AIBU to not want to give rescue dog up?

[WagsPlease]

Posting here for more traffic than on The Doghouse. Also name changed as outing.

We've had a rescue dog for three weeks and he's not settling in with us at all. He basically stays on his bed all the time, looking frightened of us. He will come off to wee/poo - sometimes outside if he can make it out there before seeing any of us/ if we're out of the way. But more often when we're asleep (i.e. on the floor). He's 4. Came over from Greece. Not a street dog or mistreated, but just severely traumatised by the journey/ new environment I think.

We've had some glimmers of hope, but only when a friend has come round with her dogs. He will approach my friend and come out into teh garden and play around. He never ever does that with us - won't ever approach us. The most I've managed to get him to willingly do is take some treats directly from my hand.

We've tried everything. Ignoring him completing. Dropping treats on his bed when we go past. Trying to coax him off on a lead to wee/poo in garden. Etc etc.

The rescue have said that they have a foster lined up for him if we don't feel we can manage any more.

About 50% of my friends/ family say we should give him up to foster. The other 50% say just give him time and space and he'll come to us eventually.

My concern is that he'll never fully relax with us (it's me, DH, and DC 8 & 5) , but I also don't want to give up on him.

What do we do???

Sorry - not sure where the voting thing came from.

And ‘completing’ should be ‘completely’!

It's only been 3 weeks! He needs more time.

Can you get your friend to spend time with you, sit next to you, go for walks with dog etc, so he can associate you with her?

What does she do that makes him approach her?

I think three weeks is early days so no I wouldn't be going up on him yet. Don't force it, or him. tend to his basic needs obviously but I think for now just let him potter about and do his own thing and I'm sure eventually he will start coming to you of his own accord. Give i† more time, he'll be fine.

It takes approximately 3 months for a dog to settle in a new home and even that depends on the dog. Give him time.

It sounds like a really difficult situation. Have you tried sitting near by and talking to him gently while keeping your body language relaxed?
Or trying to connect with him while your friend is there?

We had a quite badly abused dog as a rescue once and it took us identifying all of his triggers and there were many before he started bonding with us. He was scared if the dark, quick movements near him he was also scared of loud noises and he had been starved.
We had a dog psychologist which really helped.

My friend has come as often as she can, which is once a week. She doesn’t do anything differently to us. When we’re around he won’t come off his bed at all. With her, she sat on the floor near him and he was off his bed within about 3 minutes, sniffing her. After a while longer we got up and walked to the garden and he followed us. I’ve tried doing the same - just sitting near him and chucking treats. But while he might sometimes venture a foot or so off his bed to get the treat that’s as far as he’ll go.

He’s so different around my friend than us. He even wagged his tail for her.

I just think we all worry him! He’s frightened of men. I think the DC’s voices worry him (and they’re not particularly loud or excitable). He came out into the garden yesterday when me and the DC were out there (first time he’s done that) and he was so frightened. It breaks my heart that he feels so scared with us and not my friend.

I was looking at spaniel rescue site the other day that rehomes overseas rescue dogs. The majority would only be rehomed to people who already had a dog because that was what the dogs needed to feel safe & learn how to live in a family.

If this dog needs a companion it might be better to for the dog to go to foster.

It takes months for a rescued dog to settle in. My rescue took 6 months and it was 6 months of him barring his teeth at us and hunching over ready to attack . The same way as an abused person can’t recover in 3 weeks neither can a dog.

@Shelby2010 yes I think another dog would help him feel safer. He lived with lots of dogs before. And probably a home without DC.

Thing is he’s such a sweet dog. No signs of aggression or anything destructive. He’s just totally withdrawn into himself. Seeing him come out of his shell when my friend’s been here is both wonderful and heartbreaking. I want him to feel safe with us, but wonder if that will ever happen?

He’s not been abused @CharlotteRose90. But he’s clearly been badly affected by the upheaval of leaving his home and the journey.

Did the dog come straight to you from Greece or was he in a rescue facility first? I’m not sure where you are based but I’m Manchester there’s a fab charity called Dogs4rescue who bring dogs over from overseas and rehabilitate them as part of a pack to help them heal before they are rehomed. Maybe an organisation like this might be able to offer you some support.

He needs space and peace. I’m not sure kids and traumatised rescue dogs mix well. Kids are too noisy for rescues.

Make him a den near the door for access to the garden. Buy a crate, cover in blankets and make it cosy, never shut the door. He needs a safe space where he can observe your normal day and time to rest.

He needs to learn to trust you and have the time to watch you go about your business without bothering him. He is probably picking up on you (understandable) anxiety about him.

It took my girl 3 solid: months before she ventured out properly and claimed a spot next to the sofa as hers.

Straight to us @Daisy829. Not near Manchester unfortunately

Yes @Peace43 that’s my worry. I think he needs complete quiet and calm to get over his trauma. And while the DC have been amazing about being quiet and calm I can’t expect them to be silent for how ever many months it takes...

Ach. It’s so hard. I keep on picking up the phone to contact the rescue to tell them we can’t do it anymore, but then thinking ‘just one more day’ and maybe he’ll give us a sign he’s beginning to trust us.

It’s only been 3 weeks. He’s been through massive changes. Give him time to settle and trust you. Poor boy.

@CanIBeACurlyGirl the lay out of our house means we can’t have his den near the back door. It’s really unfortunate as I think that would help massively. But there’s nothing we can do about that.

We didn’t crate him because the rescue advised us not to . Wish we had. But now I don’t want to unsettle him further by introducing a crate. It would also mean having to physically move him from his spot and that just really scares him. At the beginning he was peeing in fear if we even went near him

Can you move his bed around? Like in the lounge with you all when you are watching TV? In the kitchen when you are all gathered there etc?

I would stop chucking him treats as he's being praised for being scared, if that makes sense. Give him a treat when he does something that slightly brings him out of his shell, such as giving you a sniff, coming up to you, looking you in the eye etc. I'd also try to ignore mostly so as not to overwhelm him, but when he comes to you give him a cuddle, praise, treat. Maybe do some sitting with your back to him gently talking to him in the evening when he's sat in his bed.

I think he needs a little bit more time, everything is still so very new to him right now.

Along a similar vein, many years ago my Grandparents were gifted a Persian cat from a man who used to enter them in cat shows. He gave this one up as it was too nervous. When my grandparents got the cat home it shot off to one of the bedrooms and apart from food being eaten and the litter tray being used, they didn’t see hide nor hair of him for about 2 months until one day he wandered in and jumped up on the sofa next to them. He was just sussing them and his new environment out and decided that, yeah, they were ok.

It’s been 3 weeks! You need to give him more time. Plus I’d never believe the rescue saying he wasn’t abused.

You sound like you really want to help him, I’d be tempted to try to find some support before you decide to rehome him. Maybe contact the charity I’ve mentioned and see if they have links in your area who might be able to help you. Not necessarily to take him in but offer some advice on how to settle him. Good luck.

It really does sound like he benefits from being around other experienced dogs, if he was more confident when your friend visits with her dogs. It's really not your fault or anything you've done wrong - some dogs just really benefit from the company of their own species! I'd give it a bit more time, see if having your friend visit with her calm dogs helps, but I wouldn't rule out the foster home if it looks like that's what's best for him.

Far too early for dog to settle. Our boy was recued from the dogs home.

Rampaged round the house for 3 months . We had to teach him to enjoy a cuddle and love. He is now 3 and a big cuddle bug. hang on in there and be patient.

We rescued a Romanian dog in November. We could barely touch her until December without her panicking.

You need to be much more patient eh him at the moment! He's not got a clue what's happening to him, he needs lots of time to learn to trust you all.

Maybe you are trying too hard? Just go about your business talking generally to him as you do, but don’t focus on him at all. Just back off and let him come to you in his own time, rather than going up to him.