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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a stroppy SIL over this?

129 replies

TheStroppySIL · 24/05/2021 12:01

DH and I got married in our 20's, 3 years before SIL. When we got married we were told that PIL couldn't contribute towards it and they all cried over it. In the end, they gave DH just under 1K and didn't buy us a wedding gift. SIL gave DH loads of grief over this money. We had a very small wedding. At this point, it sounds like I am grabby, but let me further explain.

Then SIL got married and PIL gave her 20K (20+ years ago this was a lot) and she had the most unbelievable wedding in a location we all had to travel to and pay to stay at. A few months later they separated and it turned out she didn't want to get married to her DH, she just wanted her big day. Her words.

Now SIL is getting married again and wants an even bigger shebang which is going to cost everyone loads of money to travel to again. PIL have been asked to contribute, and will probably give her quite a lot. FYI this is not a cultural thing. They are British but seem to have a very old-fashioned attitude towards weddings. I get that, but it is very disproportionate IMO.

I am quite pissed off about this. I think SIL is a serious CF'er and needs to be told. She is now 50 and she acts like a child. Our PIL have never done a single thing for us. MIL has never even babysat her own DGC. I do way more for them and am always being roped into making birthday cakes for everyone, hosting Christmas and Easter and cooking Sunday lunch etc. I'm sick of it.

PIL are really not loaded but have a bit of a buffer after scrimping and saving over years. If it was my sibling I would be telling them to pay for their own wedding and stop tapping into my parents. Also, I think they treat my DH and his sis very disproportionately and I really don't like it. I'd love to tell them where to get off on his behalf.

The long and short of it is that this has really irritated me and I feel like just taking a massive step back and saying from now on I am not lifting a finger for any of them, nor am I spending any of my money on anything for them. In a way, I am glad because I don't owe any of them anything, but I am still really annoyed.

AIB a diva?

OP posts:
Newpuppymummy · 24/05/2021 12:03

You can be annoyed but I don’t think it’s any of your business how they spend their money. I don’t get the my parents/pil have given us nothing thing! You’ve said they aren’t loaded, why should they?

KinseyWinsey · 24/05/2021 12:06

It's not up your business how they spend their money.

It's annoying and it's your DJ's inheritance they're spending on your sil but it's your pil's money .

Nothing you can do. You can seethe but it's nothing to do with you.

Cloudfrost · 24/05/2021 12:08

Yanbu over the masive favoritism, and yes if the relationship is one way (where you are the one always doing things and thhey dont do much for you) then take a step back. i am gonna bet that once they are older and they health deteriorates its going to be you and not the SIL that will b expected to take care of them...

OrangeRug · 24/05/2021 12:08

I can see why you're irritated but unfortunately it's up to them how they spend their money. If I was you I wouldn't go to the wedding though if it's going to be expensive and a PITA to travel there. But then again I just hate weddings in general.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 24/05/2021 12:12

It could be favouritism or it could be traditionalism. Are they the kind of people who believe the bride’s parents should pay fir the wedding (and not the groom’s parents)? I don’t think you can use that excuse fir a second wedding, though.

Either way, it is none of your business how they spend their money. And you shouldn’t have expectations of them.

Based on what you have said, I would not have a very high opinion of SIL though but, again, none of my/your business so keep it to yourself.

Wiglio · 24/05/2021 12:13

I’m with you OP, you can’t do anything about how they spend their money but as you said you can step back from the hosting and whatever else you do for your PIL

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/05/2021 12:14

YANBU to be annoyed
Yanbu to stop making cakes, hosting things, organising things etc when they don't reciprocate.
Yabu to tell them they cant spend money on their daughter or tell their daughter not to ask them for money.
I think your husband can do this though. He could speak to his sister and suggest that they might need their own money to have a comfortable retirement. If I was him I'd do this more from a 'I know you're concerned about our parents and want them to have a comfortable life and be able to afford help when they are older' etc rather than from a 'you're being a greedy cow', as if anyone comes at her from that angle, no doubt she will kick off at not being supportive of her marriage etc.
I'd also suggest he speak to his parents and tell them he is worried that they are feeling pressured into this and it's ok to say no if they feel like they need the money for themselves.

It's odd if they are so traditional that they think they should pay for the daughters wedding and not the sons, but then are still considering paying out a shit load for a second wedding, which is traditionally a lot quieter.

There isnt much you can do though other than try and protect yourself from the drama and unfairness

rookiemere · 24/05/2021 12:15

YANBU. Are you going to foreign wedding this time round?

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 24/05/2021 12:15

I don't think you're grabby but the discrepancy is very noticeable.

Did they feel it was your parents responsibility to pay for the wedding rather than theirs, if they are old fashioned?

Nevertheless you're not wrong to decide spending money and time on people who don't reciprocate is going to come to an end.

Billandben444 · 24/05/2021 12:17

Historically the bride's parents paid for her wedding which might explain the first one but not the second. I agree it's nothing to do with you but I can see why you feel mugged off so would back away, leave them to buy Mr Kipling in future and not bother with the diva's wedding. What does your husband think about it all?

Noshowlomo · 24/05/2021 12:18

I think 50 year olds shouldn't expect their parents to pay for their weddings..

mainsfed · 24/05/2021 12:19

I do way more for them and am always being roped into making birthday cakes for everyone, hosting Christmas and Easter and cooking Sunday lunch etc. I'm sick of it.

I'm not surprised you're sick of it, you're the skivvy and mug to the people.

I feel like just taking a massive step back and saying from now on I am not lifting a finger for any of them, nor am I spending any of my money on anything for them.

This is the right approach, but don't SAY anything, you will be scapegoated. Just quietly be busy whenever they need anything and if they ask for anything just tell them to speak to DH.

Also, if the wedding is too expensive, don't go!

Cam2020 · 24/05/2021 12:20

FYI this is not a cultural thing. They are British but seem to have a very old-fashioned attitude towards weddings.

You've just contradicted yourself right there. It is a cultural thing, then. In British culture it is traditional for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding!

Cam2020 · 24/05/2021 12:22

I can see why you're irritated though, but just step back and say no in future before getting roped into things!

Returnoftheowl · 24/05/2021 12:23

Stop doing things for them. They've made it clear who the favourite it, let her do the donkey work. If she doesn't then fine, still not your problem.

GyozaPoser · 24/05/2021 12:24

If SIL is 50 then PIL must be in their 70s at least. I'd say most from that generation expected to pay for their daughter's but not son's weddings. It doesn't strike me as odd. If you feel you were only helping them having a relationship on the basis of an inheritance then do step back but it seems a shame.

Tisgrand · 24/05/2021 12:24

Well I haven't voted, as yanbu for taking a major step back but yabu for doing so much for them in the past 20+ years. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Fwiw here in Ireland up til fairly recently its been a tradition for parents to pay for their daughter's wedding. Could this be the reason there was such a disparity between what you and DH got and what sil got?

Anyhow rather than throwing a strop, if it was me I'd just quietly withdraw. No more hosting or baking, either have an excuse ready or simply laugh and say, ah no surely its someone else's turn I hosted/baked last year and the year before and oh, the year before that too... Presumably you don't want to cause WW3 and completely cut youselves off from DH's family?

And yes of course PIL can spend their money however they wish but there does seem to be a bit of favouritism going on, I don't think they're going to have a lightbulb moment at this stage though! SIL is obviously a taker, who'd want to be like her?

NoMoreAngelDelight · 24/05/2021 12:25

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all but only your dH can say something to his parents, and he needs to because it’s not fair as his parents are treating him so unfairly. I would also stop hosting and making cakes and other stuff because they clearly don’t give a shit about your feelings.

frazzledasarock · 24/05/2021 12:26

These are two separate issues.

You feel put upon for being ‘roped into baking cakes’ and hosting stuff etc

And your ILS helping contributing to your SIL’s wedding.

The former only do what you want, you don’t owe anyone anything. It’s down to you entirely if you are the one baking cakes and forever hosting things, you don’t have to do any of those things nobody can make you. It’s down to you entirely.

Your IL’s funding your SIL’s lifestyle choices is their choice. You have no say in that.

Also it sounds like you don’t really like your SIL much so I wouldn’t bother going to her wedding if it’s going to cost you a load of money and you really don’t want to attend. That’s also down to you.

Hoppinggreen · 24/05/2021 12:26

It’s up to them how they spend their money and it’s up to you how much effort you make for them.

JackieWeaverFever · 24/05/2021 12:26

Yanbu but you are unhappy because you are investing into the relationship and they aren't. Once you stop bothering its less annoying as it's less equal.

Agree with this
Yanbu to stop making cakes, hosting things, organising things etc when they don't reciprocate

just stop totally. "Sorry not convenient to host sunday dinner we have a busy week so preping all sunday" " no I don't have time to make a cake - maybe try waitrose they do nice ones!"
If they are foisted upon you and you must cook it's tuna pasta bake or pasta and pesto. Every. Time. And no wine as you are cutting down drinking Grin

£20 gift at birthday and Christmas for everyone.

I'd combine the wedding with a short trip so you can get in / get out fast. I would not be staying at expensive castle accomodation (you cant as non refunable hol accomodation is already booked! So sad!!) Find a travel lodge drive there and don't drink. Get them a toaster / £50 John Lewis voucher and then enjoy your trip to make district/Cotswolds/whatever.

I wouldn't say anything to PIL because you'd be wasting your time. Ultimately their money, their business.

Very hurtful for your DH though.

user1471457751 · 24/05/2021 12:27

I would never do a single thing for them again. They clearly favour one child over another even after that horrible stunt with the first wedding.if I had given someone 20k for their wedding and they turned around after 3 months of marriage to say they only wanted the big day not the marriage, then I would be furious. Your ILs are mugs

UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea · 24/05/2021 12:37

It’s not your business, and it would be outrageous of you to wade in ‘on DH’s behalf’; you’d only be doing it on your own behalf, not his, and they aren’t your parents!

HarebrightCedarmoon · 24/05/2021 12:38

The disparity is terrible, whatever their excuse. Stop doing so much for them, they don't deserve it.

Cerealtree · 24/05/2021 12:38

Don’t go to the wedding and stop doing things/ spending money on them