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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

803 replies

abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:12

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ofallthethings · 25/05/2021 10:02

If you're not happy about leaving him over night I would just decline and explain why.
Yes he should be on solids by then but it depends on how well he takes to food, one if mine was very hard to wean and they still need quite a few milk feeds at 8 months in my experience. I wouldn't have left mine at that age either. I think that people have to accept that if they want a child free wedding, then some friends won't be able to attend due to child care responsibilities.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 25/05/2021 10:23

I don't see the problem where it's all at one venue and you have a room there. Mum stays in room during the wedding with baby, you pop back up to feed baby every few hours. I did the same with DD2 when she was three months old at a child free wedding. The bride cannot dictate who is in a hotel room.

Jocasta2018 · 25/05/2021 10:27

Would it be possible for you to cancel your room & find accommodation nearby that can take you, DH & baby plus your DM so that you can still go?

Failing that just tell the bride that you can't leave your breast-fed child so will have to decline & see what she says?

AlfrescoDining · 25/05/2021 10:33

Can you go for part of the wedding, install your mum in hotel if she is happy with that, pop in and out of hotel to feed when necessary and leave 10ish with your mum?

PreferToSitInTheShade · 25/05/2021 10:35

But then they have to accept that some people aren't going to choose to tie themselves in knots to accept theirinvitation

I think most are expecting some turn downs because of childcare issues. It appears to be the invitees who feel they are indispensable.

Livpool · 25/05/2021 10:37

I don't know why you are tying yourself in knots trying to find a way to go. It isn't easy for you to attend so don't go. People who have childfree weddings must realise some parents won't be able to go

PreferToSitInTheShade · 25/05/2021 10:44

If you can only accommodate a certain number of people then it's really fair enough to prioritise two of your grown up friends over, say, your cousin's twins you've never met

This in a nutshell. And then if you start making allowances for one or two, everybody else with kids is pissed off. Only fair thing to do is make it adult only.

Honeyroar · 25/05/2021 10:48

I always wonder whether these kind of brides become as fussy over their own babies as they are about their big day wedding. I suspect they do, but would be interested to know (although I know I know the ones that post will be the ones that weren’t. Perhaps that’s strange to be fussy about your wedding but not your child!)

Campervanna · 25/05/2021 10:49

@AbsolutelyPatsy

i think a baby should be able to attend.
I think the bride & grooms wishes trump your thoughts!
FinallyFluid · 25/05/2021 10:51

@Chamonixshoopshoop

Of course an EBF baby can’t go without Mum! You’re their food and drink! Don’t go! Bride has made her stance clear She’ll be divorced in 4 years going by my bridezilla experiences
Child free wedding, still together 32 years later, throw that into your ridiculous algorithm.
GreyhoundG1rl · 25/05/2021 10:53

@Honeyroar

I always wonder whether these kind of brides become as fussy over their own babies as they are about their big day wedding. I suspect they do, but would be interested to know (although I know I know the ones that post will be the ones that weren’t. Perhaps that’s strange to be fussy about your wedding but not your child!)
Do you mean they'd feel free to bring their own children to weddings and would be narked at child free invitations? I don't think so, really. Having a child free wedding doesn't really signify complete self absorption the way it's claimed on here.
VeganVeal · 25/05/2021 10:55

@converseandjeans

I suspect she will have a blanket ban on babies. I would pull out now as otherwise you'll get stressed out.
Thats a bit tight banning blankets on babies, its still a bit cold, they need a blanket to keep them warm. You friend is BU
GreyhoundG1rl · 25/05/2021 10:58

The notion that it's a Bridezilla thing not to centre your wedding day around other people's children is very, very odd.
I think you're either the type that assumes your children are as enchanting to everyone around you as they are to you and are therefore welcome everywhere, and they are legion! or you understand that your children are the centre of your universe only.

PreferToSitInTheShade · 25/05/2021 11:13

*I don't think so, really.
Having a child free wedding doesn't really signify complete self absorption the way it's claimed on here.

Yeah, it's mostly logistics. How many is too many has to be considered.

CounsellorTroi · 25/05/2021 11:18

And it’s a different kind of self absorption to think your children are included in every invitation you receive.

FinallyFluid · 25/05/2021 11:22

@Cactusesi

Always decline decline invitations to weddings that dont allow children. They are the work of the vain and self-obsessed.
What utter tosh.
Sennedd · 25/05/2021 11:37

I am sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread but there are lots of cottages and bnbs around Chester. Try Sykes cottages. Flintshire is only 20 mins away and you may find something there. Your mum could stay in your room and then go off to her accommodation. Having said that a cottage would be pricey for one. I don’t know where your hotel is but Hoole has lots of accommodation.

SlipperyDippery · 25/05/2021 11:42

@Honeyroar

I always wonder whether these kind of brides become as fussy over their own babies as they are about their big day wedding. I suspect they do, but would be interested to know (although I know I know the ones that post will be the ones that weren’t. Perhaps that’s strange to be fussy about your wedding but not your child!)
No they don’t. In my experience, contrary to the ridiculous post upthread (not yours) saying 9/10 ended up like this, those brides who had child free weddings generally wouldn’t dream of taking their child to a wedding because they understand the very good reasons why a bride and groom might not want babies there.
ShoutingBirb · 25/05/2021 11:44

@CounsellorTroi

The nastiness on this thread towards childfree women / women who had childfree weddings is quite something to behold. Not everyone finds your children as enchanting as you do

This.

Agreed.

ShoutingBirb · 25/05/2021 11:47

@Bizawit

Has it occurred to you that these children are so 'beloved' to their parents and not everyone else? If you don't want to leave your offspring for a night that is absolutely up to you, but insisting your friends change their wedding guest list so that your beloved children can go everywhere with you is the height of self centred.

@aibubaby Omg. This is totally bonkers and so out of order.
Caring for your children is not ‘up to you’/ optional/ self centred. Babies need to be fed. some of them are breastfed, if you are breastfeeding your baby you can’t easily just ‘leave them for the night’, certainly not without potentially causing significant stress to both mother/ child. It’s not a ‘choice’ like what you might like to eat for breakfast ffs.
In the case of older children - Sometimes it’s not possible to get childcare, for a whole range of reasons. If you don’t have childcare, it’s not ‘up to you’ whether you pop off to a party for the night, ‘beloved’ or not as your child may be. That’s called neglect and is a criminal offence. Hmm Angry

Nobody is suggesting you should abandon or neglect your child. 😂

If you cannot get childcare or cannot leave your child then you politely decline the invite. It's that simple.

GreyhoundG1rl · 25/05/2021 11:50

The hype is quite something to behold.
"Why would I risk criminal charges to go to your wedding?"

Crunchymum · 25/05/2021 11:53

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding

Good on your mum for offering but Jeez what a hassle.

I see this offered up as a potential solution all the time on MN, Bring someone along to babysit your child while you attend a wedding.

I have a very hands on, amenable and lovely MIL who provides childcare so I can work but I'd never dream of asking her to do something like this.

I would decline the invite.

PiuVinoPerFavore · 25/05/2021 11:56

@Crunchymum

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding

Good on your mum for offering but Jeez what a hassle.

I see this offered up as a potential solution all the time on MN, Bring someone along to babysit your child while you attend a wedding.

I have a very hands on, amenable and lovely MIL who provides childcare so I can work but I'd never dream of asking her to do something like this.

I would decline the invite.

It's a very generous offer (neither my mum or MIL would ever do it) but surely you could make it pleasant for them. You could treat them to lunch and they could go for a nice walk? They needn't be stuck in hotel room all day?
GreyhoundG1rl · 25/05/2021 11:57

I see this offered up as a potential solution all the time on MN, Bring someone along to babysit your child while you attend a wedding.
But it's a solution for someone who really wants to go to the wedding, not a onerous task undertaken for the bride and groom's benefit.
Absolutely decline if it doesn't suit.

UniBallEye · 25/05/2021 12:14

OP I think you don't sound very enthusiastic about attending this wedding without your baby so you'd be better off declining.

PP have suggested numerous times that they might be able to recommend alternative accommodation, cottage / Air B&B etc but you have not followed up on it.

Similarly, you and your dh could both go and take it in shifts to spend time with baby away from the wedding...

Or all 4 of you could go, use the room as a base for the day and all travel home in the evening

I think it comes down to how much you actually really want to be there for the couple getting married

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