To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

We were all invited to a family wedding and subsequently all children were uninvited - I assume it was a cost thing, we didn't take offence that it was changed to a no children wedding, we didn't go because we just didn't want to go without our children and didn't have a babysitter for that matter.

[quote Bizawit]@elenacampana don’t patronise me - thanks. My point was- Sometimes it’s not as easy as “get a sitter”. Certainly not for an 8 month old BF baby.[/quote]
You used a hell of a lot of emotive and superfluous words to express that point. Why? What was all that bilge about it being criminally neglectful to not feed your baby?

What is nasty is not to invite children to weddings.
Weddings are about families - 2 single people become one family. Not all families have children, but those that do should be welcomed to the celebration.
Childfree weddings are an abomination (in my opinion) but I totally support women who choose not to have children. Their life, their choice and the best of luck to them.
PS - just as you dont have to like my beloved children who might or might not exist and whom so many of you chose to mock, I dont have to like your beloved childfree weddings and I really dont.

@GreyhoundG1rl I was objecting to a pp saying it was “up to you” whether or not you left your child for the night, and self centred to assume other people needed to accommodate it if you chose not to leave your precious baby.

You stay in the hotel with your mum, DH books an air bnb nearby.

Childfree weddings are an abomination

😂😂 omg what the fuck

I had a few people offer to pay for their own kids to come to the day and I was happy with that.

🍿

and self centred to assume other people needed to accommodate it if you chose not to leave your precious baby.
Well, it is .

Don't leave your precious baby, but don't think that someone else should have "accommodated" you so you didn't have to.
This is getting bizarre.

Some people don’t have families with children. They also need to keep numbers down at the moment, Find a rental place nearby. Although I guess August and staycations make this difficult. I think babies can be a problem a weddings. I am always aghast parents do no take baby or children out when they are noisy/crying during the vows. This is not acceptable. So I do understand the issue. However I would decline if you cannot find a rental house and take grandma.

@Cactusesi

What is nasty is not to invite children to weddings. Weddings are about families - 2 single people become one family. Not all families have children, but those that do should be welcomed to the celebration. Childfree weddings are an abomination (in my opinion) but I totally support women who choose not to have children. Their life, their choice and the best of luck to them. PS - just as you dont have to like my beloved children who might or might not exist and whom so many of you chose to mock, I dont have to like your beloved childfree weddings and I really dont.

What's nasty is calling other peoples choices (which they're paying for by the way) abominations your children were you choice and I can only imagine your reaction if people called them an abomination.

And weddings are about the bride and groom, joining in union and sharing their love with people they love care about. Maybe they just don't want to share that with your children, that doesn't make them evil. It just means they have different priorities to you. There's nothing abominable about children not being the centre of everyone's world, especially those who are child free themselves.

@GreyhoundG1rl I know, you’ve said that multiple times.

@Cactusesi

What is nasty is not to invite children to weddings. Weddings are about families - 2 single people become one family. Not all families have children, but those that do should be welcomed to the celebration. Childfree weddings are an abomination (in my opinion) but I totally support women who choose not to have children. Their life, their choice and the best of luck to them. PS - just as you dont have to like my beloved children who might or might not exist and whom so many of you chose to mock, I dont have to like your beloved childfree weddings and I really dont.

Hahahahaha.

Just insane.

That post is gobsmacking.

Had this exact scenario myself!

Mum came and sat in DH’s b&b room (which was a 5 min drive from the venue) and I drove back 2-3 times to feed. I then slipped out from the wedding at around 10pm and the three of us drove the 2 hours home.

It was all very stressful tbh. The baby screamed the whole time (not because I wasn’t there, he was just a screamer, though normally bfing would bring a bit of respite).
I found my mum wheeling him around a tiny village green at 10pm as he was screaming too loud to keep in the b&b. There were no pavements or streetlights for her to walk anywhere else.

That was after a few weeks of trying to bottle feed which never worked. And the drive itself was a huge ordeal for me.

DH was best man, would not have done it otherwise.

@Bizawit

It's not out of order at all to suggest that your children may be your priority and the center of your world, but they aren't anyone else's, and actually no one else is obliged to want to spend time with, or be disturbed by them.

This is of course true, but if you want to maintain solid relationships with friends who have children, you have to accept they have children. The wedding isn’t the centre of OP’s world, either, but she wants to make an effort to be their to support her friend in something that is important to her friend. I’m sure she’s not that desperate to attend. If you want a child free wedding including no babies, then fine. But theN you should not expect your friends with children/ babies to attend. If you want your friends to be there for you at your wedding, then there are compromises to be made on both sides. That’s all I’m trying to say.

My best friend had a child very young- about 10 years before anyone else in our friendship group. I watched her relationships with peers deteriorate, because no one wanted to make any accommodations for the fact she now had a child , who went with her in tow everywhere (unsupportive partner, single mum, couldn’t afford childcare etc). My relationship with her survived because I realised from the start her child wasn’t just an “optional extra” , it was her life/ her reality now , and if I wanted to remain her friend that was part of the deal. Did I find her child annoying a lot of the time? Yes. Did I think she was self absorbed about her child a lot of the time? Yes. One year we had a really big row about it over my birthday , because I just wanted one night that she spent with me and not fussing over her child (and I was having a party late in a posh restaurant). That night she did leave her child at home but she was annoyed. But for the most part we made it work, and I’m so glad we did as she has been so much there for me over the years as well. Imv that’s what friendship is about and that’s what friends do.

I might have missed it but I don’t think the OP has said her friend is annoyed she might not go? I completely agree that if you have a child free wedding, you can’t get annoyed if people don’t come due to childcare related reasons. I’m not sure that’s the case here as far as we know - most of the comments have been about the bride and groom (thought mostly aimed at the bride) not inviting children in the first place.

I think it’s wonderful you provided that support to your friend, and I agree when friends have children it is right to accept that. I was among the last of my friendship group to have children. Before I had my children most things I did with my friends either involved their children directly, or were planned around my friends’ childcare or children’s routine. And I was happy to do that.

Not having children at the wedding doesn’t mean you don’t accept your friends have children or support them in that. The wedding is one day, it doesn’t define a whole friendship.

I had no children under 10, younger children and babies cry and often during ceremonies

@SlipperyDippery yes that is all fair and I agree.
I was just shocked that people were suggesting that OP make all kinds of crazy arrangements so that she could attend the wedding , but insisting she shouldn’t even ask her friend if her BF baby was allowed as that would be so unreasonable/ such an inconvenience to the bride (to even be asked). It just seemed a little out of balance.

Also at one point OP expressed concern that her friend might be upset if she didn’t attend and said that’s why she was trying really hard to figure out how to make it work.

But I agree the wedding is just one day and doesn’t define a friendship and therefore OP should feel free to decline and no one needs be offended. X

Have you only just been told now that babies/children can't come? If so that's pretty poor of the bride.

Lol at the abomination 😂

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP; your baby is your world and totally get why you wouldn't want to leave him. Guess the difficulty lies in whether she means BF babies or not, my gut would tell me she does mean all children though. Think if this were me, and I wasn't close enough to ask her 'I know it's no children but double-checking does that also mean no babies...' kinda thing, I would check immediately if hotel can add bed for GM. If they can't then I'd decline cos of BF. As others have said, if she wants to, she can then step in and make a concession... Either way though, try not to stress too much over it, as @KarmaStar says "You, your baby are in a very special period which won't last forever" so don't let anything detract from that.

I think some have child free weddings because of the sheer number they'd have to invite. My friend's daughter had child free because 30 of the 75 guests would have been children aged 1 - 9. That's way too large a percentage. Having a child free wedding meant she could invite more friends and family and also have more chance of an enjoyable day for everyone. My own daughter invited all the children of family and friends because there were 90 guests and only 5 children. A much more manageable number. It's not that one likes kids and the other doesn't. The ratio of kids to adults was just too many.

Just decline if she’s not that good a friend. I’d she’s really close then I’d have you’re mam in your room. 5 months isn’t 5 weeks.... I’m sure lo will be fine

Don’t ask your friend if you can bring your baby. You’re not special just because you’re BF. Decline the invite and give the reason why. I wouldn’t want a baby at my wedding if I wasn’t allowing children, I don’t see that there should be an exception

Then you decline the invite. By that stage the baby will be 8 months old. If you're already stressing about leaving a baby who will by that stage be on solids too, then you don't go.

@Lottapianos

Totally unreasonable to ask if your baby can come to an adults only wedding. Perfectly reasonable to send your apologies and not go. Don't tie yourself in knots making daft elaborate plans, just decline politely

The nastiness on this thread towards childfree women / women who had childfree weddings is quite something to behold. Not everyone finds your children as enchanting as you do

Absolutely this. Some of the comments are frankly bizarre. All this talk about children being “banned” too - they’re not banned, they’re just not invited.