

Some babies just will not take a bottle, so if your baby can't attend having help from your mum or you and your husband taking shifts of time at the wedding might be necessary. But you won't know if any of that is necessary until you talk to your friend who is getting married.

Church wedding? All families are welcomed. I am a Christian and I would never ask a parent to leave their child at home. Christian marriages are about family even if you can't biologically have them (before I get bashed) Any vicar would find it odd not to have children there. If that doesn't suit then perhaps a ritzy adults only in a registered location ? A 8 month baby will be enjoying solids and your mum can cope.

While that's true that a host can do whatever they want, it also kind of makes that person a shitty host.
No. Not inviting children to what is effectively a jazzed up version of a night at the pub does not a shitty host make.
Who really imagines a dance floor full of drunk people is a place for children?
Bet the po faced crew will be along soon to give their tuppence worth on the evils of strong drink and how surely home made elderflower cordial is anyone could possibly need at a wedding?

Ask your friend to clarify! She might be fine with a baby but faces a wedding venue not suitable for children who will run around. Explain the distance and the breastfeeding. You will still be doing a good few feeds at eight months and introducing a bottle then is really pointless.

or the guests aren't having as much fun as you?

The guests who were happy to come without their children will be having fun. The people who were not happy to come without their children won't be there. So everybody's happy