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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

803 replies

abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:12

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Slippy78 · 25/05/2021 00:11

Which bit of 'no children' don't you understand?

You either go without your child or don't go at all.

Hyppogriff · 25/05/2021 00:12

Couldn’t you try an expressed bottle ? Especially by then! If you’re not going to make that effort to make it work then consider driving for only a portion of the wedding (your mum could come with you and wait somewhere local if you need to feed nearby). Then drive home after . 1 hour 50 is really not far. I agree that really small babies have to come but yours won’t really be all that small by then!

PreferToSitInTheShade · 25/05/2021 00:19

Absolutely this. Some of the comments are frankly bizarre. All this talk about children being “banned” too - they’re not banned, they’re just not invited

Also, the widely brought up assumption that the bride and groom are going to be 'upset' or annoyed that their invitation has been turned down. In my experience, they're not. They're really not. They might be mildly disappointed for a second or two, but they have more to think about than their friends' childcare issues. Like who's next on the standby list.

helpmebeanadult · 25/05/2021 00:20

I think if you choose to have a destination wedding, you accept that some people can't go. Same if you choose a blanket rule child-free wedding. Another option could be for you to go solo to the wedding, with DH and baby in the hotel room and you can pop up when needed. Or do hotel have a babysitting service? Otherwise stop twisting yourself up in knots trying to accommodate a request that is pretty difficult to accommodate!

Tana433 · 25/05/2021 00:21

Not read the whole thing but im in Chester and am pretty sure you will be able to find a hotel room here, there are so many as well as the usual Premier Inn and Travel lodge. Feel free to pm me if you need any help.

Musication · 25/05/2021 00:26

Can you just get a different hotel room for your mum? I think child-free means child-free. You could ask her but you risk making her feel awkward by saying no.

Youngatheart00 · 25/05/2021 00:31

She’s not being unreasonable to have a child free wedding. But you are not unreasonable to be breastfeeding either (obviously!) and to not want to be far from your child.

Agree with suggestion for a local hotel with baby and relative, somewhere you can pop back a couple of times throughout the day, also take formula with you. I hope you can enjoy yourself a bit too!!

andivfmakes3 · 25/05/2021 00:33

So the baby will be 8 months by the time of the wedding?

Well since they'd have presumably been weaned since 6 months YABU not to express for just one evening - even if you stayed at the the wedding till 9pm you would be home by 11pm. It's one night

EL8888 · 25/05/2021 00:33

I’m amused by the aspersions that if someone had a child free wedding and their marriage won’t last. For my first wedding it lasted 1.5 years and l reluctantly had children at my wedding. For my 2nd wedding it’s going to be a child and baby free wedding

I get peoples children are the centre of their world but their children aren’t the centre of mine. Look l work too hard to arrange my weekends and limited free time around your offspring. Yeah that’s directed at the friend who thought it would be great for me to get up at 5am to drive half way up the country as it fitted in with her children’s schedules, in reality l got up when l felt like it Hmm

@SchrodingersImmigrant yep the pandemic is nearly over and wedding season is back!!

Musication · 25/05/2021 00:35

Also we don't actually know your friend and what she thinks. If I was having a child-free wedding but a close and important friend couldn't come because she had a non-walking, breast feeding baby, then I would tell her to come and bring the baby. I'd rather have the friend there with the baby than not at all. But I guess it depends how close you are.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/05/2021 00:36

"Both cried during the ceremony but what can you do!"

Well their parents can take them outside when they're crying.

TableFlowerss · 25/05/2021 00:41

@EL8888

I’m amused by the aspersions that if someone had a child free wedding and their marriage won’t last. For my first wedding it lasted 1.5 years and l reluctantly had children at my wedding. For my 2nd wedding it’s going to be a child and baby free wedding

I get peoples children are the centre of their world but their children aren’t the centre of mine. Look l work too hard to arrange my weekends and limited free time around your offspring. Yeah that’s directed at the friend who thought it would be great for me to get up at 5am to drive half way up the country as it fitted in with her children’s schedules, in reality l got up when l felt like it Hmm

@SchrodingersImmigrant yep the pandemic is nearly over and wedding season is back!!

😂😂 where did it suggest a child free wedding = divorced sooner? 😂

It’s more like a child catered for wedding + divorce as the couple don’t get a minutes peace so he pisses off with someone else 😂

Emilizz34 · 25/05/2021 00:43

Decline the invitation.
Friends of my dh brought their one week old baby to our wedding despite the fact that no children were invited . We were expecting them not to show up as they didn’t RSVP. The baby cried constantly throughout the ceremony and reception and they didn’t make any attempt to even take him outside .

Campervanna · 25/05/2021 01:05

[quote abystarrs]@tentosix

Just imagine a baby deciding its hungry, just as they start taking their vows. Either you will become the centre of attention by attempting breastfeeding or the crying would just be disruptive. Be sensible for goodness sake.

I fed yesterday in a busy restaurant and didn’t become the centre of attention.Hmm

It’s not like I got naked to feed him or anything.
No one even notices...[/quote]
A busy restaurant is completely different from a wedding venue. There would likely be a fair bit of noise with people talking at the restaurant, therefore if a baby cried or was bfed it wouldn’t be very noticeable.

However, just imagine the relative silence at the wedding service, with only the bridal couple and minister speaking, then your son decides to exercise his lungs (plus, if he is anything like my dcs were, making very loud guzzling noises as he is fed). I do think it would be unfair, and putting the bride in a very awkward situation, if you asked her to make an exception for your child.

You also say you don’t want your dm driving home alone very late! There is an easy solution. If you really want to see your df being married, why don’t you leave ds with your dm and only attend the service and meal, then leave before the evening celebration eliminating the need for dm having to drive home alone late at night?

EL8888 · 25/05/2021 01:11

@TableFlowerss some references on page 14. K think some on the other wedding / children thread

Ironically my first husband did run off with someone else and it was him who insisted on having children at our wedding Confused He’s now married to the OW and isn’t happy, l in contrast am very happy with my fiancé

HeadIsFucked · 25/05/2021 01:19

I wouldn't ask tbh, as she may feel under pressure to say yes, which is unfair on her really. I would assume no children meant..no children. If you decline stating childcare nt possible, then she might contact you to let you know otherwise though I guess. Or IF I was set on going, sucking up the extra cost of other accomodation is an option too.

Embracingthechaos · 25/05/2021 02:16

Also, the widely brought up assumption that the bride and groom are going to be 'upset' or annoyed that their invitation has been turned down. In my experience, they're not. They're really not.

I couldn't agree more. I think it's easy to forget this when you're wrestling with the decision of whether or not to accept a wedding invite. Unless you are extremely close to the couple they really won't care that much, and if you are that close to them then surely they will be well aware of any limitations such as children and understand if you can't go.

It doesn't need to be the big drama that some people make it. Closest friend and my mother aside, I wasn't particularly arsed who did and didn't attend my wedding, so long as they let me know in plenty of time so I could plan things accordingly.

1forAll74 · 25/05/2021 03:13

No babies, and this is what the bride has requested,so I wouldn't be asking if you can bring yours along..

Fozzleyplum · 25/05/2021 04:46

There are some very odd comments on this thread about bridezillas, but no mention of the groom's part in the decision. We had a child free wedding over 20 years ago. Had we invited childen, it would have added about 60% to the guest numbers, plus we'd learned our lesson from a frriend's wedding at which the ceremony was completely dominated and made inaudible by crying babies and small children running around the church, shouting.

And to the poster who said the marriage would not last, we are still very happily married (with children). And the one invitee who said that if he couldn't bring his toddler to the wedding to be admired, he wasn't coming? He's divorced.

Chunkymenrock · 25/05/2021 04:56

I know you said a hotel for your mum is v far away, but I'd be willing to bet there would be a B+B much nearer she could stay in.

stayathomer · 25/05/2021 05:11

It wasn't child related but some people could only get to the ceremony of our wedding and that they'd managed that meant a lot. Would she be okay with that and would you? People saying op's child will be X, y or a in 3 months, you don't know that and OP cant assume that or she'll be hurrying on everything. I'd say talk to your friend op but it's a tough one as I will say I regret wedding missed because of kids but I was very lucky to have friends who were understanding

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/05/2021 05:34

No children means that

Don’t ask and make bride feel awkward

Simple say sorry we can’t attend as I’m bf baby

If bride wants you there she will say come. Bring baby

A Newborn /babes in arms isn’t a 8mth old who Could be crawling

Or as someone else said , you take mum. She sits in room. You pop back and feed and all go home together if can’t find another room/venue

Bet if you name the area someone on here will suggest an air b&b local to venue

delightfuldaisy19 · 25/05/2021 05:41

No.

I went to a wedding when my dd was 3 months. I expressed beforehand (for baby) and during the wedding (to stop leakages).

There's no way I would have asked to bring her.

Stop being so precious.

MitheringSunday · 25/05/2021 06:05

Of course the couple have a perfect right to invite or exclude whom they wish. But then they have to accept that some people aren't going to choose to tie themselves in knots to accept their invitation. All this 'Just express', 'Just get anoher hotel room'. No. It's only - yes, only - a wedding. A lot of people on here seem to believe the current narrative about weddings that guests are obliged to jump through the most ridiculous hoops because It's A Wedding. Again, no - if someone doesn't want me there enough to make it easy for me to attend, that's fine, no hard feelings, I wish thm well etc, but then I simply won't be attending.

BigHeadBertha · 25/05/2021 06:05

No, I would definitely not ask if I could do something that the bride and groom already specifically said they did not want.

Nearly everyone who has children will have reasons why it would be far more convenient and less expensive for them to bring their child to the wedding anyway.

If you can't attend without your child, then I think the only polite thing to do is decline the invitation.