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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

803 replies

abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:12

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

OP posts:

SionnachGlic · 24/05/2021 22:15

@36Bizawit

@Phrowzunn

If a compromise solution is not to OP's liking then she should politely decline the invitation & not go....but bride & groom absolutely get to invite who they want at their wedding. I respect the choice to have a child free wedding even if I'm a person who would choose differently...there were 14 babies & toddlers asleep in the corner of my wedding venue, mostly all nieces/nephews, the duvets & pillows given by hotel & little area sectioned off...they were sound asleep into wee hours despite the music & dancing & family members took turns to sit & watch. It was lovely...& parents choice to do that or bring them to their rooms, whatever worked. OP can ask about her baby going if she really wants to...but she should be prepared for bride to say No. But I wouldn't ask for mine to be the exception if I knew strictly no kids...I just would make a compromise arrangement if it suited in the circumstances & I really wanted to be there... or decide early on not go at all.

topwings · 24/05/2021 22:17

Parenting / caring for them is a responsibility/ imperative. It’s not a personal “preference”

That argument only makes sense if you bring your child every single place you go.

Anyway, attending a wedding is not imperative. It's an invite, not a summons.

FTEngineerM · 24/05/2021 22:20

@topwings

Parenting / caring for them is a responsibility/ imperative. It’s not a personal “preference”

That argument only makes sense if you bring your child every single place you go.

Anyway, attending a wedding is not imperative. It's an invite, not a summons.

Also: last time I checked having children was a choice.

Bizawit · 24/05/2021 22:21

@topwings

Parenting / caring for them is a responsibility/ imperative. It’s not a personal “preference”

That argument only makes sense if you bring your child every single place you go.

Anyway, attending a wedding is not imperative. It's an invite, not a summons.

Er yes @topwings that’s precisely what happens with a bf baby, and or with older children when you can’t find other childcare- the issues currently be discussed. Certainly it’s entirely normal not to leave them for hours/ over night.

goshthatsawful · 24/05/2021 22:21

@GreyhoundG1rl

I had a few people offer to pay for their own kids to come to the day and I was happy with that. You really did this, op? 😂. I hope the "Bridezilla" brigade have seen this.

oh no OP PLEASE say this was a joke and you didn’t allow people to PAY for their children to attend your wedding?! if this isn’t a joke, you wondered upthread if you were tight because you didn’t want to pay £158 for your mum’s hotel room. Well...you are tight as fuck

Hollywhiskey · 24/05/2021 22:21

What?! No children surely means no kids that are running round and walking and talking, not tiny breastfed babies in their parents' arms! I have never heard of babes in arms not being allowed to go to child free weddings before except on here.

HomeEdMom · 24/05/2021 22:22

No children means "no children who I'll have to pay for a meal for" and "no children who will be running around spoiling the adult party". Even "no children" weddings I've been to have permitted babies. You are very much not being unreasonable.

RaaRaaeee · 24/05/2021 22:22

If your mum could look after the baby in your room for the ceremony and wedding breakfast, then maybe your friend wouldn't mind the baby being around when things are a bit more relaxed in the evening? Then your mum could drive home maybe?

Bizawit · 24/05/2021 22:23

@FTEngineerM having them may be a choice but that’s not relevant to the matter at hand. Unless
You are calling all parents mumzillas? Once you’ve got them not much you can do except look after them!

Lubiluxe · 24/05/2021 22:23

Fair enough if he was a little baby but he'll be 8 months. Trust me, I'm a nanny! They are in to everything, noisy, etc.. at that age. Of course I think they are the cutest thing in the world, but it doesn't take away from the fact that they are naturally louder at that age. Not to mention potentially crawling. He won't just be laid down breastfeeding on you the entire time.

Either you want to go or you don't. At 8 months many babies have started childcare, they do just fine.

topwings · 24/05/2021 22:24

@Bizawit so then they don't go to the wedding.

Thisisjaaam · 24/05/2021 22:25

Babies are even worse than older children at weddings.
Older children can be disciplined and be well behaved, babies can’t. They’ll cry and squeal and nobody can do anything.

I’d rather have 10 older children at my wedding than one tiny baby.

So yes YABU but as a mother, I see that it is a bit of an awkward one for you. I don’t think that’s the bride’s problem though

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/05/2021 22:25

Er yes @topwings* that’s precisely what happens with a bf baby, and or with older children when you can’t find other childcare- the issues currently be discussed. Certainly it’s entirely normal not to leave them for hours/ over night.
But not remotely abnormal to do so.

Covidworries · 24/05/2021 22:27

We had a lot of children at our wedding. We gave everyone the option to bring childreb or not.
It was lovely and for me the children was part of it.
I also BF my children so regardless of if child is 5 months, 8 months or 15 months. They could very well be very attached to BF. We could go out for a meal and leave them with expressed milk (which they rarely took) but they would wait for a BF and tbh iwould either need to bf or pump if time away was too long. There is a risk of mastitis if mum becomes too engorged.
I went to a wedding around 18months. My boobs got bigger throughout the meal , i got through alot of breast pads and had to spend a bit of time squirting milk into the toilet sink.
Met with child before evening do and then child and my parents were staying at sane hotel as us. My dad had to walk child around hotel trying to settle and keep quiet. I then had child back into our room when they woke up.
So its not easy.

I would go if a room can be found for your mum in the hotel. If not, i wouldnt bother as it will be stressful if child isnt settling at your mums. if you do do take a pump and lots of breast pads

Cactusesi · 24/05/2021 22:28

Always decline decline invitations to weddings that dont allow children.
They are the work of the vain and self-obsessed.

Bizawit · 24/05/2021 22:29

@SionnachGlic aww your wedding sounds lovely.

Of course people have the right to invite anyone they want- no one is suggesting otherwise. (They may be entitled- But I do think banning bf babies is inconsiderate and self absorbed). But then the bride and groom can’t be surprised/
Offended when people aren’t able to attend. What I’m shocked by is the lengths people are suggesting the OP should go to to accommodate this, all the while insisting the bride / groom make no accomodatjon. clearly the OP feels obliged to attend/ worried that it might be rude/ unsupportive not to go to her friend’s wedding , Which is understandable/ often how people feel about weddings/ the norm. Consideration and support should go both ways is all I’m saying.

Bizawit · 24/05/2021 22:31

@GreyhoundG1rl

Er yes @topwings* that’s precisely what happens with a bf baby, and or with older children when you can’t find other childcare- the issues currently be discussed. Certainly it’s entirely normal not to leave them for hours/ over night. But not remotely abnormal to do so.

Not at all. That’s fine if it suits the parents / baby. But this is not a baby who takes a bottle or a mother who expresses milk.

aiwblam · 24/05/2021 22:31

I'd ask the bride if there are any spare hotel rooms for your mum to stay in. If not, then don't go. Too many hoops to jump through.

ShoutingBirb · 24/05/2021 22:33

@Cactusesi

Always decline decline invitations to weddings that dont allow children. They are the work of the vain and self-obsessed.

😂😂😂

thisisbull · 24/05/2021 22:35

@abystarrs there is a house in chester city centre that is on skyes cottages. It was the house we sold to a couple who wanted to start a family and then immediately put it on air bnb I'm always tempted to stay in it. They changed nothing at all www.sykescottages.co.uk/cottage/North-Wales-Snowdonia-Chester/Canning-House-942083.html

Maggiesfarm · 24/05/2021 22:35

@Onceuponatime1818

Can your mum have him in your room for the day and book somewhere local for her after?

That sounds like a good idea!

Clymene · 24/05/2021 22:35

At 8 months he should be fine to be left overnight. You have 3 months to practice.

If you're not happy doing that, your mum can look after him in the afternoon and puts him to bed, you leave early and your mum goes home.

But don't make it the bride's problem. He's not a newborn - he's a weaned baby and there's no reason can't leave him.

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/05/2021 22:35

What I’m shocked by is the lengths people are suggesting the OP should go to to accommodate this, all the while insisting the bride / groom make no accomodatjon.
To be fair, lots of people told her not to bloody go if it's such a problem 😂
The bride and groom don't have to make any accommodation whatsoever for other people's uninvited children.
That's how the world works. All the posters saying they'd do it differently are missing the point.

Lottapianos · 24/05/2021 22:37

Totally unreasonable to ask if your baby can come to an adults only wedding. Perfectly reasonable to send your apologies and not go. Don't tie yourself in knots making daft elaborate plans, just decline politely

The nastiness on this thread towards childfree women / women who had childfree weddings is quite something to behold. Not everyone finds your children as enchanting as you do

bonbonours · 24/05/2021 22:37

Friends of ours had a no kids wedding when DD2 was only 1 month old and EBF. I was quite shocked they wouldn't make an exception for a tiny baby, but I now realise people who don't have kids yet have no idea. Having now had two kids themselves I think they would look back and think it was unreasonable.
Luckily for me their wedding was very close to my parents house so I was able to go back and forth to feed her throughout the day and night which was a pain, but just doable.

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