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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

803 replies

abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:12

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MitheringSunday · 25/05/2021 06:12

Oh, and I wouldn't go as far as 'abomination', but I do think child-free weddings are a bit 'off'. If people are close enough to be invited, I would want them all there. Families 'come as a package'. If that swells the numbers too much, compromises may have to be made in a different arena - a simpler party, fewer more distant relatives and friends. My view only, obviously. I suppose it depends on what you think a wedding is about.

Eminybob · 25/05/2021 06:12

The problem is that once one exception is given, everyone will want it as well and others will be pissed off

This is so true. DH and I declined a wedding invitation (that he was asked to be best man for) as the date was DS1’s due date. DS was born 3 weeks early so the couple reinstated our invitation and said we could bring DS along. Very lovely of them and totally unexpected.

Not sure if they got any direct shit for it, but I got another guest being pissy towards me because my baby was there but she wasn’t able to bring her 1 year old Hmm

Ragwort · 25/05/2021 06:19

Totally agree with Embracing - why do people get so anxious about declining an invitation, it's really not such a big deal so long as it is done politely and promptly.

8monthsinandcranky · 25/05/2021 06:27

The nastiness on this thread towards childfree women / women who had childfree weddings is quite something to behold. Not everyone finds your children as enchanting as you do

I have no issue at all with people having a child free wedding (I wouldn’t go but that’s fine by me) my big issue is that in my personal experience the women who demand child free weddings and fully expect people to make this happen in order to prioritise their ‘big day’ then turn into the biggest complainers/ ‘this is totally unreasonable and they just don’t understand because they don’t have kids’ future wedding guests.

This has happened multiple times in my friends/family circles and even pulling them up on it ‘well you expected a child free wedding so not sure why you’re so angry that someone else is now doing exactly the same you did’ ends in tantrums and upset.

I do think ‘child free wedding’ is generally a sign of someone who is a bit self obsessed and this tends to follow them through to each stage of life which they always think is more important that others.

But just because it’s a 9/10 thing I’ve experienced certainly doesn’t mean it’s every bride!

KCN2020 · 25/05/2021 06:27

Babies do count in the no children ban, so please don’t ask your friend this as it happened to me during wedding planning and is such an unnecessary additional stress.
Your friend probably has a logic as to why no children (ours was so our friends and family family can enjoy the day and relax without worrying about kids running round, needing to be fed etc) and it sounds like you won’t enjoy the day without baby so Maybe you should decline to attend

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 25/05/2021 06:28

I would just say you can't come. I don't really get why children aren't invited to weddings though, everyone I know with a baby would just quietly slip out the back for a bit if they were crying? That's what we have always done and we've been to weddings with our SEN children. Never been an issue.

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 25/05/2021 06:32

YANBU to ask but I would expect to be told no. This is why I don’t understand no child weddings, it’s very unfair on people like you who would otherwise like to come.

TubeOfSmarties · 25/05/2021 06:44

I can't believe how awful some people are being about the bride and groom's "no children" request.

It doesn't mean they are miserable child haters or that they are being unreasonably perfectionist. A child takes up a space at a wedding. If you can only accommodate a certain number of people then it's really fair enough to prioritise two of your grown up friends over, say, your cousin's twins you've never met.

Of course an 8mo doesn't take a chair up but it's much easier to have a blanket rule.

Meanwhile, OP, you are coming at this as all or nothing. It sounds like you could just go for the daytime part, and have your mum nearby with DC. Perhaps another friend would let them have access to their room during the daytime so you don't have to pay for an overnight?

Donotgogentle · 25/05/2021 06:46

“MitheringSunday

Of course the couple have a perfect right to invite or exclude whom they wish. But then they have to accept that some people aren't going to choose to tie themselves in knots to accept their invitation. All this 'Just express', 'Just get anoher hotel room'. No. It's only - yes, only - a wedding. A lot of people on here seem to believe the current narrative about weddings that guests are obliged to jump through the most ridiculous hoops because It's A Wedding. Again, no - if someone doesn't want me there enough to make it easy for me to attend, that's fine, no hard feelings, I wish thm well etc, but then I simply won't be attending.”

Completely agree. It’s fine to choose a child free wedding but also fine not to jump through childcare hoops to attend. Unless it was a very close friend I wouldn’t bother.

iminthegarden · 25/05/2021 06:49

Sounds to me like you've already got a pretty good option with your mum coming. Don't miss out on a fun wedding after all this covid nonsense. Bring your mum and she can stay in the hotel during the day and she could leave early evening or whenever she'd feel comfortable driving back, while you and your husband alternate looking after DC during the rest of the evening. There's no rule on having to stay up and party until the very end.

CoelacanthSharpener · 25/05/2021 06:59

@LadyOfLittleLeisure

I would just say you can't come. I don't really get why children aren't invited to weddings though, everyone I know with a baby would just quietly slip out the back for a bit if they were crying? That's what we have always done and we've been to weddings with our SEN children. Never been an issue.
In my experience a lot of people don't take them outside, though.
Metallicalover · 25/05/2021 07:00

I find it's the ones that didn't have children at their wedding that make a fuss with they have children of their own wonder if rules can be changed for their children.
At 8 months old your child will be combi fed through food and breast milk, no longer EBF. Very different from babe in arms as previous posters said. I went to 2 weddings (one where I was a bridesmaid) when my little one was 7 and 10 weeks old. Very easy fed before ceremony and they slept and once the reception got underway we fed every few hours and then went upstairs to bed.
8 month old would have been an handful to keep quiet and entertained. You sound like you could have a good setup with your mother there. You may just have to fork out an extra room or stay in a cottage or just go to the day time and head home.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 25/05/2021 07:02

i think a baby should be able to attend.

newnortherner111 · 25/05/2021 07:07

Their wedding, their choice, your choice to decline the invitation, and I am sure they will be understanding if it is done now.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 25/05/2021 07:08

Their wedding their rules

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 25/05/2021 07:12

@CoelacanthSharpener oh, that's not good! If our children start to make noise, we just slide out the back. I did spend one wedding that was on this remote farm in July sat in the car with the kids though - that was a bit stressful Grin

Lottapianos · 25/05/2021 07:13

'i do think ‘child free wedding’ is generally a sign of someone who is a bit self obsessed'

More absolute nonsense 🙄

gottakeeponmovin · 25/05/2021 07:20

The baby will be 8 months - very different to 8 weeks. yABVU. Just decline the invite

hotcrossbun83 · 25/05/2021 07:21

IF you really want to go (I think it’s fine to decline in the circumstances)..

Ask your mum to mind the baby until the meal ends, say 7pm ish. Then she drives home, so it’s not too late. Do bed routine for baby in the room and put them in the buggy, go for a walk to get them to sleep. Ask your friend if it’s ok to have the baby sleeping in their buggy in the corner for the evening, babies often sleep really well in loud noise and mine slept through many evenings like this. Make it clear that if the baby wakes up, one of you will go straight back to the room and take turns. I think a sleeping baby in a corner is very different to having them there all day, crying wouldn’t even be heard over the music. Obviously this way you can’t drink and dance and need to stay close to baby, but it doesn’t sound like that’s your priority

Blueskytoday06 · 25/05/2021 07:21

Oh this sounds like so much effort. Decline and have a meet up post wedding / honeymoon to celebrate on a much smaller / affordable / convenient scale

Highfivemum · 25/05/2021 07:23

You have to respect their wishes and they will have to respect yours. Personally your DC will be 8 months and not a tiny baby. You will benefit from a night away.
If your adamant that you could not leave DC I would go with your DM ( who will then watch over DC and stay till around 7 pm then all come home. That way you go to the wedding but you have not got over night worry.

PiuVinoPerFavore · 25/05/2021 07:31

Like others have said, an 8 month baby is a very different prospect. I can't see why you can't go and leave your mum and baby at home? Presumably you trust your mum to look after your baby? You said you might need to nip back... what for? They'd be fine? Totally understandable for the bride to not want your baby at wedding. You're baby presumably won't be EBF by then so don't get why that's being mentioned at all. If you don't want to leave your baby, your choice, but decline the wedding or find a cottage close by but bet that would cost more than the 2 hotel rooms. I first left my DC at 8 months with my child. I probably cried leaving but it was all fine, time off is good for you.

Dentistlakes · 25/05/2021 07:48

I wanted a child free (inc babies) wedding but was persuaded to change my mind. I’m glad I did. I didn’t get the pressure mothers feel when separated from their young baby, especially when breastfeeding until I had my own.

I would decline op and just be straight with your friend. It’s just not going to be possum or you to be a couple of hours apart when still breastfeeding.

rainyskylight · 25/05/2021 07:56

YABU. Go with DH. Use the room you’ve paid for as a play and feeding room. DH takes baby during the day. Leave when the cake is cut and drive home. If you’re BF you won’t want to get lashed anyway. You have two priorities: to attend the wedding of a friend, and to make sure DC is well fed and content. You don’t have to stay up late dancing. Just pass on it this time.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 25/05/2021 08:07

By ‘children’ I would understand those needing a seat at a table and a meal.

If it were me, OP, I think I’d say, ‘Does that include babes in arms? If so, then I’m really sorry but I won’t be able to come since my baby is still so little and EBF.’

The last wedding we attended was babes-in-arms only. However there were only a couple and they were no problem at all.

However if there were going to be half a dozen and the parents were the types who could not absolutely be relied upon to take crying babies out, then TBH I could understand it.