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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a stroppy SIL over this?

129 replies

TheStroppySIL · 24/05/2021 12:01

DH and I got married in our 20's, 3 years before SIL. When we got married we were told that PIL couldn't contribute towards it and they all cried over it. In the end, they gave DH just under 1K and didn't buy us a wedding gift. SIL gave DH loads of grief over this money. We had a very small wedding. At this point, it sounds like I am grabby, but let me further explain.

Then SIL got married and PIL gave her 20K (20+ years ago this was a lot) and she had the most unbelievable wedding in a location we all had to travel to and pay to stay at. A few months later they separated and it turned out she didn't want to get married to her DH, she just wanted her big day. Her words.

Now SIL is getting married again and wants an even bigger shebang which is going to cost everyone loads of money to travel to again. PIL have been asked to contribute, and will probably give her quite a lot. FYI this is not a cultural thing. They are British but seem to have a very old-fashioned attitude towards weddings. I get that, but it is very disproportionate IMO.

I am quite pissed off about this. I think SIL is a serious CF'er and needs to be told. She is now 50 and she acts like a child. Our PIL have never done a single thing for us. MIL has never even babysat her own DGC. I do way more for them and am always being roped into making birthday cakes for everyone, hosting Christmas and Easter and cooking Sunday lunch etc. I'm sick of it.

PIL are really not loaded but have a bit of a buffer after scrimping and saving over years. If it was my sibling I would be telling them to pay for their own wedding and stop tapping into my parents. Also, I think they treat my DH and his sis very disproportionately and I really don't like it. I'd love to tell them where to get off on his behalf.

The long and short of it is that this has really irritated me and I feel like just taking a massive step back and saying from now on I am not lifting a finger for any of them, nor am I spending any of my money on anything for them. In a way, I am glad because I don't owe any of them anything, but I am still really annoyed.

AIB a diva?

OP posts:
twinmum2007 · 24/05/2021 13:25

She's 50 and still needs her family to.pay for her 2nd wedding? Blimey.

notangelinajolie · 24/05/2021 13:25

they gave DH just under 1K and didn't buy us a wedding gift
They gave him 1k and you don't consider it a gift? Ik sounds like a very generous gift to me.

FYI this is not a cultural thing. They are British but seem to have a very old-fashioned attitude towards weddings
It is very much a cultural thing. It is a British tradition for the brides parents to pay for the wedding. If they have an old fashioned attitude towards weddings then I would assume they thought your family would pay for it. You don't say if they did or not? When me and DH got married my parents paid for it and DH's parents gave a contribution. Coincidentally, it was 1k.
Likewise, DH's parents paid for their own daughter's (DH's sister) wedding.

As far as your inlaws paying towards their DD's second wedding. Although many years have passed, as parents of the bride they may still feel that they are obliged to pay for it. TBH, it's their money and they can spend it as they wish.

dottiedodah · 24/05/2021 13:27

I assume that they paid for your SIL wedding as that used to be the case of Brides parents paying everything .However the second wedding is a bit much IMO! Again not really done anything wrong as such ,you say they are not loaded and thats fine .Why are you being dumped with all the Sunday /Christmas lunches and cake making FFS? Just say breezily "Local Carvery has an offer on Sunday" ,or why not ask everyone to bring a picnic to the beach/park .Bugger all that cooking for people who arent grateful!

MintyMabel · 24/05/2021 13:29

Her parents can do what they like. It is none of your business.

If you don't want to go, then don't.

Tubs11 · 24/05/2021 13:29

Stop doing so much for them for a start. If SIL or PIL want to pay for the wedding so be it. Its hurtful for sure not to mention old fashioned and poor parenting but I'd leave well alone.

tattleandbagels · 24/05/2021 13:30

@Coyoacan

So, if I understand rightly, your SIL, had a short unhappy marriage and then remained single for a very long time and is now getting married again in her fifties. If I were her mother I would be pushing the boat out for her too.

I myself am happily old and single, but don't most parents not want our adult children to be single forever?

well, yes, but that's why most people would have also celebrated their SON's wedding to the OP.

What kind of parent doesn't even give a wedding gift! Confused

Original poster
TheStroppySIL · 24/05/2021 13:32

My is very annoyed and upset but isn't assertive enough to do anything about it. He will just suck it up.

I thought we had moved on from old-fashioned tradition in the UK. My parents gave both my DB and me the same money to get married and I thought nothing of it. Plus, I didn't expect loads off them. After the hand wringing, I didn't actually want to accept the money off my PIL but DH accepted it.

Letitgo, as far as I am concerned my PIL have never once lifted a finger to help us and complained loudly on the 2 occasions we asked for help. Therefore, I owe them nothing and I am not obligated to help them when they are older. My DSIL, who revels in her Goldenchild status, can help them out.

It is coming across as not liking my SIL. I don't. I have many friends around this age and she is the only one who acts like a spoilt brat. She actually acts like a spoilt 12 year old.

OP posts:
Twoforthree · 24/05/2021 13:33

Well now she’s married agin it equals things up an she can “host” from now on…

And money is a “bit tight” to spend on a huge trip to attend yet another expensive wedding.

cptartapp · 24/05/2021 13:34

SIL here got a £10k house deposit and all her wedding paid for. DH got nothing. The favouritism then extended to GC.
Just see a lot less of them.

HappyWinter · 24/05/2021 13:35

Don't say anything to them as it will start an argument, just withdraw and stop doing things for them in a low key/neutral way. If you start an argument, you could end up feeling pressured into continuing to do everything to "fix" things or to show it wasn't the reason to withdraw. You don't want the drama either, and neither will they, it's a way of stepping back but without rocking the boat.

tattleandbagels · 24/05/2021 13:37

Therefore, I owe them nothing and I am not obligated to help them when they are older. My DSIL, who revels in her Goldenchild status, can help them out.

absolutely.

But in an ideal world, you will manage to live far enough that you physically can't pop round to help.

gingerandproud4always · 24/05/2021 13:38

I'm in a very similar situation. It is infuriating. Yes of course they can do what they like with their money. The point is they want to give it all to sil. That hurts doesn't it even as an in law. I feel so sorry for my husband as he is literally a second class citizen. No advice for you. Luckily my parents are much more fair so my kids do have grandparents.

Ponoka7 · 24/05/2021 13:41

They're doing what they choose to do, so you do the same. Then it isn't any of your business what they decide to spend their money on.

Also how they choose to parent their adult DD is also none of your business. Do they tell you how to parent? It's for your DH to challenge his parents, if he isn't capable of doing that, then you just have to learn to live with it.

Daphnise · 24/05/2021 13:43

It's the SIL you might consider cutting out as much as possible- if DH wants to see her can he do so by himself?
You don't have to announce to her that you are reducing contact (or stopping it) just do so as a fact,: don't see her and certainly don't have her over to your house. Don't speak to her on the phone or without others present if you must speak.
The further away this annoying person is the less, in the end, you'll feel the unfairness.

Ellie56 · 24/05/2021 13:44

I too would feel beyond pissed off at the way your DH is treated compared to his sister. Unfortunately, you can't tell the PILs how to spend their money.

But I would be taking a giant step back and refuse to make cakes, entertain at Christmas/Easter and would stop making Sunday lunch for all and sundry.

Tell PILs you've done it for X number of years and it's their DD's turn now.

Mellonsprite · 24/05/2021 13:46

She’s rinsing them, and aged 50 she should be paying for her own wedding, but it’s none of your business.
All the other stuff I think is your business and I would quietly withdraw without making a huge point or comparing it to your wedding. As unfair as that is, it will come across as grabby.

Tal45 · 24/05/2021 13:46

It's up to them how they spend their money but it's up to you how you spend your time. If you don't want to spend it making cakes and hosting Christmas then don't.
I think a CF daughter is often going to get the most attention from older parents though, firstly because she's a CF and secondly because she's a daughter.

Killahangilion · 24/05/2021 13:46

Are you sure you’re not hosting his family for Christmas, Sunday lunches etc. because you enjoy the role of hostess? If you genuinely don’t enjoy it, why are you still doing it?

I don’t know anyone who bakes birthday cakes for other people who isn’t a keen baker. Surely, if you’re not into baking, you order a cake from a shop like everyone else?

I can see why you might be annoyed at the inequity of financial gifts but I suspect there’s a lot more to this regarding the PIL’s view of SIL. Do they think she’s had some bad luck in her life or struggled with poor choices and they’re trying to help her out? My DM always gave more money and support to one DB but his mental health was always at the heart of it and the rest of us supported her in those choices.

GappyValley · 24/05/2021 13:55

@cptartapp

SIL here got a £10k house deposit and all her wedding paid for. DH got nothing. The favouritism then extended to GC. Just see a lot less of them.
Same here SIL gets full time childcare and cleaning from MIL despite only working 2.5 days a week When MIL goes away, we get asked if we can step in to help her out

We’ve never had as much as babysitting

LetItGoToRuin · 24/05/2021 14:00

"Letitgo, as far as I am concerned my PIL have never once lifted a finger to help us and complained loudly on the 2 occasions we asked for help. Therefore, I owe them nothing and I am not obligated to help them when they are older. My DSIL, who revels in her Goldenchild status, can help them out."

I do understand your position, but what about your DH? Does he also 'owe them nothing', or will he feel obligated to help them out in the future?

In the meantime, will he be able to say "I also think it's SIL's turn, or how about a restaurant?" (Sunday lunches, Christmas) and "M&S do great cakes" (when they try to get him to persuade you to make a cake)? You need to be on the same page as DH on this stuff, otherwise they will drive a rift between you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/05/2021 14:03

Unless there is a reason why one child needs more help than another, Family favouritism sucks.
Yanbu to take a step back

Eaststreet · 24/05/2021 14:03

I get why you’re annoyed I would be too but at the same time it’s not really your place to say anything.

The only thing you can do it take a step back from everything as you say . If anyone happens to notice and ask you about it maybe you could bring it up! But I wouldn’t even waste my energy on them if I were you they all sound selfish.

Pipsquiggle · 24/05/2021 14:05

I would be pissed off with this. I mean what century do they live in? Treat your children equally.

Seriously 50 years old and she's not paying for her own wedding? I think I would be rather ashamed TBH if that was mt

Is she very poor relative to the rest of you? The only reason is that my sister has been unlucky in love, she's been married and divorced. She's a nurse so doesn't earn mega amounts and earns less than me and my brother. She needed her roof doing last year - mum and dad paid but she paid them back. If she met a lovely man and wanted to get married, I am pretty sure we would all chip in to make it a lovely day for her - but we wouldn't be paying for a destination wedding!!

SIL sounds pretty awful

katy1213 · 24/05/2021 14:07

I can't get over a woman of 50 - or even 30 - expecting her parents to pay for a wedding! But I wouldn't put myself out to attend given the longevity of her last effort at marriage - let your husband go on his own if he wants.
Given the difficulty of travel at the moment, anyway, who wants to go through all that faffing about and expense for someone else's big day?

pictish · 24/05/2021 14:09

You’re probably not wrong but the fact is, it’s their money, their daughter and their choice to make. You may not agree with it but you can’t say a word.
Perhaps your dh can ask what the score is there...if he wants to. You don’t get any input at all.