To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

He’ll be 8 months so a lot easier to leave overnight than 5 months. By then he’ll be eating solids at least some of the time and will most likely have begun express feeding. If you’re planning on going back to work you’ll have to start express feeding soon anyways (I assume depends on when you’re going back and what you do). I personally would take this as an opportunity to have a night to yourselves, it’ll be good for your DS too as he can experience staying with someone else for the night too.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

By ‘children’ I would understand those needing a seat at a table and a meal. If it were me, OP, I think I’d say, ‘Does that include babes in arms? If so, then I’m really sorry but I won’t be able to come since my baby is still so little and EBF.’

The last wedding we attended was babes-in-arms only. However there were only a couple and they were no problem at all.

However if there were going to be half a dozen and the parents were the types who could not absolutely be relied upon to take crying babies out, then TBH I could understand it.

Agree if the baby was newborn but an 8 month is much more alert, reactive and unlikely to be EBF.

Clearly, you will be unable to attend so all you need to do is decline the invitation.

Mumsnet often paints very interesting picture of parenthood...

Do so many people not go anywhere without kids until kids are of the acceptable age to be left alone in the evening or overnight, which i think based on mn is 17? I get it with tiny babies under 6 months,, that's fair, but the rest is baffling a bit and it pops up on any childfree wedding thread.

Just don't go if you don't want to leave the child. 8 mo is not 'ebf', he will be eating solids. He also won't sit nicely in a sling while you gaze at him adoringly. He will need entertainment and space for moving around. Maybe do a trial run with your mum looking after him before the wedding. Worst case scenario just leave early and come home

Part of the deal of a child free wedding is that you need to accept people with children may not attend. (I had a child free wedding, and have since declined child free weddings)

So just decline and state why.

It's not worth all this hassle. A wedding isn't worth trying to get your baby onto a bottle and for you to faff with pumping etc.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Mumsnet often paints very interesting picture of parenthood...

Do so many people not go anywhere without kids until kids are of the acceptable age to be left alone in the evening or overnight, which i think based on mn is 17? I get it with tiny babies under 6 months,, that's fair, but the rest is baffling a bit and it pops up on any childfree wedding thread.

@SchrodingersImmigrant I can’t believe you’d leave a 17 year old home alone just to go out and have fun.

I’ve left mine for fifteen minutes but made sure I face timed them to check in.

@WouldBeGood I know. I am just being so naive and imaginarily neglectful. 😔

When I got married a few of our friends had babies or children (all under the age of 4). We left it for them to decide if they wanted to bring their little ones. One couple left their son with dgp and another couple decided only the mum would come and dad and the dc stayed at home. The other dc came. One was ebf. There was no disruption in the service or during the speeches. It was lovely to have children there. Unless you have many friends with children I don't see the problem with having a few little ones at your wedding.

Fwiw, I have an 8 month old who is ebf. Yes, she is now eating 3 meals a day and drinks water from a sippy cup but she still bf to sleep for her naps. I wouldn't leave her yet to go to a friend's wedding and certainly not overnight. I'm not ready for that separation.

How close is this friend? I would let her know that you'd prefer not to leave your dc and say you regretfully can't come (it sounds stressful to organise the logistics). If she's close to you I'd hope that she would change her mind and let him come without you asking.

I had my kids relatively late so by the time this would have been a problem for me, all the weddings in my circle of friends were long ago... maybe that's why I can't get my head around all of this. My impression of weddings was always that the reception was supposed to be a party you threw for your friends and family to have a good time, a few drinks, a bit to eat, a dance, a chance to catch up. Threads like this make me wonder if I had it wrong. Was it more like socialising for work, where your priority is to make sure your face is seen and you speak to the right people, and if you happen to have a good time, that's entirely by the by? Who would really be looking forward to a weekend where they would be going to a party, leaving at 10, and then going upstairs to camp out in a hotel room with their partner, their mother, and their 8 month old baby?

LadyOfLittleLeisure

I would just say you can't come. I don't really get why children aren't invited to weddings though, everyone I know with a baby would just quietly slip out the back for a bit if they were crying? That's what we have always done and we've been to weddings with our SEN children. Never been an issue.

In my experience a lot of people don't take them outside, though.

Agree. Some people just take the attitude "ah they're just being a baby" and don't think about the bride and groom at all.

Wow 17 pages so probably no point in posting!

But this happened to me and I explained that I couldn’t go otherwise. No pressure and I didn’t want to make things awkward, but I had never left my baby overnight (baby was 7 months) and baby wouldn’t take a bottle. Bride said bring the baby. I would happily not have attended - I like weddings, but travelling and staying overnight is a real £££ pain.

So I went. Our friendship has fizzled out now, and I often wonder if I pissed her off by saying I couldn’t attend without my baby.

Now that I have more children, I see that I could have left the baby with DH in a hotel - but DH would not have wanted to do that and would have absolutely refused! He would have been fine leaving him and baby at home, but I wouldn’t have been. At the time, I was a first time parent, exhausted, and had never left my baby overnight so the idea of it felt unfathomable.

More children in, I absolutely could!

But - I know mumsnet disagrees - child free weddings really irritate me, they even did pre-kids. Luckily I am well past that phase of my life! I don’t ever go to weddings now that I’m in my 40s. At 30, there felt like there was one every weekend in the summer!

I think the thing to do is bring baby and leave DH in the hotel room with baby while you nip back periodically to feed. Not much fun for DH but if it were his good friend I guarantee you he would not be having this conversation. He would go alone and you would stay at home with the baby. Maybe he can pop round with baby briefly in evening to say hi and leave again, if couple would like that. This is for a close friend though I wouldn't go to this effort for just acquaintances.

EBF is under 6 months. The OP's baby is likely to be crawling and swiping food off people's plates. I'm sure the baby is charming but it's not a newborn and does not need to be with its mother for its only source of sustenance.

Totally depends on the baby. I know of some 8mo who still turn their nose up at food and get the majority of nutrients from breastmilk. 2 of mine would have been fine by then but one hardly touched food till 1 and breastfed every 45-90 mins day and night till she was 2. No one would have volunteered to look after her for even a few hours.

I was in this position, albeit with a younger baby (12 weeks). I would have felt cheeky asking to bring him outright, so I apologised to the bride and said I would be unable to make it as baby was ebf and a bottle refuser. She said that she would rather I was there with baby than not at all, so we went.

Tbh, I think I would rather have been refused the invite. The experience was not particularly pleasant. I spent the whole day stressed and on edge, every time the baby made a noise (often) I had to run from the room because I felt our presence was not entirely welcome. Despite having spent a lot of money on a nursing dress suitable for a wedding, I didn’t feel comfortable bf in that environment and kept having to pop back to our hotel room. I felt quite conspicuous being the only guest there with a child.

If I were you, I would simply tell your friend you can’t make it and give the reason. The ball is then in her court as to whether she makes an exception for you or not. But be careful what you wish for!

And for those saying ebf no longer counts at 8 months - I think it does when we are talking a full day and overnight stay! I would have struggled to leave my 8mo for that long, he was still feeding a few times through the day and twice overnight at that age. It would have been pretty traumatic for both him and the babysitter to have just gone cold turkey!

I don’t think this is a Bridzilla situation, rather a Motherzilla situation.

How close a friend is she?
I think that makes a difference! If she’s v close then I imagine she’ll want you there and will be fine with you bringing your baby! I know for my closest friends weddings, when I explained the situation they were more than happy for me to bring my babies! But if they are just an old acquaintance, not massively close, then no, I probably would just decline

Just to say, none of my kids ate solid food until 11 months, or took a bottle ever.
Not for lack of effort/trying on our part.

@NoFashion

Part of the deal of a child free wedding is that you need to accept people with children may not attend. (I had a child free wedding, and have since declined child free weddings)

So just decline and state why.

It's not worth all this hassle. A wedding isn't worth trying to get your baby onto a bottle and for you to faff with pumping etc.

This! All this suggestion of alternatives and leaving people in hotel rooms or AirB&Bs or travelling all that way and staying over just for the ceremony, etc. Just stop. 'I can't leave the baby so I need to decline.' Job done.

There is no reason at all that “babes in arms” shouldn’t be invited, I mean it’s a bit silly in my opinion!

Very unreasonable. If she doesn't want children at the wedding, a potential whinging, teething baby would not be welcome.
At 8 months, he will be weaned. My kids at that age only breastfed first thing in the morning and at bedtime, but even if yours feeds more often, he can be left for several hours without a feed. Book a nearby hotel for your mum (or let her use your room during the day), feed the baby and go to the wedding. Pop back to the hotel between the ceremony and the reception to feed again if needed.

Don't put your friend in the awkward position of having to reiterate what you already know to you. It's really unfair to ask her knowing full well it's a child free wedding, you know what she's going to say so really it'd be a pointless way to make her feel uncomfortable. Either find a way to go or decline and explain why.

Why don't you say something like "thank you for the invite, I don't think we'll be able to manage the whole day as we're unable to leave the baby with someone, but I'm thinking of coming and popping out to feed him throughout the day. Will there be anywhere in the venue that my mother could sit with him that didn't disturb the wedding? " and then she might say, sure that's fine they can use the side room, or don't be silly, babies are welcome at the wedding, or, no, I don't want to make any allowances for babies at all.

I did this, my friend said don't be daft of course babies are welcome, I can't wait to meet her and let me know if you need anything to make it easier for you at the venue. We all had a lovely day.

Decline.