To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

@Sinkgirl
You know quite a few women who have had to stay at a hotel for a day so that their daughters can attend a wedding?
They honestly haven't " had" to do this.
If they choose to do so fine, if not the answer is no.

You can't always go to everything. A polite RSVP declining this invitation is the way to go. End of. No further overthinking or pondering on the hypothetical necessary,

@RoseDelatour

We stipulated no babies or children. One of my oldest friends didn’t come as a result. I was really upset she didn’t make any effort to come for even just the ceremony (about an hour on the train door to door) and leave her 5 month old baby with her DH for an hour (he could have brought the baby into the city on the train). Our friendship didn’t recover. I now have my own DC, so have much more empathy. I still wouldn’t have wanted her baby there, but I would have been more understanding about the decision. Although I think I would have made the effort to go to her ceremony if the situation had been reversed.

I think this was harsh tbh. I am in full agreement that a bride and groom are perfectly justified in inviting whoever they want to their wedding. Weddings are expensive and they should be able to choose. But I think it is very unreasonable to hold a grudge if others decide that this doesn’t work for them.

I’m unsure why you would expect her to with make a 2 hour round trip via train, with or without dh and dc, simply to attend your wedding ceremony.

theres another thread on AIBU at the moment from the mother of a disabled 3 year old. Her DC has been invited as an exception and other friends are annoyed their children are not invited. The bride and groom have kindly made allowances and are potentially getting grief for it. (The OP has said she is declining to bring her child). So if I were you I would not put the bride and groom in the middle of a potential shitstorm of upsetting other friends they have already said no to. I agree with a previous poster who said decline, give the breastfeeding reason and if they want you there they will point out its not a problem. Then its on them.

@SpanielSprint

I was in this position, albeit with a younger baby (12 weeks). I would have felt cheeky asking to bring him outright, so I apologised to the bride and said I would be unable to make it as baby was ebf and a bottle refuser. She said that she would rather I was there with baby than not at all, so we went.

Tbh, I think I would rather have been refused the invite. The experience was not particularly pleasant. I spent the whole day stressed and on edge, every time the baby made a noise (often) I had to run from the room because I felt our presence was not entirely welcome. Despite having spent a lot of money on a nursing dress suitable for a wedding, I didn’t feel comfortable bf in that environment and kept having to pop back to our hotel room. I felt quite conspicuous being the only guest there with a child.

If I were you, I would simply tell your friend you can’t make it and give the reason. The ball is then in her court as to whether she makes an exception for you or not. But be careful what you wish for!

Yes I felt the same as this when I declined, bride said come with baby anyway. And (like I said) the bride and I lost touch eventually anyway.

I can still remember how guilty and weird I felt as the only person with a baby. I would definitely have preferred to have missed it, as I wasn’t ready to go overnight without baby and I had no fun.

I have also been that babysitter stuck in a hotel room while the parents attended a no-parent wedding. (My sister’s baby before I had kids.)

Oh my god was it boring and a chore! Sister and BIL were very grateful and paid my hotel room (and I adore my sis and was very willing to do it for her), but I was essentially trapped in the room so my sister could pop back and feed.

This is probably why I find child free weddings a bore

If I ever have another baby, and get invited to a child-free wedding when they’re too little for me to want to leave them, I’ll just decline no matter what.

Maybe from having gone to so many back when I was younger, I am SO OVER weddings and the expense of attending anyway.

@RoseDelatour

We stipulated no babies or children. One of my oldest friends didn’t come as a result. I was really upset she didn’t make any effort to come for even just the ceremony (about an hour on the train door to door) and leave her 5 month old baby with her DH for an hour (he could have brought the baby into the city on the train). Our friendship didn’t recover. I now have my own DC, so have much more empathy. I still wouldn’t have wanted her baby there, but I would have been more understanding about the decision. Although I think I would have made the effort to go to her ceremony if the situation had been reversed.

I’m sorry. But I’m with your friend. What if he husband had to work. What if they didn’t have the money? But were too embarrassed to say? What if baby was sick. But they didn’t want to say?

I had a very small wedding. Parents and 1 friend. My best friend wouldn’t of been allowed at the wedding. Single mum. Plus her child is really important to me. I couldn’t of said no children. We had 6 kids. With 2 friends and ours! Some of the kids spoke during the ceremony. One cried I think?!? I don’t remember. I was so focused on marrying my husband that I didn’t care. It was truly magical in my eyes! I was told after. But again. I don’t remember it.

For BIG weddings I do understand it. If the couple don’t have children. But children are a part of life. To me it doesn’t even matter if a child cries. It’s life. All the adults cried at our wedding too 😂😂.

[quote notthemum]@Sinkgirl
You know quite a few women who have had to stay at a hotel for a day so that their daughters can attend a wedding?
They honestly haven't " had" to do this.
If they choose to do so fine, if not the answer is no.[/quote]
Yes I know at least five women whose mothers have gone to weddings with them and sat either in hotel room (or in one case, a car!) with the baby for hours. Absolutely shocking.

As I said, it’s fine if you don’t want babies at your wedding but you shouldn’t then expect other people to go to ridiculous lengths so they can attend. It’s your choice not to have kids there - accept that some then can’t come.

The post from RoseDelatour quoted above is precisely what I’m talking about.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Fuck tying yourself in knots thinking of all these ways you can go out of your way to go. Just tell her you can't make it because you can't leave the baby. That's it. If she says, too bad, you cancel your reservation and move on.

Agreed! It’s too much!

I don’t understand it though. I couldn’t of had my day WITHOUT my best friend. She’s the one of the most important people in my life. She needed to bring HER most important person in her life. Whom I also adore. Despite being a tyrant at times. I love hrr because she’s my best friends child. Regardless of anything else. I couldn’t of said. You can come. But your child can’t. For the purpose. I’m actually not a child person. I have children. But I’m not good with anyone else’s kids. But I couldn’t of thought that if I stopped my most important person. From bringing her most important person and by doing so it means that she might not come. No. Couldn’t do it.

I had a child free wedding, but we did have 2 babies there who were 5 months old and bf. It is the couple's prerogative though, and all you can do is decline and explain why. The couple should accept that and not get shitty with you because they made the rules.

I have declined family weddings myself if I couldn't take DD when I had nobody to look after her.

However, if you have a room booked, I would do as some have suggested, and both go , take your mum who can stay in the room with the baby, and then all go home after the wedding.

'Yes I know at least five women whose mothers have gone to weddings with them and sat either in hotel room (or in one case, a car!) with the baby for hours.'

That really is bloody madness. I'm all in favour of childfree weddings, and yes that means no babies, but no one should be expected to martyr themselves to this extent. Bride and groom need to accept that some people just won't be able to attend

How close is the friendship? That’s going to be a big part of this decision as well.

Yes I know at least five women whose mothers have gone to weddings with them and sat either in hotel room (or in one case, a car!) with the baby for hours. Absolutely shocking.

As I said, it’s fine if you don’t want babies at your wedding but you shouldn’t then expect other people to go to ridiculous lengths so they can attend. It’s your choice not to have kids there - accept that some then can’t come.
But surely those people did this because they wanted to go to the wedding, not because the bride and groom wouldn't accept that they weren't coming and sent the heavies round to collect them? Because that would be quite ridiculous, obviously.
But you seem to be suggesting these people did it under duress.

For what it's worth, I'm getting married soon, have a 2yr old and I've said no kids at the wedding, babies or otherwise (apart from my own). If someone with kids say they can't make it because of this, all I can be is understanding, it's our rule so it's hardly a surprise it won't work for everyone! No harm in asking but be prepared for a no, and she needs to accept a declined invite on that basis.

In your situation I would probably decline, OP. Sounds like too much faff and stress for you. The b&g have every right to say no children allowed but then no way would I fork out extra for a hotel room/b&b or change my baby's feeding habits for someone unwilling to make allowances for me. I have a (nearly) 7 month old who is FF but I still can't leave him with DM for longer than half an hour as he screams and screams. (Left him a few weeks ago with DPs to attend dc1's hospital appointment and DF rang me 3x in a panic as baby was hysterical). He sees them almost daily but has terrible separation anxiety. My older 2 were not like this. My point is it isn't just bf babies who are challenging to leave with someone for the day/overnight. I'm sure if your friend is a nice person she will understand why you cannot attend.

@GreyhoundG1rl

The notion that it's a Bridezilla thing not to centre your wedding day around other people's children is very, very odd. I think you're either the type that assumes your children are as enchanting to everyone around you as they are to you and are therefore welcome everywhere, and they are legion! or you understand that your children are the centre of your universe only.

It’s just that it’s a fairly recent thing. Traditional weddings were a family event, all the families celebrating. Nowadays it’s a become a fantasy day.

And I hate to say it, but the two child free weddings I’ve been to both belonged to very entitled, self centred people. I don’t see them so much nowadays as I found them hard work and stepped away a bit. I just wondered how these people were with their own children.

Jeez I think it's harsh to not include a baby. But I guess it is up to them so if you have to take the baby, you can't go.

Oh well, if they really were entitled selfcentered people in general then I'd imagine they're much the same still.
People don't change. Not the essence of who they are.

@Honeyroar No, traditionally weddings were child-free, it has only been recently that children have been in attendance at weddings. Fact is weddings are adult affairs, they are not for children, they don't understand it, can't sit still, and only someone who doesn't understand children would inflict that cruelty on them. Children at weddings are due to self-absorbed and self-indulgent parents who don't give a damn about their own children's comfort. No child enjoys sitting still for hours on end in good clothes. People who understand children understand weddings are not for children any more than a meeting with the bank manager are for children. Not everything in society is suitable for children. Weddings are one of those things where the two are absolutely non-compatible.

The notion that it's a Bridezilla thing not to centre your wedding day around other people's children is very, very odd. I think you're either the type that assumes your children are as enchanting to everyone around you as they are to you and are therefore welcome everywhere, and they are legion! or you understand that your children are the centre of your universe only.

Why would the presence of a baby mean a wedding is “centred around them”? Is that true for all guests? What an odd attitude.

Also, not being able to travel a couple of hours for an event without your EBF baby doesn’t equate to thinking everyone is enchanted with your children.

Having a childfree wedding is fine, it’s just that it’s often accompanied by strops when parents “don’t make the effort” (ie. rope in a poor relative to massively inconvenience themselves)

Fact is weddings are adult affairs, they are not for children, they don't understand it, can't sit still, and only someone who doesn't understand children would inflict that cruelty on them. Children at weddings are due to self-absorbed and self-indulgent parents who don't give a damn about their own children's comfort.

Bit of an overreaction!

[quote CokeDrinker]@Honeyroar No, traditionally weddings were child-free, it has only been recently that children have been in attendance at weddings. Fact is weddings are adult affairs, they are not for children, they don't understand it, can't sit still, and only someone who doesn't understand children would inflict that cruelty on them. Children at weddings are due to self-absorbed and self-indulgent parents who don't give a damn about their own children's comfort. No child enjoys sitting still for hours on end in good clothes. People who understand children understand weddings are not for children any more than a meeting with the bank manager are for children. Not everything in society is suitable for children. Weddings are one of those things where the two are absolutely non-compatible.[/quote]
When, in the 1950s? I went to weddings as a child in the 1980s anyway.

'Not everything in society is suitable for children. Weddings are one of those things where the two are absolutely non-compatible'

Completely agree

All this about a wedding invitation.
The op booked a room why? Did she assume the baby would be invited.
Baby seems not to be, so the choices are simple, either refuse politely.

Do not be horrid against the couple who have chosen a cf wedding . The bride is not a bridezilla who will soon be divorced.
If a church wedding she could go to the church but leave the baby in the creche with either dh or her mum.
She can ask if her child can go who knows. But that may well upset others who have children .
We were at a family wedding years ago, our children who were related were not invited yet another guest who was an acquaintance turns up with their children.( no one claimed to know they were coming ,) they were asked to the evening do ,but mum had no babysitter and just knew they would loved being there.
It caused offence to many.
Op enjoy your baby but be happy for the couple to enjoy their day. You had a cf wedding so can appreciate that.
Maybe they thought you would like a day as a couple on your own ( many do)
Make your decision and with good grace .

My friend who had a childfree wedding apologised to me after the day as I'd made so much effort (and my DM had). Both my parents were involved, my dad looked after DD1 for the day and DM looked after DD2! And one toddler ended up going anyway as someone just turned up with him. Then she apologised again when she had her own kids and realised how hard it was.