AIBU to not want to give rescue dog up?

[WagsPlease]

Posting here for more traffic than on The Doghouse. Also name changed as outing.

We've had a rescue dog for three weeks and he's not settling in with us at all. He basically stays on his bed all the time, looking frightened of us. He will come off to wee/poo - sometimes outside if he can make it out there before seeing any of us/ if we're out of the way. But more often when we're asleep (i.e. on the floor). He's 4. Came over from Greece. Not a street dog or mistreated, but just severely traumatised by the journey/ new environment I think.

We've had some glimmers of hope, but only when a friend has come round with her dogs. He will approach my friend and come out into teh garden and play around. He never ever does that with us - won't ever approach us. The most I've managed to get him to willingly do is take some treats directly from my hand.

We've tried everything. Ignoring him completing. Dropping treats on his bed when we go past. Trying to coax him off on a lead to wee/poo in garden. Etc etc.

The rescue have said that they have a foster lined up for him if we don't feel we can manage any more.

About 50% of my friends/ family say we should give him up to foster. The other 50% say just give him time and space and he'll come to us eventually.

My concern is that he'll never fully relax with us (it's me, DH, and DC 8 & 5) , but I also don't want to give up on him.

What do we do???

Didn't you post about this a few days ago?

It’s way too early, it’s been a traumatic experience for him. This is very normal. My rescue took about 2 months to truly settle and I was up with her in the night for much of that time. But that’s what I signed up for

@Twoforthree

Maybe you are trying too hard? Just go about your business talking generally to him as you do, but don’t focus on him at all. Just back off and let him come to you in his own time, rather than going up to him.

This is really good advice. Try ignoring him but talking. When you walk in to the room say hi and let him know what you are doing just like you would do with children.

He needs dog company. Anyone else got a dog who you can ask to come round?

I have no issue with it taking time. Giving him space (which is what we’re already doing). Other than dropping treats and proving food and water we don’t approach him or try to engage with him. But is it cruel to keep him here where he seems so unhappy? Seeing him with my friend is what has really made me question this. The fact that he came up to her of his own accord, something he has never ever done with us, is what’s making me think it would be kinder to let him go and live somewhere he finds less scary. But but but...

@Beamur yes I posted on Doghouse but didn’t get many responses, so thought I’d try here instead.

But honestly, I suspect he’s just not the right dog for your house. Nothing to do with you, just he needs something different. Sorry.

It does sound like he’s particularly traumatised poor thing maybe he would be better off in a home with another dog however I think after three weeks it’s just too soon to say.

I’m also surprised that the rescue were willing to move him somewhere else quite so quickly have they properly considered his needs/assessed him before placing him I wonder

I am sorry but it seems like your home is not a good match however much you want it to be. Very sad, but best for all.

@NoSquirrels

But honestly, I suspect he’s just not the right dog for your house. Nothing to do with you, just he needs something different. Sorry.

Yes I think you’re right. But it makes us all so sad to think of giving up on him. It’s been a really hard 3 weeks. Especially for the DC who were so excited about him coming.

Obviously if it’s the best thing for him we will give him up. I suppose it’s knowing when to make that decision...

Honestly our rescue who also wasn't super badly treated took a good 6 months to properly start calming down.

We also had the bed in what we thought was a good spot (pantry just off kitchen) but in reality she didn't like it. Now she is literally in the middle of the house right under the stairs!! And she loves it.

I think buy a few cheap beds so the dog has some options.
Iots of nice hand fed treats and kind strokes. We stopped being remotely strict in terms of not letting her on furniture and would pick her up and bring her onto the sofa with us.
Lots of soft blankets (the really fuzzy soft kind) in blankets and on her bed and we also got a load of cheap Poundland toys (We tried a selection to find out what she liked)

We thought she was totalllllllly sedate and it's was only in month 7-8 that her really playful side came out and now she loves dashing around and being chased which is SUCH A JOY (vs cowering on all 4 paws and looking sad )

Don't give up its very early days.

@Figgygal. No the ‘rescue’ is not particularly responsible in the way they rehome their dogs. But that’s another thread.

Hey OP, this might be a long shot but have you learnt any Greek? If he was in a Greek home as you say, it might be worth it to learn ‘hello’ ‘come here’ and ‘good boy/girl’ in the language. Rescue dogs can take AGES to warm up, it’s likely that your friend having happy dogs that is helping him realise she’s friendly. Keep at it for another few weeks/months, just keep his own area calm and safe. Try adaptil near his bed too, it works for dogs with anxiety so it might be worth a go?

Please give him a little more time! I got a Bulgarian rescue, and honestly everything was a struggle at first. DD was 3 when he arrived and whereas she loved him from the first minute, he was a little more wary of her. He will get there, it can take them months to get over the journey over and for his new house to really feel like home. If you don't have a breakthrough in another month then maybe he isn't right for you but I think he will settle in a bit more by then.

The rescue people should have assessed him and decided a home with children and, possibly even a man, wouldn't work for him. Perhaps your friends' dogs 'spoke' to him in some way to say she was a safe person. Three weeks is not long enough to try to help him be more comfortable with your family. Could you borrow her dogs for a few days?

Poor dog I think if you want to keep him and can manage then you should . Just "manage" him feeding and toileting chatting to him as you pass see how it goes. Your friend maybe gives off relaxed vibes that's why he goes to her.

I would give him time, and bit by bit he should get used to you and family, and gain some confidence, He has had a big upheaval in life, so will be nervous of all things. The children need to treat him kindly if he is not used to children.

It's lovely to see some dogs, who can transform in nature,when given lots of good treatment from people,, as in those you see on TV, at the Battersea dogs place, with Paul O GRADY.

Rescue dogs are complicated because what works for one, doesn’t necessarily work for another. Time definitely does help, so don’t be too discouraged. Do you have a routine for him? Sometimes after the chaos of the rescue/surrender and travelling to the new home it leaves the dogs feeling anxious. Having set times for things like breakfast, dinner, walks and bed time can help them feel secure.

Whilst you are trying to figure him out, he’s trying to figure you out, your home and his place in it. Whilst you are keen to make a connection to him, you are probably giving off some tension and nervous energy which he then reflects back to you, where as your friend doesn’t need the connection and is more relaxed. It doesn’t sound like you are doing too badly though. So consistent behaviour, always positive, calm with no pressure and if you start to feel frustrated just walk away for 5 minutes.

My last rescue dog (ex stray) was a long term project and it took 12 months to get fully settled but I wouldn’t have swapped him for anything. Good luck!

I would get a crate so he has the option.
We got one for ours shes very indifferent but it was there for her.

I think leaving the dog alone probably isn't helping. I'd be hand feeding and stoking the dog to build trust.

I am not mega experienced but it was what we did with ours who was really was very flinchy and scared (lots of terror pees!)

Two things, first thing as a poster said learn a bit of Greek (loads of videos on YouTube) just basic commands especially good boy, we fostered a Polish dog who we thought hadn't been taught any commands but he just knew Polish.

Second, you sadly have no idea about how he was treated in the four years, many places have very different ideas on what is acceptable treatment of dogs. My latest has taken six months to really settle and she arrived via a friend who had a major change in circumstances, I had know her since a pup and know that she hasn't been mis treated but it's still taken six months for her to truly realise that she is one of our family now.

Saying all that, if you know in your heart that you can't see it through then rehome sooner rather than later.

I’m sure we are giving off nervous energy @Tippytappytoes! It’s been a massively stressful couple of weeks and a hugely steep learning curve for us.

I really can’t tell whether we should or shouldn’t leave him alone @JackieWeaverFever. The experts (behaviourist) said to leave him alone completely. But then my friend came in and went right up to him and sat by him and he was happy to go up to her himself a few minutes later. But, he doesn’t seem happy when we approach him (gives off typical calming signals of lip licking, yawning, rolling onto his back)

Whilst you are keen to make a connection to him, you are probably giving off some tension and nervous energy which he then reflects back to you, where as your friend doesn’t need the connection and is more relaxed. It doesn’t sound like you are doing too badly though. So consistent behaviour, always positive, calm with no pressure

I agree with this. Not at all your fault but the stakes are high obviously and you will be anxious - I’m underlyingly anxious every time we get a new animal and I don’t even really realise it until they start to seem more familiar to have around.

My dog is an overseas rescue. She didn’t have any trust issues but she wasn’t ‘herself’ until over 3 months.

If you’re not ready to make a decision yet I’d give yourself a fixed date to work towards rather than trying to assess on a day by day basis. Say another 3 weeks?

Get a crate and more beds, make them cosy. You can put the crate next to where the current bed is - you don’t need to move them. Then drop treats inside there too for them to discover when you’re out of the way.

Are you 100% sure there’s nowhere closer to the back door you can make room for a bed? Hopefully the weather will improve soon and you can leave doors open.

Ignore mostly and drop treats etc but don’t be afraid to sit quietly with a book or a podcast or watch the TV and give them gentle strokes too or hand feed. You need bucketloads of patience,

I have a rescue from Greece it took him around 6 months to settle and pluck up the courage to trust us. Please do t give up and put the dog through more upheaval after 3 weeks! The dog will love you all but he’s terrified and shut down. Time time time and gentle care.

@WagsPlease

I’m sure we are giving off nervous energy *@Tippytappytoes*! It’s been a massively stressful couple of weeks and a hugely steep learning curve for us.

I really can’t tell whether we should or shouldn’t leave him alone @JackieWeaverFever. The experts (behaviourist) said to leave him alone completely. But then my friend came in and went right up to him and sat by him and he was happy to go up to her himself a few minutes later. But, he doesn’t seem happy when we approach him (gives off typical calming signals of lip licking, yawning, rolling onto his back)

Our rescue spent the first 3 months on her back, I reckon. But it’s OK to do some stroking and then back off again. As long as they know you are always consistent, always gentle, always leave with a treat, then a bit of physical touch building up trust is helpful. Don’t get so hung up on yawning etc - watching their signs is really, really important and the kids especially must respect the dog’s space but I think a certain amount of those signs are just to be expected.

I think you need to give it more time.

Why would you want to ship him off to another house when he is quite clearly traumatized by moving around?

Stop 'trying everything' and just go about your daily routine.

Include the dog in this but don't force anything. Food, strokes (or just sitting near him, whatever the dog is comfortable with), time in the garden etc... Set up a routine for the dog and little by little you should start to see him come out of their shell. Dogs thrive on routine and stability.

Leave the dog alone for the most part and don't get over-excited when he shows signs of doing something he wouldn't normally do. If he gets off his bed don't do anything just observe. I would get a little pen or a crate for him which can be his safe space - no one but him should go in there.

Watching a dog come out of its shell is one of the most rewarding things you can do! Your DC are learning that animals have real feelings and can be scared just like they can, they will love him even more when he begins to trust them.

Definitely keep having dogs round if he gets a little more confident with them around. Play and stroke those dogs so your dog can see that you're not scary but don't try and involve him unless he wants to be involved.