To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

@breadbinbaby

Fact is weddings are adult affairs, they are not for children, they don't understand it, can't sit still, and only someone who doesn't understand children would inflict that cruelty on them. Children at weddings are due to self-absorbed and self-indulgent parents who don't give a damn about their own children's comfort.

Bit of an overreaction!

I would suggest that saying people who want a child free wedding are 'entitled' and 'self-indulgent' is a bit of an overreaction!

@HarebrightCedarmoon

My friend who had a childfree wedding apologised to me after the day as I'd made so much effort (and my DM had). Both my parents were involved, my dad looked after DD1 for the day and DM looked after DD2! And one toddler ended up going anyway as someone just turned up with him. Then she apologised again when she had her own kids and realised how hard it was.

@HarebrightCedarmoon Why should she have had to apologise? There are places and do's in society that are child-free. Just because she now understands that it can be hard to get child care doesn't mean she was wrong to choose to have a child-free wedding.

Yabu. I had a child and baby free wedding due to my gran being very ill and couldn't cope with noise. Never ever regretted it and tbh now I have a dc I be pleased not to take her and keep her occupied. Weddings are not for children as there alot of boring long speeches etc which adults enjoy but children won't. I see no connection between a wedding with children and one without and how long they last. In fact judging by those i know with children without children at weddings its the ones without that have lasted.

When I got married the first thing I thought about was who we'd like to come and how to make it as easy as possible for them in terms of location, venue, accommodation, timing. We had several friends who had babies or toddlers and we wanted to make it as easy as possible for them to attend. Also had some very elderly guests and people coming from far away and thought about their needs too.

Too many people (on MN anyway, I've not experienced it so much IRL) just make their wedding day a big show off day, all about them and what they want and bugger anyone else, and good friends and close family are treated like optional scenery in the story of their lives.

Just be up front and honest with your friend that you have a BF baby and just ask.
If they are a friend they won't take insult to it if they say no then explain that you have tried finding a solution but it's not practical but you hope they have a lovely day!

We had a no children policy but did allow babies under 1 as its also quite hard to find babysitting for very young as well as being BF.

It's also very dependent on the baby many ebf will refuse a bottle no matter what you try!

Too many people (on MN anyway, I've not experienced it so much IRL) just make their wedding day a big show off day, all about them and what they want and bugger anyone else, and good friends and close family are treated like optional scenery in the story of their lives.

But it is all about them. they are paying for it. Their wedding ceremony is not some sideshow in a broader event. It IS the event.

@HarebrightCedarmoon

When I got married the first thing I thought about was who we'd like to come and how to make it as easy as possible for them in terms of location, venue, accommodation, timing. We had several friends who had babies or toddlers and we wanted to make it as easy as possible for them to attend. Also had some very elderly guests and people coming from far away and thought about their needs too.

Too many people (on MN anyway, I've not experienced it so much IRL) just make their wedding day a big show off day, all about them and what they want and bugger anyone else, and good friends and close family are treated like optional scenery in the story of their lives.

Um.....the wedding day is one hundred percent about the couple! Duh. If you cannot handle one day not being about a child, then that says something quite disturbing and an inability to socially 'adult,' as it were.

@HarebrightCedarmoon

When I got married the first thing I thought about was who we'd like to come and how to make it as easy as possible for them in terms of location, venue, accommodation, timing. We had several friends who had babies or toddlers and we wanted to make it as easy as possible for them to attend. Also had some very elderly guests and people coming from far away and thought about their needs too.

Too many people (on MN anyway, I've not experienced it so much IRL) just make their wedding day a big show off day, all about them and what they want and bugger anyone else, and good friends and close family are treated like optional scenery in the story of their lives.

Bit of a smug wanky post.

And try as I might I simply can’t see a link between not inviting everyone’s children to your wedding, and not considering the needs of the elderly.

Fancy a couple's wedding day being 100% about......the couple. ffs. Oh the shock. It's a WEDDING. Not a toddler's birthday party.

@HarebrightCedarmoon

When I got married the first thing I thought about was who we'd like to come and how to make it as easy as possible for them in terms of location, venue, accommodation, timing. We had several friends who had babies or toddlers and we wanted to make it as easy as possible for them to attend. Also had some very elderly guests and people coming from far away and thought about their needs too.

Too many people (on MN anyway, I've not experienced it so much IRL) just make their wedding day a big show off day, all about them and what they want and bugger anyone else, and good friends and close family are treated like optional scenery in the story of their lives.

Hang on a minute ...

A wedding day being all about the couple getting married?

Well, blow me over. Who knew?!

@CokeDrinker

Fancy a couple's wedding day being 100% about......the couple. ffs. Oh the shock. It's a WEDDING. Not a toddler's birthday party.

It's not actually supposed to be all about the couple though is it, otherwise the ultimate wedding would be them eloping and focusing on themselves 100%. A wedding is a celebration of a marriage for family and friends. If you're going to invite all your loved ones and consider their needs as part of the planning, why doesn't that extend to children too? It was much easier for me to accommodate a friend's toddlers than it was to figure out how my elderly grandmother in a wheelchair would be able to attend and enjoy the day without being too overwhelmed. But nobody would suggest that weddings "aren't for old people".

It seems to me that people who want a child free wedding either don't like other people's children, or don't want to pay for them. Which is fine, but it's not because weddings aren't appropriate for children.

It's not that weddings aren't appropriate for kids, they are just really dull. I guess it's possible they could be fun if there were lots of other kids and space to play but not everyone can provide that, particularly at the moment when there are restrictions.

I think most parts of a wedding are dull for children - the ceremony, the standing around afterwards while the couple and guests pose for photographs, the long sit down meal and speeches - the only bit that might be fun for them happens quite late on.

I don't see how weddings are dull for kids. I went to quite a few weddings as a kid and enjoyed them.

Maybe if the wedding is confined to just one or two rooms in a venue and there's no outside space, and it's a long ceremony followed by a formal meal and tons of speeches, maybe it's dull for some kids but then it's dull for a lot of adults too! Weddings don't have to be like that. Who wants to throw a dull party? The best weddings I've been to have had kids there and they had more of a festival atmosphere than a stuffy formal event.

We had children at our wedding ( and had games/ colourising etc) for those who wanted to bring them. Lots of family with young children so made sense, it was a lovely day and the children didn’t impact on my enjoyment of the day in anyway. I have also been to child free weddings, also lovely days, no issues with them. I have taken my child to a wedding, it was fine, he was a baby so slept through most parts and I would have taken him out if he has been difficult. I have also not attended weddings that were child free and just send husband instead as baby wasn’t ready to be left. Again, no issues at all. I really don’t see why it has to be a drama! I must be lucky to have very reasonable friends and family.

I like how there is just nothing in between. Either it's fun wedding for a fiver and EVERYTHING is carefully planned with all the guests, with all the kids you can find or it's a stuck up show off affair for 30k with no children, miserable guests and early divorce 😂

@Italiandreams

We had children at our wedding ( and had games/ colourising etc) for those who wanted to bring them. Lots of family with young children so made sense, it was a lovely day and the children didn’t impact on my enjoyment of the day in anyway. I have also been to child free weddings, also lovely days, no issues with them. I have taken my child to a wedding, it was fine, he was a baby so slept through most parts and I would have taken him out if he has been difficult. I have also not attended weddings that were child free and just send husband instead as baby wasn’t ready to be left. Again, no issues at all. I really don’t see why it has to be a drama! I must be lucky to have very reasonable friends and family.

They are probably not on MN and that's why they are reasonable (mine are too)😁

@halfathreepence

I don't see how weddings are dull for kids. I went to quite a few weddings as a kid and enjoyed them.

Maybe if the wedding is confined to just one or two rooms in a venue and there's no outside space, and it's a long ceremony followed by a formal meal and tons of speeches, maybe it's dull for some kids but then it's dull for a lot of adults too! Weddings don't have to be like that. Who wants to throw a dull party? The best weddings I've been to have had kids there and they had more of a festival atmosphere than a stuffy formal event.

Agreed. I hate going to weddings that start early, go on too long and involve loads of standing about (and I think a long time slot for posed photographs is dreadful hospitality) but as you say, those things aren’t a given and they’re not common to all weddings!

What I love most about these threads is the accusations of being self-absorbed from people acting like they held their wedding at a food bank, and said their vows whilst washing the feet of the poor. Weddings by definition are pretty self-absorbed. They don't become an altruistic act simply because children are present.

No children means no children . An 8 month old baby could be crawling or cry all through wedding . I’m sure your mum can cope and not need you to rush hone for any reason. Go and have a night away and enjoy

It's not actually supposed to be all about the couple though is it, otherwise the ultimate wedding would be them eloping and focusing on themselves 100%.

It can be all about the couple and still shared with other people. I'd say an 18th birthday part is all about the birthday person, they invite others to celebrate with them (who can choose to decline) but ultimately they do what they want because it's their celebration. I'd say a wedding is the same.

Is there another hotel room near by OP? If so you could book Mum a room there and she could stay in your room with baby during the wedding and then taxi to nearby hotel to stay in her own room when you retire for the night.

Just decline the invite and say why. Your husband should go. Send a nice present.

Just don't go. That's life. If bride really wants you there she will Make allowances. If not send her a nice card and well wishes.

Decline the invitation and specify why it is being declined.